"Go home," Growled Tony.

"Look I know this might be hard for you one-percenters to understand, but us peasants don't live in magic flying sky castles," Said Deadpool "So either you'll have to waste time trying to find somewhere to drop little ol' me, or we can hurry up and get this team-up going."

"Hey remind me; you're supposed to have a pretty good healing factor, right?"

"For just about everything but pride; yep, just about,"

"So say I drop you from this height," Tony said as he slowly loosened his grip on Deadpool's wrist. "You'd survive, right?"

"After like 10 excruciating minutes of horrible agony, yeah. But I don't think that lady helping that old dude - I'm gonna say that's her dad - out of that car is going to be too happy when 210 pounds of literal cancer comes raining down on her."

"You really think I'm dumb enough to-"

"He's not lying Tony," Friday said as she brought a feed up on Tony's HUD; courtesy of one of his company's satellites. The window enhanced its view of the city until it landed on a red-haired woman lovingly assisting an elderly man out of a beat-up '92 Caravan.

"Oookay," Tony said, slightly baffled by Deadpool's perceptual accuracy this high in the air. Then he carried the merc a few feet to his right. "Then I'll just drop you off right here."

"You mean right on top of that girl scout troop selling cookies for charity?" Said Deadpool. "That's not a bad idea. I actually really need to restock on Thin Mints."

Friday brought up another live streaming video featuring several little girls dressed in girl scout uniforms happily selling cute macaroni paintings and boxes of cookies on a small table outside a market. Next to the table was a cardboard thermometer that kept track of the girl's proceeds to Saint Joan's Orphanage. Tony shooed the feed away as he moved another couple feet.

"I'm dropping you here," Said Tony. "And there's nothing you can say that'll-"

"Carolers? At this time of year? Well, I guess it's never too early to get into the holiday spirit."

"Okay, he has to be lying about that one..."

Friday started to bring up another feed, but Tony quickly dismissed it. Then he lifted Deadpool so he could stare him through the eyeholes of his tacky mask

"Let me make myself clear: I might need help right now, but I don't need it from a psychotic, irritating, amoral, lowlife who'd step on a puppy if it meant getting paid for it."

Deadpool's eyes narrowed in confusion. He turned his head to his left and his right as if he was searching for something. After scratching his head, indentations of befuddlement appeared through his mask as he looked at Tony and pointed to himself.

"Yes, you!" Tony fumed.

"Wait, you think that…oooooh, I get it now." A goofy smile formed under Deadpool's mask. "You got me confused with the old Deadpool. Naw dog; you're dealing with an All-New, All- Different Deadpool. I got a new moral compass, and a new daughter, and new responsibility. And a new wife-"

"And I don't care," Said Tony.

"Oh wow, big surprise: Tony 'Commitment makes me poop my pants in fear' Stark doesn't want to hear about my marriage," Deadpool remarked. "Look, I didn't hop off that roof because I felt sorry seeing you get your ass handed to you by a couple of rejects from the Ms. G.I. Joe Beauty Pageant. I was-"

"I found them!" Friday interrupted. "Stark Satellites place them several miles away traveling east."

"Dammit," Tony didn't have time for this. He tightened his grip on Wade Wilson's wrist, revitalized the rockets in his boots, and resumed chasing his targets.

"Alright! Took you long enough," Deadpool screamed as g-force tried brutally to wrestle him out of Iron Man's hand. He flapped back and forth against the armor like a flag in the wind. "So what's the plan, Shellhead?"

"Tuck and roll," Tony said bluntly.

"Huh?"

With a quick trajectory calculation, and as much strength as he could pump into the suit's arm without diverting power from his jets, Tony hurled Deadpool's miserable carcass through the air like a stone across a lake.

"SEE YOU IN A FEW PARAGRAAAAAAAAPHSSSSS," The Scarlet Merc screeched as he flew headlong into a billboard. He would survive the impact, unfortunately, but he'd also be out of the way; and that's what was important.

Now Tony could focus on the task at hand through. He shot through Manhattan with gritted teeth and a tightened face. As both women entered his sights, he mentally grappled with the urge to shoot them each out of the sky and end the chase once and for all. He knew he couldn't. He was well aware that doing so would put Martin Li's life at risk. But the whole misadventure had gone on for long enough, and the encounter with Deadpool definitely didn't do his dwindling patience any favors. Fortunately, his common sense triumphed over his irritation, freeing his mind to ponder a solution that would end the pursuit.

