I see the flashlight a few yards away and trudge through the woods towards it in the dark. It rained earlier this evening, so the ground sticks to my boots. Martin shines the lights downward as he gets closer to me.

"Coast is clear."

"Yeah, same here," I report, turning to walk in the same direction as him, "Let's head back to camp. I'm tired as hell."

"I told you to get some shut eye in the car."

"And I told you, I don't take orders from subordinates."

He cracks a smile. "It was more of a friendly suggestion than an order, but whatever."

I yawn big. "I can never sleep in the car anyway. Or any place that isn't home."

"Well, maybe we should head back," He suggests looking at me, "You know, rest up and regroup."

"No, we're close," I stick my hands in my wool-lined pockets, "We'll find 'em by tomorrow. I guarantee you."

"Come on, Pip; you're tired," Martin eggs, "You aren't sleeping, because you miss the boys."

I peer down as I walk, silently acknowledging that to be the truth.

"What do you say we go home?" He looks up at sky as it starts to drizzle. "It's been nearly a week and we've only found leadless traces."

"You can go home," I tell him sincerely, "Take anyone who wants to go back, but I'm finding Hilltop and they're gonna take me to these Saviors."

Martin stops in his tracks and turns to face me. He shrugs. "Why? This isn't our fight, Pip."

"Yes, it is."

"No, it's not," He shakes his head in a scoff, "We don't know either of these places or people."

"We know-"

"We know Jesus," He cuts me off, "And he fucking stole from us when you asked him to pay us back."

"He didn't steal, I let him have it." I continue to walk.

"Yeah, but that was after the fact that he took off," Martin follows, "Look, all I'm saying is we don't owe these people anything, so why the hell are we going on this little crusade for people we're told are dangerous?"

"Because we need to resupply our community with medicine," I go around a tree in my way, "We've got aspirin and imodium. Our community is only as strong as our people and we're vulnerable, if another flu hits like it did when we were starting out."

"So, you think by doing this, whatever the plan is exactly, Hilltop will be so grateful, they'll be throwing insulin and antibiotics at our feet like roses?"

"No, we'll take the meds that they gave to the Saviors and then establish trade with Hilltop."

"And if the Saviors tell us to fuck off?"

I peer over at him as we walk, not saying anything as I shift my gaze forward again.

"...So, the plan is to kill these people and ask questions later."

"I told you what Jesus told me; these people are thugs. Extortionists and murderers. You think they'll just say sorry and play nice?"

Martins exhales, frustrated. "Yeah, that's the other thing, Pippa, how do you know Jesus is telling the truth?"

"Because he's my friend and I trust him."

"I think he knows that and plays you like a harp."

I scoff, offended. "Give me a little credit, Martin, I didn't get where I am, because I'm pretty."

"No, and you haven't stayed there by being a pushover either."

I stop and furrow my brows at him. "Are you saying I'm a pushover with Jesus?"

"You let him have a truck load of shit he tried to steal."

"That was on good faith," I growl, "Faith that he would extend my offer to his leader to work together and build a bridge between our communities."

"All we have to do is kill the big bad wolf," He argues, "How do you know the Saviors are bad, huh? How do you know they aren't just some other tit these assholes aren't feeding off of that got tired of being used?"

"They beat a kid to death."

"Who said that? Jesus?"

I roll my eyes and keep walking.

"All I'm saying, Pip, is there's something strange about all this."

"Well, if you're getting the heebie-jeebies than go the fuck home."

"You know, I'm not gonna leave you out here."

"Well, then shut up and do as I say."

He sighs, before treading behind me. Then, he chuckles below his breath.

"What?"

"Nothing," Martins replies, "I just get a little turned on when you take that tone with me."

I roll my eyes again. "What tone? Authoritative?"

"I like powerful women."

I can't help but smile a little, despite being angry. "Yeah, well, like I told you before, I'm off romance."

"Yeah…" He goes quiet.

Knowing Martin, it's for no reason. No disappointment, or sadness from my words, just him contently walking back to camp with me. But I, however, have this nagging hold in me that tells me to not keep him in the dark like this.

