Expression of Feeling
The walk back to the main concourse is quiet, and the atmosphere is reverent. I'm glad that nobody has asked me about my tears, for they are a mystery to me as well. When we got up after the ceremony, and I was wiping my face dry, Hikari touched me for a moment, and gave me an unreadable look, while the others stood back respectfully. I'm afraid to ask what my friends are thinking, even though I very much want to know.
The passing of the sights in reverse order of when I saw them sets off a chain of emotions in me. With each sight, I remember what I felt only hours ago. Everything I have seen, everything I have experienced and felt is so different from my past that I no longer know how to act, or how to hold myself. I am extremely self-conscious and embarrassed, and at the same time happy and full.
Going down the long stone steps out of the shrine, the lightheaded feeling that has accompanied me throughout the trip becomes stronger. I stumble, and Shinji catches me before I can lose my footing.
"Rei!" Hikari's worried expression floats into view. "I'm sorry, I didn't even think. This is more than you usually do, more than you've ever done..."
"I've missed my usual mid-day meal, that's all," I say in reassurance, using the support of my two friends to safely navigate the remaining steps. That is not all, but there is no need to worry them. I briefly wonder if the concentration of emotions I have experienced the past few days has used more physical energy than simply staying in my apartment would have. Undoubtedly it has, but I have no empirical data.
"We gonna eat?" Kodama bounces around excitedly, grabbing onto Hikari's other hand. "Sis, we gonna eat?"
"Yeah." She smiles, releasing the girl's hand so she can go torture her other sister.
"Hey, we're gonna eat...!" the girl yells, her voice diminishing as she runs back.
"I heard!" Nozomi snaps, her voice also distant.
The place we are going is apparently one Hikari and her sisters frequent on trips such as these, for Kodama runs ahead, pushing open the door of a small quaint shop. We arrive soon after, and I see that the primary seating for this establishment is at the long bar that extends from the far wall forming three sides of a large square. There are a half dozen small circular tables scattered about, but these are all filled. In any case, the others find places at the bar, and I join them, hesitantly sitting beside Shinji. While it is dark, and I am dressed as most of the other patrons here, I am attracting many stares. I know from experience this is either because of my hair or my eyes, and I try to ignore it. This is easy, for I am faint with hunger.
"Red miso with fried yuba," Nozomi says, as she and Kodama fight over one of the menus. There are many lying around, and they both seem to have memorized it in any case, so this puzzles me.
"Yokan!" Kodama exclaims. "The chestnut flavor, and persimmon, and sweet potato-"
"Just bring the variety plate," Hikari interrupts, helping the frenzied waiter, "it's what she ends up getting anyway."
I look at the menu in front of me as Shinji orders, but I don't know what recognize anything on it.
"Don't worry," Shinji says in a low voice, "almost everything here is vegetarian." It is heartening that he saw my confusion, but I still don't know what to order. He turns to the waiter. "Why don't you just bring an order of yuba-ryori," he says, and the waiter nods. "It's a kind of deep-fried tofu," he explains to me. "You'll like it."
When the waiter brings our food, I do like it. I also like the sweetness of the Yokan Kodama pushes me to try. I like all the food, but I find I cannot eat. I have never experienced such a strong negative reaction. I am nauseous, but in a good way, that is the only way I can describe it. Despite my hunger, I barely nibble what is on my plate.
"Want to go out and get some fresh air?" Shinji's expression is worried, and I take my hand from my stomach, unaware I had it had been there.
"Yes," I answer with some relief, and the two of us stand.
"You two have fun." Nozomi gives a not-so-subtle wink.
"Fresh air!" Kodama bounces up out of her seat.
"Stay." Nozomi puts a hand on the top of the girl's head, holding her down.
"Hey...!" The two begin to struggle, but by this time we are already outside the restaurant. Away from the intense atmosphere, I begin to relax. These new experiences, I want them, but it was beginning to be too much. I hope I haven't offended them.
"Are you okay?" he asks, and I realize I have stumbled against him. I grab his arm to stay standing, and brace myself. He might be embarrassed, but I am too weak with hunger to care. "Come on." His smile is surprisingly calm. I know all his weak points, even if I don't use them often. "This way."
We walk down a side street, and within five minutes we are standing before an outdoor eating establishment. It is nothing more than an awning covering a long grilling surface, set against the wall of a building. The man running the food stand is rough looking but has a kind expression.
