A/N: Crow: Hello, everyone! School has begun once again, but I shall prevail! Anyway, here's the next chapter.
Demyx: When am I going on?
Crow: Whenever I feel like it.
-Saix appears-
Saix: I'm going to KILL you!
Crow: Uh oh. You read ahead, didn't'cha?
Saix: Uh-huh.
Demyx: A word of advice for you? Run.
Crow: Gee, thanks. Aah! -runs away-
Demyx: -shrugs- I'll do the disclaimer, then, since Crow is currently fleeing for her life.
Disclaimer: Crow does not own Kingdom Hearts or any of the characters. She has never owned them and never will, so get off her back, lawyers!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last time: Xigbar nodded, looking pale at the thought of having to face a furious Vexen. He summoned a portal and stepped through it with his gun arrows out.
"Well, I'll have to remember to thank him later for saving my life," Colbert said, sitting in his desk. "Go ahead and put Saix on the board, Jimmy." The board was pulled out, and a figure just behind Xemnas lit up. They had gotten the murderous look on Saix just right.
"That's it for tonight, Nation. I've got to go cower behind my desk. Good night!" he waved his arms, and the audience cheered wildly, glad that the crazy blue-haired murderer was gone.
Chapter Three:
"Welcome; welcome!" Colbert cried. The audience cheered. If one was to look closely, one would notice that the audience was sprinkled with Kingdom Hearts characters. Yet no one around them seemed to notice their cartoonish features. Hmm. Suspicious?
"My 13-part series, Better Know A Nobody," Colbert began, "has raised some issues on the 'Organization.' So I will clear that up once and for all with tonight's, unfortunately, very short Word. It is short because the AUTHORESS of this FIC is a really BAD au-"
He cut off suddenly, holding his throat. Mysterious floating text appeared in the Word box.
Shut up about my writing skills, Colbert! said the flowing script. Or maybe Axel will decide to set your studio on fire. . . . Hmm. You know what, that's not a bad idea! Thanks a bunch, Colbert! Watch your back!
For no apparent reason, a blossom of fire burst into the air a few inches from his face. Then it disappeared with a cackle.
Colbert stared at the screen. "That's ominous," he said. "Oh, well. Onto the Word!"
The Word appeared in its box, looking rather miffed at the invasion of its privacy. And if the authoress could tell you how letters appear miffed, well, then she would be a very happy person.
"Fiction!" Colbert exclaimed. "Now, Organization XIII, while very good interviewees, are merely fiction, like, say, Darth Vader." An image of Xemnas wearing a Darth Vader mask blares across the Word box. "But the Organization is more complex than that.
"There are thirteen members, most of them men." The word 'Girls' is shown at the top of the Word box, and Larxene and Marluxia are standing beneath it. "They supposedly do not have 'hearts', per say, but they can feel emotions." There is an image of Xemnas and Saix hugging. Saix happens to be in the audience, and he leaps out of his seat, furious.
"Saave me!" Colbert screamed. Two portals appeared, one in front of and one behind Saix. Xigbar leapt out of the one behind him and pushed Saix into the one in front of him.
"Why does this always happen to me?" Colbert wailed, staring up at the ceiling with a hunted look.
Jimmy walked hesitantly onto the set. "It's, um, it's okay, sir," he said awkwardly, patting Colbert with his clipboard.
"I guess," Colbert sighed. He stood there for a few minutes. "You wanna go get a cappuccino?" Colbert asked, snapping his fingers.
"Uh, sir?" Jimmy said. "You have a show to do."
"Oh, yeah. That's right," Colbert said, wincing. He hurried back to his chair as Jimmy scurried off the set.
"Well, I guess that's it for the Word," Colbert said casually, waving away the box which had stubbornly remained throughout the scene. It had also been stubborn in keeping the image of Xemnas and Saix on screen. Now it reluctantly vanished.
"Our guest tonight is the thirteenth member of the Organization," Colbert said smoothly. "Please help me introduce Roxas!"
The audience went wild as Colbert trotted over to the table where Roxas sat. Roxas was wearing his Twilight town clothes, and leaning back in his chair. He looked rather confused about the whole ordeal, and he was scratching his head with his hand. Colbert sat down across from him, holding out his hand to shake. Roxas hesitantly took his hand, shaking it carefully.
"Welcome to the Colbert Report, Roxas!" Colbert said, beaming.
"Um, I don't want to seem rude, but . . . where am I?" Roxas asked, his entire posture screaming, 'I'm confused and have no idea what I'm doing! And I would like some ice cream!' He rubbed his stomach. "Is there any sea salt ice cream?"
"Why, you're at the Colbert Report," Colbert replied, startled. "Where else would you be?"
Roxas shrugged. "I dunno," he said. "But I was in a meeting with the rest of the Organization when Xigbar summoned a portal and shoved my through, saying something like it was my turn and please don't kill Stephen because he had enough work already, whatever that meant."
Colbert laughed nervously. "Yeah, no idea what he meant," he said, crossing his fingers behind his back. "So tell us, Roxas, what's a typical day at the Organization like?"
