Tuxedo Wallace and the Promise of the Potato
-Three-
Author's note: Standard warnings and everything from the previous chapters still applies.
-x-
A few days passed since Wallace was kidnapped by Marfiore. Many of the potatoes Wallace held dear to his heart in the produce aisle of Wal-Mart had turned out to be evil French fry potato vessels that were used in creating these strange and unusual monsters. They were more like eggs in that they "hatched" out of them, but inside they still had their potato taste, insides, and skin.
"So how is that possible?" Serra asked their resident monocle-wearing bookworm as they sat in the 'meeting room' of her house. It was Thursday, which meant he was supposed to be tutoring Serra on the Ways of Magic Using Badassery, but instead he was looking up information about where these evil potatoes came from.
"I don't know," Canas answered, his nose almost touching the LCD of his laptop. "Google is coming up with nothing."
Serra let out a frustrated sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Well if Google can't find anything, then we're doomed."
-x-
Vaida didn't want to admit it, not even to her cat Raven, but she missed Wallace and his talk of potatoes and how he one day wanted to own a potato farm. She even missed his shiny, bald head, and normally she hated baldness. So when Vaida decided to call a meeting at her place, the senshi knew something was up.
Vaida hated meetings.
"As much as I hate to say it," Vaida said, mug of coffee in her hands, "I kind of miss Teapot."
Serra sat on the couch next to Sain; she'd traded in her customary pigtails for a simple ponytail gathered at the top of her head. Sain wrapped an arm around her waist.
"Even if you didn't," said Serra, "we'd still have to form a plan to get him back from that creeper."
"But how do we accomplish that?" asked Rebecca. "It's not like we can just suddenly teleport—"
"Actually," said Raven, as he jumped onto the table, "you can with this device."
Raven did some overly complicated and, at one point, gravity-defying flips and twists in the air, and a magic wand clattered to the table. It was covered in cat hair, like everything else Vaida owned.
"Why don't I have a magical cat?" Sain complained. "I'm cool enough, aren't I?"
Serra looked at Sain strangely. "You do," she said, just as Vaida said, "You can have him, all he does is whine in the corner all day."
Raven glared at Vaida. "Bitch." It came out more like a hiss though, so Vaida ignored him.
Sain gave Serra a questioning look. "I do?"
Lucius climbed onto the table. "Mew!"
Sain sighed. "Great, mine's magical, female, and doesn't talk."
"Guys," Canas said, adjusting his monocle, "can we please pay attention to the problem at hand?"
"What problem is that?" Lucius asked, absent from all the events until now. Raven didn't bother telling Lucius anything and Sain forgot he even existed. Thus, poor Lucius was kept in the dark.
"Nothing, Lucy," Raven said. "Go back to sleep. I'll be there in a minute."
Lucius jumped from the table and slinked into Vaida's bedroom.
"So that's why I didn't know I had a cat," Sain said. "She's always over here."
"He," Raven corrected. "Now, tomorrow is a full moon—"
"Oh great," Serra said, "there'll be loads of weirdoes out!"
Raven glared at her. "As I was saying, tomorrow is a full moon, and coincidentally, in order for this stick to work, it needs one. So meet back here in, oh, five hours, right at midnight, and then we can rescue Mr. Potato Head, all right?"
They all nodded, except Vaida, who was sound asleep up against a bookcase in the corner. Raven just sighed and shook his head.
How the hell did she become a sailor senshi in the first place?
-x-
Wallace saw nothing but darkness at first. Then he wondered why the darkness was tinged blue and how that was possible.
Am I floating? Am I…am I dead?
"Where am I?"
"You're awake," came a voice that seemed to echo, though it could have just been because of whatever Wallace was in—he still had no idea, except that he could swim inside it. So Wallace swam over to the front of the container and saw Marfiore standing there in front of him, arms crossed against his chest
"Where am I? Where's Vaida? Is she here? Vaida! Vai—" He sucked in too much water and coughed before wondering how the hell he could breathe here in the first place.
Better not question the physics in this place.
Marfiore scoffed at his concern for a woman who didn't even care about him.
"You're in—"
"Marth!"
Marfiore looked shocked for a moment as the voice came closer. He held up his hand and said, "Give me one second," before inching towards the door Wallace didn't even know existed. He opened it slightly and a sliver of light came through.
"Yes, dear?" he whispered.
"Cain is requesting a meet—" The owner of the feminine sounding voice seemed to notice something odd about her husband. "What's going on? Why are you dressed funny?"
Marth said, in all seriousness, "Making money for us to pay off the soldiers and our wedding."
The woman blinked. "Why don't you just raise taxes like every other king does?"
"Because, Caeda, the people don't have any money to pay the taxes as they are now… Can we talk about this later? I'm in the middle of something."
Caeda sighed. "All right, Marth. Don't forget to eat something, or I'll drag you out of there myself!"
"I won't," Marth promised with a smile, and gave her a peck on the mouth before closing the door.
"Right, where were we?"
"You were telling me where I was."
"Right, right," Marth said, and cleared his voice as he came back to his spot by the container. "You are in my secret lair of…secretness," he finished lamely.
Wallace didn't quite believe him. "If it's so secret than how come your wife—"
"Secret. Lair," Marfiore said through clenched teeth. This was embarrassing enough to say as it was, did he really have to repeat it? "And I have no wife. Only…you." He walked over and kissed the crystal container Wallace was held captive in.
I am not getting paid enough to do this.
-x-
They were all geared up for battle—well, most of them were. Serra's robes didn't look much different from her Eliminean priestess garb, and Canas's robes made him look kind of girly even with the armor on. Serra didn't mind, but Canas was just a little self-conscious. After all, he wasn't all suited up like Sain was, decked out in green armor from head to toe. He looked like a knight and Canas did not, and this bothered him greatly. Vaida didn't care about her appearance, just that her awesome battle scars (which were really due to a childhood accident, but she wasn't going to tell anyone that) could be shown off. She was in the middle of the circle her fellow senshi formed, and in her hands was 'The Stick' as Raven called it (mostly because he couldn't be arsed to come up with a half-way decent name).
A cloud slowly passed across the moon, blocking the light. A nearby streetlamp buzzed on and Vaida scowled at it. The lamp died out as if afraid of the warrior princess of Bern.
"Hurry the hell up, stupid cloud! I want to get this thing over with."
Cloud, who was an emo rain cloud, released a sudden downpour on Vaida. "I can only go so fast, you know!"
Vaida was not a happy warrior princess. "Rebecca, you are the senshi of thunder, are you not?"
Rebecca nodded.
"Can you zap that stupid cloud for me, please? We don't have time for this!"
Rebecca nocked an arrow onto her super special bow and pulled back on the bowstring. She aimed, said some mystical sounding words, and shot the arrow off. Cloud, who was just an emo rain cloud, got stuck by the arrow, and to add insult to injury, was electrified. He fell from the heavens in a pile of cotton.
"Interesting," Canas said, and collected a sample of it to research more thoroughly later.
"Hey, that was my—"
Vaida stamped her booted foot on the cloud, knocking it out. She held The Stick up in the air and moonlight filtered through the orb on top of it. The light encompassed all of them, starting as a circle around them on the ground and gradually shooting light upwards.
"Take us to—"
Everyone waited as they clasped hands.
"Wait, where exactly is Teapot, anyway?"
No one answered because no one knew where he was either. Vaida shrugged.
"Take us to wherever the hell Wallace is!"
Raven blinked and they were gone.
"I hate my life," he said, and then padded on inside to be with his cat lover.