A/N – Thank you to all who commented on my last chapter. Although this is chapter three, it was actually the one I wrote last. That is because during the time it took me to write following my original outline, I gathered a lots of bits and pieces I'd like to include, and in the end, they had summed up to so many that they needed an own chapter. Many of them, and part of my inspiration as a whole for this fic, come from several blogs where parents tell about life with their children who has a disability. So if this fic should be dedicated to someone, I guess it's to those parents who are so fully devoted to give their children the best – and who have the strength to take the time to tell others about it.
Meredith nodded satisfied as she opened the door to the backseat of the car. She'd stopped at the local grocery store instead of the supermarket where they used to go on weekends, to avoid the afternoon crowds. She leaned into the car and unstrapped Jennie from her booster seat and hoisted her up on her hip.
"Want to go in the cart, Jen?"
"Ah-rt," Jennie squealed and Meredith smiled. Rather than dragging her wheelchair out for just a ten minutes food pick up, letting her sit in the cart seemed like an easy solution.
She'd picked Jennie up only minutes ago from a party a few blocks away and even if she'd whined a little, she hadn't really made any scene about having to leave early. Josie had really been the one invited to the party, and Derek had promised to go with her. Meredith was supposed to pick up Jennie from preschool, but an emergency consult had had her call Derek and ask him to bring her along until she got out of the hospital.
The store wasn't entirely empty, but there were few enough customers to easily wheel the cart around in the aisles and not having to bump into other people when reaching for the tomatoes or the chicken breasts.
They didn't need much tonight, so Meredith just picked out a bread, some yogurt and some vegetables to make herself a salad.
"Jen, want to pick out a fruit for dessert?"
She wheeled the cart closer to the fruit stand so that Jennie would see better. She used to buy bananas and mash them for her, but lately, Jennie hadn't seen keen on eating it. Maybe it would help if she got her pick.
"Ee-sh," Jennie said and pointed. Meredith wasn't sure where her finger was supposed to go but picked up an orange anyway.
"This?"
Jennie shook her head.
"Do you want bananas?"
"Nah-nahs," Jennie said and nodded.
"You want bananas?" Meredith said and put four in a bag. "That good?"
"Ahp-ehl," Jennie insisted and kept pointing. "See?"
When she saw that Meredith still didn't understand, she formed her hands to a round. Meredith followed her eyes.
"Ah, you want apples," she said, finally getting the message. "Apples it is then."
They trudged slowly through the store, none of them in any hurry. Now and then Jennie pointed at something on the shelves and babbled but mostly she sat quietly down, busy looking around. Nobody else was in line at the counter but as Meredith started piling up her groceries on the conveyor belt, a younger woman stepped in behind her.
"Ah-mmy," Jennie said, pulling her sleeve where she was still sitting in her cart. "Ah-mmy, he has eehl-shair."
Meredith turned around to see what she was looking at. The woman behind them was carrying her purchases in a basket, not a cart, but she was also pushing a wheelchair in front of her. A little boy, maybe five or six years old, was strapped loosely in it, his head leaning against a headrest and his little body not quite upright. Meredith met his mother's gaze and smiled. The woman had a wary look in her eyes, like she was all too used to other children's glares and didn't quite smile back.
"Dr. Grey," the cashier said as she rang up Meredith's purchases and nodded at her. "How are you today?"
Meredith turned back to the counter and pushed her cart a few inches forward and started pulling out her wallet. Just as she was about to put her purse up on the counter to better get a look in it, someone grabbed her right leg and made her almost fall.
She turned around again and met the terrified gaze of the young mother. Her son's small arms were wrapped against her leg and he was halfway out of his chair.
"I'm so sorry," she apologized profusely and sat down to pry her son's hands off Meredith. "He doesn't mean any harm."
"Oooh-oooh," the little boy said, not wanting to let go of the leg. "Oooh-ooh."
Meredith put up her purse at the counter, nodding silently to the cashier, who seemed unsure whether or not to intervene, to wait. Then she sat down on the floor so that she came eye to eye with the little boy.
"Hi there," she said gently. "What did you say?"
"He means doctor," the boy's mother said nervously, clearly a little thrown off by Meredith's act. "He must have heard the cashier. He's been a little obsessed with them lately."
"You're right, I'm a doctor," Meredith told the boy. "I work at the hospital. I bet you've been there once or twice."
"Uu-uh," the boy said and threw his left hand out. Meredith smiled and let him touch her coat.
"I don't look like a doctor now, do I? I left my doctor's coat at the hospital when I left today."
She sat for a couple of more minutes on the floor, letting the boy touch her hands and even face while talking to him about what she did at the hospital, something his head bobbed happily up and down to. When she stood up again, the young woman had tears in her eyes.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"My pleasure," Meredith said simply, but knew that this mother probably more often than not faced encounters turning out totally differently. "I enjoyed talking to your son."
