Chapter 3: When Evil Forest met Whimsical Rick
A/N: I adjusted the first couple of chapters, but it's nothing major. Just tweaked a few sentences here and there.
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In the name of all things Prada, why did I have to land in a tree? There is no way down smoothly, because my side really hurts. Maybe I should've kept the armour. It would have absorbed some of the impact. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I suppose it's too late to whine about it now.
I ease down from one branch to another. Despite the pain in my side, I feel like I'm making pretty good progress. Then life has to go and be evil. As soon as I get both feet onto what I believe to be a stable branch, it breaks and I fall the rest of the way to ground. It's about ten feet, and it really hurts. I really, really wish I still had my armour. This chain mail shirt doesn't do anything at all to protect me.
Okay, it's night. That means that not only am I hurt and in a forest full of monsters that want to eat me, but I can't see. Suddenly, I wish I had just done the dishes like my mother asked.
I was the last one to leave the Prima Vista, as far as I know, so I should be fairly close. Let's see: it's not to my left, my right, or directly in front of me. That leaves one place it could be. I turn around and see the hulking mass of the ruined airship. Yay! Now I won't have to fight a plant cage and drag an unconscious Steiner and Vivi back to the wreckage!
I set off holding my side. It's only a few hundred yards away, but that still leaves plenty of space for a Fang or one of those freaky plant things to attack me. Push it, Rick. Feel the burn. You can do it.
When I reach the halfway point of my "trek," a low growling noise reaches my ears. That can mean only one of two things: either I'm about to get attacked, or I'm now in a very kinky skin flick. I'm not sure which situation I would prefer, to be honest.
A Fang, which closely resembles a wolf, leaps out in front of me. What do I do? I'm unarmed, and as far as I know, I can't use magic. I look around for an option and see a thin stick lying nearby. It would break upon contact with the Fang, so I can't use it as a weapon. Hmm, there is another possibility.
"Here, puppy!" I call out as I pick up the stick and toss it into the underbrush. The monster looks almost insulted at my pitiful attempt to distract it. Okay, so fetch is out. I doubt it'll roll over and play dead, either. It approaches slowly, methodically. Wow, those teeth are really big and sharp. Um, maybe I can scare it away by acting really crazy. Yeah, that'll work. I'll just do something really stupid. I suck in a big breath and start belting out the chorus to Cher's song "Dark Lady." What? It's a good song.
Ah, not for the first time, Cher has saved my life. The Fang, obviously not impressed by my awesome talent, yelps and runs away. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm a little hurt. My voice isn't that bad; I won the part of the Scarecrow in my 3rd grade production of The Wizard of Oz.
I finally make it back to the remnants of the Prima Vista. Zidane's there, too, and he's dragging Steiner with Vivi on his shoulder. Nobody else seems to be around, and he notices I'm there. Crap, now I have to help lug Steiner or I'll be completely useless. Wait, I have an idea! "Hey, Honey! Do you need some help?"
"No, of course not," he says with a roll of his eyes. Then he becomes serious and pulls Steiner with a grunt. I feel sorry for the guy, but I know I won't be of much help.
"Here, give me the kid," I say as I lift the black mage from his shoulder. Even for a nine-year-old, the kid is pretty light. What I don't understand is the clothes in this place. In Alexandria, everything is puffy and gross like little Vivi's pants. Lindblum, if the outfits of Tantalus are any indication, is much more laidback. Maybe I'll find something decent to wear when we get there.
"Thanks so much. I'll be fine lugging this guy around by myself," Zidane grumbles. The guy really needs to lighten up.
"Well, good for you, Honey," I say as I hoist Vivi onto my shoulder. Then I pat Zidane on his back and trudge up to the crashed airship. I suppose I should help him more, but he did all right on his own in the game. Besides, the guy is a complete and total pig to Garnet throughout the first disk. I mean, he gropes her as they leave Dali, and then two-times her in Lindblum. If there's one thing I hate more than gym class and TBN, it's chauvinism. As I approach the wreckage of the airship, I call out to whoever is inside. "Hello, we're here! Could we get a little help please?"
These two guys who look like rhinos, Benero and Zenero, walk out with Cinna and take Steiner from Zidane. Then Mr. I-have-a-tail walks right by me without so much as a "thank you." Gee, someone sure is grumpy. Oh, right, he's worried about Garnet. I forgot about that.
"Hey, you with the kid, bring him here," Blank says. I shoulder Vivi and follow him through the ship and to the room that he was in during the game. It's still a mess in real life, if that's what you would call this thing that I'm experiencing. I set Vivi on the bed and follow Blank out of the room. The redhead turns to me and asks a question. "What happened to the kid?"
Should I tell him or let Zidane do it? I really don't want to have to think up an excuse as to how I know what's wrong with him when I'm not even supposed to know his name.
