A/N: Guys, thanks so much for your reviews :)

LuanRina - Your comments made me happy! Thanks a lot :)

Sonzai Taz - I think I can solve it in that way - Zero and Yuuki are smart kids and both have scholarships while Kaname doesn't need to worry about trivial things like money ;) Thanks for reading and commenting :)

Numy - About seme/uke thing – I prefer ukeish Zero (sorry to disappoint) but I don't mind when they switch sometimes so I think it will be K/Z with some Z/K in this story.

Thanks to Brookie cookie17 for betaing.

I'm not overly happy with this chap. My muse didn't want to cooperate much with me. For some reason it was so damn hard to write this part. Anyway, I tried my best. Please tell me what you think about this chapter. Constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks :)

Lavender tale

Part 3

It was late but Zero couldn't sleep. He tried but sleep apparently wasn't going to happen tonight. Perhaps, he had too many thoughts running through his mind.

Worrying, disturbing, and intrusive thoughts.

He looked at his brother sleeping soundlessly beside him. They turned twenty recently but they still slept in the same bed.

Zero loved his brother more than anything in the world and he knew Ichiru loved him as much in return. Ichiru was his only family left and Zero would do everything to keep him safe. They shared a strong bond but their relationship was complicated.

There were so many good things between them.

Zero smiled remembering how proud Ichiru was when Zero got a college scholarship. Zero wanted to become an ecologist. The twins' mother was one and their father was a forest ranger. It was in Zero's blood to love nature.

While Zero was busy with his study and work, Ichiru took care of most household chores. It wasn't plenty to do as their place was small, but still it was touching how his brother paid attention to even little things to make their apartment look nice and cozy.

When it comes to Zero, his main concern is Ichiru's health. Ichiru had a weak heart. He had to take the constant medicine every day. They could afford medications for Ichiru thanks to money that they inherited after their parents' death but the money was almost gone. As much as he could, Yagari also tried to help the twins. He wasn't rich himself but the boys could lean on him in difficult situations.

Ichiru's health condition in the past wasn't the worst but no long ago he had pneumonia and that time gave Zero a scare. Ichiru recovered but his heart suffered from it. The doctors said he needed heart transplantation. Ichiru wasn't at the stage yet where he needed to be in the hospital but his condition gradually worsened. If they found a suitable donated heart, Ichiru would live for many years as a healthy man. However it was a very expensive operation. Zero knew that even if he took a break from his studies now and found a full time job he wouldn't be able to afford it. He didn't have the necessary qualifications to get a well paying job. Zero thought before if he graduated from college and got a good job he would be able to take care of all Ichiru's medical expenses, he could pay for operation. He hoped he had more time...

Ichiru had worse days and better days. When he felt good enough he even did some small work in Yagari's restaurant. His mood also was better at that time; Ichiru was affectionate and kind to Zero. During the worse days, he usually lay in the bed, watched television or slept a lot. He felt tired and weak. His attitude towards Zero also changed. Zero knew that Ichiru was angry with him and it wasn't just effect of illness.

It all started with jealousy.

This jealousy arose from lack of attention to Ichiru from their parents. Maybe it wasn't exactly lack of attention as they cared about his frail health but undoubtedly they showed favouritism towards Zero. The older twin tried to make it up to Ichiru by showing him his support but it didn't solve the problem.

Ichiru expressed his anger through the words, seemingly innocent but there were thorns in these words because he did use equivocation in them. Ichiru loved mind games as much as his twin hated them.

Zero was always straightforward and short-tempered. When his brother provoked him, Zero immediately snapped, then Ichiru got upset and in the end Zero felt guilty and apologized. It was a vicious circle. Ichiru, to his credit, had the decency to apologize when he realized he went too far. However it didn't happen a lot. Usually, in these kinds of situations Ichiru was in denial and was saying with huge innocent eyes – 'No, that's not what I meant', 'You are oversensitive', 'I should have said nothing.' Finally Zero decided it would be for the best if he learned to create some distance to this before Ichiru completely drove him crazy. Besides, Zero feared that arguing with Ichiru would harm his twin's already weak heart.

When Zero thought it was bad enough, something else appeared in their relation. It started a couple of months ago. First Zero thought he was imagining things but no... Ichiru occasionally looked at him in different way - not a quite brotherly.

