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I can't mate in captivity. Gloria Steinem

Yeti: Just what I always wanted! My own little bunny rabbit. I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him
Daffy Duck: I'm not a bunny rabbit
Yeti: And pat him and pet him...
Daffy Duck: You're hurting me. Put me down, please.
...and rub him and caress him and-
Daffy Duck: I AIN'T NO BUNNY RABBIT!

Old Bugs Bunny/Warner bros shtick, based on Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men.

Bella was lost in her mind. She felt aware of her surroundings, but it was like she couldn't quite get there. She was aware of a man hovering around her. Some surreal moments- was he carrying a shopping cart? She tried to talk when he touched her, but it was like her mind was trapped under something heavy. She thought wistfully of her dad, but then her mind wandered back to blank, like heavy cotton filling her mind, every thought an enormous effort. In this state, she trudged through the bathroom, and felt strong arms lift her up. She was placed in the back of Jake's van, and told to eat blueberries and drink Pepsi. Okay, this was bizarre. She had no choice but to do it, because it was as if her body housed a marionette, whose strings were pulled by this stranger. Mindlessly, she ate the berries and drank the whole can of Pepsi in without a break. She could sense that they were going very fast in the van, but did not wonder where they were going or who she was with. She felt no fear or trepidation. Time passed, and she drank three cans of Pepsi. She could feel the sugar and caffeine surging through her body, and the fog over her brain started to recede. She was bouncing around the back of the van- there were no seats. Were there no shocks on this piece of shit? She really needed a bathroom. She started to understand that she could not exercise her free will. She would have to wait for him to stop. She wondered if her voice worked. "Help," she whispered softly, trying out her voice. She wondered if she could fling the doors to the van open. Perhaps she could chuck the cans of Pepsi out the door to get someone's attention? Now she was really starting to come around and she made a herculean effort to become conscious of her surroundings. Had she been drugged? What was this feeling? She whispered, again, so softly, "help."

Suddenly, the van swerved onto the shoulder. There were no windows back there, but she could feel the surface beneath her shift from concrete to gravel. Suddenly the rear doors flew open. She saw the man, the same one she had been dimly aware of earlier. Before she could blink, he secured her in some kind of hold and was off like a rocket, running through a dense forest at top speed. Bella could hear a siren in the distance, and immediately thought of her father. The tension drained from her. Charlie would find her. She was sure of it. He would never let anything hurt her. She had complete faith in her dad, she knew that she was his whole life and that he would not hesitate to do whatever it took to retrieve her, and rescue her from whatever drugged kidnapping scheme her mind was currently dreaming up. She just had to survive intact, and eventually Charlie would come for her. She felt a little smug with this understanding. This man had no idea what he was up against. Charlie was the best shot in the state, and had a huge circle of friends in law enforcement, all armed and dangerous. Still, the man ran and ran at an impossible speed, trees whizzing by, and branches snapping insects buzzing. They must be in the national forest; this was not the park in Forks. After some period of time, the movement stopped and the man dropped Bella unceremoniously on her behind. She let out an "oof." She tilted her head and looked up at him. Was he seven feet tall? What the hell? She blinked up at him. No, probably he was tall, but seemed gigantic since she was on the ground. She struggled to stand up, trying to get her bearings. She stumbled and lunged right into him. It was like crashing into the wall, he did not even budge. He grabbed her by the shoulders and held her away from him, at his full arm's length. He leaned down and whispered "There is no help for you, Bella Swan. You belong to me now. You are mine, and I will make the decisions about where we go and what we do. Your job is to listen to everything I say and do your best to keep up." He was holding on to her so tight. They did not feel like hands on her shoulders, more like cold metal clamps, unmoving. He stared into her eyes. She immediately flinched and looked away, trying to find a far-off focal point. His eyes were a brilliant ruby red, swirling and hypnotic with large black pupils.

Bella refused to look at him. She instinctively knew that if she did, she would be lost again. She really wanted to figure out what was happening, not return to the drugged stupor. Clearly, this man was some sort of deranged demon, and he had somehow lured her with Jake's van and stolen her. She remembered seeing the van in the Costco parking lot, but not much after that. The tall man pulled her in to his chest, burying his nose on the top of her head and inhaling deeply. She shuddered. Creeeepy. Did he just sniff her? She tried to look back up at him, but the way he was holding her made that impossible. She said into his chest "um, who are you? And what are you?"

He chuckled into her hair, his warm breath down her neck. "My name is Edward. I am a vampire. I have searched for you for a hundred years, and you are mine to keep now." He stepped back and put his hand on her chin, and pulled her face toward his so he could look in her eyes. He blasted his vampire dazzle at Bella and said "You will obey me."

Bella squinched her eyes shut as tight as she could, refusing to look into his face. She started babbling "Um, no. Like no way. I don't fucking think so, Mr. Houdini or whoever you are. I am going to refuse to look at you until you tell me exactly what is going on here. You dragged me out here into this forest, you tell me you are a vampire, you have crazy red eyes and you can apparently drug me with a look. So I will keep my eyes closed until you let me ask you some questions. I'm feeling like eye contact is pretty crucial to whatever magic you have, so un-uh. No open eyes for me. No way. I can keep my eyes closed until the end, forever if I have to. A thousand years, a hundred miles, whatever it will take. I may be kidnapped right now, but I am still a person, and I have a right to know what you have in mind, and where we are headed, and what you will do with me and to me and how long you will keep me and about any girls you might have done this to before and if there will be a ransom demand and why you think my dad has any money, because he is a public servant not some kind of corporate dog with six bank accounts…"

Edward smiled happily. His little one, she was having a tantrum. How adorable she is! He said "Well, my doll face. If I want you to open your eyes, you will open them. You see, you are at my whim. I could kill you and everyone you love with a flick of my wrist. I could drain all your blood before your mind even had a chance to register that I bit you. Your life is in my hand; your future belongs to me. I want to keep you as long as I can, but if you defy me or become too much trouble, I will enjoy a long drink from you and then discard your body where no one will ever find it."