"Friday, please tell me you found someone who can help out." Said Tony. "Preferably someone who's mute."

"Still searching," Said Friday. "So far, there are no inactive Avengers members currently available to assist."

"Okay, in that case, run a search for-"

"TAGGING IN!"

Instantly, the girls and Li disappeared behind a red and black blur descending from the later, a groaning Tony heard something crash in a nearby alleyway.

"Please tell me that wasn't…"

A new window opened up on Tony's HUD to playback slow-motion footage of Deadpool dropping out of the air, tearing Martin Li out of the kidnapper's arms, diving into the alley, then sliding across the pavement on his face.

"How did he even get here so fast?" Tony wondered aloud. "Actually, on second thought, I don't care. Let's just get Li out of there before he gets hurt."

Tony hummed a few bitter bars of the Happy Birthday song to himself as he descended the suit into the dark dank alleyway. Below, Deadpool had both of his swords drawn as he stared down at the kidnappers, both poised in fighting stances with their backs' to the alley's dead end. But what really concerned Tony was the fact that he didn't see Martin Li slung over the ninja girl's shoulders. That should've been a relief, but with Deadpool involved, there was still an extremely good chance the philanthropist's life was still in danger.

"Ah, nice of you to drop in, shellhead," The Mad Merc said as Ironman landed next to him.

"Stop calling me that," Said Tony.

"It was a stroke of genius hurling me into that billboard," Deadpool continued. "All it took was a bit of creative ingenuity to turn that cardboard supermodel's drinking arm into a catapult of dynamic justice. Great teamwork, eh, old chum."

"Don't call me that either," Tony said. "Where's Li?"

"Don't worry your multi-million dollar egghead about it. He's fine,"

"Define 'fine',"

"He's. Fine." Deadpool repeated slowly for emphasis. "Oh, wait...actually, It'd probably be a good idea to get this thing over with ASAP."

Tony could feel his brow cramping from his anger. "Wilson, I swear: if anything happens to Martin Li, I'm going to-"

"Hold on, shut up for a second," Deadpool sheathed a single sword to silence Tony with an open palm.

"-you're telling me to shut up?"

"Shhh Shhh Shhh Shhhhhhh,"

Deadpool pressed a single finger against the nose of Tony's helmet. The Iron Man responded by seizing and breaking it in his hand. A raspy squeak of pain escaped Deadpool before he turned to address the kidnappers.

"Okay, here's the deal:" Deadpool said through a pained groan. With his uninjured hand, he sheathed his other sword, grabbed his finger, and set it back into place with several unsettling snaps, cracks, and pops. "I've got this huge cosplay contest to win next week and a bunch of ten-ton nerd turds who need to be put in their place. So, I promise to shoot and stab you guys slightly less than I was planning to if -IF- you tell me the name of your tailor, their business hours, and if they can whip me up something by this weekend,"

"Deadpool, stop talking," Tony barked, moments away from just blasting the Merc in the face with his uni-beam.

"You're gonna stand there and lie to me that these aren't the best Satsuki and Enero costumes you've ever seen? They're way better than my M. Bison suit. Which...actually isn't saying much considering that it's just a Captain Hook costume I just peeled off some dude on Main Street."

"Shut. Up,"

"How can you expect me to shut up about these costumes? The props are perfect! The suits are practically 1:1!" Deadpool drew nearer to the kidnappers until he was close enough to pinch and pull at the shoulder of the sword girl's jumpsuit.

"Oh my god...the stitching! Stark, you gotta get over here and feel this mat-"

By the time Deadpool noticed the girl seize his hand, it was too late. The next second climaxed with three of Deadpool's fingers dropping off his hand with a sprinkle of his own blood. The merc wordlessly watched his own digits hit the ground. There was no screaming. Just an icy glare shared between Deadpool and the kidnapper.

"Alright, fine, be that way! I'll just have to drag your amazingly dressed carcass to every costume store in the city," Deadpool pouted as he reached behind his back to draw both his swords. "Prepare your asses for the bloodiest show on earth: Katana-rama! In glorious double-vision!"

