A/N: Thank you so much to your great reviews. I love, love, LOVE knowing what you guys think. This story means a lot to me, and I really want to know what you guys think. EmmaleeWrites05... get better soon!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D

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Disclaimer: The ideas are mine, but that's pretty much it.

EPOV

The next few weeks passed with a ridiculous amount of tension, self-loathing, and desperation on my end. Each day was like a new and fresh form of torture, and it got worse and worse as time went on. I was fucking miserable.

I couldn't go anywhere without feeling the pressing guilt that followed me. No matter where I went: work, home, even to mundane and neutral places the grocery store, I was trapped with either the person I wanted, the person I was bound to hurt, or places where everything reminded me of them.

I didn't know what to do. It's not like I had anyone to talk about it with. My parents were the ones who always taught me that homosexuality was wrong. They never sat me down and told me that it wasn't okay, or that I would burn in hell if I were gay, but I saw their attitudes towards "those gay people," as if they were a different classification of human being, and heard the things they whispered if a same sex couple walked by holding hands, and so I knew what they would think if I came out to them. I had been trained all my life to think it was some sort of deformity, or perhaps an unconscious decision that could be reversed in certain situations. They always voted for the political candidates who believed in one man, one woman marriages. They would never, ever understand.

My head and heart were pounding on Friday night when I came home. Bella was out for the night; her editor and good friend Alice was dragging her to a new club opening for their monthly unoriginally titled "Girl's Night Out." I was glad that Bella was going out, not just because it meant I had time to myself without the overwhelming remorse I felt when I saw her, but because I knew I hadn't been the best of company over the last month or so, and she deserved to have some fun.

Was it really bad that I hoped she met someone new tonight and realized what an ass I was, and that I wasn't worthy of her? I knew all too well that I wasn't.

I had considered ending it countless times. If I continued to be with her under these false pretenses, it would make me the worst person in the world. And she deserved everything. She deserved the world, and I couldn't give it to her. The longer I was with her, the worse it got.

But I also didn't know how to end it. What to say? How to do it? The very last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, and no matter what option I chose, I was hurting her. Deeply. Fuck my life.

I stretched out on the couch and propped my head up on a pillow. Staring at the ceiling seemed to be my newest hobby. It was blank and white, just like I wished my brain was. I concentrated on the texture, not finding any patterns, and trying to blank out my mind. God knew alcohol never helped. I let the TV drone on in the foreground, not even registering what was on, and shut my eyes.

I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, my cell phone was buzzing beside me. Fuck. Tanya.

Tanya was my parent's idea of a good wife. The way my mom, Esme, viewed it, Tanya and I would make pretty babies together, and she saw no such thing in Bella. I hated to tell her I didn't really have the desire to make pretty babies with anyone, although I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be a father someday. Tanya was the daughter of a fellow doctor with my dad, Carlisle, and they spent a lot of time together, plotting our wedding. They never took into consideration that I had Bella in my life.

Tanya was also one of my closest friends, sweet and beautiful and lovely in all possible ways. She was easy to talk to and always listened. I knew she always had feelings for me, but we'd remained friends despite her hinting left and right about us being together. And above all, she was stronger than I was, and right now, I needed strength.

"Hi Tanya," I said.

"Edward," she said excitedly. "How are you?"

I sighed. What should I tell her? I couldn't tell her everything, not right now. But I had to tell someone something, the truth that I was being eaten alive by guilt. "I've been better," I admitted.

I could hear her settling into her chair, or maybe her bed. "What's up?"

"Just work stuff," I said. It was sort of the truth. "It's been getting to me lately."

"Edward, I know you're lying to me." Right there, hitting the truth in the head, as always.

"I know I am… I just can't talk about it right now," I sighed.

"Well, maybe I can help you out. I'm coming into town in a week, and I want to see you."

For the first time in a long time, I genuinely smiled, and felt a twinge of happiness. I allowed myself to feel it, and let it spread. I was going to see my friend, and for once, I didn't have anything to feel bad about.

"That's great! When?"

"I have a conference in Tacoma, and then I'll stick around for the weekend. And I expect you and Bella to be out and about, and ready to go!" she said with laughter in her voice. "The more the merrier."

I laughed with her, feeling free just thinking about her visit. Tanya and I grew up together, and were thick as thieves before I met Bella. Moving to Seattle had limited my social life, and I really didn't have many friends outside of the office, the primary one being Emmett, and even then, we'd never even hung out after work even for drinks. Everything was about Bella.

I needed to get out more.

Tanya and I talked for a little longer, and I could tell she was trying to get something more out of me without arousing my suspicion. But I kept my voice neutral and didn't give her many details, and she backed off.

"So I'll see you in a few days," Tanya said finally, and we agreed to talk again soon to iron out details.