"I don't know, Sweetie," I coo. Then I reach up and run a hand through my hair, which is totally disgusting. It has mud and stuff in it, and it's going to take forever to clean. I don't even know if they have shampoo here. I don't remember seeing a bathroom anywhere during the game. "You'll have to ask Zidane, he brought them here. Vivi and Steiner, I mean."
"How do you know their names?" Blank asks as he eyes me suspiciously. Don't ask me how I know, because the guy has his eyes covered with a bandana. How does he not walk headlong into walls?
"Umm… I'm a Knight of Pluto, of course I would know the name of Captain Steiner," I say proudly. Nobody can think on his or her feet like me. In fact, I puff out my chest and try to look intimidating before bursting into giggles. I'm such a flake.
"And the kid?"
Oh pooh! How am I going to explain that one? Think, Rick, think! "There was a… moogle back in Alexandria. Its name was… uh… Kupo!" Good job, Rick. Vivi and Puck did meet Kupo in Alexandria, so Vivi will only confirm the story. I am so smart. No, I'm the smartest person in the world! And I'm also incredibly humble.
"What does a moogle have to do with this?" Blank asks. I definitely did not give this guy enough credit when I played the game. It's obvious now that he would be really smart; he makes the potion to get rid of the seeds that the boss plant thing put into Steiner and Vivi.
"Kupo just told me about some weird looking kid that was sneaking into the play, silly," I lie as I playfully slap Blank's shoulder. "He said that the kid's name was Vivi. That little guy matches the description perfectly. How else would I know?"
"Yeah, right," Blank says with a shrug, showing that he doesn't believe me. Ah, who cares? It's not like it really matters.
"So," I ask as I put my hands behind my back and kick at the floor. "What do you want me to do, Darling?"
"Not calling me 'Honey' would be a great start," Zidane says as he walks down a spiral staircase in the room. How did I not notice it? He looks really mad. Baku must've just told him that he couldn't go after the princess.
"Oh, you know you love it, Honey," I say sweetly as I jump up and twirl in the air before falling back to the floor. For some odd reason, I'm extremely happy even though I know Garnet's in the clutches of some crazed, overgrown dandelion. Maybe I'm understating the situation. Leave me alone.
"What's up?" Blank asks. He completely ignores me, something I don't like. I get mad and storm back into Vivi's room.
In the game, there's money in the bunk and something in the treasure chest in the corner. I kick the chest open and find ether. How do I know it is ether? It says so on the bottle. Ether is a red liquid in what looks like an eye drop bottle. You know, the squirting kind. The guy with the monotone voice does the commercials with the red eyes. Yeah, it's like that.
I rummage around in the floor and find things that aren't there in the game. There are only a couple of useful things. One is this plain band of rope that goes around my wrist. I imagine this to be what they call a "wrist" in the game. The other thing is a dagger. I'll make sure to give it to Zidane since I don't know how to use it.
There is some money in the bed, tucked away in a pillowcase. It's just over a hundred Gil. I don't know what I can buy with that, but I put it in my pocket with the Gil that I got after the play. After I jump down off the bed, Blank walks in and looks at me, then to the bed.
"What were you doing?" he asks, eyeing me in that eyeless way of his. I'll never understand how he does it.
"I was ransacking the place," I say with an eye roll. Blank just sighs and pulls a bottle of blue liquid out of his pocket.
"Zidane wants to see you," he says as he walks past me and sits beside the unconscious Vivi. "I have to give this potion to Vivi to remove the seeds from his system. Would you please go?"
"Sure thing, Sweetie," I say happily before bounding out of the room. Weird, my side doesn't hurt anymore. It must've been a scratch or something.
I wander around mindlessly until I run into Marcus just outside the room where they're keeping Steiner. I can hear his pitiful wails through the walls.
"Hey, you!" he says to me. "You're the guy who played Prince Schneider, aren't you?"
"Yes I am, Dear," I chirp. I've been cursed with giddiness my whole life. My parents just tell everyone it's a side effect of my allergy medication. I don't know why they say that, because I take over the counter stuff to keep from sneezing and getting watery eyes. Wait, will I still have allergies here? That bridge will be crossed when I come to it, I guess.
"Dear?" he says before shaking his head. A lot of people do that. They must not be used to my friendliness. "Whatever. Listen, good job with that. Cinna told me that warned them ole Rusty," he gestures to the band room where Steiner can be heard yelling to be released, "was coming. Thanks for your help. What's your name?"
"Rick," I say with a bow. "Call me Richard and die."
Marcus's right eyebrow shoots up, but he offers a hand. "Well, good job on the show. Maybe we'll have you join Tantalus after we get out of here."
"I'll think it over, Sweetie," I say as I shake his hand. After we break contact, he looks from his hand, to mine, and then back to his. He shrugs and walks away. Then I remember I have to find Zidane and call out to Marcus. "Oh, wait!"
"Yeah?" he says as he turns back to look at me.
"Where's Zidane? I heard he's looking for me," I tell him.