"Two?" he asks with a smile.
"Yeah," Shinji answers. The man quickly and efficiently sets up an array of bowls with various raw ingredients in them. It is an okonomiyaki bar. I glance sidelong at my closest friend, a smile tugging at my lips as I reappraise him. He returns my gaze with a knowing expression. "I know how you felt, back there," he says, and I can see he is telling the truth. "Sometimes a group can get to be too much."
This is why I am drawn to him. We are very much alike.
He expertly mixes the ingredients, and we share a quiet meal. We are the only ones there, and the man pays special attention to us. This time, I can eat.
"Feeling better?" he asks, as we walk out. I smile, and he holds my gaze for a moment, before turning away, his face red. "I..." he clears his throat, and I wait. He sometimes becomes uncomfortable even now, but I allow for this, since I understand it. "I wanted to show you something."
He stands, and I follow. After a short walk we come to a cable car, which takes us up to a walking trail. Through I am tired and numb from the day's experiences, I dutifully accompany my friend. Trees pass slowly by on both sides as we ascend a mountain path. The air is noticeably cooler when we stop in a clearing, and I am refreshed for a short time.
A wide open area is spread out in front of us, and in the distance a streamer of water diffuses as it falls to the valley floor below. I only have pictures from school books to tell me that what I am seeing is a waterfall. The beauty of the scene is blanketed by all that has happened, and by the underlying tiredness that is beginning to cover me like a cloak, though I know I will remember it with pleasure later. This place undoubtedly means a great deal to Shinji, and it gladdens me that he is sharing it.
No words are uttered during the time we stand watching the water drift downwards. When he moves, turning to go, I follow. On the trail back to the bus station, I manage not to stumble, through my limbs are heavy with fatigue. I step onto the bus, and it has never felt so good to sit down and rest. There are only two others on the bus. I look around, noticing for the first time the Shinji is not beside me, and I begin to panic.
"Here."
I jump when someone slips something warm into my hands. Green tea, in a disposable bamboo cup. I lift the beverage, casting a thankful glance in Shinji's direction as he sits down. Moments later I lower the cup, holding it loosely as I lean my head back against the thinly padded seat.
It's been a long day, and I am beginning to feel the same cloudiness of thought I felt before Hikari asked me to go to the mall a day ago. It is a comfortable feeling, one of approaching nothingness. The duality of wanting to embrace the nothingness and at the same time wishing to stay a little longer in the sea of emotion is a pleasant battle that I know I will continue to fight for the foreseeable future.
Visions of what might await me over the course of my remaining life-span dance through my head, and I close my eyes, welcoming them. My life is preordained, and the slight jostling of the bus driving over uneven road brings to mind being carried by the Commander when I was small. I find it slightly amusing that wherever I am, I find myself in the protective hands of one Ikari or another, guiding me to places and experiences I've never had before.
My eyes suddenly snap open. Abrupt discontinuity of thought and location tell me I have slept. Formless haze coalesces into an oddly familiar pattern, and I wonder why I feel warmer than I usually do. I lift my head from his shirt fleeve, and Shinji slips his arm from where it had been around my shoulder.
"You," he clears his throat and turns a very red face away from mine, "I didn't want you to fall," he finally manages to say. During the remaining four minutes before we reach the train station bound for Tokyo-3, he goes from mortally embarrassed, to desperate, to sheepish, and finally to an attitude of acceptance.
On the long ride back to familiarity, he is almost normal, but there is a feeling of heaviness between us that makes me uneasy. I hope I am reading too much into things. Perhaps the sights affected him as well. He will undoubtedly be back to normal the next time I see him. I feel strange myself, as if emotionally exhausted. More than ever, I want to go back to my apartment, lie down, and think about what happened today.
We exit the train and walk the path towards our separate homes. During the walk, the conversation goes the way it usually does when we are together, and it is comforting. The intersection where our paths will diverge approaches, and he falls silent. Just before we reach it, he stops, and I glance over my shoulder, giving him a questioning look.
"Um, do you want to come over? I'll cook you something."
"Yes."
My answer is without hesitation, and he appears relieved, as if this were some hurdle. I do not know his thoughts, but for me, no matter my mental state, spending time with him is more pleasant than being alone.
