CHAPTER 3

Deeks played the last few moments back in his head, over and over and over again. Kensi had been defending him, desperately begging the guys not to hurt him before her body went limp and she fell into Sam's arms, unconscious.

He had watched as Sam carried his sleeping partner over to the couch and very carefully lowered her onto it. He heard her moan and then she said his name, "Deeks?" before she lost consciousness again.

His rational mind told him to stay away from her but his heart was saying differently. He was at war with himself.

While he desperately wanted to hold her in his arms and make everything better, he also knew what he'd done was, in his opinion, unforgivable. There was no plausible explanation for it, he wouldn't even try to defend himself. This was by far the worst thing he had ever done and the lowest he'd ever felt. He hated himself so much!

Kensi was his partner, his best friend, his everything! She meant more to him than anyone in his entire life. He couldn't deny that he loved her, he loved this woman so damn much it hurt!

"Deeks?"

He'd ruined everything. His partnership, his friendship with Kensi and the team, his career, their 'thing'! Everything that meant so much to him was going to come to an end and it was all because of him!

"Deeks?"

He didn't deserve to live. He didn't deserve to breathe. He was never going to live this down. This was going to end him. This was his fault!

"DEEKS!"

The detective jumped in surprise when Callen shouted in his ear and waved his hand in front of Deeks's face. Deeks glanced at him cautiously, taking deep shaky breaths to try to calm his wildly beating heart.

This is it! He thought. I'm going to die. I deserve to die. God what have I done?'

Now that he had the man's attention, Callen slid down the wall to sit beside Deeks and fixed his gaze upon the troubled LAPD officer.

"Deeks, I don't know what to say to you expect to ask you Why… WHY did you do it?" Callen questioned seriously. He looked Deeks straight in the eyes, waiting for an answer. "How could you do that to her? She trusted you!"

Deeks stuttered and shifted uncomfortably, "I… I don't know. I guess I just snapped! I was so angry at her for shooting my friend and I completely lost all control over my body… It was like I wasn't me anymore, like I was someone else!"

"Someone else?" Callen questioned softly, "Someone like Max?"

Deeks nodded and more tears fell from his eyes as he muttered to himself, "I didn't mean to hurt her! ... I… I didn't mean to hurt her! … Oh God what have I done? You're so stupid Deeks! You're so f***ing stupid!"

Callen took a few moments to study the younger man, taking in every detail. His eyes were puffy and wet, his cheeks were tear stained, his skin was ghostly pale, his entire body was violently trembling & his lips were quivering. There was a look in Deeks's eyes that he hadn't seen before. A mixture of hurt, sadness, regret and disbelief.

It was blatantly obvious to Callen that Deeks was not only suffering from severe shock but was also at war with his own thoughts. The man was literally tearing himself apart from the inside out and as angry as Callen was at him for what he'd done, the team leader knew he had to do the right thing & get Deeks some help. Kensi would never forgive him if he didn't…

"Ok Deeks," Callen patted his friend's knee gently. "We're going to get you some help! I think you need to talk to someone about what happened and we can sort everything else out after Kensi is stable."

Deeks nodded and dropped his head to his chest again as loud sobs racked his body.

…

"Kens, its Sam. I don't know if you can hear me but you're going to be ok. We aren't going to let anything happen to you. I'm right here Kens. I'm not leaving you!"

Sam knelt beside his injured friend and stroked her cheek gingerly. The bruise was still appearing along her jawline and up the side of her face and she was very pale. Her body shivered as she lay unconscious on the couch, her breathing shallow and shaky.

He was really concerned about her, having some medical background he knew she was in trouble. He cared about Kensi like a little sister and the thought of someone harming her made his blood boil.

The thought of Deeks hurting her was completely surreal to him and he wasn't quite sure how to sort through all of the emotions that were currently raging through his system.

"How is she doing?" Nell asked, reaching out and patting Sam's shoulder. "Is she going to ok?"

"I don't know," Sam answered in a quiet voice. "She's definitely got a concussion and probably a broken jaw, maybe some dental trauma too judging from the amount of blood in her mouth…. Do you know where Hetty is?"

Nell shook her head and checked her tablet for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last ten minutes.

She glanced up a few seconds later, "I can't track Hetty. She's turned her phone off… But the ambulance is pulling in so I will go out and get them. They won't know where to go otherwise."