"Last time I saw him, he was getting ready to fight the Boss."
"Why?" I ask even though I know the answer. He wants to go after Garnet.
"He's going after the princess," Marcus says with a laugh before leaving. "He should be around here somewhere duking it out with the Boss."
Why does this leave me with a bad feeling in my gut? In the game, Zidane kicks Baku to the curb. Well, Baku throws the fight. Now I'm not so confident. Baku could wipe the floor with Zidane. Then we'd never go after Garnet and she would die. Who knows what could happen from there?
The Prima Vista is big. Maybe I should've realized that when I was chasing Zidane and Garnet around, but for some reason it escaped my attention. I see members of the orchestra here and there, some wounded and other tending to their fallen comrades. Tantalus must be like a family. There's no way people in my world would take care of each other unless they were family, paying for it, or there was some kind of disaster. Oh, right, this is an airship crash. I am so stupid.
"Have you seen Zidane?" I ask one of the band members. I didn't notice it in the game, but these guys are very ghoulish in appearance. There skin is a pale green and they have sunken eyes. That could just be from exhaustion, but I seriously doubt it. One of them points me to a door I hadn't noticed before. Well, no matter how odd they look, they sure are helpful. To show how grateful I am, I do something horribly un-American: I thank him. "You're such a dear. Thank you."
I push open the door to see Baku laugh and clap Zidane on the shoulder. Ooh, I know what's coming. There it is, the fist in the gut. Ouch. I'd better go see if the hero is okay. Things just wouldn't be the same without him. There would be no way to get to Terra, for starters. Crap. I forgot all about Kuja and Garland.
"Hey, Honey, are you okay?" I ask as I pass Baku and kneel next to the doubled over Zidane. As he looks over at yours truly, I put a hand on his shoulder. "You wanted to see me?"
"Yeah," he huffs as he stands up and watches Baku leave. It's pretty obvious he's still feeling the effects of the surprise blow. "I'm going after Garnet. I want you, that other knight, and the black mage to come with me."
Me? He wants me to go with him? I seriously wonder why. My actions during the fight with Steiner were far from admirable.
"Sure thing, Honey," I say with a grin as I too stand up. It shocks me to learn that I'm about an inch or two taller than Zidane. I've always been one of the shorter guys in my class at school, and suddenly I'm tempted to inquire as to the weather down there. "What do you want me to do?"
Zidane scratches his behind, which is so not a flattering move, and walks ahead of me. He pushes open the door and looks back in my direction. "You're a little weird, but you're also a knight. I want you to help me find her."
Great. This is just wonderful. There's never been anything more fun than walking through a forest full of things that want to kill you. In case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic. I so do not want to do this. My clothes will get all muddy and torn. Yet, I don't want to stay here with Tantalus. Something tells me that I'd be safer fighting against crazed rhododendrons and the Black Waltzes than traveling with Baku and his merry band of thieves.
"Ooh, I'd love to!" I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster. That isn't much. I walk up to him and he speaks again.
"Great. You go get that knight, and I'll see if I can get the black mage to come with us," Zidane says happily as he claps me on the back. Being the klutz that I am, I fall face first under the gesture. He looks down at me and shrugs before offering a hand to help me to my feet. Perhaps he's not the jerk I thought he was. Then again, he's leaving me to deal with an angry and distraught Steiner.
"Thanks, Honey," I say before walking through the open door. I pass the band members with Zidane by my side, which draws a few curious glances. Then we reach a set of doors. Zidane points to the one of the left before going through the one on the right. I guess that's supposed to be the way to Steiner.
As I enter the next room, I see Blank leaning against the door that leads to the band room. He notices me, and gestures for me to come closer. He holds out another bottle of that blue liquid he had in Vivi's room. I assume that's the potion that removes the seeds.
"So I hear you and Zidane are going after that princess chick," he says nonchalantly. I nod in agreement. Then he hands me the potion, which I take. "Are you taking Rusty with you?"
Who's Rusty? Oh, right, that's Steiner. It completely escaped my mind that "Rusty" becomes the name Tantalus has for the oblivious knight. How did Steiner come to be in control of the Knights of Pluto, anyway? I mean, they're not the best of the Alexandrian troops. Sure, they redeem themselves after Bahamut all but destroys the city, but that doesn't explain how an inept leader like Steiner comes into power. The guy made me a member, and I don't even know how to use a sword. Of course, I just woke up in the game, but… Aargh, I'm just confusing myself.
"Hello? Anybody home?" Blank asks as he waves a hand in my face. When my eyes focus, he jerks his thumb back at the band room. "Are you taking this big baby with you or not?"
"Yeah, he's coming with us," I say with a nod. Blank pulls a key out of his pocket and unlocks the door. He wishes me good luck and walks away. Boy, the people here are so helpful. Again, that was sarcasm. I push open the door and see Steiner sitting on a broken table with an empty glass bottle in one hand and a doll in the other. That's Cinna's Garnet doll. I remember because I never figured out what the hell it had to do with the game. "We're getting the princess, want to come?"
