Red vs Blue Arrancars
The Rookies!
Findor and Nirgge are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armor is walking up the ramp behind them.
Findor: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.
Nirgge: Yes, it is. You said "I'm not going to the Vegas Quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-
Charlotte: Excuse me, uh, sirs.
Nirgge: Sirs? (turns to Charlotte) Ah crap.
Charlotte: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.
Nirgge: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.
Findor: Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.
Nirgge: You are such a kiss-ass.
Findor: Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat then poorly imitates Baraggan) "Git in the Warthog, and crush yer head like a tomato-can."
Nirgge: That's the worst impression I've ever heard.
Findor: Okay rookie, what's your story?
Charlotte: Private Charlotte Chuhlhourne reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.
Nirgge: Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Charlotte Chuhlhourne? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?
Charlotte: This IS the standard issue red.
Nirgge: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.
Charlotte: (looks at Findor) Well, he's wearing red armor.
Findor: No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.
Charlotte: Well, how do I get a different color armor?
Findor: I bet the blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.
Skullak, Rey, and a soldier in standard issue blue are looking at a tank.
Di-Roy: So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"
Rey: Hey, kid.
Di-Roy: Yeah?
Rey: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.
Di-Roy: Oh. Okay. You got it man!
Skullak: You know what? I could blow up the whole god damn world with this thing.
Cut to the Reds.
Findor: Okay, Private Charlotte Chuhlhourne, here's the deal.
Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Charlotte Chuhlhourne!
Findor: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?
Charlotte: Absolutely!
Findor: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.
Nirgge: Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.
Charlotte: The what?
Findor: He means the Warthog.
Nirgge: You do know where the store is, right, rookie?
Charlotte: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.
Findor: Well, get going then.
Charlotte starts running across the base.
Nirgge: Other way.
Charlotte turns around and goes the other way.
Charlotte: I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.
Nirgge and Findor watch Charlotte running off into the Gulch.
Findor: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?
Nirgge: I say.. at least a week.
Charlotte runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself.
Charlotte: Elbow grease.. How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.
Cut to the Blues.
Rey: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.
Skullak: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?
Rey: Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets.
Cut to Nirgge and Findor.
Findor: You think that we were too mean to the kid?
Nirgge: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?
Charlotte approaches Blue Base.
Charlotte: Finally, there it is...Oh sweet! They sell tanks!