Shinji palms open the door, and I pause at the sudden sheer terror that crosses his expression
"Mi-Misato! Weren't you supposed to have night-shift? Not that it matters or anything-!"
"I traded with Shigeru," Misato's bouncing voice washes over me as I walk through the door. Her eyes alight on me, and she homes in immediately. "Oh wow, you look pretty, Rei." She turns to Shinji, who is trying to edge his way to the kitchen. "Shinji, doesn't she look pretty?" I touch my face, realizing the decorations are still there.
"Misato..." Shinji says, warning in his tone.
"Don't worry," she says cheerfully, bouncing over to where he is standing. She extricates some sort of small plastic package from her person which she tries to force into his hands. His eyes bulge.
"-aaack!" he jumps away desperately. "That, that's-!"
"Now remember, Shinji," Misato continues in a mothering tone, "if it's her first time, you have to be gentle-"
"Gyaah!"
He drives her into her room, where she collapses into a fit of giggles, which are audible even after he slams the door. He leans back against the closed door, letting out a sigh and drawing a hand over his face. Although I don't know what's going on, this is undoubtedly what he was referring to when he told me several weeks ago that his guardian was always poking fun at him.
"Sorry about that," he finally mumbles, making his way to the kitchen. I follow, because I know what comes next. At the stove he is like an artist at a canvas, and I like watching him. The ingredients he efficiently retrieves from the refrigerator, setting them out in an organized manner before selecting a knife, the cook's paint brush. In a few short moments his previous embarrassment has disappeared, and his hands seem to work by themselves.
"Is soup okay?"
"Yes."
Over the course of the evening, I am once again forced to note his growing discomfort, but I shrug it off. He often grows uncomfortable over the smallest things, even if this seems different somehow. It is not until he walks me home that I am forced to admit that something is truly wrong.
Perhaps wrong is too harsh a word. He is struggling with something, some decision that he cannot face. Always I leave him alone with his problems, and he seems to solve them, but I feel that this involves me, though I do not know how. It seems I too am facing an internal struggle now. We are at my door, and I am unwilling to let this discomfort hang between us.
"What is wrong?" I ask, wishing more than anything to relieve whatever hidden fear or expectation he has. "We are friends, are we not? Even though I have now become closer to Hikari and Asuka, you are the first. If I had to choose only one, it would be you." My words are sincere and true, but I am unaware of the double implications such a personal statement might have. He leans close to me, and I listen carefully, as it is obvious to me that he is about to whisper something.
As he leans closer, I am reminded of my old science lessons. The human body is analog, not digital, and the majority of the time people use their bodies as if in a slumber. Everything is automatic, the walking, the talking, the doing, all too often people sacrifice their will for a little comfort and laziness. Even I often find myself dazing out, especially during the day-time. However, this is not the daytime. The moon is full, even if the evening sky is only just beginning to darken, and my senses are as sharp and as clear as they ever will be.
Without any warning he leans in. His lips touch mine, and five quick seconds become a full-blown sensory stop-motion experience that feels five times that long. In that interval of ecstasy and shock his strange behavior suddenly becomes clear. He does not want to be best friends, as I have thought. He wants to be romantic lovers.
He cannot, I think desperately. Not with me. I cannot, with anyone. To even contemplate such a thing would be unthinkably cruel. Even with Doctor Akagi putting forth all her effort, I will not survive for two months more, discounting everything else. Suddenly I can't move, I can't breathe, I can't think.
"Good night, Rei." His voice is so tender, full of hope, ignorant of what awaits him. All I want to do is scream at him, drive him away, curse the powers that made me what I am, but I cannot. I cannot move, even when he smiles hesitantly, his eyes full of awe and hope. I have completed him, he is happy, I see that in his expression. Eyes that yearn for more. I do not know what he sees in mine, but it is obviously a happy future, a long peaceful existence after we win the war. A future as false as my body, as empty as my soul.
My strength returns to me. I get up, and run past him. From down the stairwell comes Asuka's voice, but I do not properly notice. "Hey doofus," she says, "what're you doing on this side of town? Misato said you were over here-" I push my way past her, making her back up against the railing. She sees my mental state written all over my expression as I pass. "What the hell?? Rei, what's wrong? Why are you here with-" Then they are behind me.
I keep running. A destination forms in my mind. I know where to go to fix all of this.