I felt oddly comforted after we hung up. For once, my mind wasn't turned to darker things, such as my fate, which Jasper and Bella both seemed to hold in their hands. I relaxed and fell into a dreamless, blissful sleep, for once not haunted.

I awoke when Bella stumbled into the house, clearly uncomfortable in the heels Alice insisted she wear, and more than a little tipsy.

"Edward?" she slurred in her drunk stage whisper. "Are you there?"

I sat up, and had to laugh at her general state of disarray. Apparently she'd had fun at the club.

"I'm right here, honey," I said, and she let a stray, random giggle escape. "Did you have fun with Alice?"

"Yes," she said with wide eyes and an even wider smile. She kicked off her shoes, rather clumsily, and then jumped into my arms, straddling my lap. I fought against the instinct to stop her. There were so many reasons why this shouldn't happen now. But she was just too cute and happy, and I couldn't help but enjoy the moment. "We had many drinks, and we danced," she said dramatically, and leaned forward to kiss my neck.

"Oh yeah? What kind of dancing?" I asked, amused.

"Mmm, the dirty kind. I'm sure I'll be mad at myself for telling you that in the morning, but right now, I just don't care," she said, and then burst into laughter at herself. I couldn't help but grin at her.

I hugged her tightly to me, and realized that my best friend and best source of comfort was here in my arms, even when the reason I needed comforting was my crushing guilt for treating her bad. Having her in my arms made everything better somehow. The world could come crashing down, but Bella would hold me whole, even as I was being ripped apart by feelings I couldn't even begin to organize and deal with.

It made no sense.

Bella continued her ministrations on my neck, and I let her. She was good, I had to admit it. I hated that I felt no chemistry between us when she so clearly did. She imagined fire and passion where I felt warmth and no heat; it was pleasant, but there was nothing there for her.

"Edward, I missed you tonight," she moaned, and ground herself in my lap. I knew what she wanted, but for many different reasons, I didn't feel right giving it to her; not now, not in my fragile state of mind.

"Tanya called tonight," I said. She pulled away and frowned.

"Why?" Bella had never been a fan of Tanya, and I knew it had everything to do with what my parents wanted her to be, rather than who she really was.

"Because she's my friend, and she's coming to town and wants to see us," I said with a frown. "Don't be jealous, Bella." Because really, Tanya was about the last threat to our relationship possible.

And my black mood was back. God, I hated being so emo all the time. It was really fucking annoying.

"Whatever," Bella slurred, her eyes still unfocused from her alcohol. "Maybe Alice was right about you after all," she added cryptically, and then wobbled into our bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind her. Great. So I had to sleep on the couch tonight.

It was just as well. Even if Bella forgot she was mad at me for three seconds, I would still be mad at myself, and that was just no fun. I stared at the ceiling again, hoping to make new patterns in the ceiling.

BPOV

I grunted in frustration as my clothes refused to fall off when I wanted to. In my inebriated state, I knew I wasn't thinking straight, but I also didn't care.

I hated Tanya. I knew that Esme was plotting Edward's wedding with her, and that shit just bothered me. That blonde idiot didn't love Edward like I did, and she never would. No one was better for him than me. I knew that, somehow, deep down. And I didn't care what other people kept telling me, no matter how I was currently feeling for the almost-stranger in the club.

Alice, for one, was really fucking annoying when it came to telling me that Edward was no good for me. "I'm sure you love him, and he loves you," she said in her sweet voice. "But really, Bella, don't you see that there is nothing between you but history?"

"What do you mean?" This new club was noisy, and I was having a hard time concentrating on what she was saying, let alone letting it have impact on me. This wasn't exactly the best of places to be having a heavy conversation.

"I mean… I've seen you guys together. And I had no idea you were a couple until you told me."

"Just because we don't go around making out…"

"That's not what I mean," she said, shaking her head. "I mean, you didn't seem like a couple. I didn't notice anything between you, nothing extraordinary."

I took major offense to that. "Edward and I have been together since we were teenagers! Of course there's something special between us, do you think we would have lasted this long if there wasn't?!"

"I didn't mean to criticize your relationship and what it means," she said, putting a tiny hand over mine. Her eyes were sympathetic and sincere. "I just mean that I don't see you and Edward together forever."

I rolled my eyes now. "You and your 'visions!'" Alice was constantly predicting things, and unfortunately she was usually right. She was right about the success of my weekly column in a major Seattle newspaper, which had led to free-lance work. She was right about me needing to get out of the house a little more often, and I could even admit that she was right about the color of nail polish she'd chosen for my forced manicure today. But I refused to believe that she could be right about Edward.

"I'm just saying…" she said, letting her sentence taper off mysteriously. "Let's dance!"

I rolled my eyes again. Alice was a bundle of energy, and she could swing from an intense conversation to dance party in three seconds flat. She tugged on my hand, and I finished up the last few drops of my drink before allowing her to drag me out on the dance floor.