Zero was officially freaked out but he suspected that his brother wasn't aware of what he did. Zero hated these looks with passion but they made him realize how terribly lonely Ichiru was. Zero didn't think that his brother harbored special feelings for him. Besides, Zero knew that Ichiru preferred women.

Whenever Zero went out on a date, Ichiru looked at him with badly hidden mixture of envy and sadness in his eyes. It always made Zero guilty for leaving him. That's why Zero didn't date much.

It was one thing that Zero tried to change – their habit of sleeping in the same bed but Ichiru didn't take it well. He was used to sleeping with his brother, it made him feel safe and he felt hurt when Zero made this suggestion so Zero gave up on the idea.

Unfortunately one day when Yuuki was visiting them, Ichiru looked at him like that again. It was barely a glance. Maybe for someone unobservant it would pass unnoticeable but Yuuki easily picked up on the smallest nuances and subtleties.

Zero will most likely never forget how uncomfortable he felt then.

Yuuki gasped, her eyes wide with realization while Zero froze, wishing the floor would open up to swallow him whole.

"Guys," Ichiru looked at his wristwatch. "I promised to help Yagari a bit. I'll be back soon." He flashed them a brief smile and left, unaware of the tense atmosphere he created.

"Zero," Yuuki whispered.

"Everything is fine," he mumbled, knowing well how lame it sounded.

"Fine? This situation is not healthy. It looked like the two of you are in lov...," Yuuki blurted but Zero quickly interrupted her.

"Don't finish it!" he hissed, not really angry but ashamed with her insinuation.

Awkwardly, with almost an embarrassed manner, she pushed her dark hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry, that came out wrong," she managed, biting her lip.

"Well, I know how it looked," Zero relented.

Yuuki was silent for a moment. Zero wondered how badly she took it but her reaction surprised him.

She cupped his face gently between her hands. Her expression was empathetic.

"He is a grown man. He's longing for this kind of closeness you can't provide him but you are the only close person in his life. You are his whole world Zero" she noted quietly.

"I know that. It's like the two of us are living on a desert island," Zero admitted reluctantly.

"Not you. It's just his reality," Yuuki disagreed.

"In a sense, mine too," he rectified.

Zero might have things in his life apart from Ichiru but they were like an addition. Zero's life practically revolved around his twin. And Ichiru was always saying that he didn't need anyone in his life except Zero. He tolerated Yuuki, Yagari and Kaito but nobody else.

"You are always choosing men who you can't really be with," Yuuki said suddenly, seemingly irrelevantly.

"What are you talking about?" Zero frowned.

"You have a pattern of attracting wrong men. All your men... well, your relationships with them never were serious or lasted for so long. There were always some obstacles."

"All my men? Gee, thanks a lot Yuuki! You make it sound like I'm a slut!" Zero commented dryly.

"Come on, I'm not saying you are sleeping around," Yuuki rolled her eyes."I know there were three guys in your life, none of them worth remembering. Well, with the exception of Kaito, but you said it yourself that he's rather your friend than boyfriend."

"Aren't you the smart one?" he said it teasingly. "Maybe your real calling is a psychologist, not an art conservator?"

"Art is my life and you don't change the subject," she pouted.

"Why not? You are wrong about my relationships. It's just life, stuff happens. You'll understand it when you finally start dating!" Zero knew it was a low blow but the whole conversation made him uneasy and Yuuki was pushing too much. However seeing her reddened face he felt guilty.

"I will start dating when I meet the right guy!" she snapped.

"And he better be good to you," Zero said quickly trying to make it up to her.

Her lips twitched as she fought back a smile but he could see her face lit up.

"About Ichiru... I might have an idea how to deal with him," she mused, her brows knitting in concern.

"What idea?" Zero probed carefully.

"Let me think about it more, okay?" Yuuki smiled reassuringly.

"Thank you for... you know, not freaking to out much," he said awkwardly.

"It's not yours or Ichiru's fault. I blame it on the circumstances. It must be difficult for you," she stated seriously.

"Yeah, well... let me know if you figure out something," he tried to sound casual but for the first time in his life he felt strangely vulnerable in her presence.

This conversation with Yuuki was still livid in his mind. Zero knew she wanted to help him but a small part of him was angry with her. He felt like she stripped him of his deepest secrets. It wasn't exactly like that but feelings are not rational.

However, their confrontation finally forced him to face the situation he was in.

Zero was thinking about all his men.

