When All is Lost One is Found

Author: Rinoaebastel

Chapter 2: From Snivellus to Severus

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and gain no profit from this fanfiction other than writing practice. Harry Potter is owned by JK Rowling.

AN: This story may contain scenes taken from the Harry Potter movies and books, but it's not exact dialogue, just rewording of dialogue or omission. It is not marked.

Droplets of warm water caressed his skin as he rubbed off the grime from a day he wanted to forget. He cut off the water and started drying off. As he did so, he avoided looking at the mirror. He wasn't an attractive person and that was probably one of the many reasons why Lilly was out of his reach. Clearly, she didn't go on personality if she hung around Potter, so he was out of luck in that aspect as well. He wasn't a fool. He loved her but held no hope that she would ever reciprocate, and his chances went into the negatives after today's incident.

Still, she shouldn't have been there. She shouldn't have looked at him when he was… He pressed his hands against the sink and forbade his thoughts from going any further. After cleaning his towel with magic and dressing in clean clothes, he walked out into the common room and glanced at the clock. It was dinner time, but he knew he wouldn't be able to stomach a meal.

There was something more important he needed to do.

He left the common room, but instead of going to the dining hall he directed his footsteps toward Gryffindor tower. He would wait for her there.

-/-/-

Hours passed and he stood patiently, watching as all the idiotic Gryffindors with their full bellies walked to their common room. He even had the displeasure of watching Potter and company returning. Since he was in the shadows, they either didn't see him or paid him no mind. They were nothing but presumptuous walking chunks of human defecation. Then, he heard her voice. He started to shake so he took a deep breath to try to calm down. He could do it. But he needed to be alone with her.

Gathering what little courage he had, he step out from the shadows and cleared his throat. Not exaggerated, yet loud enough to startle the group of Gryffindor girls. He didn't care what they thought. His main concern was the problem with Lily.

She was staring at him with such a cold stare that he momentarily forgot what he was there for. He gathered his thoughts and began. . "L-lily... May I—"

She turned away from him and walked towards the fat lady's portrait. A pain shot through his chest. She didn't want to talk to him.

He couldn't let things stay like this. He'd made a mistake and . . . and she was the only friend he had. If he lost her he'd... "W—wait please I just want to…" He avoided looking at the other girls, but he didn't need to. He knew they wanted to hex him.

"You want to insult me some more?" she finished for him. "Wasn't it enough to call me mudblood? What you said hurt, Severus. I expected more from you."

"I-I-I..." Stuttering! He was bloody stuttering!

Expected more from me. She should expect the same from Potter. Of course he'd be held at fault, golden boy could do no wrong. Still, she was his friend. She was worth swallowing his pride for. But before he was able to do it, she'd already disappeared behind the painting.

His voice frozen and his legs didn't respond to his orders to follow. But what did he expect? A familiar spark of anger coursed through him, taking the place of pain. He was treated like garbage in front of her, and a single word shouldn't have turned her against him. It wasn't an excuse for what he called her, but she should at least hear his explanations. Couldn't she recognize that he said the word out of fear and shame?

He stood there staring at a single spot. He could feel the painting staring at him, but he didn't care. The lights went out indicating he had limited time before the teachers started to patrol. But losing points wasn't going to make him move. He couldn't. She was important to him and if he couldn't do this, he was no better than Potter.

He climbed a few of the stairs in front of the fat lady's portrait. Her eyes were on him, like a panther stalking her prey.

"You should go back to your common room, boy. I know you aren't a Gryffindor." She told him as he climbed the last stair and stood in front of her.

"I know, but I need to speak to her," he managed to reply with a respectful tone when what he really wanted to do was yell and demand the painting contact her.

"It didn't look like she wanted to talk, boy, and you deserve it." Hearing those harsh words made him clench his jaws until his teeth hurt.

"I still want to talk to her." He took a deep breath. "Could she come out, please?"

"If she hasn't already, I doubt she will now. You've been standing there for an hour, go away."

At hearing how he lost track of time, he frowned and glanced away from the painting. Even an object judged him. An enchanted object, but an object nonetheless. He needed to change his life or he would end up like his pitiful father.

"Then I will wait here." He sat on the floor, taking a position in front of the portrait, and crossed his arms, sticking his hands in his sleeves.

"What? No, boy. You need to go to your house. You can't stay here."

"I will stay even if I have to sleep here. I don't care."

"For a bogart's arse, you're one stubborn Slytherin. She won't come out."

"Then I will stay here forever and you will have to endure my stubborn Slytherin presence." He let out a tiny grin, a rare occurrence, and said with a steady voice, "Call her."

She sighed. "Fine, wait here."

"Of course." He almost laughed at the way the painting tried to take back control of the situation by ordering him to do something he'd already expressed his intentions on doing.

