Title: Indecision (3)
Author: Yih
Written: June 2001
Dedication: To those that suffered during tropical storm/depression Allison. (God bless you!)
Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.
1-3: Stopped Heart Not Beating
Even Asuka felt the unmistakable pull of something special that was in that simple, deceiving look. But there had definitely been more to it than just the straightforward action that it appeared to be. It made her smile inside to have such a connection with him. She hadn't felt this way before, it was new and slightly alarming, but she liked it. She had known for some time that her feelings were only negative ones about Shinji; she had a few positive ones she had kept to herself since Third Impact had come and gone. She wondered if he might feel the same way.
It was then that she caught him glancing away from her and focusing on Rei. She felt a deep anger rising up that came from the burning fiery core inside of her. She didn't want to admit it, but she was getting extremely jealous of wonder girl's relationship with Shinji. It wasn't that she wanted a relationship with Shinji, though she did admit, she wouldn't mind having one with him. She just felt that Rei was an outsider; and hadn't she been there from the very beginning? She should have been the one that had gotten closer to him over the summer, not wonder girl. But somehow, wonder girl had been able to get closer to Shinji than what she had ever accomplished.
She even considered that a relationship might be a plus if it would stop the progress of his and Rei's. She almost didn't believe she thought of Rei as Rei. It was almost impossible to believe it, but wonder girl wasn't so much of a doll anymore as she was slowly becoming a real flesh and blood person. She didn't even hold a grudge against her anymore about their first meeting. But she was afraid to show this side of her to Rei. She thought it made her seem weak, and she wanted to be anything but fragile in front of Rei. She was scared that maybe she might end up liking Rei at least as a person if not as a friend. She knew Rei was never going to be a close girlfriend, too many things had stood in their way. They knew too much damaging information about each other, and Shinji stood in the way as well. She wondered if Rei--wonder girl really had feelings for Shinji, and if she knew that Asuka preferred that he not have any for her. It was something she was always thinking of, contemplating. She assumed that Rei knew from what she had overheard in the conversation between the two of them this morning.
If anything, she knew that Rei was a very discerning creature. It wasn't a big surprise for her to find this out; she had always thought Rei was an observer. She knew that she liked Shinji more than she wanted Shinji to know, and she certainly didn't want Rei to blurt that out. If she didn't know better, she could almost believe Rei was supporting her relationship with Shinji from the way they had exchanged words earlier. That she knew Rei didn't support wholeheartedly because she had seen the way Rei glanced at Shinji when she thought no one was looking, like the way she's looking at him now. But who was Shinji looking at like that?
Asuka met his deeply troubled eyes with vaguely cloudy eyes, her mind caught up in her thoughts. She was shaken to find that his eyes were on hers and not Rei's. She didn't think Rei was mad, Rei hardly ever showed a tremble of emotion. She was as different from Rei as the sun was of the moon. She breathed in deeply to gain some time to clear her thoughts of what she had just been thinking of. She felt as if she were on fire as his eyes didn't try to hide the reason why he was staring at her so openly. He was studying her with the warmest expression she had ever seen on any person's face. It was the way that she'd have liked Kaji to stare at her. She expelled the oxygen slowly, and she hoped it was even. She didn't want anybody to suspect anything. That's the last thing she needed right now. Maybe she might be able to help Shinji in the kitchen to prepare for dinner. There was a place they got along fabulously and where she felt superior to Rei in the his presence.
She stared back at Shinji with veiled eyes, every emotion that she felt for him wiped from sight. She thought her expression was kind; he thought she was going to bite his head off and call him 'hentai' for staring at her so openly in front of everyone. He didn't know why he was having such similar responses that he normally only had for Rei, a tenderness. But it really wasn't that surprising before Rei had come to live with them, a few days before he had even dreamt of having something with Asuka. He had since abandoned those childish fancies and hadn't thought back to it 'til now. Asuka had withdrawn into herself, and he had no longer felt close to her 'til now.
He wondered what had brought about the change in his mind. It couldn't have been from this morning, so it must have always been there. Or somehow in the simple gaze they had shared, it had opened up memories of their survival of what they had been through. He had never felt such a torrent of emotion as he had felt those several weeks after the end of Third Impact. He remember she had been angry more often, just like the weeks leading up to Third Impact, which might be why he was thinking these thoughts. The instances were so similar.
But maybe the cause of the anger was just Kaji and Misato's pending marriage. He hadn't even stooped to consider that it might possibly be because Rei and him might be the reason because how much closer they had grown during the summer. Now that he considered that as the potential explanation for her bursts of short temper, it made more sense than the other one. Kaji and Misato's relationship had just been awaiting the next step, all of them knew it. He even recalled Ritsuko toasting them: "It's about time! You two made it through hell, and it still took you years to tie the knot!"