"I'll go with you," Eric volunteered and they both walked away, quickly heading to the hidden OSP entrance.

That just left Sam with Kensi in the Bullpen and Callen with Deeks across the room. It was eerily quiet, the only sounds coming from Deeks who was under the watchful eye of Callen, sobbing in the corner of the building uncontrollably.

Sam couldn't even look at the distraught detective in fear he might lose control and pummel him to death for what he had done. He knew Deeks hadn't meant to hurt Kensi but it didn't stop the anger from building up in his chest.

Sam forced his mind back to the young women in front of him and took a few deep, calming breaths before he carefully curled his fingers around Kensi's hand and gave it a light squeeze, "Kens, if you can hear me I need you to squeeze my hand."

Nothing.

He tried again a little louder, "Kensi squeeze my hand."

This time he was rewarded with a weak squeeze from her small fingers and she opened her eyes to look at him, "S… Sam?"

"Yeah Kens," he smiled at her. "You ok?"

"Not really," Kensi answered, her words slurring again. "I … I feel like I ran into a tr… truck!"

"You look like it too!"

She narrowed her eyes at him, "n… not funny."

Sam brushed a hand over her brow and leant down to place a gentle kiss on her forehead, "no more talking. Just rest."

"Hmmm," she muttered and closed her eyes.

A door opened and closed behind them and shortly after, he heard footsteps approaching. Sam turned around to see two paramedics coming towards him, followed closely by Nell and Eric.

"Hello, I'm Nick and this is Lisa," the male officer stated. They started unpacking their gear before kneeling beside Kensi. "We're going to be looking after your girl here."

Sam nodded and moved out of their way, "I'm Sam. That's Callen over there and of course you've already met Nell and Eric."

"Yes, we have all been introduced," Nick smiled as he pulled on a pair of disposable white gloves and grabbed out a sealed syringe from his kit. "I like the name Nell by the way, very cool."

"Thanks," Nell said quietly, her voice wavering slightly.

Hearing her frail tone, Eric moved a step closer to his shivering friend and placed his hands on her shoulders, giving them a gentle rub in the process. Nell turned to him, tears in her eyes and wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling him to her and holding him there. The shock of what had happened over the past few hours was finally catching up with her and she felt her adrenaline fading, giving way to fear!

They silently watched as the paramedics started working on Kensi…

…

"So," Lisa carefully lowered herself to the ground in front of the couch, getting a quick glance from the agent who was barely able to stay awake at this stage. "You must be Kensi."

Kensi groaned and glanced at the ceiling, she didn't answer because, in her opinion, there was no reason to. They already knew who she was and why they were there, they were just trying to get Kensi to stay awake and talk to them but Kensi didn't want to do either of those things…

The female paramedic started assessing the other women's injuries with her eyes, they looked pretty nasty. Lisa had seen her fair share of facial injuries over the many years she had been in the medical profession but this case was especially bad. The whole side of Kensi's face was black and obviously hurting a lot more than the agent was letting on.

There was a lot of tension in the air and Sam was watching them like a hawk, supervising the ambulance officers every movement. Lisa felt like she was under a magnifying glass and walking on egg shells at the same time. One wrong move and she'd be thrown over the cliff.

She had no doubt that Sam could and would do anything to protect Kensi and right now that scared her because she didn't know if they could save the agent that was obviously dearly loved… But they were going to do their best!

Nick knelt beside his partner and took the agents hand in his, "can you tell us what happened today Kensi? How did you get this injury?"

Kensi didn't make a sound, she just laid there staring at them with a distant look in her eyes.

Nick shook his head and began wiping the back of Kensi's wrist with an antibacterial swap, locating a vein under her skin a few seconds later. "That's ok. You can tell us later…"

"We're going to put the cannula in now Kensi… You're going to feel a bit of a sting," Lisa opened the sealed package Nick had given to her and passed him the needle. "Take a deep breath…"

Kensi did as asked and watched Nick insert the drip into her vein. It stung a bit but Kensi didn't even blink.

"Good job," the male paramedic praised as he placed a clear stripe of tape over the cannula and attached a bag of fluids to the tubing. "We can give you some pain relief now."

Kensi nodded at that. Pain relief sounded amazing!

"Have you taken anything today?" Lisa asked, writing on Kensi's chart. "Any medications?"

Kensi was about to reply no but remembered she had taken something at lunch for her foot. She groaned and nodded slowly, "at lunch I t… took a couple of pain killers for my f… foot."

