This kind of came in to my head while I was listening to Leave A Light On by Tom Walker (which you should check out if you've not listened to!) so I thought I'd give it a try and see what I ended up with.
Leave a Light On
The second someone mentioned you were all alone
I could feel the trouble coursing through your veins
Now I know, it's got a hold
P.T. rubbed at his face, he was beyond tired. He'd felt okay during the show, but when he'd sat down at his desk afterwards it had hit him like a tonne of bricks. Two weeks of running around trying to do what felt like a hundred things at worse, while pretending he'd agreed to let Phillip have the time off, had finally caught up with him. His eyes wandered over to the empty desk in the office they shared. His friends red ringmaster coat still draped across the back of the chair where Phillip had left it when he'd walked out.
It had all happened so quickly, but if he was being honest he probably should've seen it coming. Phillip had been stressed, snapping at everyone constantly. Then he'd just quietly retreated into their office, staring at his computer screen without a word, except for asking P.T. if he minded leading the show that night.
P.T. had gone out and done the show, what else was he supposed to do? The show must go on. He'd gone out and put on a smile and show, like always, but the worry about Phillip was constantly nagging in the back of his mind. He'd promised himself he'd talk to his friend when the show was over, find out what was going on with him.
Then he'd come back to an empty office, an empty bottle of whiskey on the desk the only sign that Phillip had been there and the fear had gripped his stomach.
Just a phone called left unanswered, had me sparking up
These cigarettes won't stop me wondering where you are
Don't let go, keep a hold
He'd called Phillip, so many times he'd lost count. It had gone straight to voicemail every time, a sure sign that he'd turned his phone off- most probably because he'd known P.T. would be trying to call him the second he realised he'd gone.
It didn't stop him trying again though. He dialled Phillip's number again, leaving yet another voicemail pleading with him to come back and talk to him. He knew Phillip had to be listening to them, or his mailbox would've been full by now. He was just too determined to ignore him.
He fumbled in his desk drawer, fishing out the packet of cigarettes he kept hidden at the back- the ones Charity scolded him about every time she managed to work out where he'd hidden them- he pulled one out and rolled it between his fingers for a moment. It was a bad habit, as Charity often reminded him, and he had all but given up. Except every now and then when things got really stressful he'd allow himself just one- just to help him think.
If you look into the distance, there's a house upon the hill
Guiding like a lighthouse to a place where you'll be
Safe to feel at grace 'cause we've all made mistakes
If you've lost your way...
It was stupid really, almost pathetic. He was sitting there, well past midnight, pretending to work instead of at home with his wife and kids just on the off chance that Phillip might turn up. He wanted to make sure he was there if Phillip decided he was ready to talk, before he had a chance to change his mind.
But he couldn't sit there forever, and there was a quiet voice in his head that was reminding him he'd got no idea if Phillip was even planning to come back. Switching off his computer he dialled Phillip's number again.
"Phillip, it's me again." He sighed. "I know you're getting these messages. If you don't want to talk to me then that's fine but can you at least let me know you're alive? I'm going home now, I'll be back at the circus first thing tomorrow, but if you want to talk or you need anything then you know where I am. You're welcome any time. I'll leave the porch lights on and the spare key is where it always is."
He hung up, far from hopeful that he'd be seeing Phillip any time soon. Then he gathered up his things, taking one last glance around the office, before heading home to his wife.
I will leave the light on
The house was dark and silent, the creak of the big heavy front door seeming impossibly loud as he tried unsuccessfully to creep in without waking Charity. He paused, checking that the spare door key was where he thought it was under the plant pot still- just in case. Then he flicked on the porch lights before closing the door behind himself.
Charity stood at the bottom of the stairs, blinking at him sleepily. "I didn't think you'd be coming back." She mumbled.
"I'm sorry." He kicked his shoes off, crossing the distance between them and kissing her softly. "I got distracted."
"Still no sign of Phillip then." She frowned unhappily.
He shook his head, smoothing her hair back off her face. "No. I left him a couple more messages, there's not much else I can do. Come on, let's get some sleep. We can talk about it in the morning." He held his hand out to her which she quickly took and led her up the stairs to their bedroom. He didn't even want to think about the fact that he was going to have to get up again in a few hours.
"He'll come back." She mumbled, settling into bed beside him. She curled into his chest, his arms wrapped around her. It was comforting, being there with her, but it didn't stop his mind from wandering and wondering where Phillip was and if he was okay.
"Yeah. I hope so." He sighed. She didn't reply, already fast asleep.
He was woken a couple of hours later, but it felt like only seconds, by Charity jabbing him in the ribs. The sun was just starting to come up outside the window and for a moment he panicked and thought he'd overslept. "What?"
"What's that noise? Can you hear it?" Charity whispered.
He sat up, suddenly much more alert. It was the unmistakable creak of the hinges on their front door. "Stay here." He whispered, dragging himself out of bed.
"Be careful." Charity pleaded as he crept out of the room.
He breathed a sigh of relief as he reached the top of the stairs and spotted Phillip in the doorway fumbling with his jacket. It was quickly overridden by the shock that Phillip had actually turned up.
"Phillip." He greeted his friend as he reached the bottom of the stairs. "You came."
"Yeah I umm…. I didn't realise how late it is… sorry, I'll go." He looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights.
"No!" P.T. shot back quickly. "Go and sit down. I just need to tell Charity it's only you. I think she thought someone was trying to break in."
"Sorry. I got your message and-"
P.T. shook his head. "It's my fault, I forgot to tell her I'd left you that message. I'm really glad you're here, just give me two minutes."
He ran back up the stairs, Charity jumped out of her skin as he pushed the door open. "Sorry, it's just Phillip."
