I sit up and sigh. This is probably the tenth time this week. Thing's never used to be this bad. Maybe when I was eight, but I had awful anxiety back then. After that I used drugs for stress though and then after that I met Rayne. But, now it's happening again and I don't know what to do. It almost makes me want to resort back to drugs.
Great, now my head hurts and I'm on the verge of crying and Rayne hasn't even stirred. I can't do this. It was easier when I was just sad or just happy. Now it's unbearable hopping from okay to bad to worse to happy and over and over and over again! I can't deal with it.
I take a deep breath and grab my head. I can't even sleep it off because if I can even get to sleep I wake up from a nightmare! Finally the tears fall. I try my best to keep my sobs quiet and even if I didn't Rayne's a heavy sleeper.
Eventually, I get up. I pace around the kitchen. I sit on the floor, curled up for a while. After that I stand in front of my phone. It's gonna sound bad but I want to call Craig.
Another sigh and I end up spending most of the rest if the night watching reruns of old sitcoms. I did eventually fall sleep, only to be woken up twenty minutes later by a distressed Rayne who was freaking out about how 'if I can't sleep I need to wake him up!' and I just tell him I will next time and that I need to take a shower. I won't.
After my shower and brushing my teeth, I come out to Rayne making a pot of coffee, thank God. I'm gonna pass out. "Ya gonna be alright?" Rayne comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me. "I'm sorry you've been having problems sleeping, Tweek." He kisses my neck.
I shrug, "I'm used to it." I pull away from him. "I g-gotta get-get g-going." He stares at me and even I'm a little surprised. What was that? I can't remember the last time I stuttered like that and I'm not even nervous right now. My hand shoots to my mouth. "I-"
"Tweek, it's-"
"Bye," I grab my case and my coat and rush out.
How embarrassing! And a little bit frightening. What's happening to me? I can't sleep, I can't talk, I'm not hungry. I feel sick. I'm almost shaking and for what? I mean, I didn't get any sleep and I've almost completely finished my coffee. I just got this! And I could have another one.
Oh, my god. I'm going back in time. I'm like I was in elementary school! I'm not completely there but I feel it and it's not gonna be long before I start twitching and screaming and if I start screaming at work I'm really gonna get fired!
They're gonna think I'm crazy! Rayne's gonna leave me! They're gonna make fun of me! I'm gonna be homeless and –
What am I doing? I'm acting paranoid. None of that's gonna happen. I'm fine. Everything is fine and I'm driving to work. I'm gonna eat lunch and I'm not gonna get fired. It will be okay. Rayne wouldn't leave me even if I did start twitching he'd pretend to be my therapist. We'd talk about my feelings and then probably fuck.
When I make it to work I take a few more minutes to calm down in my car and then head inside.
"Tweek,"
"GAH!" I drop all my papers and spin around to face Craig who just tapped me on the shoulder. I somehow managed to keep a tight grip on my coffee however. Yeah, I got another one. But this one's my fifth.
Craig gives me wide eyes and a half smile. "Um…" He looks at the coffee in my hands. I let out a relieved sigh and then drop to my knees to collect everything I dropped. He gets down helping me. "How are you doing, Tweek?" He asks after I almost got everything.
I stare at him and then after a few moments I close my mouth, I didn't know it was open and then I nod slowly. "Yeah, I'm- I'm fine."
"Still drinking coffee? It's almost noon." He points to my cup.
"Oh, uh," I look at my cup. "I didn't get- get g-good sleep last night." I admit. My left eye gives a twitch before he speaks and he stops himself to stare at me. I blink at him. After his eyes get to be too much I grab my papers from him and stand.
He stands slowly and eyes me, "What's wrong?" His voice is suddenly serious. It's deep and it startles me.
Suddenly I feel nervous and I begin to tremble. "I-I-I just- I just think-" I close my eyes. "I d-d-don't- I don't know- I- uhm- GEH!" My heart races and I swallow. When I open my eyes Craig's have softened and he looks more sympathetic which is so much worse!
"Tweek," He says, quietly. "You can come to my office to eat you lunch, if you want." I stare at him with skeptical eyes and then nod. "Sorry for scaring you." He leaves and I chug the rest of my coffee then head to the lounge to make another.
At lunch I'm in Craig's office munching on a sandwich. I give up halfway through though, setting it on his desk next to my water. He looks at the sandwich and then at me. "So, you're first week is practically over. How was it?"
It must've been harder than I thought because I'm freaking out. It's crazy because I have no idea what's sparking this anxiety but it's the worse it's ever been. "It was nice."
"What are you doing after work today?" He asks.
I look at him and his eyes stare right back. Jesus Christ… I swallow. "Nothing. Why?"
"You should come over." He says, flipping through files.
I chew the inside of my cheek. "Wh- For what?"
He shrugs, "We could watch a movie. You said you never get to because all your boyfriend watches is faggy chick flicks right? Well, I love old cheesy action movies and my favorite's Commando," Commando is in my top five. "I have a fifty-eight inch flat screen and I'm tired of watching by myself. You can come over and watch it with me."