I sigh through my nose. "Look, Marty, I've just had rough luck in the past. It's not you, it's me and I mean that a hundred percent."

"I know, you told me," He mildy answers, "I get it."

"I don't think you do," I tell him, looking over to the fire a few feet away, "Smells like dinner."

Connor glances up as he stirs a spoon inside a pot that hangs above the fire. "It's got a few minutes."

"Lour and Tracy back yet?"

"Nah, but they should be pretty soon."

I nod my head, warming my hands by the fire. "I'm gonna head to the car. Call it a night."

"Don't you wanna eat?" Martin asks.

"No, too tired." I head to the two cars we have parked here in the woods. I open the door to the Jeep I've managed to keep running after all this time.

"Hey."

I turn at Martin's voice. "What?"

"I'm sorry if I pissed you off back there," He says, "I don't think you're a pushover."

"Mm, you do a little."

He exhales, smoothing back his damp hair. "I just don't get why he wouldn't ask for our help sooner. I mean, it makes sense wouldn't it? You need help, you ask. You don't keep it all a secret and keep living in fear."

I shrug. "They didn't want to lose their supply chain, if the Saviors found out about us."

Martin huffs. "That's nice."

"Martin, just trust me, alright? I'm not making a hasty, naive call here. I know what I'm doing."

He nods. "Okay."

I scan his face. "It's not about Hilltop, or the Saviors. It's about us, because we are who matters."

Martin picks his gaze up.

"At least in my books," I add, "Everything that I do is for the preservation of Halcyon. For the future."

"I know," Martin breathes, "I just...don't know if this will get us there."

"It will," I guarantee him, "Trust me."

"I do trust you," He grins, "Heart and soul, I trust you."

I smile at his words. If he leaned over to kiss me, I would let him. I would kiss him back.

A snapping sound, like a small fallen branch under boot, gains my attention. I ebb my smile. "Hey."

"Hey," Lourdes says back, looking between us, "We just got back. It's clear on our end."

"Same with us." I report, shyly holding my elbows.

"Food's ready."

"I'm not eating," I look back up at Martin, "Better go eat; I want to be up early tomorrow."

"Yes, ma'am," Martin says in his smart way, "Get some sleep."

He walks to the campfire, where everyone's eating canned sausage gravy with staling biscuits and meat from the ducks Martin and Ellis shot yesterday. It smells divine, but I can't eat.

"You sure you aren't hungry?" Lourdes asks. "You've never been a girl to turn down biscuits gravy."

"Yeah, I'm not hungry."

"Did I…" She suanters closer, "Interrupt something?"

"A conversation."

"Your face didn't look like it was interested in conversation." She teases.

I roll my eyes. "Martin and I are friends."

"You told me you and him fucked, remember?"

"We didn't fuck," I snap below my breath, "We had sex."

"Yeah, hot and heavy in the woods," She leans her arm on the car door, "You little frisky bumpkins."

"We were in a truck, asshole."

"Romantic," Lourdes takes a quick glance back at the site, "I don't know why you're so secretive about it."

"I should write it in the sky that we hooked up once to everyone at home?"

"No, but you two have been smitten for a while now and I don't know why-"

"Because I've learned my lesson, Lour," I tell her, "Relationships are nothing but brimstone and fire for me." I pull my hair up to tie it out of my face. "I'm through getting burned up."

"Martin's a good man, Pippa," She argues, "I think you'd find he's different from all your previous flames."

"Yeah, but I tend to get knocked up by dudes I go around with, so…"

"Well, if you'd practice safe sex…"

I give her a look. "Right. The only safe sex is either the pull-out method, or celibacy…."

"I don't think you have what it takes to be celibate."

I shrug. "Martin was the first in four years."

"Oh, come on, Pip, don't be so drastic."

"Well, the only other option is what we have to thank for Abel."

"And what a bright little ray of sunshine he is."

We both laugh. "I just don't think I'm up for it, Lour."

She nods her head. "Alright, well, just don't close down the factory until you know for sure. You deserve to be happy."