Steiner, who was staring at the ground, looks up at me angrily. His eyes are all bloodshot and there's a smudge of blue on his chin. I assume it's from the potion. "Richard! How dare you say you're rescuing the princess after you disgrace the Knights of Pluto by aiding these kidnappers?"
I want to shout that my name is Rick, but I know it won't do any good. Even after it becomes obvious that Garnet's life is in danger, he runs round shouting "Princess" and making a total fool of himself. The man is a Grade A meathead.
"Are you coming or not?" I ask in the angriest voice I have. It makes me sound like Hulk Hogan on helium, and I don't think he gets the hint. One cross word, and I'll scratch your eyes out. I'm not kidding. My brother used to have so many claw marks on his arms that he would have to tell people he was pulling our cat out of fights with the neighbourhood stray. We don't have a cat. That'll teach him for making fun of my new fingernail polish.
"When we get back to Alexandria, I'll have you hanged for treason," Steiner shouts. I can feel my fingers sliding into scratching position on their own, but I keep my hands level.
"Shut up, we're moving out," I say. Now I understand why Zidane never liked Steiner. Steiner was always one of my favourite characters when this was just a game, even if his trance sucked. Hey, will I get a trance or be tranceless like Marcus and Beatrix?
"Do not speak to me like that! You are still one of the Knights of Pluto, and I demand the respect afforded to me!" Steiner shouts again. In his anger, he drops the doll and the bottle. The bottle hits the floor and shatters. Do not expect me to clean that up, Mr. I'm-your-boss.
"Fine, I quit," I retort. Gee, I'm being really mean. Maybe this means he'll lay off everyone else. Meh, probably not; it seems like no one can do anything right in Steiner's eyes except for Garnet and Vivi. At least, that's the impression the game gave me. "Now are you coming or not?"
Steiner grumbles a yes and stands up. He follows me out the door and I remember that there's a treasure chest in the band room. I tell Steiner to be a good boy and sit still while I get something out of the room. Avoiding the broken glass as much as possible, which is hard since Steiner dropped the bottle right in front of the chest, I pop it open. Inside are a couple of small bottles with a maroon liquid in them. They both say "potion," so I slide them into my pockets with the ether and Gil.
"Okay, lets go," I say as walk out of the room to find no Steiner. Oh, this is so not good. It's worse than that tutu Lara Flynn Boyle wore to that awards show. For all I know, he could be off getting whacked with trumpets and saxophones by the guys from the band. Zidane is going to kill me.
I wander around the airship once more, and I still don't know where I'm going. People are looking at me oddly when I ask them if a knight in rusty armour came by. When I find Steiner, he is going to get such a tongue-lashing, and I don't mean the good kind. No. Bad images are forming in my brain. Abort train of thought! Abort!
"Hey, Cinna!" I yell when I see the overweight and shirtless monster of a man walk by. It's odd. During the game, he's outside looking for his Garnet doll, but here he is inside the ship. Maybe he's looking for it inside.
"Huh?" Cinna says looking in my direction. Okay, he definitely should be wearing a shirt. This is just gross. Don't get me started on the hat; I could go all night. "Who're you?"
"I'm Rick," I tell him as I try to bite back my commentary on his style, or, rather, lack of. "Have you seen a guy running around in armour?"
"Rusty?" Cinna answers with a laugh. "Yeah, he's right outside the ship arguing with Zidane. There's a little kid with a funny hat out there too."
Then his expression turns more solemn and, fighting my better nature, I pat his arm sympathetically. My hand is so getting washed when we get out of here. "Is something wrong?"
"You'll laugh at me," Cinna says dejectedly. When I assure him that I won't, he looks into my eyes, and I can see panic in his. "It's my Garnet doll, she's missing. Have you seen her?"
"Yeah, she's back in the band room," I offer with a smile. "But there's some broken glass around her, so you might want to be careful."
What happens next is going to be one of those things that you want to forget but know you never will. Cinna shouts out jubilantly and pulls me into a bear hug. Not only that, he also jumps around while I'm trapped in his grasp. It didn't occur to me in the game, but this guy is nasally offensive. He smells awful, like cheap cologne mingled with cheap deodorant. At least it's not BO. When he does finally put me down, a small crowd has gathered. Baku is among them. Great, I have the pig-nosed leader of Tantalus looking at me. The feeling is not a pleasant one. I'm horribly intimidated.
"Good job," Baku says as he claps me on the shoulder. He's a lot stronger than Zidane, and again my knees buckle and I fall to the floor. The man just brushes it off with a laugh and picks me up by my chain mail shirt before setting me back on my feet. "Now you go out and join that boy of mine."
His boy? I hope he means Zidane, because I do not want to going through Evil Forest with anyone else from Tantalus. It's not that I don't like them. There's just the fact that Zidane is easier on the guys than these guys. Oh pooh, now I sound really shallow. I'm just going to stop this right now.