Bella squinched her eyes even tighter together. She had zero fear of death. She was 16 years old, and felt she was immortal. And speaking of immortal, this guy is a vampire! How fucking cool is that? Wait until Jessica and Lauren hears about this! A tall handsome vampire, with blood red eyes, as strong as ten men. Everyone would want to sit with her at lunch after this. She chirped up at him "Well, Edward. Do your worst. Drink me or whatever you were going to do. I'm ready as I'll ever be." She reached up and undid the first couple of buttons on her shirt, pulling it away from her neck and baring it to him. "Go for it, vampy. Try to keep it clean, though. I really don't like the sight of blood, and I don't want to pass out on you. After you drink, can we go home, though? I know my dad is super extra worried about me right now, and I hate that."

Edward was reeling from this little speech. Did this child have no survival instinct? What the hell? He would think she would either be quaking in fear or totally dazzled. He let her arms go, and she stumbled again. Clumsy, wasn't she? She still had her eyes shut tight. He said "Go ahead, little one. Ask me anything you want. And you can open your eyes. I will dial back so you can look at me without feeling dazed." He was trying to read her, to get some feel of the level of her fear, or what she might be planning to escape, but still nothing. This was worrisome, but since he was able to hypnotize her he was not so concerned about whatever brain glitch she had that he was having a hard time getting past. In fact, he kind of enjoyed the lack of images he got from her, it helped him feel relaxed. The relaxation combined with the still-surging venom that her proximity caused- well, it felt amazing. He could not remember ever feeling so content, even though he was in this predicament with his human. Edward reached down and circled her waist with his hands, letting his long fingers hang down onto her ass. He could feel her warmth through her clothes. She was so small! He had to lean down to rest his chin on top of her head. His long fingers circled her easily. He drifted off in reverie, thinking about how he was going to keep her with him all the time and make her his in every way. He was aware that she was talking to him, but he wasn't really listening, just enjoying her frail human body in his hands. He let his left hand drift up and brush against her chest. He pushed his hand into the open neck of her blouse. He could see everything with his height advantage. He pushed his fingers into her undergarment and let his hand cup her breast. He was aware that she was putting up some kind of struggle, but he did not actually care, so intent he was on getting the feel of her, getting a good idea of her. With his other hand, he circled her wrist with his hand, enjoying the way the small bones moved when he squeezed it. He then stroked her hair with his hand, trying to calm her struggle. He moved her head toward his, brushing her lips with his. Ah! She tasted divine, she smelled so sweet. He wondered how much time they had before the authorities would catch up with them. Did he have to wait to take her? Or could he risk it right here and now. He felt so alive, almost goofy and giddy as he caressed her warm breast with one hand and let the other one drift from her bottom to between her legs. AH! The heat of her. He removed his hand from her blouse and started fumbling with the button on her jeans. He did not listen as she ranted and raved and struggled, so focused was he on his task to get her clothes off and see what was so HOT under there. All the sudden, her hand flew up and smacked his face.

Bella screamed "Let go of me you fucking creeper! What the hell? What is this? I said you could bite me, not grope my tits. Who the fuck do you think you are, touching my ass? I said NO. No means no. I don't let anyone touch me, ever. I am not some nasty skank. What do you think? Have you no respect for the purity pledge? I pledged to my father, my future husband, and my creator that I will not engage in any sexual behavior at all. That means you need to keep your disgusting hands to yourself. You probably bruised my wrist, and you are squeezing me way to tight. Did you even notice that my feet aren't on the floor anymore? Put me down this minute, this instant, RIGHT NOW!" She was red-faced and furious, with tears threatening. Now she might be feeling some fear. It finally occurred to Bella that she might be in real trouble here. No, she did not fear death, but she definitely feared being forced to do something she didn't want to do, or being humiliated in any way. She was very careful socially, she was still a little embarrassed about her curvy, petite frame, and her thick frizzy hair. At school she was right on the cusp of being a total outcast geek, because of her reading addiction and her love of classical music, plus the fact that she spent most of her spare time hanging out at the gas station- she was at that place where she could sit with people at lunch, but it wouldn't occur to them to include her in their weekend plans or anything along those lines. She knew that if people thought she was kidnapped, that could be cool, but if she was assaulted, well then probably no one would be able to look her in the face and she would probably never get to experience the normal boy-girl stuff that she had been daydreaming about since she was 12. She had taken the "purity pledge" along with her friend Angela, who was the preacher's daughter, when she was 14. But she still would love to find a boyfriend, maybe at college. Disgusted with herself, she found she was shaking in terror while the vampire put his hands on her. She felt so helpless! And vulnerable! She had never really felt that way before. She suddenly understood that she could be in a truly serious situation. With pain and blood and stuff. And she felt her bladder let go, soaking her clothes straight through. Yuck.