When she stood in the kitchen half an hour later, the little boy still haunted her thoughts. She looked at Jennie sitting at the kitchen table, aimlessly scribbling a little with some crayons on a paper in anticipation for dinner and a surge of gratefulness welled up. Sure, she'd had to carry her back to the car and she had to put down her bags with groceries so that she could unlock the car and put her in. But Jennie could stand unassisted if she needed to. And sure, she'd had to ask again for some of her words, but she could articulate. Not as they might have hoped, but still. There were so many things that she could do, and all of them were so easy to forget in the never-ending hunt for the abilities that she hadn't.
"What do you want for dinner?" she asked and threw open the fridge.
Jennie slipped off her chair and made her way over the kitchen table to peek into it. She stumbled a little, which made Meredith frown, but she said nothing. She scanned it carefully and then lit up at the sight of the meatloaf from yesterday's dinner.
"Eat-moaf," she said and looked expectantly at Meredith. "And ohp-ey-toes."
She turned around, something that made her almost fall over, and looked expectantly at the steel basket on the counter, the one where Meredith and Derek always put potatoes and onions. Meredith smiled a little because Jennie almost always chose potatoes if she could.
"Ok," she said, more interested in the fact that her daughter's coordination seemed a little off than in her dinner choices. "Jennie, are you having trouble walking? Do your new braces hurt?"
"No," Jennie said.
Meredith scrutinized her for a moment, but she seemed sincere and not bothered by it. She shrugged and took out a plate from the cupboard and scooped up a large enough portion on it and put it into the micro-wave. While it was heating up, she cut up some peppers and onions to mix for a salad. She rummaged through the fridge's shelves; there should be a piece of blue cheese in there somewhere.
"There," she muttered while she at last saw it under a plastic lunch box that someone, probably Derek, had forgotten to take out last night. She sniffed it suspiciously and decided to throw it away.
"It oh-nt meh-ll good, Ah-mmy," Jennie nodded as if she agreed in Meredith's assessment. She was sitting down at the table again, but she hadn't gone on with her coloring. Instead she was watching Meredith work, but not with her usual curiosity. In fact, Meredith thought she looked a little tired.
"You're right, it doesn't smell good," she merely replied, refraining from commenting on it. "I think it's too old. Can you check on the food?" she asked when the micro-wave beeped. "Is it warm enough?"
Jennie nodded and slided down from her seat. The micro-wave was way too high up on the counter for her to reach by herself, but she reached her arms up and Meredith lifted her so that she could open the door and touch the food with her finger.
"It warm, Ah-mmy," she said after a few seconds. "I eat it."
"Ok, that's good," Meredith said and put her down again and took out the plate.
She opened the top drawer and took out a fork and started to mash the potatoes. It was a tricky balance; Jennie's oral difficulties made it hard for her to chew and swallow all types of food. On the other hand, she benefited from practicing and they knew they would need to give her chunkier food to encourage this. Giving her bigger pieces always put her at risk for choking and Meredith was always a little wary to do that. She decided on a compromise; mashing the potatoes quite a bit to soften them up, but still leaving lumps.
"What bowl do you want?" she asked, wise from earlier experiences of trying to just pick one.
Jennie could be one of the most stubborn children she'd ever met and was sure to let them know if she didn't get it her way. Picking out what to eat in was one of those things she was absolutely intended on getting to do by herself.
"My ih-nk!" Jennie said immediately.
Meredith placed the heated-up meatloaf and the mashed potatoes in Jennie's favorite pink bowl that was made of the most unbreakable plastic material Meredith had ever seen. She couldn't count all those times it had fallen to the ground, or been thrown across the room, or banged at the table. Still it was completely whole, though with a fair share of scratches and marks. They had gotten it at Great Wolf Lodge when they had been there for vacation last summer, the first time they had taken the children to an adventure land like that. Both of them had loved it, and even though Jennie hadn't spoken comprehensively for those that didn't know her, she'd convinced a girl on the staff to let her keep this particular bowl after a play activity.
Meredith quickly stirred together a mix of milk, some Asian soy and a little flour and put it in a saucepan on the stove to heat up. It was easier for Jennie to eat her food if it was mixed with something that made it softer and easier to chew. With her spina bifida, though, they always had to watch out for what food they gave her. Both Meredith and Derek were aware of the problems with over-weight that lured around the corner for children in wheelchairs that were not growing very tall as they got older. They didn't want to restrict Jennie from eating things she would enjoy, but they always tried to think about making most of their food from scratch and avoid prepackaged stuff.