"Um, sure thing," I say. For some odd reason, he just laughs again and shoos me away. Okay, I can definitely tell you I'm not joining Tantalus if I'm still in this world when the game runs its course. Actually, now that I think about it, how did I get here? How do I get home? Will I ever go home? Am I never to see the Sex and the City reunion special? Now I'm sad. It's a good thing I'm not around anyone now, because I do not want to have to explain to these guys why I'm depressed.
"There you are!" I hear someone yell. I know that voice. He comes up behind me, right after I wipe my eyes dry, and puts an arm around my shoulder in brotherly fashion. "We've been waiting on you. Come on, we have to go rescue the princess."
"Okay, Honey," I say in a happier voice. Why does being around this guy make me feel better instantaneously?
"Good, let's go," Zidane says as he pulls me even closer. Is he coming onto me? I'm not complaining, but it'll be a little weird if he is. He was such a ladies' man in the game. Anyway, we get outside to see an angry Steiner and a frightened Vivi. Poor little guy, I just want to give him a hug. It should be obvious that I'm talking about Vivi, not Steiner. Zidane, out of nowhere, feels the need to announce my arrival. "Hey, look who I found!"
"Who are you?" Vivi asks meekly. He looks frightened by the idea of going out into those dark woods where who knows what is lurking behind every tree or bush. I really feel for you kid, we're in the same boat.
"Hey there, Cutie," I say. I kneel down so that I'm face-to-face with the black mage. Well, as face-to-face as you can get with someone whose face consists of little more than yellow eyes and blackness. "I'm Rick. You must be Vivi."
"How… how do you know my name?" he asks with a start. What did I tell Blank? Right, it was that moogle.
"I ran into Kupo. He told me about you," I answer. Oh man, I hope he buys it.
"I remember Kupo. He was the first moogle I ever met. Puck introduced us!" Vivi says excitedly. At least he's not scared now. If only I could do something to stop my own shaking hands.
"Richard! Stop dawdling, we must save the princess!" Steiner shouts as he begins to jump up and down. Well, if there is such thing as a one-track mind…
"I hate to say so, but Rusty here is right," Zidane reluctantly agrees. "We really should go get her."
"Silence you ragamuffin! If it weren't for you and your thieves, the princess would be safe in Alexandria castle," Steiner shouts. I have two problems with this: first, I'm tired of Steiner yelling all the time; second, who says ragamuffin anymore?
"Hey, Honey," I say to Zidane before an argument breaks out. "Can we just go now?"
As has become the custom, Zidane rolls his eyes at my nickname for him. Believe it or not, he actually looks cute doing that. No, I am not crushing on Zidane. I swear, I'm telling the truth: scout's honour. Hey, it doesn't matter that I was never a boy scout.
"Fine, let's move out," Zidane orders with a wave of his in the direction of the forest.
My nerves are tingling and I can feel my heart beating twice its normal rate as we step out of the safety of the ship. I still don't know why Zidane wants me to come. Perhaps he thinks a walk through Evil Forest would make for a romantic date. That's a joke, people. I'm not some rabid fangirl who throws herself at the main hero because I think his game-based romantic interest is a total airhead and a whore. Based on what little interaction I've had with her, Garnet actually isn't that bad.
"How are we going to find her?" I ask when it becomes obvious no one knows where we're going. In the game, you just walk through a few screens and you're there. It's a little harder when you actually have to look.
"We were attacked by the stream," Vivi blurts out. He's carrying his staff and looking around with big eyes; poor little guy.
"Then we'll just follow the stream and see if that leads us to her!" Zidane says. He thumps his chest before pulling a pair of daggers out of his pockets. Oh, right, I should give him that one I found back at the airship.
"Great idea, Honey," I say as I reach into my own pocket and retrieve the blade. I'm actually surprised I haven't stabbed myself with it. "I found this back at the airship. Is it yours?"
"Hey, that's a Mage Masher!" Zidane says greedily. Suddenly, he looks oh so happy. Someone likes deadly weapons. "Can I have it?"
"Sure, Honey. I don't know how to use the darn thing," I say with a laugh. Unfortunately, the roar of a monster punctuates it. Zidane grabs the dagger from me and whirls around in anticipation.
"What is that?" Vivi asks as he hides behind my legs. I'm trying really hard to keep from hiding myself.
Zidane doesn't say anything as he crouches into a fighting stance, one of his old daggers and the Mage Masher in hand. Steiner draws his broadsword and looks at me expectantly. When I show him that I'm unarmed, he grumbles something incoherent and turns away. He's really a pleasant guy when you get to know him.
"Fangs!" Zidane yells as three of the wolf things jump in front of us. The urge to see if my butchered rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia" will frighten them away tugs at the back of my mind, but I stay silent and let the professionals do what those geniuses who designed them to do.
