Ruminations of Conrad the Ninja

3. Coming Back from the Dead

Several weeks ago, many people on the planet Earth began celebrating the holiday that they call Easter. The point of said holiday is that at one point, some guy died, then came back from the dead three days later. It caused waves in the local community!

I definitely identify with this holiday, because it happens to me all the time! I die, but then I come back to life. Or I'm magically saved by some supernatural being. Or everyone thinks I'm dead but I'm not, I'm just in some foreign country stirring up crap and causing a ruckus.

That reminds me, I need to let everyone back home know that I'm still alive. Hi, mom!

But where was I? Oh yes, Easter. It's all explained in some book they like on Earth called the Bible. Don't bother reading it though, it's pretty damn boring most of the time. But what I don't get is, what's so special about dying and coming back to life? I mean, doesn't this happen to everyone at least once?

I threw my friend Josak off a cliff once, and he magically came back from the dead! Another time, my younger brother died, but HE came back to life. My boss dies and comes back to life all the time. Don't get me started on my old teacher, Gunter. He does it on purpose, just for fun, so he can dress up like some skanky doll and fly around shooting lasers out of his eyes.

My point is, dying and coming back from the dead isn't really worth celebrating. It's a rite of passage that everyone must go through. And if you're awesome, like me, it will probably happen to you dozens of times. Don't be afraid! The best part is when you get to present yourself to everyone who assumes that you died, in the middle of a huge arena or at a funeral or whatever. Then they all scream your name and run towards you and hug you and give you ice cream and cry. Then you'll feel really awesome.

But don't die on purpose. Suicide is never the answer! There are prevention hotlines for that kind of thing. If you're getting the urge to off yourself, call them instead. Because one of these times you might not actually come back, and then what will you do? Well, you'll just lay there, 'cause you'll be a corpse. And that's no fun, I imagine.

I mean, I've killed loads of people and made 'em into corpses, and they rarely look like they enjoyed it.