"Ah-mmy, eh-lp me," Jennie begged, pointing to her food.
Lately, she'd started asking for help in situations she used to do all by herself before. This lapse in progression had worried Meredith a little, but she tried to wait it out. Josie had been like this too, although in her case, she'd had a little sister that took a lot of her and Derek's energy and had had a hard time accepting that all their time and attention didn't focus on her like before.
"No, Jennie," Meredith replied now. "You can eat by yourself. I know you can."
"No," Jennie whined in a voice that told nothing about her usually a little slurred speech. Ironically, despite being such a happy child, she'd always been the most clear on her nos.
"You want some milk? In your pink cup?" Meredith asked to provide some distraction. It was something that usually worked pretty well, and today was no exception. Jennie nodded and stirred her mashed potatoes with her spoon.
Meredith poured a little milk in a plastic cup in the same color as the bowl. It didn't actually come from the same collection, or even from the same place as the bowl, but it's similar enough to pass for a set, at least for Jennie. It had no handles, though, and thus it proved a little more different for Jennie to drink from than necessary. Meredith put a heap of paper towels before her on the table and a dish towel in her lap so she wouldn't spill all over her clothes. She watched Jennie take an eager sip from her cup, and surely, some of it trickled through the corners of her mouth. Jennie didn't care, or maybe she didn't feel it, because she didn't pick up a towel to wipe it off. Meredith knew it was no idea to help her before she'd finished her meal.
"Is ih-nk," Jennie said, pointing to her bowl and her cup, looking expectantly at Meredith.
"You're right, they're pink," Meredith confirmed. "With yummy food." She sat down across the table with her plate and a glass of water and watched Jennie obediently start spoon feeding herself. "That's my girl."
"You has ah-lad," Jennie said and pointed to her food. "Not good."
"Yep, salad for me," Meredith acknowledged. "You like real food better, right? What food do you like most?"
"Ice tee-hm!" Jennie said and giggled when Meredith shook her head disbelievingly.
"Ok, that's not food, crazy girl" Meredith argued. "So what do you like to eat for dinner?"
But Jennie had lost interest in the conversation already and was instead examining the cup she was still holding.
"Noooo," she said.
"No?" Meredith repeated. She quickly checked the food and peeked down in the cup. Nothing seemed different. "What's wrong?"
"Nooo," Jennie said again, pointing to her cup.
"You don't want that cup?" Meredith asked, but Jennie shook her head and pressed her index finger against the cup a few times as to emphasize something.
Puzzled, Meredith leaned over a little to see what she meant. She studied the little cup with a scrutiny she'd probably never had. The cup wasn't merely plain pink, it actually had a few prints on it, something she'd never noticed before. Next to the manufacturer's name and a little trophy, it said 'No. 1', something she'd never noticed before.
But Jennie did.
"Nooo," she said again and nodded.
Meredith glanced at her. Jennie started a little with some letters and words in preschool. When she sat with her to go over those words, she knew some of the easy ones – like 'I', and 'the' and 'and', but other than that, she'd never before read a word to her by herself.
"That's right! It says 'no'!" Meredith told Jennie, who had a big grin on her face. "Good girl! We need to tell Daddy that you read a word when he gets home."
"Ee-sh," Jennie said and nodded, pleased with herself. "Ah-mmy, we ai-ght?"
"Say that again?" Meredith said.
"We ai-ght?"
"We're right? About what?"
"No," Jennie said and pointed at the little candle holder in the middle of the table. It looked like a spiral and Meredith had gotten it from Richard and Adele only a week or so ago, when they had been over for dinner. Jennie and Josie had both been fascinated with it, because it smelled like some kind of flower and it changed colors randomly while it burned.
"Oh, the lights," Meredith said and nodded. "Do you think we should lit the candle?"
"Ee-sh," Jennie said happily.
Just then, the telephone rang and Meredith stood up to answer.
"Hi," she heard Derek in the other end. "Just calling to say we're leaving in a bit. Everything's good?"
"Yeah," Meredith replied. "We're still eating. How's Josie doing?"
There was a slight pause.
"Well," Derek said slowly. "It's been an interesting night. I'll tell you when I get home."
"Ok," Meredith said a little puzzled. "Oh, you know what Jennie just did? I'm gonna put her on the phone so she can tell you herself." She put the phone between her shoulder and her ear and lifted Jennie up in her lap before giving the phone over to her. "Jennie, it's Daddy. Tell him what you just did."
But Jennie just studied the phone and pouted her lips a little bit, not saying anything.
"Bug?" she heard Derek say over the line. "What did you wanna tell me?"
"Tell Daddy," Meredith encouraged her when she still didn't say a word. "Tell him you read a word by yourself."