One of the monsters growls and jumps at Zidane. He ducks under it and holds up one of his daggers. The sharpened metal cuts into the flesh of the Fang and yellow blood falls onto the thief's face. A gloved hand wipes it away and he charges the wolfish creature. With a flash of metal in the limited light, I know the thing is dead.
While that's going on, the other two are looking at Vivi and me like we're lunch. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Steiner adjusting his grip on his sword. There's a clanking sound and Steiner runs at the duo of Fangs with his outstretched sword. One of them crumples under his sword and then other runs straight at me. Oh no, I'm not dying in the middle of some woods at the hands of an overgrown Chihuahua.
Before I can make a move, either fight or flight, someone tackles me to the ground and a blaze of fire hits the Fang, knocking it back and impaling it on Steiner's sword.
"Gross!" I scream as I pick myself up off the ground. Zidane had tackled me so that Vivi could attack, and I fell face first into something brown and mushy. Please be mud. Please be mud. Nope, I fell into a pile of poop. My face is covered with monster scat. I'm going to take one of Zidane's precious daggers and cut off his… tail. I'm talking about his tail people. You're all a bunch of perverts. "Eww! Get if off! Get it off!"
Zidane laughs before helping me up. "Come on, Rick. Let's go. We still have a princess to rescue." Does he seriously expect me to go after Garnet with dung on my face? No way. "Here, wipe that stuff off. You really stink."
Did he just tell me that I stink? Oh, you're so getting it monkey boy. When we get out here, I'm going to tie you up and beat you with a loaf of stale garlic bread. Gee, I wonder why my friends tell me I'd make a good dominatrix.
"Thanks," I spit angrily as I grab his offered kerchief. As best as I can, I wipe of the poop and fling the soiled linen back at its owner. When we reach this stream Vivi is talking about, I am so rinsing my face off.
"You're welcome, Princess," Zidane laughs as he drops the kerchief on the ground and kicks it into a nearby bush. Did he just call me a princess? Either my being here has screwed up the game more than I thought and he thinks I'm Garnet, or he's mocking me. Well, he's not getting away with that.
"Oh, Honey, you do care!" I melodramatically shriek as I pull him into a hug and press my face against his. When I let go, he has a long brown streak on his left cheek.
"Freak," Zidane says as he tentatively touches his cheek with his hand. He sees the brown spot on the fingertip of his glove and glares at me. Hee, someone's not happy at all. "Nice going, Princess."
"Desist you two! We must rescue the princess!" Steiner screams at the top of his voice. Crap! The Plant Brain still has her.
"Right, whatever," Zidane huffs. He looks so cute when he's mad, not that I'm saying he's cute or anything. Bah, I'll just not think about it. The guy's only a videogame character and this is just a dream. An incredibly weird dream that involves my face and a pile of poop, but it's a dream nonetheless. Right?
Without another word, we set off on our rescue mission. Vivi isn't quite as close to me as he was before. I can't blame him. At least he's not a little brat like Eiko. Oh, I'm so not looking forward to her. She has awesome eidolons like Fenrir and Phoenix, but she has always been so annoying when I played the game. Freya, on the other hand, was my favourite character. She had style and fought far better than Zidane could ever hope to. Plus, there's nothing more romantic than traveling across the continent in search of your lost love.
"PRINCESS!" I hear Steiner scream. It snaps me out of my thoughts and I see that we've come to the cave where the Plant Brain is. The thing is huge. It looks like this big flower; only instead of pollen in the centre, there is a huge set of teeth. The petals are red and it has huge greenish brown tentacles. There's something about the tentacles that I don't remember being in the game. There are these huge thorns on the tentacles that look like they could rip a person in half.
Still yelling, Steiner rushes into the cave with his sword held high. One of those tentacles easily sweeps him aside, and a large hole is torn into his armour. If he hadn't been being wearing that… Why did I take my armour off and leave it in Alexandria? Stupid move, Rick.
"We have to help Rusty before he gets himself torn apart!" Zidane shouts as he points the tip of his Mage Masher, the one he got from me, into the cave.
"Do we have to?" is the response he gets. Zidane turns to me in annoyance, but I'm not the one that had said it. When I shrug, we both look at Vivi in surprise. He just looks down and kicks at the ground.
"Princess, I shall save you!" I hear Steiner cry. I look at Zidane with a sigh and run into the cave. No man should have to face that kind of danger alone, not even Steiner. What good I will be, though, has yet to be seen.
Steiner swings his sword as yet another tentacle coming at him. Since it's a plant, would a better description be vine? I guess it doesn't matter. My former "boss" manages to get lucky and lops the tentacle off, making the Plant Brain roar in pain and anger.
"Richard! Get the princess!" he yells at me. I nod and look back to see Zidane running into the cave, with Vivi behind him and inching his way inside. Poor kid.