With a wild cry lifted from a cheesy old ninja movie, Deadpool attacked the mystery swordswoman with both his blades. Not only did she block the attack with her own weapon, she also managed to knock one of Deadpool's katanas out of his mutilated hand; sending it clattering on the filthy alley ground.

"Aw geez," Deadpool moaned. "I really should've put more than zero thought into doing tha-GOAH!"

The sword girl continued her brutal assault with a knee to Deadpool's gut. The merc doubled over in pain. The girl raised her blade over his bowing form, preparing to decapitate him. Unfortunately, Deadpool was quick enough to raise his sword over his head to deflect the blow. He countered with a spray of blood from his mutilated hand across her face; startling the abductor, and giving himself time to recover.

The fight continued on from there, but Tony had since stopped paying attention. His focus and a primed gauntlet turned to the swordswoman's pink-haired partner.

"Where's Marty?" He growled.

"I don't know. Your friend hid him before we confronted him," Said the pink-haired girl.

"Right..." Said Tony, embarrassed to realize he should've known that already. "Okay, well since you're suddenly in the mood to talk, what's your name?"

"Enero," The girl answered flatly.

"Okay 'Enero'," Tony said, adding a bit of skepticism as he said the girl's name. It wasn't as bad as 'Living Laser', but she still could've done better than the Spanish word for January. Maybe it was a codename. "You mind telling me why you and your friend decided to kidnap a defenseless man like Marty out of his own home?"

"Our mission doesn't concern you," Said Enero.

"Hate to break it to you, lady; but it actually does," Said Tony "See, Marty is a guest at my birthday party. That means his safety is my responsibility. So unless you and your friend want to hop on the next boat headed for the Raft, you aren't getting out of this alley anytime soon."

"That won't be a problem,"

"Yeah? How do you figure that?"

A purple wildfire burst from Enero's pores, shrouding her in a flickering cloak made of her cryptic radiation. The purple flames melted the cold expression on her face, and left only indignation and gritted teeth.

"...that's how you figure," Tony groaned. He knew he shouldn't be afraid of a little light show, but something about the energy coming off Enero filled him with a weird sense of dread. The feeling was magnified with each gradual step she took towards him.

A single bright glowing shot screamed out of his gauntlet, and through the length of the alley on its way towards its target. It was inches away from brilliantly exploding in Enero's face, only for her to tilt her head out of the way just as quickly. The shot blew up the back alley behind her, and her advance remained unimpeded.

"That...was actually impressive," Tony mused as he primed another repulsor blast. "How're you doing that?"

"It's called Psycho Power," Deadpool shouted from behind before grunting in pain. Tony didn't care enough to see why. He was busy pulling up his targeting computer to perfect his next attack.

"Let's see you try that again," The Ironman said, raising both his gauntlets.

A storm of repulsor bolts showered the alley, flying towards Enero. Though even with computer-aided precision, every blast failed to hit her; only her purple afterimages. Even stranger was the fact that she didn't move or pivot to evade the attacks as much as she just appeared wherever they weren't. She was teleporting obviously, but she was doing it faster than anyone he'd ever seen; even Nightcrawler.

Tony was allowed to empty three more shots before there were only inches between him and Enero. He only felt her vice grip wrap around his open palm for a half second before his back smash against the alley's back wall. Not even his suit's shock dampeners could protect him from the powerful kinetic shockwave that strummed his bones like violin strings; coursing a scream of pain up and down his spine. He could hear the sound of bricks crunching and crumbling behind him as his back left a deep impression in the alley wall...or at least, he hoped that sound was the wall shattering. Not him.

There was no time to make sure; Enero was storming down the alley, strewing discarded junked paper and broken bottles all about on her way to finish Tony off. Tony's first instinct was to fly away, but he ignored it, realizing if he jetted out of the deep depression in the wall, his attacker would seize his boot, and smash him into the ground. Repulsors were just as ineffective, especially with her moving so quickly. That left only one other option.

As Tony opened his palm one last time, there was only a second between him and Enero. She reared back her flame-drenched fist, aiming to wreck the arc reactor embedded in his chest. Her clenched hand flew like a rocket towards Tony's breast, then suddenly stopped shy of reaching its target. Rage gave way to confusion as Enero tried in vain to budge her frozen fist with her trembling arm. Then she tried her other gauntlet-clad hand, only to find it had also been ensnared in the magnetic field projected by Tony's own glove.