"Read a word," Jennie said obediently and Meredith almost stopped in her tracks.
She'd almost never heard Jennie say something so intelligibly before, apart from her endless nos. Derek seemed stunned as well, because she could hear him draw a breath on the other side of the phone.
"Wow, that's really good, Bug," he said after a moment. "And you know what? You said those words really clearly too. Big things happening tonight, huh?"
More than half an hour later, when they had almost finished their meal and the candle had accompanied them with a sober, pretty atmospheric light, the front door opened and they could hear Derek and Josie burst in.
It took her a few minutes, but eventually Josie came into the kitchen. She was walking slowly and looked a little restless when she sat down across the table from where Jennie was sitting.
"Hi there," Meredith said. "Did you have a good time at the party?"
"It was ok," Josie said and shrugged a little.
"Just ok?" Meredith asked. "You didn't have fun?"
"Sure," Josie said, but didn't elaborate. Meredith took a closer look at her. She didn't look different from when she had seen her fleetingly at the party a couple of hours ago, but there was something about her demeanor that made her a little concerned.
"Is something wrong?" she asked carefully.
Josie sighed and looked at her. "My belly hurts," she said quietly.
Meredith cast a glance at Derek, who by now had joined them in the kitchen and was tapping up a glass of water for himself. He merely shrugged, and she turned her attention back to Josie.
"Your belly hurts? Did you eat too much cake at the party?"
"No," Josie said. "I didn't want that cake."
"That's true," Derek confirmed when Meredith raised her eyebrows. "She didn't eat anything over at Sheila's."
Meredith studied her oldest daughter. She was unsure if the cause of her stomach ache really was physical or if something had happened at the party that made her uneasy. If it was the latter, she would need to talk to her about it. Now though, she seemed in the need for a little cheering up, no matter the reason.
"Well," she said and smiled at both her and Jennie. "Do you think some ice cream would help?"
"Ice tee-hm!" Jennie exclaimed and Josie's face brightened a little at the mention of her favorite dessert. Meredith couldn't help but feel grateful that such a simple thing could still make her children happy. She took out a carton of ice cream and placed it on the kitchen counter while she rummaged in the cupboards for two bowls.
"I only want vanilla!" Josie protested once she saw the flavor.
"You love chocolate ice cream," Meredith pointed out and opened the carton to let the ice cream soften a little.
"Not anymore," Josie said stubbornly.
"Well, that's all we have," Derek said firmly. "Do you want a scoop or not?"
Josie glared at him for a moment and then sunk down on a chair, waiting for the bowl of chocolate ice cream Meredith put before her.
"Ok," she muttered.
Meredith looked at Josie with a frown, but gave her a free pass as she placed even more paper towels before Jennie, because if drinking sometimes could be messy for her, ice cream could be even worse. At least, ice cream didn't come with hard chunks, so she didn't have to worry about choking. She half expected Jennie to ask her to feed her again, but she eagerly grabbed the spoon and started to slurp her helping. She didn't even seem to spill that much.
"Good job, Jennie," Meredith encouraged her and Jennie grinned up at her.
"Look at me, Mommy! I'm almost finished already!"
"You're doing a great job too, Jo," Meredith told Josie, careful not to point out that eating a bowl of ice cream hadn't been a challenge for her for about six years. For being set aside those countless times where she and Derek had had to focus on Jennie, Josie relatively rarely demanded praise for something she'd done, especially something that she knew was an easy task for her. Still, sometimes a need for attention surfaced, and Meredith had really worked to ensure she wouldn't just tell her she was a big girl, shrugging off her need to be seen.
"Can I watch T.V.?" Josie said as she pushed her bowl across the table.
"Not until Jennie has finished," Meredith said. "You can watch T.V. a bit before bed, but you both need to get ready in the bathroom first.
"But Mommy!" Josie whined and pouted her lips at Meredith. "I wanna watch cartoons!"
Derek raised his eyebrows.
"Josie, do as Mom says," he said. "Bath first, T.V. after."
"No!" Josie shot back and Meredith frowned again. It wasn't at all like Josie to grumble like this, especially not after having been treated to something. She saw that Derek too watched Josie with an increasing irritation, and was glad when Jennie provided a distraction by pulling at her sleeve.
"Ah-mmy, I all good," she said and pointed to her almost empty bowl.
"Yeah, you're good," Meredith said and nodded. "Then let's go brush your teeth, both of you, before it's bedtime."
"Ah-mmy, I haf a ba-dh ooh?" Jennie asked as she took Meredith's hand and climbed down the chair.
"Yes," Meredith nodded. "Like you always do."