"Yeah…" I let out a yawn, "I'm gonna call it a night."

"Okay, try to actually sleep, instead of worrying about the boys. They're fine."

"I'm a mom, I never stop worrying." I climb into the car to rest.

Lourdes goes to the fire to eat. I listen to the conversations and laughter as I sit there in the car with the seat reclined, trying to fall asleep.

I do think about the boys, but not about if they're in good hands. I know they're in good hands. I worry about those good hands having to raise them, because I don't make it back.

…

It's raining hard. The rain doesn't normally bother me when I try to sleep, but because I've been awake pretty much the whole night, it keeps me up. That and Lourdes' soft but noticeable snoring. It's also making my bladder ache longingly. I have to pee, but it's pouring buckets out there.

I look over at Lourdes through the mirror. She's sleeping across the backseat, while Connor sleeps on the floor below her. I think she and him might have hooked up once or twice. Yes, they did; I remember because she said both times he took her from behind in front of a mirror.

I also remember getting turned on by that. The next time I saw Martin, I avoided eye contact. I kept picturing him doing to me what Connor did to Lourdes. Wanting that. Maybe not the mirror thing, or maybe the mirror thing, I just remember wanting him to have hold of my hips.

Martin shifts in his sleep in the driver's seat next to mine. I glance over.

The air becomes denser in the car, so I say fuck it and open the door. Luckily for me, the rain has miraculously stopped. I trudge through the mud a couple yards away from the car, so I can pee behind a tree.

I pull my pants down and squat, sighing with relief. "Fuck."

"Feel better?"

I scare a little, stopping mid-stream as my eyes dart up. "...Jesus?"

Jesus stares down at me from beside a tree he was hiding behind. "What are you doing out here?"

I fish out a pack of tissues in my jacket pocket. "Camping."

"Really?" He says, skeptical.

"Yep," I rise, pulling my pants up, "How long have you been tailing us?"

"I haven't been," He claims, "I saw the fire earlier and decided to check things out."

"Why didn't you show yourself?"

"Because your people think I stole from you."

I nod. "So, what was the plan? Trail us from here?"

"No, the plan was to stop you from going further," Jesus replies, "Which I've managed."

I furrow my brows. "What do you mean?"

"I've slashed the back tires of both your cars."

"You what?"

"I thought I woke you up."

I huff, furious, looking toward the cars. "Why? Why would you do that? We're trying to help you!"

"I talked to Gregory and he doesn't want your help," Jesus informs me, "He wants you to stay away."

"Stay away?" I scoff incredulously. "He fucking owes me!"

"I know and I'm sorry; I really tried to convince him, Pippa, but he won't budge."

I put my hands on my hips, shaking my head in utter anger and disbelief. "Un-fucking-believable."

"I'm sorry."

"I want to meet him."

"What?"

I look back his way. "I want to meet Gregory. I want to meet the asshole who's in debt to me and still has the balls to fucking slam the door in my face."

"Pippa, he-"

"No, Jesus, I am tired of being nice," I shout, "If he won't cooperate, then...we're just gonna have to take what we're owed."

Jesus looks at me, bewildered. "What? You mean strongarm Hilltop?"

"If that's what it takes," I answer with a firm brow, "If Hilltop doesn't want to work with us, or take our help, then fine; but we're getting paid back before we cut ties."

"Pip, we-"

"That's not my problem, Paul," I say coldly, "I tried to be reasonable, to be friendly. But I have to worry about my community's well being, not spoon feed another."

"Look, I know it's frustrating, believe me, but the Saviors have got Gregory afraid of his own shadow," He tells me, "He's so afraid of doing something to piss them off, that he doesn't want to risk taking your help."

"There doesn't have to be a risk," I retort, "We can take care of the Saviors for you."

"Yeah, well, Gregory isn't sure that he wants to do business with a bunch of mercenaries," Jesus shrugs, "Besides, to him, there's nothing more terrifying than the Saviors."

"Well, if he'd only meet me…" I grumble under my breath.