With a twitch of his pointer finger, Enero was off the ground and dangling in the air by her wrists. Wisps of her purple aura flickered violently as she kicked and trashed against his invisible trap.

"Alright, time to wrap this up," Tony said casually as he pulled himself out of the wall; arm still outstretched.. "It's been fun, but I've got places...people...you know how it is."

Enero struggled to teleport away from the repulsor blast fired from Tony's gauntlet, but the magnetic field held her in place as the attack struck her; only yielding to allow her to fly headfirst into Satsuki. The redhead knocked her partner off her feet, unconsciously saving her from a lethal slash from Deadpool's katana, and knocking her down to the ground. Without a victim to carve, the power behind Deadpool's swords only served to drive the blades into the solid brick wall on his left.

"Hey, maybe a little heads up next time?" Deadpool griped. "I still owe four payments to the infomercial guy who sold me-"

"Stop talking," Tony said, frank as possible. "Get. Li. Now."

"Fine, just let me get my pig stickers out of-"

"NOW!"

"Alright, alright...gaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwd,"

As Deadpool trudged towards his hiding spot for Li, Tony's eyes glanced at the clock on his HUD. There were only fifteen minutes left before the Vermillion's closed. He'd make it, but it'd mean carrying several passengers with him. Along with detours to the Li's home and the Raft.

"Friday, find me the quickest route from here to Vermillion's," Said Tony. "And when I mean 'quick', I mean at a speed just shy of snapping someone's neck."

"Tony, I can't advise that you try to…"

"'Try to' what? What's wrong?"

"Something just popped up on my sensors. It's radiation…the same as Enero's, but twice as big."

Tony set his worn body against the alley wall as another in a long line of loud weary sighs escaped him. He didn't care how filthy it was; he just needed a short breather before whatever was going to happen next. A short while to wonder why all this crap had to happen on his birthday.

"Where?" He asked tiredly.

"Behind you."

Tony didn't even have the energy to feel alarmed by Friday's warning. Nor did he have the optimism to not have already guessed where the radiation was coming from. Irritation and frustration were all that accompanied him as he beheld an inky-black billowing portal mushrooming out of the back-alley wall.

The black hole made an unnerving howl as it inhaled trash and trash can alike with an unnervingly powerful vacuum. It even managed to pull Tony a couple inches towards its shadowy maw before the super-genius fired up his suit's thrusters, and braced himself against its gravity.

"This birthday just keeps getting better and better," Tony muttered.

"I'm also detecting a life sign, and faint traces of Darkforce energy emanating from inside," said Friday.

"Better. And. Better," Tony growled.

The Darkforce was a very dangerous extra-dimensional energy. Whatever it was doing here, whoever was controlling it, Tony didn't want to stick around to find out. Especially with Martin Li's life on the line.

"Friday, analyze that thing. See if we can't find some way to destabilize it," Said Tony. "Deadpool, you better have Li ready to go. We're gonna have to-"

*BLAM*

Tony closed his eyes and dropped his discontented head into his chest. He fought the urge to turn off his gauntlet thrusters to cradle his distraught face as he repeated: "I did not just hear a gunshot. I did NOT just hear a gunshot," inside several angry shaking breaths.

*BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Distress ripped Tony's back open and quickly jerked his body around to confront whatever atrocity Deadpool committed. To his relief, he didn't find Deadpool shooting Martin Li to death. Instead, he found the manic merc straddling a metal garbage bin slowly sliding towards the hungry portal. He explored a verbal catalog of colorful swears as he fired multiple rounds into a heavy lock fastening the container shut. Tony struggled to find even a hint of logic to what he was trying to do until a grim suggestion popped into his head.

"He didn't…"

Tony urgently flipped his HUD to thermal vision while magnifying his view of the dumpster. Nestled deep inside, entombed in what he could only assume was garbage, he discovered a glowing yellow thermogram in a very familiar shape. The second he recognized the shape of the glowing yellow thermogram nestled inside, he swiftly adjusted his jets to barrel himself into the bin. Metal collided with metal with such jarring force, it threw Deadpool off his feet and toppling off the container. The merc scrambled to keep a grip on the lid of the bin while Tony used his adroit rocket boots to slowly push the bin free of the portal's grasp.