She led Jennie into the bathroom, looking over her shoulder to see if Josie had followed. Jennie used to like her evening baths and had nothing against sitting in the shallow water, happily playing with some plastic toys. Josie was more reluctant and always made a slight fuss before she let Meredith help her shower.
She turned on the water and while they waited for the tub to fill up, she helped Jennie strip off her clothes and carefully removed her braces.
"You're a bit red here," she said, gently touching Jennie's right calf where she could see early signs of pressure sores. "You feel that?"
Jennie shook her head no and reached for the edge of the tub, showing no interest in what Meredith was doing. Meredith inspected her legs once more, but then lifted her into the tub and helped her sit down while she made sure the nozzle wasn't too hot.
"Come on, Jo," she said as she carefully helped Jennie lean backwards under the water faucet and soaked her hair. "Your show's about to begin, let's get this over with."
While Josie sulkily, but without any real protests, undressed and climbed into the tub with her sister, Meredith squeezed out what was left in Jennie's shampoo bottle. Reminding herself that she had to buy a new one, she rubbed it into Jennie's hair. She gave Josie the bottle that was hers and smiled when she poured a good enough amount of it into her hands and started rubbing it in. Unlike when she was a little younger, she did it quite right and got her whole head shampooed, something that wasn't very easy with all her curly hair.
While Jennie played with the few cups and the pink elephant that squirted water when you pressed its middle, Meredith gently poured water over her head to rinse out the shampoo. She took care to wash Jennie's legs and feet, where she had very little sensation, so they surely would get cleaned.
"Jo, wipe off yourself with your shower gel," she instructed. "I'll help you with your hair in a minute."
"I good?" Jennie asked, looking up at her from where she was splashing with both her hands so that small waves appeared on the surface.
"Not yet," Meredith said. "You're gonna get some shower gel too, and then you can play a little while I help Josie, ok?"
As expected, Josie fussed when Meredith helped her rinse out her hair, even though she let her lean her head backwards and hold her hands over her eyes like she absolutely insisted on.
"Josie," she sighed at last when her daughter had three times stirred her head away from the faucet just in the last second. "It doesn't hurt getting water in your eyes. If you just let me do it, we'll be done in a minute."
"It does hurt," Josie cried and tried to get away from her hands. "It's not the water, it's the shampoo and it does hurt!"
"Josie," Meredith said tersely and cast a glance at Jennie. She was still sitting down in the tub, playing with a pink dolphin, but Meredith knew it wouldn't be long until she'd begin to whine for not getting up.
"No, no," Josie cried when she tried again to rinse out her shampoo and when she started to move around in the tub to avoid the water, Meredith decided to lift Jennie up. Even if Josie did try to step carefully, it was a second's work for her to slip and fall and if that happened, Meredith didn't want Jennie in the way.
"Do it yourself," she said sternly and put the nozzle in Josie's left hand. "Or else you'll have to wait until I get Jennie clean."
She lifted Jennie out, who by now was wrinkled as a raisin after sitting for so long in the water. She reached for the towels she'd put on the floor and wrapped her in a blue one. She sat down with her on the toilet seat, rubbing her arms and legs dry and then taking a smaller towel for her hair. Jennie leaned back into her neck and took a deep breath and Meredith stopped working with her for a second and cradled her, allowing herself to enjoy the moment.
"Derek," she then called. "Can you come get Jennie?"
She knew Derek was probably busy with one thing or another, and got Jennie started with brushing her teeth in the meantime. It was always bit of a balancing act; sometimes she used to fight Meredith on this, remembering her oral sensitivities, sometimes she gave in. To Meredith's relief, she was ok with it tonight.
"Ay-shelf," she said and grabbed her blue and pink toothbrush from the mug where they kept the children's brushes.
"Sure," Meredith agreed and helped her stand on the little stool they kept in the bathroom so the children would be tall enough to look into the mirror. She usually let Jennie stand by herself but since she'd already removed her braces, she had to hold her up and essentially support all her weight tonight.
When Derek appeared in the doorway, Jennie was almost finished with her bedtime routine; bath, teeth and hair.
"Hey," Meredith sighed when she saw him. "I gotta do Josie too; can you take Jennie to the toilet and then get her ready for bed? Let her wear her short braces if she's gonna be up a while. She's been a bit unstable today; maybe it's the long ones."
As Jennie willingly eased into Derek's arms, she turned to Josie, who was still standing in the tub, using the nozzle to keep herself wet. She hadn't given her hair a try; it was almost white from the shampoo still in it.
After what felt like an eternity, some tears and endless coaxing later, Josie's hair was finally rinsed out and she swept another towel around her and let her dry herself while she drained out the water from the tub and attempted to clean up a little in the bathroom.
"Mommy?" When Meredith turned around, Josie had put her nightgown on and held out the comb from the top of the bathroom shelf. "Can you brush my hair?"