Lisa looked up from the clipboard and frowned, "what's wrong with your foot Kensi?"

"I…. I…" Kensi was really struggling now. Her mouth just wasn't cooperating and her words wouldn't come out.

She could just see Callen across the room and caught his eye. He nodded his head at her, immediately understanding what she needed.

"I think she has a sprained ankle. She wouldn't let anyone look at it but she was definitely limping this morning," Callen called over to them. "She must have slipped on something yesterday afternoon because she left pretty quickly after work. I asked her about it this morning but …"

The male paramedic pulled a small silver torch from his pocket, "ok Kensi. We'll finish checking you over here, then we'll have a look at your foot…"

"O… Ok,"

"I'm going to shine this torch into your eyes. I want you to follow the light without moving your head," Nick explained. "Ready?"

She gave him a weak nod.

Nick quickly flicked the light in and out of her eyes, noticing her wincing slightly at the brightness and noting it on her chart.

She did as he had asked but her movements were sluggish and obviously painful.

"That's all ok," he put the torch away. "You have very pretty eyes Kensi."

Kensi didn't have the strength to smile or reply. Instead she glanced over at Sam and immediately met his worried gaze. He was focused only on her, she was his only concern right now. He could deal with everything else later…

"Kensi,"

Lisa's voice broke Kensi out of her thoughts and she turned her attention back to the ambulance officer.

"If your pain was on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being little to no pain and 10 being the worst pain of your life, what would your pain level be right now?"

Now everyone in the room was staring expectantly at Kensi, waiting for her to answer. She opened her mouth to reply but Sam quickly butted in, "we need the truth Kens."

She shut her eyes, "it's about an 8… maybe a 9."

Callen dropped his head at her confession knowing it was bad when Kensi admitted to being in that much pain. Usually their tough as nails junior agent would never admit to weakness! Yet here she was clearly stating she was in a bad way for everyone to hear.

That must have been really hard for her to say, he realised.

"Ok we're going to give you something for that now," Nick swiftly pulled a vile of clear fluid out of his supplies bag and drew the liquid into another syringe before injecting it into Kensi's IV cannula.

Kensi moaned as the coolness of the liquid ran up her arm.

"You should start feeling better in a few minutes. It doesn't take long to work," said Lisa. "It might make you a little sleepy but that's normal and it won't actually put you to sleep, you'll just feel a little out of it for a while."

"We can't give you anything stronger until we get you to the hospital and the doctors have accessed your concussion," Nick clarified. "We're going to have a quick look at your foot now then we will take you to the hospital for x-rays and further tests."

He already had one of her boots off and was working on removing the second boot when she shrieked at the pain his touch caused. He glanced up in alarm and saw she had her head turned away from them, her eyes screwed shut.

"Ok, that's pretty sore there huh?"

She bit her lower lip and sucked in a breath, "Y…Yeah."

"Can I hold her hand now?" Sam asked Lisa gently. He was feeling so useless standing by watching while Kensi was hurting in front of him. The least he could do was comfort her.

"Of course," Lisa nodded and moved to help her partner.

Kensi reached a hand out towards Sam and buried her face in his shirt, sobbing quietly and hissing as the paramedics finished pulling off her sock. Her foot was still bandaged but it was already quite obvious this wasn't just a sprain.

"Ow," Kensi yelped when they lifted her ankle to unclip the bandage.

Sam held her close, rubbing her back and hiding her tears from the rest of the team. He knew she hated herself for showing pain in front of them, it was just who she was.

"Shhh Kens, it's ok. It's nearly over!" Sam whispered into her hair. "You're doing so well… I'm so proud of you Kensi!"

"We all are," Nell added quietly from the sidelines.

Eric nodded in agreement, "you're doing amazing Kensi!"

As soon as the bandage was fully removed everyone gasped. Her ankle was purple and very swollen. Nick gently felt around the bones and located the fracture at the base of her foot.

Kensi whimpered and growled at him as he slowly and very carefully poked around her ankle. He forced himself to ignore her, it was absolutely necessary that they locate any fractures or breaks so they could make sure it was protected from further damage on the way to the hospital.

Still he couldn't help but feel guilty about causing the young women pain.

He winced in sympathy as he confirmed the placement of the fracture, "It's fractured. We won't know how badly until we get to the hospital and she has x-rays but it doesn't look good… You're really in the wars at the moment aren't you kiddo?"