I shake my head. "I don't know about that." Craig and I alone in a dark room?
"Why not?"
I sip my coffee and stare at the window. "I have a boyfriend." The last thing I need to do is go watch movies with my ex-boyfriend alone.
"C'mon, Tweek, nothing's gonna happen. You'll make sure of that." He mutters the last part and I almost glare at him. But he's right. Even if Craig does do something as long as I tell him to stop then that's all that's gonna happen!
I finally release my cup from my lips, "Fine."
"Okay, good." He says with a weird smile just making me that much more uneasy about the situation. I could always just say I'm sick. Craig wouldn't buy that. He's seen me and I've been fine all day. Plus he knows I'm acting weird. So if I'm gonna chicken out, I might as well tell him I just don't want to go.
What am I saying? I'm going. And everything will be fine. He said he was asking just as a friend which is odd if you think about it because never were Craig and I ever just friends, if I think about it. Just together and having sex. I mean that's not all we did but it was a majority. Who even knows if we'd work out anymore. Time changes people and I don't know about Craig but I've changed significantly, I think.
Actually, I do know. He has changed. Look how successful he is! He's worked hard to get here. I'm proud of him, honestly.
I grab my stuff. "G-gonna get-get back t-t-to work." I tell him with a struggle to get my words fully through my throat. He just nods.
"If you need me, just come up." He says, not looking up. I just nod and exit.
"You waiting for me?" I open my eyes and turn around. Craig smiles and I smile back. He's got a lot of stuff. Is him leaving early making him behind on work? If it is then why does he keep doing it?
I nod to his question, pressing the elevator button. "You could have came to my office." He informs me. I guess I knew that. I don't know why I didn't want to go to his office. I just don't want him to get tired of me.
I already called Rayne and told him that I was gonna be hanging out with a coworker. He said okay but then basically interrogated me about who it was and how I knew them. I lied and said it was a friend I went to school with. It's a partial lie because I'm not telling him we dated. Why would I do that? But if he finds out he's definitely gonna leave me. Jesus Christ.
Craig glances at me. "What?" He says.
I blink at him. "Huh?"
"You muttered something. I think you said Jesus Christ." Great. Now I'm going crazy! Can't even tell when I'm thinking and talking. No, that's just great.
"N-nothing." I wave him off. The elevator opens and we both step on. I'm a little hesitant when I think about how an elevator is actually made and how many accidents there have been involving them but Craig pulls me on which startles me. I didn't think he'd grab me. He does it gently but still I let out a yelp.
"You'll be fine." He assures me. "There's no way the elevator will break, I promise." How can you promise something you don't know? But then... How did he know what I was thinking?! I give him wide eyes and he shrugs. "You're very easy to read."
That's a fucking lie. I'm not easy to read and I know this because people tell me so all the time! I keep my mouth shut the rest of the way down. We pass through the lobby but not with out Jessica addressing us- or Craig. "Leaving early again?" Craig just nods. "You two going somewhere?"
He stops. "Shouldn't you be doing your job?"
She glares, "There's no one here." She says. The phone rings and Craig smirks. He gives her a wave and we continue on our way.
Jessica is really pretty. Typical blonde, blue eyes, boob job. A nice boob job too. And I've heard she's been here a while. This can't be the first time she's hit on Craig. I wonder why he doesn't go for it. When he said he was too busy working what does that mean? That he hasn't had one relationship after me? That's terrible. Why?
"You can follow me in your car." Craig tells me, heading to his own car. I just give him a nod and get into my crummy ford. So we drive, me significantly behind Craig due to fear of crashing into his billion dollar car and then going bankrupt as I try to pay him back.
After a short drive down town we pull up to a very tall, very fancy looking building with a large gate before the double door entrance. Craig shows me where to park and then we get out and walk up to the gate. Craig presses a button and says something into a speaker. I hear a loud click and the gates unlock. I look at him and he smirks.
He holds one of the large double doors for me. I step into the lobby. It's nice. It's got chairs and couches, a nice marble floor, and bright chandeliers. A nice big mirror with a gold frame on both sides of the room and I think down a hall is a kitchen and dining area, like a restaurant in the building.
Craig guides me to the elevators. He presses the button and we step inside. There's a small scan thing on the wall that Craig presses his thumb against and then he presses the floor. I look at him funny and he just laughs. We start to ascend. I glance at him for him to already be staring at me. "Cut that shit out!" He snickers. The doors open again.
It's dark. I step out and Craig goes to find the light switch I guess. I cautiously shuffle about until he does. When the lights finally turn on my mouth parts slightly.
His living area is a nice big open space. The wall is all glass but it's cover by closed blinds. It's probably a nice view though. He has a huge flat screen hung up on the wall and in front of it a black leather couch with a velvet blanket thrown over and matching arm chairs. There's a kitchen area with a bar and stools. There's a matching dining table and even a piano in the corner.