Roxas laughed. "Well, it's a bit crazy," he admitted. "Every morning, we get woken up by Larxene chasing someone around the Castle. Usually it's Demyx or Axel, but Marluxia and Luxord have been victims occasionally as well. Then there are regular explosions throughout the day as Xigbar does target practice and Axel sets fire to various things. Then in the afternoon, Axel, Demyx, and I get together to pull pranks. Sometimes Zexion will help us out, but he's usually not into that. Then we'll have dinner, and things will settle down a little. Then there are the vacatations to various places; those are really chaotic."
"So, is it troubling, having a leader with a personality disorder?" asked Colbert casually, leaning on one elbow.
"You mean Xemnas?" Roxas asked, confused. "He doesn't really have a disorder. . . . Is there anything else you wanted to ask me?"
"I see," Colbert said. He looked down at his papers. "Sora," he began.
Roxas stiffened, and his eyes lit up angrily. "What was that?" he asked softly, his voice holding a dangerous edge.
"I'm sorry," Colbert apologized. "Um, BHK?" He looked up in puzzlement after reading the name aloud.
Roxas tensed, and stood up. "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" he roared.
"Um, um, BHK?" Colbert whimpered. He raised his hands over his head. Not again. . . .
Roxas screamed in rage, and summoned his Oathkeeper and Oblivion Keyblades. "I don't care what Xigbar said; I'm NOT standing for this!" he shouted.
The various Kingdom Hearts characters in the audience gasped as Roxas lunged forward, but no one thought to help Colbert. They were all too interested in watching the fight.
After about five minutes of watching Roxas chase Colbert around the table, Larxene, who was in the audience, decided that now would be a good time to call Xigbar. She quickly dialed his number with the specially issued Organization cell phone/walkie talkie she had been given a few months ago. "Hey, Xigbar?" she said when he answered, smirking. "Roxas is over here trying to kill that Colbert guy."
"What?" Xigbar's voice crackled over the phone. "I would have thought that Roxas of all people would be able to handle that crazy Colbert guy."
Larxene shook her head. "No chance of that," she replied. "That guy went and called Roxas BHK. Poor guy never had a chance."
"He WHAT?"Xigbar exclaimed. "Well, no wonder. I'll be right over. But I don't know how I got conned into this," he muttered. "I'm not some sort of babysitter for the guy." There was a click as Xigbar hung up. Larxene smirked again, putting away her phone.
Five seconds later, a portal appeared on top of the table. Xigbar stepped out, looking harassed. "Can't I leave you alone for two minutes?" he exclaimed, exasperated. He jumped off and grabbed Roxas' wrists. "Easy, kid."
"He called me you-know-what!" Roxas protested, his Keyblades disappearing as he struggled to evade Xigbar's grasp.
"What, BHK?" Colbert called from underneath the table. Roxas roared and began to struggle with renewed energy.
"Now what'd you go and do that for?" Xigbar exclaimed, hassled. He summoned another portal in front of Roxas and let him run straight into it. "Go cool off, kid!" he called.
He turned to Colbert. "Now, Colbert," he began, looking angry. Colbert came up from underneath his desk. "I'm not your babysitter. So please, do some research? Any half-wit knows that Roxas hates being called BHK." He turned away and summoned a portal. "I can't be here to save your skin every time," he said over his shoulder, disappearing.
Colbert stood there, then slowly sat down. He looked at the camera and smiled. "Did you see how I handled that?" he beamed. "One hundred percent in control. I seem to be having bad luck with Organization members, though. Put Roxas up on the board!"
The board lit up, and Roxas was added. He was on the far left, and wore his Organization robe this time.
"I guess that's it for tonight, Nation," Colbert said. "USA! USA!" The lights and music played, and the screen went blank.
At the Castle That Never Was
"So, who goes first?" Axel asked. He, Marluxia, Zexion, Lexaeus, Luxord, Larxene, and Demyx were gathered in a meeting room. Xaldin and Vexen had flat-out refused to go next, so it had been up to them to decide who among them would go next. Xigbar had said he saw enough of Colbert already.
"Why are we doing this, anyway?" Zexion demanded.
Axel shrugged. "Fun way to get revenge on each other and scare the shit outta some guy?" he suggested. "C'mon, let's just get this over with."
Lexaeus held out his huge fist. In it were many straws, one for each of them. Since Lexaeus was the most fair, he was the one who held them. "Draw your straw," he rumbled.
Everyone picked a straw, some cautiously and others (coughDemyxcough) eagerly.
Soon everyone had a straw, and they looked around to see who had the short straw. More and more heads were beginning to turn to . . . Marluxia. "Aw, man!" he exclaimed, throwing the short straw onto the table. "Fine," he grumbled, storming out. Everyone else wiped the sweat off their brow, grateful that they had been temporarily spared.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Crow: Well, that's it. This was hasty, so feel free to point out mistakes!
Demyx: What about me?
Crow: Sorry, bud. Marluxia was easier, and seems to be more fun.
Marluxia: Oh, that sure makes me feel better.
Crow: -shrugs- Sorry, I go for the easy when I'm in school; I've got enough work already.
Saix: I'll still kill you!
Crow: Oops, gotta go! -runs away, again-