He smiles into a chuckle. "Well, maybe if you told him you were Negan, he'd think you were more formidable."

I scoff and go to reply. That is until that name registers in my brain. I look over at him. "What?"

"That's his biggest fear," Jesus scoffs, "We've made them mad before, whenever they've been unsatisfied with our payments, but Gregory's worried about us making a mistake that will result in getting a visit from Negan."

I stare. Negan. Negan? I blink like a punch drunk idiot. "W-who?"

"He's the leader of the Saviors," Jesus clarifies, "The Saviors we deal with are like his middlemen. They know Gregory's a coward, so they always be sure to remind us that they're the ones who keep Negan off our backs."

"Negan?" I say his name as if it's a foreign word.

"Yeah, he's sort of a boogeyman that keeps everyone in line."

"You never met him?"

"No, the goal is to never have to," Jesus says, "If you have to meet Negan, then you're in serious trouble. At least that's we're told anyway."

I nod my head, sober.

"I don't think he's real."

I look up at Jesus.

"He might be just what I said; a boogeyman the Saviors use to scare us into compliance."

I mull it over for a second, still in private disarray. "Why would they make him up? You're already afraid of them and do what they say, because you're afraid."

"Yeah, because we're afraid of Negan and what Negan orders the Saviors to do, if we don't appease him," Jesus adds, "Because they claim that everything they do is for Negan."

"A made up guy?" I cock my brow. "Why would they do that?"

"To scare us into thinking there's someone worse than them, so we'll keep them happy to keep the worst at bay."

Someone worse. I hear it in my head. Someone worse than men who killed a teenager. I feel the rain start up again.

"If it were up to me, Pip, we'd go there and take care of them, but it's not."

I blink back to his eyes. "You know where they are? I thought they came to you?"

"They usually do, but I just learned that they've been getting lazy and have had my people go to them for drop off."

"Where?"

"At this radio station about forty minutes from Hilltop."

"...How many minutes from here?"

"I don't know," He shakes his head, "I haven't been there myself."

"Well, how far is Hilltop from here?"

He huffs, chuckling. "Nice try, Pippa."

"You don't want to take care of this?" I ask him. "We could go now. When they're asleep."

"Pippa?" Lourdes calls.

We both look that way. She probably can't see me from here. I look over, but he's gone. Vanished like he's been known to do from time to time.

"Pippa?"

"I'm over here." I call back, moving in that direction, though it feels aimless.

"What are you doing out here?" She inquires with her head poking out of the car.

"I had to pee." I answer, getting back in on my side.

"I thought I heard you talking."

"No." I murmur, staring at the glove compartment.

Lourdes yawns. "Must have been dreaming.

"Must have." I say, looking out the window. I don't sleep the rest of the night.

…

The morning is foggy. Everyone wakes between six and seven. When asked how long I've been awake, I just say "not very long" even though I've been up all night.

When asked about the tires, I tell them we must have picked up nails. The holes look as if they could be from something like that, not so much slashed as punctured. We have spare tires, so it's not really an issue, only an inconvenience.

"You okay?"

I look at Lourdes. "Yeah, I'm just tired."

"You look a little drained."

I huff, cracking a bleak smile. "Thanks."

"I don't mean it in a rude way, you just look like hell."

"Thanks again," I bite my lip, "Actually, I was thinking about sending everyone back."

"You mean going home?"

"Yeah," I nod, looking over at the group once again by the campfire, "We're losing morale and we didn't pack for more than a couple days."

"Okay," Lourdes put her hand on her hip, "So, we take a few days to recharge and get back out here for better luck?"

I run my tongue over the top. "Um, actually, I was thinking about staying out here and scouting by myself."

"What?" She scoffs, "Uh, no, are you delirious from sleep deprivation? You're not staying out here by yourself."

"I'm a big girl," I meet her gaze, "I can look after myself."

"You're also a mother," She retorts, "Of two little boys who can't look after themselves."

"If I had a dick, would you be pulling that card?"

"Yes, I would be, because you'd still be a parent," Lourdes growls, "You're not staying out here by yourself, Pippa. What if you run into those people?"

