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Chapter 2
To Whomever This May Concern
11 Earth Days from Diagnosis
Dear God,
Why this? Why now? Why me?
What did I do wrong?
"Goddammit Kaidan. Die on me and I'll kick your ass."
Ugly, alien bruises dusted across his pale skin, giving him a grotesquely ill complexion. His right arm was twisted in an unnatural position, hovering somewhere between a full-out break and a fracture. The hairline cracks on the royal-blue plates were the only other revelatory signs of the true extent of the damage behind his hard suit: broken ribs, injured spine, cracked skull, those were just to name a few. They couldn't move him in fear of making anything worse. She could feel Liara's warm, firm hand on her shoulder, but it did not stop her throat from constricting painfully as she took note of his weak, almost undetectable pulse and his labored, shallow breathing.
When she first saw him back in Vancouver she was struck by how much stronger, bigger, more powerful he looked. Clad in Alliance dress blues, he was the epitome of perfection gone right. It made her bitter, angry even. The past few months had been nothing short of Hell for her. After Horizon, it felt like she was being slowly torn into pieces, one by one. Contrary to what most might think, the Commander was not one to bend rules of fraternization for just about anyone, Kaidan was special. And it killed her to know that he didn't feel the same.
But as per usual, the whole Saviour-of-the-Galaxy routine proved to be an amazing distraction from the pain, providing the relief that she so badly needed from her own destructive thoughts and aside from that one rare, weak moment before hitting the Omega 4 relay, she maintained steadfast and headstrong. She was the Commander Shepard that the Galaxy needed, but her work was not a cure, it only numbed the symptoms. Inside, she wanted to weep for all she was worth, and the doctor's diagnosis had been the last straw.
She was wilting; a hero past her prime, and the bastard had the nerve to look so good.
It burnt her with jealousy… And desire.
She had exclaimed in surprise, and even a little hurt, to hear about his promotion. She had saved all their sorry souls from being turned into icky gooey pulp, and all she got in return was getting her ass grounded. And then there he was, moving on so swiftly with life while she was still tormented by the memories. Her scalding reply was out of her mouth before she could stop it and she almost felt bad at the flash of pain that shone through his chocolate brown eyes, almost. And then she remembered that the asshole deserved that, if not more.
Fucking prick.
But now, with all hints of strength swept away by the limpness in his body, she couldn't have felt worse. Now, she was willing to do anything to keep him alive.
"Kaidan needs medical attention." The soft, urgent voice of one of her dearest friends broke her out of her thoughts. A little disorientated, the Asari's face quickly came into focus, concerned cerulean eyes staring into her own. "We have to leave the Sol system."
Her words made little sense to a mind that was only filled with images of Kaidan's broken and battered body. Liara used to be an enigma; uncertainty on whether to condemn the doctor for giving her body to Cerberus, or to be thankful for being the sole reason she was still alive and not in the collectors' repulsive hands used to plague her, but life threatening situations, such as the do-or-die moment against the late Shadow Broker, had a way of patching unstable relationships. Now, she trusted the Asari with more than her life.
Liara… Liara made sense, Liara was right.
"Get us to the Citadel, Joker." She was afraid that her fear would show in her voice, but it came out stronger than she had expected. Sometimes… Even she was unsure how she did it, how she pulled through, how she maintained this whole facade. Turning to the Major she gripped onto his arm so hard her knuckles turned white.
"Hold on Kaidan."
"Is this what they did to you?"
She would be lying if she said that she didn't see that question coming. She had noted the horrified, disgusted look on his face the moment the mask flipped to reveal a deformed, mutilated face. How could she forget? After all, she had been subjected to the same look back on Horizon when Garrus confirmed his suspicions of them joining Cerberus. But it didn't make it any better to actually hear it coming out of his mouth.
His mouth, the same mouth she had spent many sleepless nights wrestling covers trying to forget. The same mouth that was able to draw an innumerable amount of sighs and moans of pleasure on that one sinful night before Ilos. The same mouth that, at this very moment, she so badly wanted to feel beneath her titanium padded fists.
The anger, frustration and surprisingly enough, hatred ripped from her throat. "How can you compare me, to him?"
She hated him for being so blind; she hated him for not having any faith in her. Why could he not understand that she had no choice? How could he even think that she might have forgotten what Cerberus did to Admiral Kohaku, or on Akuze? How could he have claimed to love her, and not believe her? How?
She hated him for not being there for her when she needed him the most, for being so unfair.
