Disclaimer: Once again, I own nothing.

Author's note: FYI - this is slightly AU. In my world, John and Teyla are together and (as of yet) there is no baby. Also, just in case its not clear, the chapter flips back and forth between Jen and Ronon's POV. Sorry if this gets confusing!

Chapter 3

Jen sat quietly in her office reliving the conversation with Rodney in the mess hall, feeling her face flush with embarrassment that it had all been so public. She had known there had been something off with her and Rodney for weeks now, if she was honest with herself she wasn't sure it was every truly right. She cared for him but she wasn't entirely sure she was in love with him. Her heart didn't race when he came into the room, he couldn't make blush or stutter … not like…

No, she wasn't going to go there. He was with Amelia, he was happy. Amelia was strong, she was a fighter, she could keep up with Ronon where Jen floundered. It was for the best she told herself for what felt like the thousandth time.

A loud crash shook her out of her thoughts as she rushed into the infirmary. Seeing that one of the nurses had just knocked over a box of medical equipment which had recently arrived on the Daedalus, she relaxed.

"Are you alright Dr Keller?" Marie asked, noticing Jen standing aimlessly in the middle of the room.

"What… yeah, I'm ok. I just… I'll be back in a few minutes ok? Just need to some fresh air."

"No problem Doc. We'll page you if anything happens.

"Thanks"

Jen wandered out the main infirmary doors and down one of the hallways to the right. Just at the end there was a small balcony which overlooked most of the west side of the city. Evening was coming on and it was Jennifer's favourite place to watch the sunset. It was where she went for peace and quiet when things in the infirmary got too much, when the expectation being CMO and saving people's lives took its toll on her.

Crouching down in a defensive start position, Ronon and John circled one another, seemly intent on the battle of wits they were commencing.

Thwap, thwap, thwap.

The bantos rods knocked against each other with speed and agility as Ronon and Sheppard circled each other on the mat. Charging at Sheppard, Ronon pour his frustration into the fight, his disappointment over how things ended with Amelia, his questions about Jennifer… his concern for her wellbeing.

Distracted by this thoughts, Ronon was surprised to feel the sharp sting of the staff on his thigh. Jerking back, he shook his head, trying to push his thoughts aside.

"What's up buddy? You seem distracted?" Sheppard asked, arching the staff in his direction again, this time aiming for this shoulder.

Blocking the attack, Ronon grunted. "Nothing"

"I don't believe that for a second buddy. Something's up. Tell me about it. It'll make you feel better, I promise"

"No", he said, landing a blow on Sheppard's arm. Swinging low, Sheppard promptly took Ronon's legs out of from under him. Landing on his back, Ronon waited as Sheppard held out his hand to help him get up. "I don't believe you."

"Well tough"

Getting up to swing again, John was having an increasingly hard time keeping up. Ronon was stepping up his game, pouring whatever pain and angst he was feeling into the fight. A Satedan warrior in full fight mode was an awesome foe, more so when he was emotionally imbalanced and possibly unable to stop himself from lashing out and actually hurting someone.

Desperate to distract him, and to save his own ass from the ongoing assault, Sheppard asked the one question which had been on his mind for a while, since Todd the Wraith's assault on the Daedalus to be exact, and which he was fairly sure would stop Ronon in his tracks.

"What wrong with you and the Doc lately? You two are barely speaking."

Halting his assault abruptly, Ronon doesn't even see that John's swing was still coming, landing sharply on his shoulder, just beyond his shirt, splitting the skin for several centimetres. He watches, still in shock as it wells with blood, which runs down his arm and splatters onto the training mat.

"Jennifer… are you alright?" Teyla called out, entering Jennifer's office only to find it unoccupied. 'Where would she go?' An old memory stirring, Teyla remembered a little balcony off one of the corridors down the hall from the infirmary. It was very small and always unoccupied. She had found Jennifer there once before, when she had fled from Ronon's anguished cries as he detoxed from the Wraith enzyme.

Walking slowly along the corridors to the balcony, Teyla could hear her quiet sniffling, her Athosian heart beating in tune with a friend who was clearly in pain.

Emerging onto the balcony, Teyla couldn't immediately see Jennifer who was curled up into herself sobbing on a bench in the corner. Spotting her friend, Teyla sat next to her quietly, causing Jennifer to start when she felt a comforting hand on her knee.

"Jennifer… do you wish to speak about it?"

"I… I…" she stuttered. "I'm just so humiliated."

"Whatever for… you have done nothing to cause yourself embarrassment. If anything it should be Rodney who feels embarrassed."

"It was all just so public. I never wanted it to be like that."

"But you did want to stop seeing Rodney?"

"No. Yes. Damn it, I don't know," hiccupping, Jennifer wiped her tear strewn cheeks and took a deep cleansing breath. She needed to explain this to someone, she needed to work out what exactly she felt and she trusted Teyla more than almost anyone else with the secrets of her heart.

"I don't know if I wanted to split up with Rodney. I know that something was wrong in our relationship, more so lately but its never been right. Lately, there just seemed to be this hole growing between us and the more I tried to bridge it the worse it became. And I got more and more frustrated and angry because he just never seemed to notice that it was there, or I guess he didn't think it was a problem. I just… assumed that when I picked him that it was the best choice, that we had more in common and could build a more stable future together. He was safe, easy, a good man whom I could love, even if I wasn't in love with him."

