Author's Note: I have to give credit where credit is due, so I should mention that this story is largely inspired by the fanfic 'Customer Service.' If you haven't read it, GO READ IT. It's the most hilarious fanfic I've ever read and also the most enjoyable. So you'll notice a lot of similarities, mainly the writing format and some of the plot as well. I've tried to differentiate as much as I can while still remaining a little inspired by it, so there you have it! Please review, I do love to fuel my own ego!

"Did I mention Pansy's coming on the stake out mission?"

"About five times already, Zabini."

"Oh. Well, she is. Should make for an interesting weekend."

"I wonder if I should force Granger to come?"

"Granger? What on earth for?"

"I hired her."

"You what! Honestly, mate, why do you never consult people before going off and doing, stupid, stupid things?"

"Smart thing this time, Zabini, very smart."

"How so?"

"Granger is willing to whore herself out. I'm essentially paying her to shack up with Viktor Krum."

"Really? I thought Granger had morals and integrity…and…morals."

"How many times must I tell you, Blaise, that no woman has integrity. It's something they made up so they can get out of having to shag someone ugly."

"You think? But Granger's different, though. She probably poos Gryffindor, you know, all that self-righteous shit."

"Trust me, she's willing to let that go for a cool 25,000 galleons a month."

"Christ! That's probably more money than she's ever seen in her entire lifetime."

"Weasley is the poor one, you idiot, not Granger. Her parents are dendests."

"What the hell are those?"

"They're sort of like Muggle Death Eaters. They specialize in torture of the mouth and face. I did some research. They make good money!"

"They must've been so ashamed when she ended up in Gryffindor, bless them…"

"Blaise, I don't like the idea of a stake-out, I've changed my mind."

"Pans, nobody's forcing you to come. It's okay if you want to stay home with your lousy husband and play Gryffindor all night."

"Ooooh, you really know how to get me riled, Blaise."

"I know, my love. You look especially ravishing when you're mad."

"So tactless…"

"So you're coming?"

"I suppose it's my duty to look out for the two of you and make sure you don't get into any trouble. It's the responsible thing to do after all, isn't it?"

"Wow, Pans, you managed to make something so Slytherin sound so Gryffindor. There you go with responsibility again. We're Slytherin - we're held accountable for nothing, because we cover up our tracks."

"If you call me Gryffindor one more time, I swear I'll show you the true meaning of Slytherin."

"Is that right…Gryffindor."

"Argh - IMPEDIMENTA!"

~*~

"Granger, I'd like for you to accompany Blaise, Pansy, and myself on a stake-out mission."

"You're barking. Me against three Slytherins? No chance."

"It's part of your job. Something I'm paying you to do."

"How do I know you lot won't hex me as soon as we reach there? You could burn me alive and eat me for supper!"

"You're unbalanced, Granger. There's nothing that would taste worse than your burning flesh."

"Listen, I can't go. I don't trust you guys."

"Need I remind you that you're my employee and I'm paying you a lot of money to do as I say. If you disobey me, I'll fire you right this second and you'll be back on the streets."

"I was never on the streets, Malfoy."

"Irrelevant. The question is, are you willing to walk away from all this money and power?"

"I guess I'm not."

"Good. I've arranged a portkey to Sofia that leaves in 20 minutes. Meet me in the second floor conference room."

"Blaise, Pansy, I suspect you remember Granger."

"Indeed. How…lovely to see you again."

"Wow, Granger, you're a hell of a lot prettier than you were at Hogwarts. And Christ, are those implants!"

"No, Zabini, they're not. Why does everyone keep asking me that?"

"There's no way those are real. I've never seen tits so…perfect."

"Blaise! Can you take your mind off the female anatomy for two seconds please."

"Careful, Zabini, Pansy is getting jealous."

"I am not, and if you say anything further on the subject, I'll hex you."

"Ooh, I'd take her word for it, mate. She left me impedimenta'd for an hour."

"Nice, Pansy."

"Oh! Well…thanks, Granger."

"Are we ready? I'm aching for some toasted Bulgarian ass. Granger, you must be too, are you excited to see Viktor?"

"Am I seeing him today? You never said anything about that!"

"What the hell did you think I asked you to come for Granger, your charisma? No! Now I hope you're wearing some suitable knickers, we wouldn't want to upset Krum."

