AN: Maybe I lied about not having new chapters. I dunno. So this chapter will just be real short, not so much a chapter by itself just leading up to the next one and closing up the last.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
As soon as the words left Tony's mouth he regretted saying them, it was a moment of weakness. He had just wanted for someone to understand why he'd tried to eat a bullet earlier that day. Worse than what he had said was what he had done before he remembered Gibbs was still there. Any respect Gibbs might've previously held for him was likely long gone at the point. Great, just another thing I fucked up. Now instead of trying to fix what he had just said he was just sitting there wallowing in self-pity. No wonder Gibbs didn't have anything to say to him. He was probably thinking just how pathetic Tony was. That wouldn't surprise him a bit, because honestly that was what he was thinking about himself.
Gibbs opens his mouth to speak but Tony has no interest in hearing what he had to say; his self-pity had quickly gave way to anger. Realistically he knew none of this was Gibbs fault but he was the only other person in the room and seemed as just as good a target as any for Tony's sudden, if not irrational, anger.
"You probably want to know why I did it don't you Boss? It must be killing you to be out of the loop on this one. But hell, this might as well just be another one of our fucking cases so I guess I can clue you in." Tony says, meeting Gibbs eyes with a hard stare. Usually he wouldn't act like this with Gibbs around, but these were highly unusual circumstances and Gibbs seemed to be taking it all in stride; the man just stood there with his arms crossed as if waiting for Tony to continue.
"I bet you think this started about a week ago, the hostage situation gone wrong. A little kid died because I couldn't protect him but you'd know how that feels." Damn, that was a low blow. Tony actually saw Gibbs flinch a little when he said it yet he couldn't exactly bring himself to regret doing it. "Well, I'll let you in on a little secret Gibbs. It's been going on a hell of a lot longer than that. It's been months, hell, probably even years. I've been thinking about pulling the trigger for a long time." Gibbs actually looks a little surprised at this information. Good. He should be. "That surprise you does it? I bet you'd never had guessed that the same guy who spent most his day throwing paper airplanes like a child came home and contemplated eating a bullet every god damned night. Yeah Boss, that's me. If apologies are a sign of weakness what's putting a gun to your head and being too much of a coward to pull the trigger?"
"Tony, we'll talk about his in the morning, you need to sleep." Translation: I need a while to let that sink in.
Tony's anger evaporates almost as quickly as it had appeared. The cold harsh stare was gone and replaced by a look that could only be described as tired. At least when he was angry there had been something there. Now he just felt empty. "Won't be able to sleep. You've already seen what happens." Nightmares. Lots of them.
"I'm sure Ducky has something." Ducky will give you something that'll knock you flat on your ass.
"Don't wake him up. Don't want to bother anyone else. I'll be fine." Tony says with a small frown. He didn't much like the idea of not even being able to fall asleep on his own. Of course, he hadn't been able to do that for weeks now. The circles under his eyes just kept getting darker and the coffee kept getting stronger. That was just how he did things. I can see how well that worked.
"Just get some sleep."
"Got it Boss." It was said it a quiet mumble; he was already starting to fall asleep. Maybe the sheer exhaustion would allow him to get more than a few hours of sleep tonight. That sure would be a nice change. He leans back on his pillows and is almost asleep once more. Gibbs had taken up his spot in the corner chair once again; it seemed he would not be sleeping at all tonight.
"I've got your six, DiNozzo." Gibbs said quietly, about two minutes later and at first Tony wasn't sure he had heard him right, actually he wasn't sure Gibbs had actually said anything at all. He wouldn't say this to anyone but he was really hoping he hadn't just imagined it. It would be kind of nice to know someone was looking out for him.