He heard the muffled sound of footsteps coming in his direction.

He inhaled several times as the sounds grew closer. In the hour he waited, he'd pictured various scenarios in his mind. Using his brain brought calmness to him and calmness resulted in a level head.

The frame containing the fat lady moved to the side and Lily appeared like a portrait of Morgana. Her fiery locks were spiraling out of control, as if she was standing in a strong wind before emerging from the rooms. Her eyes were narrowed, and her arms were folded across her chest. This was it. This was his chance to explain.

"Severus. What do you want?" He opened his mouth to speak but his voice froze again. She gave him a few seconds before saying, "I'm going back to bed then."

He found his voice when she turned to leave. "I'm sorry Lily. I came to apologise to you. I… I didn't mean for-"

"I don't want to hear it, Severus," she answered as if she'd had a response prepared.

He never thought Lily could be like this. The lack of sentiment from her felt wrong. They were always close until people started to talk about him. Things changed and he wasn't the same boy she liked anymore. If she ever truly liked him. Still, he didn't want to leave without trying his hardest to get her friendship back.

"I'm so sorry, Lily. You know tha—"

"I should tell you where to shove your apologies, but I don't want to be vulgar. I told you that I don't want to hear them. I only came out because the Fat Lady told me you threatened to sleep here. We don't want to dirty our halls."

The slight cringe she gave after the last line, a gesture that indicated she regretted saying it, did little good to alleviate the pain it caused. Ugly, filthy, rotten, greasy, and now he was dirt. That about covered every piece of grime people called him. He'd take the abuse from everyone around him if he could erase ever hearing it from her lips. This situation should've made her empathetic to the way he felt, but instead she ignored anything he'd gone through.

"I didn't intend to call you a mudblood. I was just..." His voice broke and he lowered his head more.

"Let me guess, you let it slip?" There was no compassion in her tone. "I defended your actions for years. My friends didn't understand why I talked to you. Tried to convince me not to, but I did anyway because I liked you."

She did that for him? Defended him to Potter and those bastards?

"I was an idiot. I should've listened to them. You want to join you know who, don't you?"

He remained quiet even though what she said wasn't exactly the truth. He didn't have aspirations to join the Dark Lord necessarily. All he wanted was a place to belong. A place to feel . . . valued.

"We're no longer friends. You take your path, and I'll take mine."

She didn't have to say it outright for him to know she was choosing Potter. She didn't care about what they were losing. No. He couldn't let this. She didn't even take time to consider his apology or the effort it took to make it. This didn't seem like Lily at all.

"Don't go, please. I said I didn't want to call you that. I was just ash-"

"You call everyone else like me that, Severus, why am I the exception?"

He loved her. That was the difference. He couldn't treat her the same way because she was, despite all, his equal. But he wasn't hers. The malice in her eyes revealed a truth he was too naive, too young, and too trustful to think it could ever come from her. He was nothing to her. Perhaps he never was anything except a crutch to lean on when she had no one who understood what she was. Severus Snape. Good to be around until someone better comes along.

He straightened his posture and took a deep breath. "Okay, Miss Evans."

He turned as he heard a gasp come from her. Then he took his first step away from her.

And there in front of the Gryffindor rooms, he let her, his last friend, go.

No. He didn't let her go.

She left.

She left just like everyone else did.

-/-/-

When he reached the Slytherin common room, he threw open the passage and stomped inside, walking so fast the students moved out of his way before they were hit. His robe billowed behind him like bat wings, appearing as if they were making him move more quickly.

How could she do this? She knew where he came from. What he had to live with. She knew his father was an alcoholic muggle who forbade magic. His mother and he were subjected to his drunken insults and despicable treatment. They were nothing more than slaves to him. He spent all the money on alcohol and didn't care if they had money for food or clothes. With Lily, his supposed best friend, he thought he had found a place. But now…

He was hurt, he was pissed, and he wanted to kill someone.

A hand touched his shoulder and he shook it off. He twisted around to glare at the person who touched him.

"We heard what happened. That mudblood doesn't deserve your loyalty, Severus," Avery said. He almost snapped at him for calling her the derogatory name, but held his tongue. He hated that word.

"She should have understood," added Mulciber.

"We're your true friends, Severus." Avery's words felt right. They were like him. They liked the Dark Arts. They helped him and thought he was important enough to one day be in the presence of the second most powerful wizard of the world.

He nodded, giving them his silent acceptance. He would become a new person. He'd become powerful and respected by all. He would never let himself be caught off guard again. Never again would Potter treat him like he was worthless. No one would.

Snivellus died that night, and Severus Snape was born.

AN: This chapter hurt to write but in the need to understand him, we need to look at his life…See his past for a while. If you have time, share your thoughts and hope you enjoyed this tiny step on Severus transformation to what he is.