Meredith, who by this time had worked up an irritation and wanted nothing more than getting both Josie and Jennie in bed, softened at the earnest request. She knew it was a peace offering. Josie used to hate the hair brushing even more than the showering since her curls sometimes became tangled and twisted.
"Of course," she said. "Come here." She made Josie stand before her and gently run the comb through her wet hair. It was like Josie felt it was a better move not to try Meredith's patience more this evening, because she stood totally still during Meredith's attempt to tame her curls.
"Jennie," they heard Derek call somewhere inside the house. "It's too late for coloring now, let's get into your room, ok?"
Meredith shook her head, hoping that Derek would be able to tempt Jennie with a goodnight story before she caused a scene not getting her way. She wasn't that lucky though; three minutes later, they both heard Jennie's feet pad over the floor and when she appeared in the doorway, she held out her left index finger for Meredith to see.
"Lee-hd," she said, rather sounding surprised than scared.
Meredith leaned forward to inspect her finger. She was right; there was a thin cut on her finger and fresh blood had started to gush out, although there wasn't much.
"What did you do?" she asked.
"I oh-lor, Ah-mmy," Jennie explained, still looking fascinated at her own finger.
"You colored even though Daddy said you shouldn't?" Meredith asked. "And you cut yourself on the paper?"
"I cut," Jennie agreed, ignoring Meredith's first statement.
"Ok," Meredith sighed, willing to let go if it meant Jennie would go to bed. "Let's wash it off."
She led Jennie to the sink and turned the faucet on, but just as she held Jennie's hand under the faucet, she snatched it backwards.
"No!" she said. "Uh-rt!"
"Jennie," Meredith begged. "It won't hurt. Please."
"No," she said stubbornly. "I oh-nt want oh."
"Jen," Meredith said, sighing with frustration. "Come on now. Daddy's waiting for you."
Josie had been standing quietly next to Meredith the whole time, but now she reached forward and pulled off a piece of toilet paper. She held it for a second under the faucet and then held it out to Jennie.
"Here," she said. "You can do it so you know it won't hurt."
To Meredith's surprise, Jennie obliged. She pressed her finger against the little make-shift cloth that Josie was holding, not quite by the instructions, but it worked.
"Ah-mmy, no lee-hd," Jennie said and looked happily at her finger.
"Great," Meredith sighed. "Will you go out to Daddy now?"
When both Josie and Jennie were placed in front of the T.V., Josie's show had already been going on for fifteen minutes. Given that they'd both had fussed about having to get dressed for bed, they'd only pouted a little before settling in to see the rest of it.
She and Derek had returned to the kitchen and Derek started to put the dishes in their washing machine while Meredith put away the last things in the fridge.
"What's up with her tonight?" Meredith asked, nodding at the living room. "Did something happen?"
"No idea," Derek replied.
"Well," Meredith said and shrugged. "How was the party?"
Sheila, a girl in Josie's class, had invited all girls to a princess-themed tea party this afternoon and Josie had been excited to go all week. Yesterday, though, she'd been quiet and mostly kept to herself in her room and at last, Meredith had gone in to talk to her. After some prodding and beating around the bush about it, Josie had finally admitted that she was scared to go to the party all by herself. Meredith had immediately assured her that she didn't need to. She or Daddy would come with her. Did she want to pick out an outfit now? They could go up and have a look in the dressing up-drawer and see if they could find a dress and maybe a tiara. Josie had relaxed a little at the promise that she wouldn't have to go alone, but she'd absolutely refused to find a dress.
"Princesses are silly, Mommy," she'd said. "I'll have my regular clothes."
And she hadn't changed her mind when time came to leave for the party, even if Meredith in secret had gathered a few outfits just in case. She'd gone off with Derek's hand in hers, wearing a green hoodie and sweatpants and her hair just pulled back in a simple ponytail.
"It was... interesting, to say the least," Derek said now. "Every other girl had put on long, flowery dresses and tiaras. When we got there, they were all dancing around to music and eating brownies."
"Let me guess," Meredith said, raising her eyebrows. "Josie refused to dance?"
"Yep," Derek confirmed. "She mostly sat down at a table together with a few other children, coloring and decorating with some crafts. She seemed to be perfectly happy with that. The other moms, though..."
"You were the only dad?"
"Of course," Derek nodded. "Sheila's mom kept asking me if Josie was doing all right. And another wondered if she was not feeling well."
Meredith shook her head. Maybe it was because that was all so far from her own reality, but she just couldn't get that adult people so swiftly pegged other people, even small children, to be in a certain way just because of traditions or gender roles.
"What did you say?" she wanted to know.
