Levi had of course had to walk outside and drag that massive, (massively stupid) metal pelican into an upright position, so it could greet customers on the sidewalk (and hopefully make children cry).
He took note of the newest pelican shaped dent on the front bumper of Connie's old, red Isuzu Trooper, courtesy of Sasha.
He grunted as he wrapped both hands around the stupid pelican's beak, and began the process of lifting it up. Maneuvering that huge pile of metal was undoubtly a chore. It was moments like this that he wished he was like he used to be, i.e. in better shape. At least while he struggled, he got to watch those idiots set up camp.
Well, as per usual, they were attempting to set up camp. Poorly.
Sasha had set up their stupid tent poles too close, so the tent looked like a deflated parachute, Connie was busy setting up the camera equipment. Backwards, Levi noted. 'How long before he figures it out?'
A storm of cusses from the camp site gave him the affirmative.
Levi smirked as the pelican was finally upright and facing the parking lot once again. It of course came at the cost of him being drenched in sweat. (Disgusting)He combed his still sticky lemonade hair back with some difficulty and made his way back inside. Time to get back to the insufferable indoor grind.
The fan whirred lazily above in greeting as he stepped across the threshold. Levi dragged his feet a bit before heading for the usual destination. Behind the counter (jail cell). He leaned on the counter and retrieved his flask from the nest, nursing it a bit.
His phone buzzed once angrily from his pocket. One buzz was an incoming text, not a call. He couldn't (didn't want to) deal with a call. Levi looked at the sender. Petra. "Tch. Figures." He started to unlock his phone so he could read it.
Several Car doors slammed outside.
'Hold that thought, Petra.' Levi shoved his phone back into his pocket. The tourists of the late afternoon had arrived.
Of course, after Connie and Sasha had fucked off out by the sound to set up camp, tourists had to come in. They made Pen and Teller look tame. Crappy, crooked parking, the stink of sunscreen, and the biggest tell, their beautifully tragic Hawaiian print shirts.
These factors were always enough to make Levi want to vomit.
In they came, all commenting on the stupid décor like it was the best thing since sliced bread; spreading their sunscreen stink everywhere.
Let's do this.
Levi sighed and fumbled around for his flask. (finally) The rush was over, the tourists had vacated.
They'd all bought the usual shit that tourists buy, more fucking sunscreen, mugs with the island name, shark's teeth, a boogie board, sex wax for surf and skim boards, a fishing pole, and of course, one man even asked if he rented out kayaks. One old hag in particular had asked for lemonade.
It was so, so very tragic that the store was completely sold out.
That evening's particular batch of tourists had actually succeeded in not annoying him as much as usual.
Well, except one kid who had come in with his father. That little guy wasn't looking for a souvenir, he was looking for a new friend. He'd spent at least ten minutes in front of the hermit crab cage, picking the perfect one.
They're all the fucking same, kid. Pick one and get out.
By the time they'd walked out, his dad had spent at least 25 bucks on a bunch of shit for that brat. He'd gotten the Full Animal Care Monty: hermit crab food, hermit crab heating lamp, hermit crab sponge, small hermit crab tank, an equally small hermit crab, despite it pinching him the first time he held it, (good for you,crablet) and even a hermit crab care book (goddamn, kid, you're gonna treat the little pinching son of a bitch like a fucking king).
He'd even had the audacity to ask Levi what his name was, since he wanted to name the crab after the grumpy clerk. 'You remind me of each other!' was the smiling reason.
Fuck that kid.
Levi eyed the ship wheel clock like a hawk after the father and son had waltzed out. 7:50 p.m. Ten minutes, he took a swig of whiskey; eight minutes, another swig; five minutes, two swigs; one minute, another swig; and….8:00pm. It was officially time to close up shop. The one time of the day that was even a bit cathartic.
"Goodnight, fuckwads!" Levi drained the flask. "You are big business' problem now! Suck it!" He flicked off the air drunkenly in the direction of the nearest *Wings.
Levi stumbled a tiny bit as he pounced from behind the counter and viscously turned the corny sign in the entrance window from 'Ahoy! We're OPEN! Come on in!' to 'Avast! We're CLOSED, sorry!'. Oh, Erwin, you pretentious fuck, I'm not sorry.
After dusting everything, cleaning the hermit crab cage, reorganizing the stock, and watering the plants, Levi had just one more job: Clean the dirty old floor. This was in reality, no trouble at all. It was simple as sweeping up, and then mopping down the sales floor. He often got lost in it.
He had just finished sweeping and mopping the floor, when he turned his head and checked the clock. 9:15. "Well, shit!" (He done got lost in it.) A half hour had passed without him even noticing.