So if the second reason was the real reason, that meant Asuka liked him. It was almost was impossible to believe. He imagined that Touji and Kensuke would be on their knees with laughter, pointing their fingers with disbelief. The nagging feeling that it was true didn't stop bothering him. He hoped it was just his imagination that this was all occurring, he didn't want to have to hurt the two most important influences in his life. And if he wasn't dream or making this up, that certainly would be the case.
It hurt his head to think of such a complicated matter, he had vowed to himself if everything after Third Impact had Asuka or Rei in it, he wouldn't think of what might be and be thankful for what he had. But he had both of them, and he knew he had feelings for both of them. He just didn't think they felt the same for him. He knew now that Rei felt something for him, and with the look he had just exchanged with Asuka--and sweet past memories, it wasn't hard to believe that the impossible might be true--that Asuka liked him, too. He didn't want to have to make up his mind and just choose. He wanted to be close friends with both of them, hoping one day the might become good friends with each other as he was with them. He just never imagine that either of them would want him as anything more.
"Ikari Shinji!" the sensei sharply interrupted his thoughts. "Get back to work!"
Shinji stared at the blank sheet of paper and felt the walls of his brain begin to crumble. He wanted to know why life was so stressful. He needed to know why fate had exceeded all his expectations once again? Not only did he have the two most important women in his life right next to him, left and right, he now was pretty sure they both returned the favor of his feelings for them. He wished they didn't. He sincerely wished they didn't. He had never expected much in his life, he was just plain Ikari Shinji, the short, brown-headed boy with average intelligence that just happened to be an Evangelion pilot.
He hadn't even wanted to do it in the first place. He had run away from his duty at the time of mankind's greatest need for his own selfish reasons. He knew he wasn't special; and he didn't deserve to be thought of in that way. Rei, Rei had been so brave and dutiful! Fulfilling her purpose, and in the end it had been for no good, but she had come back more beautiful than ever. Asuka, she had done the extraordinary! Coming out of comatose and battling NERV! And all he had ever done was run from the fight that he was needed in.
"Ikari Shinji!"
"Hai, sensei?"
Shinji turned around, looking side ways, wondering who had answered for him. It was when he reached back into the log of his hearing memory, he remembered the sound coming from the left side of his brain. He slowly shifted his head toward the distinctively feminine voice; Rei had answered for him. He glanced back to the stormy expression on the sensei's face and knew without a doubt that he wasn't pleased.
"Ayanami… Rei," the sensei said, looking up from the seating chart, "could you explain to me why you answered for him?"
The whole class stared at her with their undivided attention, most of them fascinated by this show of clear of something out of the usually passive Rei. She opened her mouth, about to say something, but she closed it and set her pencil down. She folded her hands into her lap, and moved her head to face the window. When the sensei asked what she was doing, she didn't reply, just thought of what she could say to the sensei to defend Shinji to the best of her abilities.
The sensei was about to order the class to return to their studies when Rei spoke, "I have my answer for Ikari Shinji." A few people moved to get a better look, waiting for something totally unexpected. "It is because he was preoccupied by thoughts."
"Okay," the sensei replied, "class get back to work."
Shinji wore a smile of gratitude as he threw Rei a thankful look. Asuka secretly was irritated beyond anything she had ever experienced before by this blatant show of defense for Shinji! She knew that everyone would have Rei paired up with Shinji now, thinking how could they have not known that the two were so obviously going out together? She needed to talk to someone about these feelings that she had. But who to go to was the problem.
"I need some help with these problems," she heard Shinji whisper to Rei, trying not to draw the sensei's attentions. She couldn't believe it! Shinji always went to her when he had problems with homework, but now he was turning to Rei!? It was exactly as it had been before, a doll was replacing her again! First her mother, than now Shinji! Even if Rei was a rehabilitated doll, she had still been a doll! Why did she always lose to inanimate objects?
Rei nodded and began to show him how to do it with a simple execution that left no steps out, showing everything clearly and exactly as Asuka had always shown Shinji.
Author's Note: I'm trying to keep this open ended. It may very well turn out to be a Rei x Shinji fic. Though I'm not sure, I'm biased towards Asuka x Shinji, though I do think Rei x Shinji isn't totally unbelievable! I actually like different pairings, so we'll just have to wait and see. Though I think I'm leaning toward R x S just cuz I've got 2 fics (both unfinished) with S x A. Please review, it means a lot to me! Thanks for reading.