"Of course," I call out as if it's the simplest thing in the world. In that moment, the Plant Brain decides to attack the new prey inside its domain. One of those giant vine/tentacle things whacks me in the side. I rocket across the cave and hit the wall. Ow! Owowowowowowowowowow! Never before have I been hurt like this. There's a long gash in my side from a thorn that grazed me, and that's on top of the welt that I can feel swelling up. Rick, You are not Xena. You are not a fighter. Just crawl away and give Garnet that potion Blank gave you back in the Prima Vista. You know, suddenly traveling around with Tantalus doesn't seem like a bad idea.
Another tentacle hits me, thankfully sans thorn, and sends me flying once more. That's it; if I ever go home, I'm buying a gallon of gasoline and setting my mom's flowerbed on fire.
Then, about ten feet away from me is Garnet. She looks awful. Her hair is all frizzy and her clothes are torn. Mud is smeared all over her face. (Lucky her. I wish my face were covered mud instead of... Yeah, still bitter about that.) I ignore the searing pain in my side and reach into my pocket for the potion that will save Garnet's life. Instead, I come up with a regular potion. Well, at least it'll help me.
Wait, how do you use a potion? In the game, Steiner chugs the potion Blank concocts to remove the seeds. Maybe you do that with regular potions as well. As a test, I take a sip from the glass bottle (which I'm surprised hasn't broken) and feel a slight lessening of the main in my side. I then gulp it down until every last bit of the potion, and the pain in my side, is gone. Do you want to know what the amazing thing is about potions? No, it's not the restorative properties. What, in my newfound opinion, makes them absolutely wonderful is the flavour. They taste just like pink lemonade!
I set the bottle off to the side and reach into my pocket again. Bingo! This time I produce the blue liquid. I crawl over to Garnet, momentarily forgotten by the Plant Brain as it wails away on Zidane, Steiner, and Marcus. Wait! What in Judy Garland's name in Marcus doing here? Isn't Blank supposed to be the one to show up and help out? Something is very wrong here, aside from the fact that Vivi is nowhere to be seen.
There's no time to dwell on this, because at any moment the mutated tiger lily less than twenty feet away might remember that I'm here. I turn back to Garnet, pull the cork out of the bottle with my teeth (yes, they stop up their potions and such with corks here, I guess), open her mouth with my left hand, and pour the liquid into her mouth with my right. Please don't choke. The last thing I need is Steiner chopping my head off because you died while drinking the potion I gave you.
Garnet coughs and her eyes open just a bit. She sees me and they almost pop out of her eyes. "Richard! Why are you in my room?"
"It's Rick, Gorgeous," I coo as I tighten my grip on the glass bottle that's still in my right hand. "And this isn't your room."
It just happens to be at that moment that I get hit by a bolt of lighting. And I thought getting smacked around by leafy tentacles hurt… The only thing that ever brought me more pain than this was when they cancelled The Nanny. Fran Drescher is hilarious! Whoa, I'm in the middle of a battle. Why am I thinking of a Jewish actress from Queens, New York? That Thunder spell must've messed around with my head.
"Hold on… Rick," Garnet says as she sits up and pulls a rod out of nowhere. The Final Fantasy games never explained how the characters do that. Suddenly, the tip of the rod lights up. It's really pretty, and when it fades any pain I had from the spell is gone. Yeah, my being here has messed things up somehow. Garnet isn't supposed to wake up until the party escapes from Evil Forest. Then again, Marcus isn't supposed to be here. You know what, I don't care right now. I want revenge on that stupid lilac bush. (Is it obvious I don't know what kind of plant the Plant Brain is?)
I still have the bottle from Garnet's potion in my right hand, and the bottle from the potion I drank is only a few feet away. After standing up, I quickly run to, and scoop up, the other bottle. Then I do the only thing that comes to mind: I chuck the old bottle (Garnet's) at the Plant Brain and transfer the new one to my right hand. My eyes follow the progress of the bottle as it soars through the air and… falls three feet short of the Plant Brain. Are you kidding me? I get sucked into this place, survive an airship crash, get into a fight with a boss, and I still can't throw as far as my four-year-old niece? Man, I really should've participated in gym class. (Stupid football coach/gym teacher who passed me just to get me out of his hair.)
Even if I didn't hurt the stupid boss monster, I did catch its attention. Great, now it's focusing on me. Wonderful, Rick. Really, you did bang-up job on that. Before it can attack me, though, the other warriors (including Vivi, who has magically reappeared) take the opportunity to attack. Four blades and one fireball collide with the side of the monstrosity. It gives an ear-splitting shriek reminiscent of the widow of a certain murdered British musician before collapsing.
"PRINCESS!" Steiner shouts joyfully. He runs by me, knocking me over like he's Garnet and I'm a tuba player, and pulls the poor girl into what must be a painful hug. His armour is all torn up, if you'll remember, and the shredded metal is probably poking into her.
"Nice to see you're still with us, Princess," I hear Zidane say. I look at him and find that he's looking at me, not Garnet. Unsure of how to respond, I don't. How do I even know he's talking to me?