"I've dealt with people before on my own."

"Yeah, well, you're not doing it alone this time," She argues back, "I'm sorry, but I'm pulling rank."

I scoff, humored. "I outrank you, dummy."

"Well...as second in command, I'm saying that I'm not going anywhere but with you."

I look her over. My face grows long and she can tell. "I can't have my people walking into uncertainty."

She reads my face. "Pippa, it was already uncertainty when we packed up and left Halcyon. They knew that." She tips her chin to the camp. "But they came anyway because they trust you and they believe in you. Believe in your leadership."

I can't help but smile, but briefly. "Thing is, I don't know what I'm doing, or what I'm going to do when I find these people. And their leader."

"We're gonna strategize the best way to handle them and then we're gonna handle them."

"It might not that easy, Lour."

"Of course it's that easy. If these people are as bad as Jesus says they are, then they leave, or they die."

I breathe through my nose, glancing down at the ground. "I think I'm still gonna send some of 'em home."

"We could use the numbers."

"Not if we're smart."

"Come eat!" Martin calls to us, drinking coffee from a tin cup.

I walk towards the fire. "Alright, listen up; we've been out here longer than I had anticipated. I know some of you are tired and missing home, whomever wants to head back can go."

The people around the fire look at me, mildly confused.

"You?" Martin asks.

"Me? Lour and I are staying out a while longer," I reply, "Just to scout it out. We'll come back when we know and start planning our next move."

"I'm not going back to Halcyon," He says, "I'll scout it out with the two of you."

I nod, knowing I won't change his mind.

"I'll stay, too, boss." Connor chimes in.

"Same." Nanda say.

'Same here." Quinn volunteers.

I nod again, accepting. "Tracy, I know your aunt's still sick, so go home and be with her."

She nods without argument.

"Kurt, Ellis, go with her and then tell the hyenas to start looking for every pharmacy, hospital, vet clinics, etc for medicine."

"Ma'am." Kurt nods.

I look over at Martin. "Give Ellis the keys to Ursa."

Martin touches the breast pocket of his jacket protectively. "Why?"

'Because I want her moved to East."

He looks at Ellis and then reaches into his pocket. "Fine. Be careful with her. She's a lady."

"Oh, for god's sake," Ellis grabs the keys, "Why don't you marry her?"

"Who says I ain't?" Martin jokes with a serious tone. "I mean it, don't scratch her."

Ellis rolls his eyes.

I breathe now that everything's settled. Not relieved, but steady, determined. To do what, I'm not so sure.

…

Abel learned about Negan for the first time when he was a few months shy of turning two. I don't think that it had occurred to him before then that he could have a father. For all I know, he just believed that he had a mother who told him that she carried him in her tummy until he wanted to be born. No conceivable information as to how he got to be there, or how his brother came to be there prior.

Maybe to him, he and his brother were like galaxies that just exploded into existence within my warm, bathlike universe. But seeing as he doesn't know what a galaxy is, I think that theory is unlikely.

No, it wasn't until I found a book while scavenging that I thought both kids would like, that he became aware that I wasn't just some autogamic force of nature. The book was about a boy and his father going on a flight around the world. Before I could turn the first page, Abel pointed to the adult man and asked; "Who dat?"

I remember looking down at him, at his curious eyes studying the illustration was held down by his finger. I then felt my eyes peering across at Jolyon staring at me as if to wonder what I would say.

I told Abel it was the boy's dad and then he asked; "What dat?"

I told him that dads are parents like I was a parent.

He got confused and touched the picture again. "His mommy?"

Jolyon shook his head, explaining to him that there was a difference between mommies and daddies. The next page had a picture of a mom helping the pair pack for the journey, which Jol used as evidence.

Abel wanted to know where "our" dad was. I guess he would assume that Jolyon and he had the same dad, since he wasn't aware of dads until this moment. Jolyon didn't want to answer, so I said that his dad was lost and I had to find him.

Jolyon asked me later that night if I was in fact looking for Negan and I told him yes, I was, which was true.