"Phillip? It's the middle of the night?" She looked confused and he couldn't blame her.
"Yeah. I probably should've warned you that I told him he was welcome whenever. I didn't think he'd actually turn up." He looked at her sheepishly.
"Do you want me to come down?" She yawned.
"No. It's okay, you get some sleep." He leant over to kiss her as she settled herself back into bed. He grabbed his jumper that was hanging from the end of the bed and pulled it on.
"When are you going to sleep?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.
"When I'm dead apparently." He groaned as he reached the door. He was beyond tired but he couldn't exactly turn Phillip away.
"Phin." Charity scolded. "Don't joke about that."
"Sorry." He flashed her a smile. "I'm tired that's all. Hopefully I won't be too long."
Tell me what's been happening, what's been on your mind
Lately you've been searching for a darker place
To hide, that's alright
He made himself and Phillip a coffee. Partly because he'd caught a whiff of the alcohol on Phillip's breath as he'd come in, but mainly because he was in serious need of some caffeine if he was going to stay awake to hear what Phillip had to say.
"Thanks." Phillip mumbled as P.T. handed him the mug. He was sitting in the armchair by the window, staring out into the darkness of the gardens.
P.T. pulled a chair round so he was sitting facing him. He studied his friend closely, waiting for him to speak. "I'll be honest I'm surprised you turned up. You haven't been answering my calls."
"Yeah." Phillip said slowly, his finger tracing the rim of his mug. "I got them, I just didn't know what to say."
"Well, you're here now? Why don't you try?" P.T. suggested. He sipped at his coffee, willing the caffeine to take some kind of effect as he struggled to suppress a yawn.
"I don't even know why I'm here." Phillip mumbled.
"You're part of our family now. That's what families do Phillip. We'll be here for you no matter what."
"It was just one.. just one… I thought it'd be okay." Phillip whispered.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Phillip stared out of the window silently for a long time and P.T. wondered for a moment if he'd even heard what he said. "I met my father for a drink. It's stupid really, isn't it? Everything he's done and I still feel like I need to make an effort to put things right with them."
"They're you're parents. It's not going to be easy to just turn your back on them, you shouldn't have to." P.T. said gently.
"I thought it might be different, maybe he'd changed. Then he was plying me with whiskey and talking about how things were going to be when I came home. I didn't even want it he just kept shoving it in front of me and then once I'd had one…"
"You wanted more." P.T. finished the sentence for him when Phillip didn't seem to be able.
"All that time trying to get sober and I just threw it all away." Phillip's voice cracked as he turned to look at P.T.
But if you carry on abusing, you'll be robbed from us
I refuse to lose another friend to drugs
Just come home, don't let go
Phineas took a deep breath, trying to find the right words for what he wanted to say. "It's a slip Phillip, you're only human. You just have to make sure it's just a slip and you do get back on track. You've worked too hard to throw this all away."
"I was sitting there and that bottle of whiskey in your desk, I knew it was there and I couldn't think about anything else."
"Well, it's gone now and I'm not replacing it so you don't have to worry about that." P.T. joked. Phillip's lips twitched into something that vaguely resembled a smile. Phillip stared at him for a long moment, trying to read his facial expression.
If you look into the distance, there's a house upon the hill
Guiding like a lighthouse to a place where you'll be
Safe to feel at grace 'cause we've all made mistakes
If you've lost your way…
"Does… does this mean you'll let me come back?" He asked eventually, his voice small and childlike.
"Of course!" P.T. answered straight away. "Is that what you thought? It was a couple of drinks Phillip. We've all made mistakes."
"Some more than others." Phillip muttered.
Phineas shook his head. "You need to stop being so hard on yourself. Everyone in that place has done at least one thing they really wish they hadn't, everyone will understand- they've been there. Me included."
Phillip snorted in disbelief.
"Phillip, you seem to forget I nearly lost my wife, kids and home because I risked absolutely everything for a business I that I had no idea if it could succeed." Phineas reminded him.
"Yeah, but look how that all turned out for you." Phillip scoffed.
"Yeah, years later." P.T. pointed out. "And with a lot of help from you a might add. Give yourself some time. You don't have to fix everything overnight."
"I don't know if I can do it." Phillip admitted. He'd spent so long trying to get himself sober and get things back on track, the ease with which he'd gone back to his old ways had frightened him.
"You can." P.T. told him with confidence. "You're admitting you've got a problem and you want to do something about it. That's the hardest part. You're not hiding from the truth anymore. You've got me and Charity, and anyone else and the circus if you wanted to tell them. We're all here for you Phillip, anytime. You can do this. Don't throw away everything you've worked for."
"Do you really mean it?" Phillip whispered, somehow still unsure even after all that had been said that his friend was genuine.
"I do." P.T. promised. "But if you turning up in the middle of the night is going to become a regular thing I'm going to need to fix those hinges so you don't frighten Charity." He laughed.
"I'll try not to make it a thing." Phillip yawned. "Speak of which I should probably go."
P.T. glanced at his watch. It was nearly 5am. "The spare room is made up- why don't you crash here? You can come back in with me in the morning if you feel like it?"
Phillip hesitated for a moment then nodded. "Thank you, for everything." He got up and followed P.T. towards the stairs. His friend patted him on the shoulder and smiled.
"It's what family are for Phillip. Whatever it is, we'll always be here."
If you look into the distance, there's a house upon the hill
Guiding like a lighthouse, it's a place where you'll be
Safe to feel at grace and if you've lost your way
If you've lost your way I will leave the light on
And I know you down and out now but I need you to be brave
Hiding from the truth ain't gonna make this all okay
I'll see your pain if you don't feel our grace
And you've lost your way
I will leave the light on