The shipment truck had been a no show. If it didn't show up before 9:00pm, the truck would, without fail, show the following morning at 5:00 fucking am. He'd have to not only be up at 5, but he'd also have to stock in the morning. Again. What a pain.
Levi attempted to take another drink from his flask only to find, and subsequently remember, that it was empty. (goddess of alcohol, you're a stingy bitch) He looked out the scratched up door window as he locked up shop.
In the dim light of night, Sasha and Connie had their camping lantern on and were obviously busy not working. He watched as Sasha pulled out the chips and jerky and offered some to Connie, who threw back his head in what was probably laughter. Goddammit.
He peeled himself away from the view before he could storm out there and set the both of them and their tent, on fire. Levi turned and walked back towards the center of the store, glaring at everything, as if he was daring the inanimate objects to be out of place or dirty.
After a final inspection, he deemed the shop clean and organized enough, so he cut the lights and made his way briskly, upstairs. "Another day done." One down, fiftymillion to go
He was on the fifth creaky stair before he remembered the text he had received earlier from Petra. Shit. He didn't normally wait such a long time to text back.
She'd most likely think he was ignoring her, or worse, she'd freak out. That broad took everything personally.
Levi rapidly fumbled around in his pocket and whipped out his phone. Of course, in his fervor, his foot that was supposed to land on the next stair, skimmed it and opted for thin air, instead.
"Oh Sh-" It was a precarious moment, but the likely tumble back down the stairs was averted as he reached out and gripped the handrail. (He must be lucky, today) However, the hand that grabbed the handrail was the same one that he had been holding his phone in. It clashed against the railing and slid from between his fingers. (nevermind) "-iiiIIIT!"
With a series of loud thumps, it bounced down the steps and landed at the bottom with a heart stopping clatter. In three separate pieces. (goddess of alcohol, you are a whore.)
Levi groaned. "….Goddammit" He wobbled down the stairs and grabbed the phone, he checked it over.
No scratches. (Good) No cracks. (Better)
He carefully pushed his battery in before snapping the little plate over it, shut. He then held the power button. "Fingers crossed."
The phone flickered back to life. (Thank god)
Levi turned around towards the stairwell once again. Let's not fuck up that badly, again. The ascent up the stairs was much slower this time. He paid careful mind to his phone, before flicking on the loft light switch.
His room/entire apartment was bathed in the soft glow of yellow light from the single over head lightbulb.
Dinner time.
Levi walked over to the kitchenette that took up a full third of his living space. Which in and of itself was ridiculous.
All it had to offer was one old as balls refrigerator (hobbies included knitting, golfing, long walks on the beach, humming, and making ice as loudly as physically possible at 4 in the goddamn morning), one tiny microwave, one tiny sink, (little bastard only offered cold water) three small cabinets, and two narrow counters; one of which was always in use by his hot plate. (Cuz who in all sweet fuck needs ovens? Or burners?)
He glared at his humming fridge and opened the door with a sigh. "Hrm…"
The refrigerator was not forthcoming with bounty today. He had a single depressing lemon, a week old pot of chili, and some leftover crab meat.
"Right then." Levi reached in and grabbed the pot of chili. He set it on the counter and removed the lid and took a very cautious whiff. Wow, ok, it still smelled absolutely amazing.
The fridge had clearly bestowed the gift of eternal life to this chili.
The delicious smell was more than enough confirmation for him. Levi calmly spooned a hearty helping into a bowl he kept in one of the cabinets and popped it into the microwave. He placed the pot back into the fridge, wondering just how long that stuff was gonna keep.
While he waited for his dinner to heat up, Levi pulled out his abused phone and checked the screen.
Damn, he must've been more liquored up than he'd originally thought. He'd never noticed the phone going off...six separate times. He scrolled down the menu. Six texts. All of course, from Petra.
Levi groaned inwardly and started reading.
-Petra Ral- Sent 5:15PM, JUNE 28
Hey Levi, I rly need to talk with u. If u could txt or call me that wud b great.
-Petra Ral- Sent 5:28PM, JUNE 28
Hello?
-Petra Ral- Sent 5:51PM, JUNE 28
Levi, hello? R u ther? R u ok?
-Petra Ral- Sent 6:15PM, JUNE 28
Levi, ansr pls.
-Petra Ral- Sent 6:37PM, JUNE 28
geez Levi pls dont ignore me!
-Petra Ral- Sent 8:54PM, JUNE 28
R u drunk again?
"Ah, for fuck's sakes." Levi angrily began to text back.
JESUS H CHRIST, Petra, I'm here. I'm not fucking drunk, I'm just busy. I work the shop on Sundays. You know that. I'll call you in a bit, I'll be out of the shower in ten.