Worst of all, she hated herself for still needing him, even after all he had done.
"I just want to know… Is the person I followed to Hell and back, the person that I loved… Are you still in there, somewhere?"
She wanted to snap at him, telling him that he did not know Hell if he didn't know what it was like to have a countdown to your death looming over your head. But the Commander had always been an expert in reading people, be it voices, body language or just by knowing something about them. It was an uncanny ability that she wielded purposefully, that she prided herself for having. More often than not, she found that she was able to manipulate words in such a way that she could diffuse even the most tense of situations.
Maybe that was why… Despite her anger and her frustrations, she had sensed the guilt; heard the fear and sadness in his voice. And all of a sudden, she was back on the original Normandy, listening to his soft, confessional words about Rahna and Brain Camp, wanting nothing more than to soothe his insecurities and hurt. She was struck by how much she wanted him to believe her, how much she needed him to. The playful, flirtatious words were out of her mouth before she even thought them through, falling into the same banter they used to exchange even before Ilos as though nothing had changed.
It was easy to pretend- especially since his chuckles still sent shivers down her spine.
Having Kaidan by her side was a luxury that she took for granted, one that could not have become more prominent than the fights on Mars. He had grown by leaps and bounds, both in physical strength and biotic ability. His improvement had initially surprised her, setting her off-balanced as she reached to pick up the slack that he did not end up dropping. Liara, Kaidan and herself worked like a well-oiled machine, their teamwork not hampered in the slightest by their lack of time together. The only other people she felt that in sync with were probably Tali and Garrus. It was a fortunate thing, considering the fact that they were heavily outnumbered and out-geared by Cerberus troops, to have not only have succeeded in completing their mission, but also escaping with their bodies intact.
With the exception of the unconscious soldier in front of her.
A faint clank of metal hitting metal drew her out of her reverie. It seemed like Cerberus never failed to surpass her expectations: not only did they manage to create a fully functional AI, they even managed to plant it within Alliance officials. Shepard was beginning to wonder about the true length of the Illusive Man's reach and resources. How could a single man be so damn powerful? Again, the inadequacy of the Alliance and the Council couldn't have been more clear. It was Hitler and the Holocaust on repeat; they could have crushed Cerberus completely had they acted from the very beginning. Except, like always, the brass dragged their feet, and now while they were at the brink of extinction, they have to not only concentrate on fighting the Reapers, but Cerberus as well, who has proven to be a more-than-formidable foe. Turning her head towards the sound she measured the dead mech steadily. She did not feel any real hatred for the inanimate object, but it didn't change the fact that she wanted to toss the thing out the airlock. But they needed it, or more accurately, needed the data that it stole from them.
Damn that Illusive Man. He was always finding ways to make her life difficult wasn't he?
"See what you and EDI can learn from that thing." She finally said, gesturing towards the battered scrap of metal.
Liara stared at her for a moment, worry clear in the creased lines on her beautiful face, before complying. Breathing in deeply to calm her frazzled nerves the Commander brushed her fingers gently over Kaidan's blue amor plate, finding little solace in the rise and fall of his chest.
Whatever thoughts her overworked brain was cooking up were immediately dashed at EDI's pleasant voice filtering through the com-link. "-I believe it's Admiral Hackett."
Allowing herself a fraction of a second to compose herself, she turned swiftly and jogged out of the room. Now was not the time for second guesses or contemplation, now was not the time for broken hearts or monologues, now was not the time for pleads or apologies.
Steeling her heart, she could almost feel the physical change from Shepard the dying, to Shepard the Commander, War Hero, Saviour. By the time she reached the comm room her mask was firmly in place and she was a different person.
Now was the time for her to do what she did best.
Now was the time for war.
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Sorry for the late update guys. It's been a really busy week. It is almost 4am in the morning so I'm going to just upload this and go to sleep. I told myself I would get a chapter done so hear it is. I will need to do more tweaking and checking tomorrow. But for now, this will do.
Thank you Helljumper 1337 and red lilies for reviewing. I'm glad you're intrigued enough with the first two parts that you are willing to read on.
Of course, thank you all other readers, subscribers and favouriters. =] Do let me know what you think. I forever am looking forward to hearing your opinions and thoughts on my writing. Compliments and criticisms are equally welcomed. =D
I will try to update my FR fic tomorrow, or day after, hopefully.
Stay tuned!
xx
Fee
ps. Changed a little bit of the timeline from the previous chapter.