But like I said, I had to stop and start to lie about how I haven't stopped.

…

There's two people standing outside the front of the building. Both have assault rifles strapped across their shoulders. Through the binoculars, they appear smug as they smoke their cigarettes. There hasn't been any other interaction since we found them, except for the inaudible words exchanged through hand radios.

Those radios make it evident that there are others somewhere, we just don't know how many exactly.

It wasn't hard to find them, once I learned that they were living in a radio station. I didn't tell the others, not even Lourdes, that I had talked to Jesus last night, so I couldn't say that's how I knew. We had split up in the woods and I said that I found this place on my search.

"Pippa."

I take the binoculars away from my face and look towards Lourdes.

"Well?"

I hand Martin back the binoculars. "Judging from the size of the building, there can't be anymore than thirty, maybe forty living there."

"So, we need to go back," She says, "For reinforcement."

I nod in thought. My elbows and stomach hurt from laying like this on the roof of the truck. "Yeah, we might."

"Don't know if it's a might, so much as a definite, Pip." Martin replies, taking another look for himself. "However many there are, there's only six of us. We're no match, unless we caught 'em by surprise."

"We could wait 'til nightfall," Connor suggests, "If we're smooth and swift, they'd never know what hit 'em."

"Yeah, or we could get outnumbered and killed," Lourdes scoffs, "We need to go back and get more people."

"I agree with Lourdes," Quinn adds, sitting in the car with her feet hanging out the open door, "It'd be suicide to go in like that."

"Whatever."

"What say you, Pip?" Martin inquires.

I chew my lip, staring at the ants standing guard outside the radio station.

"We go back," I finally answer, picking myself up, "And we get more people. Come back at nightfall."

"Alright, let's load up," Martin tells the rest, "We're headin' back."

He helps me down from the roof. I ignore Lourdes' eyes on me, as I walk to the passenger's side of the Jeep.

"God, I can't wait to sleep in my own bed, "Nanda groans, "Even if it's just for the night."

"You don't have to come back."

"It beats having to stand by the gates all day."

We drive out the way we got in. The woods here aren't as easy to move a car through, so Martin has to maneuver carefully.

"Pippa," Lourdes' hand touches my shoulder from behind my seat, "Pip."

"Yeah?" I look over my shoulder.

"You okay? You seem quiet."

I shake my head dismissively, turning my head to glance out the window. "I'm just thinking."

"About tomorrow night?"

"No...about the boys."

Martin pulls the Jeep onto the road and out of the wood. I furrow my brows. There's a dead one eating some kind of flesh with fur in the middle of the road. When it notices us, it abandons the meat and stands up, growling in our direction. I stare at it, at its ragged once blue nightgown.

"I've got it." I say, opening the car door. I take the knife from my belt and walk along the side of the road.

It moves lethargically towards me with its rotted arms outstretched to grab me. I hold it back and drive the knife into its brain. It slumps limp in my hand, I let go, and it drops to the ground with all it's dead weight.

I crouched down to wipe the blood onto his clothing. "We're good."

A twig breaks and my eyes look forward. The unmistakable sound of the hammer of a revolver cocking back is what I hear next. I'm suddenly aware of someone right behind me.

"You sure about that?"

Thanks for reading!

CLTex: Oh, yeah, the truth is coming out. She's gonna learn lol.

Kara315: Yeah, I foreee Jesus and Pippa's friendship expanding. I think she's a little in the in between right now as far as this leader of the Saviors being her Negan, but she's taken some steps to figure it out.

WritersBlock2018: Haha, thanks for pointing that out! I sometimes skim over and forget to change the place holders into actual names.

Jam88: Glad you like it! I'm also excited about it!

Izzy: Lol, I'm happy you're thrilled to see Pippa and Negan continue on into the ZA. Yes, I think it goes without saying that there will definitely be a lot of drama and hanky panky going on lol!

StTudnoBright: I'm frankly nervous about their reunion. On one hand, they find each other and their family has the potential finally form, but on the other hand, we know how Negan can be as the leader of the Saviors and we know how Pippa is in general.