He sent the message just as the microwave finished nuking his chili. The smell was divine. He'd actually gotten this particular recipe from Kenny. It had curry powder in it, which while adding a slight kick, also made for a savory flavor.
He blew on his first spoonful, and then placed it in his mouth. Levi found that the food was, as usual, hotter than molten lava. (Thank you, overachieving microwave) Thinking in the best interests and well being of his mouth and tongue, Levi opted to go ahead and get a quick shower in before digging in.
Ah yes. The shower. (The war zone.)
Levi made his way as quietly as humanly possible over to the bathroom door. He didn't want to spook his quarry early. Once he positioned himself in front of it, he placed his hand on the doorknob, heart racing. Now or never.
"AHHHAAAAA!" Levi yelled drunkenly and loudly as he swung open the door so fast, it hit the wall with a loud crack that resounded like thunder in the tiny bathroom. He reached over and flicked on the light switch.
The desired effect was given.
The spiders in the shower cubicle froze in terror. 64 tiny eyes all looked up at the terrifying and wild eyed monster that had come exploding into their bathroom. All they could see from their low angle was his face over the lip of the toilet.
Once again, spiderkind remembered….The dread that was life under their rule….
…If only spiders could scream…
"You thought you could keep getting away with spreading your FILTH, DIDN'T YOU?!" He lept over to the shower. "Ohhhhh, no! NO NO NO NO!"
The spiders scattered, all heading for different cracks in the floorboards.
"Shit! You COWARDS!" He scrabbled after them, but in this state, he was nowhere near fast enough to actually catch and kill a single one.
The spiders had made it to safety. For now.
Levi grumbled a bunch of nonsense syllables as he reached forward and turned the shower tap to as hot as the water could go. At least these spiders weren't germy or poisonous. That was really his only consolation. While he waited for it to heat up, he undressed and neatly placed his (folded) his dirty clothes into the hamper. He removed his gauges, too. The need to clean his ears was dire, god forbid they start to stink.
He tested the water. It was letting off steam at this point, and felt wonderful on his hands. Levi quickly stepped in to the shower with purpose. He couldn't linger. As soon as the heat came, it was gone in seconds. (Erwin and his wonderful spending at work again, on an energy efficient, solar powered, 2 –whopping-gallon water heater.
After a vigorous scrub down to rid himself of the lemonade stickyness, Levi quickly shampooed and rinsed his hair.
Of course by now the water was freezing cold.
He turned off the spray and grabbed a towel from the rack. He shivered a bit as he quickly toweled himself off and stepped back out into the living space. The humid, hot air was for once, a relief.
Maybe his balls would actually stop playing hide and seek.
Levi walked casually over to the kitchen naked and flipped open his phone. Ah, bachloer life.
-Petra Ral- Sent 9:34PM, JUNE 28
Levi, ur so mean, u rly had me worried. Forget it. Im coming 2 the Garrison tomorrow 4 some stuff neyway tht Oluo needs for remodlng th babies' room. I'll tlk 2 u tomorrow wen ur sober. (You better b) :[
Oh yeah, he had forgotten about Oluo finally succeeding in getting her pregnant. They'd been trying for years. Ever since they got hitched in the first place, they'd said they wanted kids. He'd never understand why. Screw babies.
The fact that Petra was stopping by for baby room décor, (At a tourist shop? Pfffft.) tomorrow, though, raised many red flags. The whole plan was an obvious lie. She just wanted to check in on Levi.
'Of course.' Levi huffed and began to wolf down his chili. While he chewed, Levi mused on the Petra situation. Petra could be worse than Mikasa, the main difference being, Levi was annoyed far quicker by the former. He was less than looking forward to her visit the next day. Perhaps, he could pretend that the store was being fumigated, no, he should just actually burn down the store (go home mind, you're drunk).
The spoon scraped the bottom of the bowl.
Levi took the bowl into the kitchenette and washed both it, and the spoon; then returned them to the dark cabinets from whence they came. He padded over to his dresser and rummaged around for some boxers and sweat pants. Once he found a pair of each that he deemed suitable, he slipped them on and sat on his bed. He glanced up with a mad squint at the light bulb hanging above his room.
"That shit's gotta stop." Levi left his phone screen on as a beacon. He then got up from his bed, walked over, and flicked the light off. The quick trip was a success. The only light in the room came from the bathroom fixture, which gave the room a weak illumination akin to a dimmer on a regular light switch.
Levi sat back down on the bed and grabbed his piece and lighter in each fist, from the window sill. A quick inspection affirmed that there was still plenty inside the bowl to smoke. (relief) Levi tapped off the burned bits into the trashcan beside his bed. He calmly lit the bowl and took a hit. The smoke filled him to his core, both burning and soothing him.