I turn to Craig slowly, "What. The. Fuck." I give the place another look over. It's amazing.
Craig chuckles. "It's nothing special. Just the pent house." He winks at me. I pretend to gag and we laugh. "You want a hot chocolate?" I nod and pull myself onto a stool at the bar, watching him prepare the drinks. This place is really nice. I watch, intrigued over the counter at him working. He just looks so competent. He's basically perfect. Isn't that what I thought of him when we were younger? Yeah, but now it's even more true. He's handsome, smart, and successful.
He grabs two mugs from a cabinet then fills them both with milk. He sets then in his microwave and starts it. "So, you like it?" He asks.
I nod like he's an idiot. "This is amazing." I give the place another look over.
He smiles, "You can start the movie." He points to a shelf of DVDs and the player.
"'Kay." I hop from the stool and begin to fumble with everything.
Once our hot chocolate is made and the movies playing through previews Craig flicks the lights back off and we settle on the couch. I hug a pillow to my chest and enjoy the beginning of the movie.
About ten minutes in Craig starts to speak. "Is the job too stressful for you?" I look at him by habit and I can't look away.
I know why he would think so. I started and now I've redeveloped my speech impediment and even twitch sometimes. But the job isn't any different than my last, to be honest and when I first started that one this didn't happen. The only thing different is Craig works here. But when I think about that it doesn't make me feel anything weird so it's not specifically that that's bothering me.
I shake my head, "It's not the job." I assure him. "I don't-don't know why I'm like this."
"Are you not... worried about it?" Is his next question.
I'm fucking freaking out! But I don't think I want to know what the problem is. This is me suppressing it and I don't wanna see me dealing with it. So I shake my head.
"Oh." Craig says. And then it's quiet again for a while.
"How c-come you don't-don't like Jessica? She's really pretty." I say. "And she's totally into you."
His face scrunches up. "Ew, Tweek, what the hell?" He shakes his head. "First of all, we work together and I wouldn't date someone I work with because what if we break up?" He starts. "Secondly, Jessica is annoying and a slut."
I bite my lip. "Do you date boys or girls now?" Craig shrugs which makes me wanna hit him because it was kinda embarrassing asking that question just for him to shrug. "What the fuck does that mean?"
He sighs and his eyes come to mine. "It's personal."
My heart skips. Fuck, what was that? Get it together, man! "AGH!" I grab my hair.
"Hey..." Craig takes my hand away from my head. "Don't." He says, simply. I give him wide eyes and he smiles gently. "It's just a little bit embarrassing to say." He admits. "But I haven't really dated anyone."
I furrow my brows. "Since like, us?" He nods, looking away. "Why not?"
He shrugs, "There just hasn't been anyone else I liked how I liked you." He tells me. "I slept with people but I mean, I am a man. They were usually girls just because that was easier to come by but occasionally a guy."
My cheeks heat up and I face the TV, silent. I guess if Craig had broken up with me I'd probably have felt the same way. But since I knew I was gonna break up with him I already was moved on. I mean yeah it did take a while and I thought I'd never find someone like him but then I met Hunter. Worst mistake of my life. Well, top twenty. I've fucked up a lot... Anyway, Hunter was a drug dealer. And I was a junkie. So you can see how that would work.
Probably worst stage of my life. What was I thinking? I was thinking this guy is cute and he has a lot of weed. And I like to smoke weed and fuck. And he says I can get it free. Done deal. I used him basically because he was an asshole and I would've never dated him otherwise. He was really hot though and second best person I slept with. He's second to, of course, Craig. My cheeks flush now. Dammit.
Also, this was shortly after my mom passed and so for comfort Hunter offered me some... Well, he just... He had a friend who also dealed and one night when I was down he said let's try something new. Cocaine. And it just all went downhill from there. Coke became part of the regular schedule. And slowly it stopped being something I wanted, more something I needed.
"Are you okay, Tweek?" Craig's voice rips me away from my memories. "You're shaking."
I stare at him, startled. "Yeah, just zoned out." That's good. I didn't need to think about that.
"How are things with your boyfriend, then?" I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath. "It's just you seem really on edge lately. Like you're overwhelmed. You know you can talk to me. It doesn't have to mean we're together or anything. I just like to know you're okay."
"Rayne and I are fine." I assure him. Now, if only I could convince myself. I need Rayne but lately things have been so rocky. We don't agree, we don't talk, we don't really go out either anymore. But we'll work through, I'm sure. I need us to. If Rayne left I don't know what I'd do. What would be left?
My eye twitches. "Are you sure you guys are alright? Did you hear what I just said?"
I nod, frustrated. "We're fine."
"It's just, you twitched so it wasn't very believable." I don't say anything, just stare at the TV, not even watching. "Is it him or you?"
"Can we stop talking about it?" Craig immediately nods and turns his attention back to the screen.
It seems somehow like that took no time considering how long the movie drags on. I don't even remember it ending.