"I can't believe you. Actually, I can, I just can't believe I talked myself into working for a misogynistic, backwards-thinking pig like you!"

"Granger, you wound me. Shall we?"

"F-f-fuck, Draco, it's f-f-freezing."

"How did me manage to forget that it's about a million degrees colder in Bulgaria?"

"Pansy, you're the practical one, it's your fault for not remembering."

"Are you wizards or not? Honestly, I thought Slytherins were supposed to be cunning. Here, take these cloaks."

"Thanks, Granger. Beauty and brains, there might be hope for you yet. It's a shame Viktor doesn't appreciate those things. It's all fanny, no face with him."

"Please don't remind me. I did date him you know, I know these things firsthand."

"Listen, I was thinking, it might not be so bad. You look dry as a prune and you probably haven't seen any action in a long time. Maybe his clumsiness in bed will be so overwhelmingly orgasmic, that you're forget it's him that you're fucking."

"God, Draco, shut it, will you? You used to be so well-mannered, if your mum could see you now…"

"She's dead, Pans, thanks for bringing back the memories."

"Oh, don't guilt me. You don't have a single emotional bone in your body."

"True. So let's get to rocking, shall we?"

"Now what exactly am I supposed to do?"

"You walk knock on Viktor's door, his is flat 18C, and you seduce the socks off of him. We'll be listening with those Extendable Ears the Weasleys made. The only good contribution, actually."

"I'd just like to say right now, in front of witnesses, that I am a good, caring person who doesn't ordinarily use people. I think this is completely wrong and I will never, ever do it again."

"Get on with it, will you?! We're freezing our balls off here and you're trying to justify being a prostitute."

"How dare you, Zabini!"

"Granger, I have to agree. Get to knocking or we'll get to hexing, Draco and Blaise's private parts aside."

"Alright, alright. But you all heard what I have to say, so now I can walk with a semi-clear conscience!"

"Oh, will you JUST GET ON WITH IT!"

Knock, knock.

"Who is it?"

"It's…uh…Hermione?"

"Herm-ninny?!"

"Yes, Viktor, won't you open the door!"

"Herm-ninny, you are standing before my very eyes! I cannot believe it!"

"Viktor, it's been far too long. How are you?"

"Vunderful, thank you. I am so surprised, Herm-ninny. And you are looking more beautiful than ever."

"That's very kind of you to say."

"Mmm…Herm-ninny, vhen did you become so frisky?"

"I've been lonely for a long, long time Viktor… I've missed you…"

"Mmmm…oh my, I can hardly believe my eyes!"

("What do you think she's doing to him? I've never heard moaning like that before!"

"Who would have known that prudent, little Granger was such a wildcat. Meowww."

"I've no idea why I agreed to this. We're basically listening to two people have sex, and two people who we despise no less! You boys are so disgusting."

"Hey guys, do you ever think she might have been sorted into the wrong house? She's downright manipulative right now and it's turning me on."

"Blaise!"

"Oh, Blaise, you know how jealous Pansy gets. Lay off the other women won't you."

"I've had enough of your wisecracks, Draco - SILENCIO!"

"Pansy?"

"What is it Blaise?"

"I'm scared of you right now.")

"Hermy-one, I am so glad you visited. I haff missed you as vell. I hope to resume what we started earlier…"

"Me too, Viktor, me too. I can't believe I managed to stay away from you this long. Don't leave me waiting any longer, I need you."

"Mmmm…"

"Granger, you should have been a porn actress."

"Excuse me?!"

"Those lines were fantastic. 'I need you, Viktor.' So bloody brilliant."

"I can't believe you guys listened to all of that, how humiliating!"

"So tell me, Granger, was he better than you imagined?"

"So much worse, I can't even begin to describe."

"Get used to it sunshine, we've got a long road ahead of us."

"I want two months' advance pay right now."

"No way! What gives you the right to ask such a silly question?"

"Do it now or I'm quitting."

"Go ahead."

"You would really put me out on the streets, Draco?"

"You called me Draco…"

"You'd really leave me helpless and alone?"

"Why are you moving closer? Back away!"

"I need you, Draco."

"Oh my god. You're the devil. Take your two months' advance, take three months'! Don't ever seduce me again, that was both the most erotic and disturbing thing ever."

"You're telling me. Thanks, Malfoy, you're an awfully accommodating sugar daddy."

"You'll be the death of me."