"Not much," Derek said and shrugged. "Just that princesses weren't her thing. Then she told me she was sorry."
Meredith couldn't help but smile a little at the perplexity Derek and Josie must have brought out in those moms, no matter how progressive and modern they thought they were. It also reminded her of something that was easy to forget when helping Jennie deal with stares and comments. People struggled with any sort of differences in other people. A little girl who walked with assistance or talked like a much younger child was doomed to be scrutinized. But the same went for a girl who refused to wear Jasmine dresses or Belle tiaras, or chose Superman as their outfit for Halloween.
Suddenly, a loud bass started to sound from the living room. Meredith jumped at the unexpected sound, but the noise only went on for a few seconds before the volume was turned down. They could clearly hear the tunes of Duran Duran though, the Spotify search Meredith had done only yesterday when she was having an hour to herself.
"What are they up to?" Derek frowned and made his way over to the doorway that separated the kitchen from the living room. Meredith followed and they both peeked in to see what all the commotion was about.
Josie was curled up in the end of the couch. She had her legs drawn up against her chest and her head down, but she had raised her eyes to look at her sister. Jennie was making her way over the floor. Without seeing her parents, she held out her hand to Josie.
"What?" Josie said reluctantly, but when Jennie pulled at her hands, she sighed and let herself be dragged up on her feet.
Jennie took both Josie's hands in hers, and started to move in rhythm to the music. For a little while, they just stood eye to eye, swaying. Jennie smiled, but Josie looked a little tentative. It wasn't until Jennie started to live it up a tad, moving her arms a little wider and rock her lower body a little wilder, that she returned a little smile.
Meredith, although touched by the tender scene, stood with her heart in her mouth, ready to step in the very moment Jennie's balance would falter. But she hadn't needed to worry. Josie soon shifted her grip, so that she held Jennie like she must at some point have seen Derek hold her, with her right hand in Jennie's left and her other hand around her waist. When Jennie didn't immediately placed her hand right, she stopped momentarily and patiently placed her other hand on her own shoulder. Jennie looked eagerly on Josie.
"Up," she said, gesticulating towards Josie's feet.
Josie hesitated, but then helped her sister stepping up on the top of her feet, like Derek had done with them both several times. Jennie giggled when she started to sway from side to side with her on top. Soon, the music increased in rhythm, and Jennie looked expectantly at her sister.
"Ah-st," she instructed. Josie nodded and took a better grip on her waist. Jennie squealed with laughter as she lifted her up in the air and started twirling them around the living room floor, and of the earlier reservation in Josie's face was nothing left anymore.
When the Spotify tune faded out, though, Josie's smile did too and she let Jennie down on the ground and put her cheek to her shoulder, sighing a little. Jennie stopped dancing around, and for ten seconds or so, they stood still, only swaying minimally to the last notes of the song. Then Jennie loosened herself from Josie's grip. She leaned a little backwards and inspected her sister.
"All eh-dder?" she asked and nodded hopefully.
Josie smiled weakly.
"Yeah," she replied and watched Jennie brighten. "You made it all better."
An hour later, when Derek had turned off the T.V., and they both had been saying goodnight to Jennie in her room, Meredith had gone in to Josie's room. She used to stay up for a bit longer than Jennie, especially on weekends, but tonight, she'd been lying in her bed already when Meredith entered. She'd begged her to lie down with her, complaining of another tummy ache.
"What did you do at the party?" Meredith asked softly, stroking her hair out of her eyes, threading a bit carefully because she sensed that maybe something wasn't quite as it should be tonight. She wasn't sure if it was Josie's a little odd behavior earlier, or the fact that she's complained of a tummy ache for the second time today that did it.
"We colored and had cake," Josie said. "And danced and all girls were dressed up like princesses."
"Did you want to be one too?"
"No, princesses are silly," Josie repeated, just like when Meredith had asked her about it last time. "It's just pretend."
"Did Jennie have a good time too?" Meredith asked, choosing to skip going into how princesses in fact were a very real thing, because if you really thought about it, the whole concept was much more pretend than reality anyway.
"Erica and Hannah asked her to play house with them," Josie reported.
"That's great," Meredith smiled. "Did she like that?"
Even if Jennie seemed to have found her place in her preschool group, playing and making friends, there was always the concern about other children teasing her or treating her differently. Meredith was glad to hear that even at a party for little older kids, she was considered a worthy playmate.
Josie didn't reply for a few seconds, then looked up at Meredith and bit her lip.
"I'm not sure," she said quietly.
"Why not?" Meredith asked. "Jennie loves to play pretend with you."
"Yes, but then I let her be good stuff, like the doctor."