There's something I'm forgetting, something big. What is it? I look at the body of the Plant Brain and see it twitch. Okay, there is no way that thing is still alive. It's as dead as parachute pants. The eighties, what were we thinking? The only good thing to come out of the eighties was Dynasty. Hey, you try denying the awesomeness that is Joan Collins. See, you can't.
"What's up, Princess?" Zidane asks with a laugh as he puts his arm around my shoulder again. I can't speak. No, it's not because I'm suddenly re-aware of just how handsome Zidane is. (This is just a dream, after all. I hope.) What does have me so freaked out is the fact that the Plant Brain is moving again, but not in the way you'd think. Zidane follows me gaze in time to see the Plant brain get sucked into the ground. Then these things that look like a cross between a praying mantis and rose start pouring into the cave via the large hole in the ground where the Plant Brain used to be. If I didn't know better, this was the plant kingdom getting revenge on me for my plot to burn down my mother's flower garden.
"Run!" Marcus shouts as more and more of the creatures pour into the cave. I look around and see that the way we came in is blocked off, but there's another exit we can still use. Marcus seems to have seen it, too, because he waves at us to go that way.
"Come on, Princess," Zidane yells as he grabs my wrist and pulls me towards the exit. We stop when we reach it, because it's a drop of ten feet into a shallow stream. I turn back to see Steiner carrying Garnet in his arms and Marcus has a very resistant Vivi tucked under his left arm and his sword in his right. I look at Zidane, who gives me a little push. "Jump!"
I crash into the water, which is incredibly cold, and push myself into a kneeling position. Zidane lands next to me, but he manages to stay on his feet. Next come Marcus and Vivi, and Steiner and Garnet finish it up. Marcus wades over to me and pushes Vivi into my arms. Somewhere along the way, I had dropped the bottle I was carrying.
"Get the kid out of here, now!" Marcus screams in face. I don't bother arguing. My feet are already splashing through the stream by the time I become aware I'm running.
There's no way to tell where I'm going. I keep running and Vivi seems to have given up fighting me. The little guy seems to weigh nothing at all, which aids our escape since I'm not that strong. (Insert complaint about gym class here.) A few seconds into my escape, the plant life decides that it doesn't want me to. Vines and branches start reaching out for me, but Vivi burns them away with his magical fires. What a helpful little bugger.
My lungs start to ache due to lack of oxygen, but I can see a clearing a few feet ahead. Come on, Rick! It doesn't matter what happens to you, but the kid in your arms is destined to save the world from a genome on a power trip. Well, he'll have help from the other seven heroes, but that's beside the point.
Freedom. I spill out of the trees and into a cold mist, but I don't care because there aren't anymore psychotic tulips trying to kill me. About twenty feet away from the tree line I collapse. Vivi falls onto the ground beside me before standing up and adjusting his hat. I don't even have the energy to sit up and make sure everyone is okay. Well, not until I hear Vivi yell, "Zidane!"
I rocket back to my feet to see that the forest has petrified and Zidane is standing just outside pounding on the entrance which has been closed off by petrified vines. Steiner and Garnet are safe, which means Marcus… I guess that even with me here, some things don't change.
"Hey, Honey," I say as I put a hand on his shoulder. Zidane turns around and looks at me with tears in his eyes and a frustrated look on his face before he pulls me into a hug. Awkwardly, I pat his back. The guy just lost someone who was like his brother, people. I run a hand through his hair, which is damp from sweat, and murmur comforting words to him. "It'll be okay, Honey. We'll come back and rescue him soon."
Of course, I already know that Steiner, Garnet (who will be Dagger by then), and… Who will they meet on their way to Treno now that Marcus is the one that's petrified? Blank? Cinna? Benero? Zenero? Great, I'm royally screwing things up here.
"Come on, Princess," Zidane says when he finally collects himself. We turn to the rest of the group, and they all have these really guilty looks on their faces. Except for Vivi, who really doesn't have a face, but you know what I mean. Zidane addresses the other three with absolutely no enthusiasm in his voice. "All right, guys, let's set up camp. We'll continue on our way to Lindblum in the morning."
We wander in a random direction that's chosen only because it leads us away from Evil Forest. I really hope Baku and the rest of Tantalus made it out of that place okay. When we reach a place that everyone silently deems far away enough from Evil Forest, I crash from exhaustion and envelop myself in the warm arms of sleep.
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A/N: Ugh, this thing was a monster to write. I hope it was funny enough for you guys. I know that I said in the ending author's notes of chapter 2 (before I changed them) that there would be nothing but friendship between Zidane and Rick. However, after toying with the idea of a relationship between them, I decided it would be more fun to have one of those "do they, do they not" kind of things going on with them. But there will still be a love interest in Lindblum who'll throw a wrench in the boys' mojo, so to speak. Ah, I'm so evil, and you all love it.