Beat of My Heart

Part Three

Zoe Rachael

It was all a blur in her head now, first the slight twitch in her hand and then all she could remember was flames, and screaming.

It was always her screaming, that never changed, it was the state of the figure beside her that changed. Sometimes, on her more optimistic days, he smiled at her, raising his body at his own will and simply walking away, but even her subconscious knew it was a lie. For most nights when she turned to him, the damage was immediately apparent. For most nights, her screams continued even after she had pulled him from the wreckage, and they continued after the blast as her eyes filled with tears.

When she woke, the quiet overtook her, and her hand, the one which had caused all the damage in the first place, shook like it was sitting steadily on the ground at the centre of an earthquake.

She knew she didn't deserve what she got, she knew that the lie she was living would eventually catch up with her, but she also knew that for some reason, she could live with that, and she thought it may have something to do with the woman who walked hurriedly into the room, flicking the light on as she did.

"Are you alright." Janet asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and as was usual, talking the blonde's wrist into her grip and feeling for a pulse, timing it in her head. "Sam, you're pulse is crazy, what happened, I heard you scream."

"N-nothing. Dream, that's all."

One thing Sam knew, Janet would never look at her the same way if she knew. Knew that the accident that brought them together was something she was very much responsible for.

"Understandable. You have been under some stress, and been involved in two very serious accidents in a short space of time."

"Please," Sam said, closing her eyes and gently pulling her wrist from Janet's grasp, "Don't remind me."

Being the intuitive person she was, Janet knew there was something Sam wasn't telling, she had known it right from the time they started talking, when Sam averted her eyes when she told her about the original accident in Colorado. "You wanna talk about it?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"Not in this life-time." Sam, despite her words, looked at Janet and smiled, "I need time. Maybe, one day I'll tell you."

The base was busy the following morning as Sam walked across the strip towards her quarters.

Janet had dropped her off on her way to school, wishing her luck for her first day back and warning her not-so-subtly not to work too hard. "And remember, no flying," had been their parting words as Janet gave her a reassuring smile and drove off.

She had over half an hour before she had to report to her CO for her orders, so she took her time walking to her quarters, watching with a wistful eye as an F-15 took off with lightening speed, the sound of its engine reaching her ears just as it reached the horizon, almost out of sight.

In her head, she knew it wasn't responsible for her to ever step inside a cockpit again, but in her heart, she couldn't believe that her dream of leading a squadron of fighter jets into battle, of one day joining the space program and flying away from the surface of the plant, would never come true. She had always been a fighting woman, and she would fight for her dreams.

Then again, it was her fighting for her dreams that got her into this mess in the first place.

"CARTER!"

She heard her name as she walked onto the flight-deck and froze, turning in place. Her CO, Major Kinney was a large man, and though he didn't intimidate her, he tried his hardest to do so.

"Yes sir?" she asked, walking over and saluting him.

He raised his own hand and she lowered hers, "In my office, the Colonel is waiting for you."

Glad she had taken her time readying herself to face her CO, Carter took a deep breath and followed him towards his office.

Inside, in the Major's seat sat an even larger man, this shoulders broad and his head bald, his hat in his lap, his eyes facing the wall just to the left of them, apparently looking over the commendations and pictures obscuring the walls from his vision.

Sam instantly stood at attention as she entered, and went to raise her hand, but was stopped when his voice reached her, "As you were," he said, adjusting his eyes so they were trained on her. "Lieutenant Carter," he said, a smile reaching his lips, "I've heard great things about you. I know your father, he's a great man."

"Thank you, sir."

"I'm Colonel Hammond, I was sent here to investigate your little accident, and I just have some questions."

Sam's eyes almost widened in surprise and fear, but she kept them neutral, "Of course sir. What would you like to know?"

At first, he just stood there, and Sam then discovered that she had actually found a man that she found intimidating who wasn't her father. "Have a seat," she heard him say, and she did, bending her knees slowly until she felt the seat below her. She felt the Major sit in the seat beside her. "Did you find any problems with the steering column before you hit the rock-face?"

Problem with the steering column, she thought, shaking her head internally, More like problem with the Pilot. "No sir, nothing at all."

"What exactly did you feel?"

"Well sir," she began, thinking it through thoroughly before answering, "It was a lot like a tug, like when riding over an air bubble, and you're pushed to the side to avoid it. Or like hitting a slight rise in the road, and the car moves itself to the most comfortable position."

"And you don't believe there was a way to avoid it?"

She thought, of course she knew there was a way to avoid it, but it involved her giving up every dream she had ever had. So she lied, again, "No sir. There was nothing I could have done."

"That's all the questions I have then. Tell your father I said hello. Good luck Lieutenant."

"Thank you, sir."

The Major walked her to the door, giving her orders to assist on the rebuild of the engine before he too wished her luck and sent her on her way.

She walked slowly to the flight deck, her head swimming in all the lies she just told. Wishing she had the guts to come clean, wishing she had the guts to own up to what she had done.

Raymore too was assisting on the rebuild, something she had anticipated but not fully prepared herself for. Though he was her assigned Rio, she had never much liked the boy, and he was that, a boy, only 20 years of age, promoted up the ranks by means not of talent, but of connections.

His father, General Raymore had been her first commanding officer, and she had never been fond of him either, though she knew he was good friends with her father, which really meant very little to her.

"Back at last Lieutenant," said one of the airmen, smiling kindly at her, "Glad to have you back."

"Nice to be back Gerald," she replied, returning his smile.

She heard the snigger of one of the Airmen who hadn't stood to greet her and her gaze flew behind the men greeting her. Raymore stood there, an angered look on his face accompanied by an arrogant sneer. "Yes, fantastic to have you back, Lieutenant. We can't wait to see who you try to kill next."

She could still see the evidence of the crash on his face, one of the cuts still pinkish and leaving a small hairless patch amongst his stubble. She didn't reply, her guilt enough for her to keep her temper to herself.

"What, no comment? Well, maybe your girlfriend in the infirmary will have some answers as to why you can't fly a plane, huh. Nervous tension, sexual tension maybe? She not putting out?"

Sam had known when she had seen Raymore's face upon his release, when he saw Janet sitting on her bed, taking her pulse with her fingertips, she had known that he would bring it up.

Not that it was common knowledge and not that she had even acted as her usual self since her transfer, but some around the base knew of her reputation in Colorado as a womanizer. The military was a rumour mill as vast as the Sahara, and Sam had expected it to catch up to her eventually, what she hadn't expected was the rage that would boil up inside her.

Raymore was the homophobic type, the kind that would spout about how disgusting he thought it was but in his free time, get off on it. She hated that type.

"Well," she said, advancing on him, a menacing look on her face, "Maybe if I had a capable Rio at my back, the flight would have gone smoothly. What was it you were chatting about? Some woman who, I believe, passed out in your bed. Are you really THAT boring?"

He took a purposeful step forward, the Airman at his side catching him by the shoulder, preventing him from advancing further. He took a deep angry breath, "Did you and that nurse get it on in that bed? Oh wait, doesn't she wear a ring? Too bad."

That was Sam's last straw, and she pushed past both the Airman and Sergeant who tried to restrain her and took her first swing right at his eye.

He fell to the ground, chuckling at himself as he wiped the blood from his cheek, "Careful now Lieutenant, wouldn't want to damage that hand of your any more now would we?"

The Airman and Sergeant now had her by both arms and she could hear shouting coming from behind them, but she looked down at the man on the ground, and she knew, although he knew her secret, he wasn't telling anyone.

Immediate regret set in and she stopped struggling against her captors and stood still, allowing the rage she felt to dissipate.

Now, she'd really screwed up.