It wasn't long before we had lost ourselves in the music, and my mind was miles away from the weirdness of our conversation, and all of the troubles of home. Right now, I would forget that Edward had been distant and moody again. That was the whole reason Alice and I had gotten into our conversation in the first place. Edward was driving me nuts with his mood swings, and I was about done trying to figure them out.

"Alice, what the hell is this song?" I shouted as she danced with her hands over her head and sang along. "It's horrible!" I really hated club music.

"I really don't know!" she shouted back, closing her eyes and moving along with the rhythm. I couldn't help but admire how easily she swayed to the beat, seeming to not care if everyone's eyes were on her, because they were. She was tiny, but she wasn't lost in the crowd. I tried to copy her attitude, and found it seductively fun. The alcohol swimming in my system helped a lot, and we danced on and on through countless songs until I felt a pair of strong hands on my waist. Definitely not Alice.

I gasped and whirled around… and suppressed the urge to gasp again. Before me stood the biggest, tallest, and sexiest man I'd ever seen. I nearly swooned as I took in his body clad in a simple snug black T-shirt which showed off his glorious muscle definition and dark washed jeans. His dimples stood out, making an otherwise menacing form seem friendly and genuine. I was ashamed to note that my heart skipped a more than few beats before I stepped back, double-timing to catch up.

"Hello," he said in a husky, bass voice, and I think my knees must have gotten a little shaky because he needed to prop me up again with his massive hands. I tried not to think about what those hands and fingers could do to me, and I shivered despite myself.

"Hi," I said. "I think, before you say much else, that I should tell you that I have a boyfriend. Long term. Committed, all that good stuff." Why did I suddenly feel regretful of that fact?

"Bella? Bella Swan?" he suddenly said, a look of recognition flashing across his face.

"Um… do I know you?" I found it difficult to believe that I might have met this man another time and forgotten him. It seemed impossible to forget a face- and a body- like his.

He shook his head, and gave me a panty soaking smile. "I'm Emmett McCarty, I'm a coworker with Edward. He has a picture of you on his desk."

"Oh, Emmett! I've heard lots of things about you… and not all good." I flashed him a big smile, and he returned it.

"And it's all true," he laughed, and I suddenly felt the need to leave the room. This man was entirely too sexy, and it just wasn't right that I should want him so bad. Every cell in my body was telling me to drag him into an anonymous corner and get down on my knees in front of him.

"Well, uh, it was really nice to meet you," I said.

"Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt you… I couldn't help but come over here, you girls were looking entirely too beautiful to be dancing alone."

Swoon.

"Well, thanks for coming to our rescue," I said, and then I fucking winked. Dammit. This kind of flirty behavior was not acceptable. "I guess I'll see you around, maybe, if you and Edward work together." Yes, Edward. Remember Edward. Your live in boyfriend? Guy you lost your virginity to? Guy you love? Yeah, that Edward.

He shot me another dimpled grin, and I was very nearly a goner. "I hope so," he said, and then he disappeared into the crowd.

My stomach was twisted into knots, and I was having a hard time breathing. My eyes tried to follow him as he walked away, but I lost sight of him, and sighed, turning. Alice was standing in front of me, arms across her chest.

"What in the hell was THAT?" she asked incredulously, although she looked like she was about to start jumping up and down on the balls of her feet at any second. A smile twitched on her pursed lips.

"Um, that was a coworker of Edward's," I said, knowing full well I was blushing. "He came over to say hi."

"Yeah right!" Alice scoffed. "I saw how he was looking at you, and it wasn't for a friendly little chit-chat, to say nothing about what your face looks like right now."

"You're crazy," I said, blushing harder, trying to throw myself back into the music. It was difficult to concentrate on the beat when all I could think of were Emmett's intense baby blues.

"Sure I am," she said sarcastically, and we kept dancing, but we both knew that I was a big, fat liar.

I got even more drunk, trying to drown out the feelings I'd had when Emmett looked me in the eyes, and by the time I got home, I was trashed and horny, and looking for a little release.

Edward had been wholly unhelpful, barely responding when I tried to kiss or perhaps fuck Emmett out of my system. And then he had to go and mention Tanya. That strawberry blonde skank had best remember her place. I wasn't in the mood to be in competition with her. I didn't like her, and I never would.

I undressed shakily, still feeling my head buzz from the loud music and alcohol. I was definitely having issues with my coordination, something I had trouble with even when I was sober. I kicked the death-traps that Alice dared to call "cute shoes" off of my feet, and collapsed onto the bed in my underwear. I was too tired to change now.

And then, just as I was drifting off into a fitful and uncomfortable sleep in our bed alone, I thought about how I wished that I felt weight beside me. Not the lean, slim weight of Edward, but the heavy muscles and strength of Emmett. I buried my head in my pillow and groaned.

A/N II: So, Bella's not as innocent as she seemed... what do you think?