Meredith held back a smile because she knew that wasn't entirely true. Josie was very good at playing with her sister and had taught her a lot of role-playing that she didn't get naturally with other kids given her difficulties to converse like them. But she'd seen that Josie many times chose to role-play the 'better' role if she could, giving the smaller, more insignificant roles to her sister, where she had to instruct her what to do. Meredith had seemed nothing strange about that; Josie was three years older, that was what sisters did.
"But Erica and Hannah didn't?" she asked now, sensing that Josie was upset about the way this game had played out.
"No," Josie shook her head.
"Were they being mean?"
Josie hesitated briefly. "No."
"Were they making fun of her?"
"Not really," Josie decided.
Meredith turned a little in Josie's narrow bed so she would get a better look at her daughter. Frustration crept up her spine when she couldn't seem to get any real information out of her, even though she clearly had something on her mind. She wondered if it really was ok for her to press Josie like this, but she felt herself unable to stop.
"Josie, what happened?"
"They made her play the baby," Josie mumbled. "Erica was the dad and Hannah was the mom and they wanted Jennie to be the baby because she was the littlest."
"You don't think Jennie wanted to be the baby?"
"No, she didn't," Josie said. "She said she didn't, but they didn't listen to her. They said because she walks like a baby, she had to be one."
"Did they say anything else?" Meredith asked, distressed at the thought of Jennie being merely an icon in the girls' game rather than an active participator but trying not to sound anything but calm.
"That she didn't talk like other kids, too," Josie told her. "And when they played, they just asked her silly questions, like they thought she was a baby for real."
"What did Jennie say?"
"She didn't say so much but when she did, they didn't even hear her." Josie bit her lip again and leaned against Meredith as if she wanted her to hold her.
"Did you say something?" Meredith asked, grabbing Josie's hand and started rubbing it with her thumb.
Josie buried her head into her chest and shook her head. "I wanted to," she whispered. "But I didn't know what. And she wasn't sad, like, crying. And then you comed."
"That's ok, honey," Meredith said. "I know it's hard to say something. It's good that you're telling me this now. You know what I'd wanted to do?"
Josie shook her head. She was still lying with her face hidden, but Meredith could tell she was listening.
"I'd wanted to tell them that Jennie is just like any other four year old," Meredith said, doing her best to sound cheerful. "She does a lot of the same stuff they do. She loves to color, for example. And go swimming. And she plays Candyland whenever she gets a chance."
"And she likes to puzzle," Josie added. "And help cook. And eat ice cream!"
"That's right," Meredith smiled, looking down on her daughter who'd crawled up from her hiding spot and now was lying on her back, staring up in the ceiling. "Those things I'd have liked to tell those girls."
Josie shrugged. "Let's not talk anymore."
Meredith hesitated, not sure if there wasn't anything else to say, but decided to let go. She nodded, but didn't move for about ten minutes or so, when Josie's breaths had evened out and she felt limp against her. She knew Josie was processing what had happened on the party, and maybe other incidents like this that she'd kept to herself. Josie was around Jennie so much more than any of them were; she was bound to see more of Jennie's interaction with other kids than any of the adults caring for her could ever report.
Meredith had noticed Josie go quiet several times during the last couple of weeks, sometimes with no apparent reason but sometimes directly related to something Jennie said or did. She knew Josie must be figuring out how braces, wheelchairs and insufficient speech fit into the everyday that she knew of. How Jennie fit in. And herself, dealing with situations like today.
Meredith slowly untangled herself from Josie's sheets and got up from her bed. She let the turtle night light be lit like Josie wanted; she hated waking up in the middle of the night to a totally black room.
She was still trying to figure things out too. She hoped she had said the right words to Josie. Being put on the spot with questions that no one ever really taught you how to answer didn't use to sit well with her. Hard, cold, scientific facts were one thing. She could learn those things, be prepared. But having children, and a child that differed from other children in particular, had brought a lot of those other questions into her life. Like how to know if pushing Josie to talk was a burden or a relief to her. Or how to get her to stick up for Jennie in disputes like these. Or how to get other children to treat Jennie just like any other kid.
She crashed at the couch when she came into the living room, her hectic day and her children's need for attention finally catching up with her. Derek placed a glass of red wine at the table and sank down next to her and Meredith leaned against his chest, savoring the feeling of his warmth. Nights when he wasn't home to help her could sometimes be stressful, but despite that nagging feeling that something wasn't quite as it should with Jennie, she'd been happy to have her all to herself tonight.
"What are you thinking?" Derek nudged her a little. He looked pretty tired himself, and she guessed they as well would head for bed soon enough.
"Nothing," she said, smiling slightly and deciding to wait until morning to talk to him about what Josie had told her. "It's been a good night is all."
A/N – Thanks for reading! Please leave me a comment and tell me what you thought.