Thinking silently for a moment, contemplating her next words, she went on, "when Rodney decided to pick his work over me… again I was disappointed. But when he was staying behind to see that other woman, I wasn't just disappointed, I was angry. I gave up someone special to be with him and now I can't help but think that maybe I didn't make the right choice. I care for Rodney and I know that somewhere deep down he cares for me. I just wonder… is that enough? Without the passion, is that enough?"

Teyla knew that Jen was conflicted and that she had to tread carefully, knowing that the other man whom Jen spoke of was Ronon. Jennifer had to make her own choice in the matter and she was at a loss for how to help.

"Jennifer, I think deep down you know the right decision. Love and passion are similar and yet very different things. And what you want from your life and what you are willing to settle for, are two questions only you can answer. What I know is that, in my life I have been blessed to be loved by two good men. With one I have a strong history, family and personal ties which go back generations. I care for him deeply. But the other man, with him there is also love, but there is passion. When we are together, I know that there is no one else who I would rather be with. But when we are not, the call of the familiar can be an appealing one. I made my choice nearly four years ago when I chose to stay on Atlantis. The choice you make now will be no less difficult but it is yours alone to make."

Silently, Ronon walked over to the wall to get a drink and to try and clean off the blood from his shoulder. He contemplating confiding in John and asking him about the mess with Amelia and Jen. Turning he asked, "what happened in the mess with the Doc today?"

"Oh that? Well, she and Rodney have split up it seems. About bloody time too, anybody with eyes could tell it wasn't working."

"What did he do?"

"He was Rodney, Ronon. He got wrapped up in his work and ignored her for weeks at a time. The Doc's a great woman, very understanding but that gets old. And I don't think it helped that he was spending so much time with that new head of botony. He swears its just research but he doesn't look at her like that's all it is."

"Oh."

"Why bring this up now buddy? You still got a torch in there for the Doc? 'Cause I thought you and Amelia were doing ok?" Concerned, Sheppard sat quietly next to Ronon and waited for an answer. If Ronon did still have feelings for the Doc that would explain a lot, why he had been particularly quiet lately, why he had seemly stopped getting injured during training, why Ronon had gotten a lot more short tempered with McKay.

"Amelia and I, we decided to end things… well, she decided to end things."

"Because of what happened in the mess?" Sheppard asked, confused.

"No, at least I don't think so. She asked me if I loved her, like I… like the Doc."

"Oh, well do you?"

After a long pause, Ronon answered. "No, I don't love Amelia. I like her, we have fun but no, I don't love her."

"But you do love the Doc?"

"Yeah"

"Wow"

"Yeah"

"So what are you going to do?" Sheppard asked.

"I don't know. She and Rodney just split up and I don't know how she feels about me. We haven't exactly been speaking recently, like you said."

"Well I think to start, you need to go to the infirmary and get that cut looked at. Don't argue. The bleeding hasn't stopped and it looks like it needs a couple of stitches. You can decide what to do about the Doc later."

"I thought I had made my choice, I thought that I had resolved that issue. But now its back and I don't know what to do, I keep second guessing myself."

"It's ok to admit you made the wrong choice. But Jennifer, please be sure this time. I know Ronon seems strong, but he has lost so much. I know he cares for you but I would hate to see his hopes raised and then dashed again."

"I… Thank you Teyla, for listening and for the advice. But I think you have it wrong. Ronon doesn't feel that way about me, at least not anymore. He is happy with Amelia and I have no intention of walking back into his life or hurting him."

"I know you don't intend to hurt him. But I think that you have the wrong impression of his relationship with Amelia. They are together, yes, but it is not a union of passion or love, at least not on his part. He still feels quite strongly for you, I am sure of it."

"I'm sorry Teyla, but I know you're wrong. It was hard enough to believe a man like Ronon could ever look at me like that but, to think he would continue to hold a torch for someone like me, its preposterous."

"What makes you so sure of that? Why do you doubt yourself so?"

"I… I just know" she said weakly, unable to properly explain how inferior she felt, how vulnerable she was on Atlantis, how she struggled with the complex web of social relationships, the constant need to be on guard and the ever present dangers presented by the Pegasus Galaxy. "I'm not strong or confident or beautiful like you. I can't keep up with him or fight by his side. I can barely go off world without reeking havoc on the universe."

"Now you are simply talking nonsense." Teyla said firmly. "You are a strong woman who has survived out here where most people would have begged to be taken back to Earth at the first opportunity. Don't sell yourself short. And don't sell Ronon short either, he sees your strength, even when you don't."

Getting up to leave, Teyla offered one final thought, "if you love him, tell him. Not saying the words was the hardest thing I did for many years. But when I finally said them, it was like the truth was giving me wings. I was free and at peace in a way I had not even imagined was possible. Whatever the answer, just be honest."

As Teyla reached the doorway, Jennifer asked quietly, "the man you spoke of, the second one, its John isn't it?"

"Yes" she answered softly, leaving Jennifer to her thoughts.

Author's note: Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed. Was really encouraging and definately helped me get this next chapter our which was a bit more difficult to write. I actually have the end of this story written already, am just trying to work out how best to get there! Am hoping to have another addition up in a few days. As always, please review!