"Hurts," Kensi grunted as she tried to move her foot away from the paramedics. Nick held her leg in place and Lisa grabbed the supplies they'd need to treat the injury.

"I know it hurts honey," Nick tried to comfort the distressed agent. "But you're strong! You can do this, I know you can! From what I've seen so far, I'd say you're one hell of a tough cookie! I know you'll be back to fighting bad guys in no time!"

"He's right Kens," Callen called over to the group. "You are a hell of a fighter! You CAN do this!"

Kensi glanced at him briefly and saw he had tears falling from his eyes too. A quick look past him and she could just make out the trembling figure of her partner.

She sighed and turned back to Sam who wordlessly wrapped her back up in his arms and held her to his chest as the paramedics began working on her foot.

Kensi was shaking violently now, sobbing softly and holding onto Sam with as much strength as she could muster. She was starting to feel the effects of the pain drugs they'd given her and her vision was becoming somewhat blurry again.

Lisa placed an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, being careful not to put any pressure on Kensi's cheek, "this will help you breathe better honey."

Kensi just wanted all of this to be over, "ok."

Nick re-bandaged her ankle and stabilised her foot as best he could without causing Kensi too much discomfort. Once they'd finished that, Nick left Kensi in Lisa's care and he went out to retrieve the gurney from the ambulance.

Lisa knelt beside Sam and smiled lightly at Kensi who was now looking directly at her, deep in thought.

"A few more minutes and we'll have you on your way to hospital," Lisa gently stated. She could almost see Kensi's mind racing as the tired NCIS agent tried to fight the grogginess in her head. Suddenly Kensi was staring at her intently, a look of desperation crossing her pale face…

Kensi eyed the female paramedic carefully for a second, "I…. I can't leave n… now. N… not until someone has h… helped Deeks."

Lisa and Nick, who had just returned with the gurney, simultaneously threw a questioning look towards Sam and he immediately wiped a hand over his face in obvious frustration before he answered.

"Detective Deeks… Her partner," Sam sent a meaningful glance over to where Callen and Deeks were sitting. He peered past Callen and caught a pair of watery blue eyes looking back at him.

"Actually, he WAS her partner but …" Sam kept his gaze on Deeks as he spoke, seeing the younger man visibly finch with his next words… "He's not her partner anymore."

"Oh," Lisa nodded, turning back to her patient. "And ah, what's the problem with this Detective Deeks then, Kensi?"

"He… I…" Kensi tried to force her brain to work and form a sentence but it just wasn't happening. Instead she reached out to Sam again, successfully catching his attention. "Y… You have to m… Make sure he is ok!"

Sam narrowed his eyes at what she'd said, "You're kidding me? … Kens tell me you're not serious!"

She just looked at him and he knew she wasn't playing around. She was, in all honesty, worried about the man who had hit her. He could only shake his head at her in disapproval, not trusting his mouth to reply in fear he would say something he'd later regret.

He just couldn't get his head around why she was so worried about her low life partner who had hurt her so badly! He didn't understand it. He couldn't process it.

He was going to explode if he sat there any longer and he was determined not to swear in front of Kensi, she had enough to deal with. So, he calmly leant over and kissed her again on the forehead before backing away from her and leaving her with the paramedics.

When he walked past Callen and Deeks, he didn't acknowledge them, just kept going. He headed for the boatshed where he knew he would be alone and free to express his anger safely away from everyone in the Bullpen.

…

Kensi watched Sam leave and couldn't believe this was all happening.

All she wanted was Deeks there with her, holding her and reassuring her that everything was going to be ok, that they would work it out together… Like they always did!

But this time was different and deep down she knew it was over. He was never going to forgive himself for this. How could he?

Whether she liked it or not, she had to face the fact that they couldn't fix this and he wasn't going to come back to her. Not now. Not ever!

Sure, she could beg him to stay and tell him she didn't blame him for anything but that wasn't going to change anything in the end. It was already too late… It was already done…

That thought brought desperate tears to her eyes and her heart ached unbearably. She had lost her best friend, partner and the only man she had ever really loved. The one person who meant the most to her in the world!

Kensi felt the first of many tears slide down her cheek and couldn't help the sob that came after. She was hurting, physically and emotionally. She knew she would heal from the physical pain but loosing Deeks… that she knew she would never be able to fully overcome.

...