Ugh.
My life is soooooooo boring right now. I swear, every time I tell you guys about my lives, nothing is going on. Yet when I'm not doing it, something amazingly epic is going on!
[Maybe we should go out and, oh I don't know, do something?]
{Nah, that would be too much work.}
"Yeah, you're right." I scratch my chin, thinking of a solution to our little problem. "Hey, wanna annoy Logan?"
{Sure!}
[How about we don't? After all, he's still pissed at us for using the Blackbird.]
"Well, how was I supposed to know it would crash?"
[You were flying it?]
"What's your point?"
[My point is to not annoy Logan! Sure, he can't kill us, but those claws of his hurt like a bitch.]
{Yeah. We're still sewing up our body.}
I look down to see my body slowly start to split in half. I quickly put it back together, using staples. "More like stapling our body." I put the last of the staples in, and throw it across the room, breaking a vase and causing a cat to hiss. I raise an eyebrow. "Hey, do we have a cat?"
[No.]
"Must be a stock sound effect." I get off my chair, and walk towards my messy room. I should probably clean this place up sometime. Nah, too much work.
I plop down on my computer surfing the intertube. Ah, midget on dolphin porn. My favorite.
[It just occurred to me that we have a sick mind.]
I look at the white voice box, and say, "What's your point?"
[No point, just stating the obvious.]
"Ah. Well, there seems to be no good midget-on-dolphin porn right now. Should we watch some reruns?"
{Maybe we can see if any nerds have drawn Rouge naked!}
"It's the internet. Of course there's delicious Rouge porn. Maybe they did Domino and Psylocke too."
[Like you said, it's the internet. They have.]
"True." I scroll through, when I get an alert on my iPhone 5, in stores now. I look at the message, and my eyes go wide. Here's the message in full:
omg dedpol we shold toats beat together!111! txt me ltr.
hotty
Who the hell is Hotty?
[Wait.]
"What?"
[Isn't Hotty that sixteen year old we killed a few months back?]
{No way. She's calling us hotty!}
"I don't know, Yellow. This could just be a trap." I get a new message.
why u no txt back!1111! im going tokill myself now!111!
What the fuck?
I hear a knock on the door. "Must be the pizza."
[It's been more than thirty minutes. Guess it's free.]
Awesometacular.
I open the door to reveal a very familiar figure.
That Hotty Humpsalot person.
Before she says anything, I slam the door in my face, dial some numbers, and wait.
SpinoGuy: What do you want, Deadpool?
"SPINO!"
SG: What?!
"YOU TOLD HER MY ADDRESS?!"
SG: Told who?
"Hotty!"
SG: You can stop screaming now.
"Right. But how did Hotty get my address?"
SG: How am I suppose to know?
"You're the writer?"
SG: Not this time.
He quickly hangs up, leaving me fuming. I slam the phone to the ground, shattering it. Damnit. That's the fifth phone this month. Anyway, another knock on my door reminds me of the frightening reality that awaits me.
I open the door, to which Hotty is standing there with the most pathetic sad face I've ever seen. She says, "Wadey-poo, why haven't you texted me back?"
I glare at the woman, the red in my masked eyes evident. She doesn't seem to notice it, however. Pity. I ignore her question with a question of my own.
"How the fuck are you not dead?"
She tilts her had, a patch of her blonde hair covering her right eye. Or was it red? I have no idea, Spino didn't leave enough of the notes, or seems to give a shit. "What are you talking about, my love?"
"First of all, I'm not your 'love.' Second of all, I shot you through the face. As far as I can tell, you shouldn't be able to survive that. So what gives?"
"Oh, silly," she says, all innocent and childlike. "I have a healing factor just like you. We were in the Weapon X program together."
I stare at her blankly, and slowly start tilting my head to the left. I then ask, "What the fuck are you talking about? The Weapon X program was ten years ago. You were only, what, six? How is that possible."
She chuckled, and said, very disgustingly, "Oh, I've been sixteen since then. They stopped my aging. That was where you and I fell in love."
"Let me guess," I ask, "it was love at first-."
"IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!" she screams. I have to cover my ears from the pain. "It was also my first kiss."
I shake my head. "I never remember kissing you. I remember shooting you, but not kissing you."
{Short term memory loss?}
[We don't have short term memory loss. We do, however, choose to ignore things. But kissing a female is something we never forget.]
She says, "See, White agrees with me."
Wait, what? "How can you hear the voices in my head?"
"We have a psychic connection, Wade."
"STOP CALLING ME WADE!" I'm just about to slam the door in her face, but she teleports in... somehow. Seriously, she's just making these powers up as she goes along, I swear.
I spin around, and she's critiquing my apartment. "If I'm going to move in, you're going to need to clean up."
I... I get an idea. "Yeah, how about 'No'? I like my house the way it is. Except maybe the bathroom."
"Then get to it."
I facepalm, and say, "I'm not cleaning my damn house for you, you crazy bitch!"
She clicks her tounge. "Well, I guess I can live with it."
"You are not living here!"
I grab her arm, dragging her out to the door.
"Owie, Wade."
I have a question. Why is it spelt like 'Owie?'
"You're hurting me, love."
I look down at her, she is after all, quite a bit shorter than me. That sad puppy dog look is almost enough to make me not throw her out.
"Good."
I toss her out the door, with her land on her face, with her generous ass facing to the sky.
I clap my hands, whipping imaginary dust from them. I say, "Welp, that takes care of that problem."
[Good, she was getting annoying.]
{Hey, let's spam the internet for perverts.}
"Sure, it's not like we have any jobs right now." I walk into my room/porn palace.
I immediately stop in my tracks when I see one Hotty Humpsalot laying on my bed, reading a book. I blink, look at the door, and look back. Right, teleportation.
She looks up at me, and asks, "Where have you been, honey? You were suppose to be back at four."
I look over to the block, which reads "11:00 AM." Either I'm super early, or super late. Either way, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!"
She puts her finger to her lips, and says, "Shhh, you'll wake the neighbors."
"It's eleven in the morning. There are no neighbors to wake up."
"How about you just get in bed, and we can talk it out, Wade."
That was it. I take out a shotgun from my trusty pocket dimension, and shoot her in the face. However, I realize the safety is not only on, but it's empty. Fucking pocket dimension. I put it back, and ask, "What will it take to get rid of you?"
She asks, "Why on Earth would you want to get rid of me?"
I start to list off the reasons including, but are not limited to, "You are repulsive, I hate your guts, you are annoying, and I want you out of my life!"
She cries. Cries. I give up. She says, "Is that anyway to treat the mother of your future child?"
Wait, she's pregnant? Spino, is she pregnant.
SG: From my notes, and the fact this takes place only a week after the last one, no. She is not.
Good. "No, you're not. I can still see ribs."
She stops crying, and says, "Alright fine. Just please come to bed."
I sigh, and say, "Okay."
I jump into bed, and then she wraps her arm around me.
Then I use a sword to cut her head off. It has no safety and require no ammo. Her head flops to the floor, and then rolls away. Her body, on the other hand, is completely untouched. No blood anywhere. Hell, her wound isn't even bleeding. Must've been cauterized.
An idea starts to form.
[Wait, we're not going to-]
Splash!
I clap my hands once again as her body and head float down the river.
[Whew, I thought we were going to go necrophiliac.]
"What? No, I'm not that sick. Besides, I like blowjobs. It's just not the same with a dead head."
{Hehe, that rhymes.}
After the deed has been done of pissing on her corpse, I walk back towards my apartment.
There are happy endings after all.
Deadpool, out.