Yuuki was wrong saying that they weren't worth remembering. She just didn't know them well.

Zero lost his virginity when he was seventeen years old to his attractive classmate, Light. They liked each other, they had great sex but their relationship never evolved into something deeper. After graduating from high school Light left to study in England. At first they even were sending emails to each other but soon they lost contact.

Some time later Zero met Ryuzaki, who one day appeared in Yagari's restaurant and became a regular client for a few months. Ryuzaki said he was a computer programmer and he worked temporarily in their town. Ryuzaki was twenty five years old, eccentric, and passionate in bed. He was also secretive about his private life which was fine with Zero. Their affair lasted a couple of months, till Ryuzaki's departure.

There weren't romantic relationships based on love but these experiences were good. Zero will always remember Ryuzaki's unique personality and Light's alluring charm.

And then Kaito, a good friend of Zero's became his lover. Kaito understood that Ichiru needed Zero's special attention and never complained when Zero cancelled their dates or simply didn't have the time to meet him. Besides, they worked together so they saw each other fairly often. The problem was Zero didn't harbor deeper feelings for Kaito. In the beginning of their relationship Zero really tried to make it work but he just couldn't completely get involved. Kaito wanted for them to be something more than just fuck buddies but he never openly talked about it and Zero pretended he didn't know what the other man felt. It made him feel guilty as if he was using Kaito so he decided to end it. The conversation between them was awkward. Zero muttered in apologizing voice how he valued their friendship but he couldn't be something more than friends with him. Kaito grimly responded 'fine, if that what you what.' Zero feared that Kaito would hate him but luckily he was wrong; they managed to stay friends.

"You are always choosing men who you can't really be with," Yuuki's words echoed in his mind.

And she was right about it. He didn't fully realize it before, but that knowledge was always somewhere in the back of his mind, dominated by other thoughts.

The truth was Zero could only be in pseudo relationships. Kaito was a convenient boyfriend. Light and Ryuzaki didn't require a commitment from him, and vice versa.

Sometimes Zero had a feeling that Ryuzaki looked at him and saw someone else. It would be unnerving if Zero really cared. The same was with Light. Light's mind was at times somewhere else; a strange mysteriousness lurking in his amber eyes. It never bothered Zero because he was like them. His mind and heart were also often somewhere else... they were with Ichiru.

Zero was afraid of losing Ichiru more than anything else. He didn't show any weakness in front of his brother but during the late evenings, when they lay together in bed and Ichiru fell asleep Zero let his mask slip.

Consumed with fear in these moments, Zero didn't remember Ichiru's jealously and these looks, letting his irrational side take over his mind as he whispered brokenly in the dark –"please don't leave me, I love you... "

Usually the next day he woke up with clear head and more rational approach to their situation.

It was tiring, this endless roller coaster of changing emotions.

Recently Zero often escaped from the reality into his imaginary world. He created in his mind a perfect scenario where Ichiru was healthy, met a girl, and he was happy. He didn't look at Zero like that and his bitter part disappeared as he wasn't jealous of Zero anymore. He had his own satisfied life.

However, Zero's feelings were conflicted.

Zero wanted Ichiru to be healthy but the other things... As much as Zero wanted Ichiru to be happy, the thought of them being separated, not being as close as they were terrified him. He was so deep in what they were to each other that even though their relationship balanced on... what Yuuki intended to say, part of him was afraid of losing their complicated closeness.

How messed up is that?

'No,' he reprimanded himself. 'I shouldn't think like that.'

Zero sighed and looked through the window. As the night bled into an early dawn finally he felt sleepy. He settled himself more comfortably on the bed but suddenly his thoughts wandered to Kaname Kuran.

Strangely, after the initial shock of hearing Kuran's proposition Zero took it pretty well. Maybe due to his current problems, when Kuran treated him like a sex object it didn't affect him much. Besides, Kuran was a rich man and if Zero played his role well he would "earn" money for Ichiru's operation. If he could save Ichiru's life, nothing else mattered.

'I'll call Kuran today,' Zero decided and it was his last thought before he drifted into sleep.

Ok, so I tried to give some insight into Zero and Ichiru relationship. I hope it wasn't too boring. Kaname will be in the next part, I promise! About Light and Ryuzaki, yes, I "borrowed" them from Death Note but it won't be a crossover fic. I just needed two guys as Zero's ex lovers ;)