"YOU THREW HIM IN A TRASHCAN?" Tony thundered so loud, he swore he could feel his throat tatter a bit.

"Look, it's not like I had a lot of options for hiding places; okay?" Deadpool argued as he worked his way back atop the container lid. "It was either this or the dumpster behind the strip club. We're just lucky we happened to land in the one alley in town with a paper recycle bin."

"He's going to suffocate in there, you idiot!" Tony could feel his fingers twitch as a morbid desire to strangle the life out of Deadpool wafted through his seething mind. If only he didn't have to hold this bin…

"Well yeah, that's why I said we had to finish fighting ASAP; 'member? So hurry up and rip this sardine can open…"

"…so Li can come flying out into a black hole before either of us can grab him?"

Tony watched Wade Wilson's lips press underneath his mask in a rare show of thought. "Oh yeah, huh?"

"How about instead of that, I fly it somewhere where we can open it without having to worry about black holes or super assassins hurting Mr. Li?" said Tony; not even trying to hide the hostility in his voice. Deadpool wasn't worth the effort. "You know, something smart instead of something incredibly stupid."

"Uh…hey…speaking of super assassins; where are they?"

"They're knocked out on the floor."

"No, they're not."

"Of course they're not," Tony sighed.

A glance at the ground vindicated Deadpool and unnerved Tony. Both girls had vanished without a trace. They couldn't have gone very far, and that's what worried him. The portal was brimming with the same anomalous energy as Enero and her companion. Chances were either they'd created it, or they were involved with whoever did. Either way, thinking about it wouldn't do any good. He needed to get Li out of here. Preferably in the next five-to-seven minutes.

"She's behind you!" Friday squawked.

Tony hadn't the chance to process Friday's warning before he felt something seize his leg. A second later, his entire world became a head-rolling blur; only stilling itself to allow Tony to feel the sore spot on his back scream as it dented another wall. The pain and disorientation stunned him for only a moment, but that was long enough to allow Enero an unimpeded advance. Her fist painted a deep purple arc of energy in the air as she bounded towards Tony; poised to deck the Avenger square in the jaw.

That was as far as Enero's assault got before another loud BANG rang through the alleyway. The bullet struck the shoulder attached to her fist, throwing off her momentum while drawing a surprised yelp of pain. Her unclenched fist shot to her bleeding shoulder as she hit the ground; powerless to resist rolling down the length of the alley into the ravenous black hole.

"Got your back, partner," Deadpool said, brandishing his pistol in one hand, and attempting to make a thumb up with his crippled other.

"We're not partners," Tony grumbled as he planted both his hands against the wall to free himself.

"Oh, well in that case…" Deadpool holstered his piece before presenting Tony with an expecting palm. "That'll be five grand."

Tony watched Deadpool's extortive gesture suddenly devolve into a frantic flail of limbs as the garbage bin began to move underneath him. The merc's battle of balance ended quickly as he slipped and bashed his face on the bin's lid. His mostly regenerated hands clung desperately to ridges in the plastic surface to save himself him from completely falling off the dumpster. The acrobatics happened in Tony's peripheral, as he was more concerned with the moving bin. He could feel his heart rate ramping up as he watched it wheel itself and Martin Li towards the black hole.

"...buuuut if you want to just owe me a favor, I just got an idea how you pay me back real quick."

Finally free of the wall, Tony desperately whipped his arm towards the bin and unleashed another magnetic field. The container was barely several feet away from the raging portal before Tony forced it to a near-immediate stop that almost threw Deadpool off the lid.

"Made it," Tony sighed in relief. Residual adrenaline shook through his arms as he started to pull the bin out of danger. "Now to get out of here before something else goes-"

Tony's head jerked as a familiar silhouette zipped out from the corner of his left eye. Before either he or Deadpool could rest their eyes on Enero's partner, a deafening metallic screech echoed through the alleyway as she deftly scalped the garbage bin with her blades.

"Aw, that don't sound good," Deadpool said just a second before the vacuum of the black hole tore off the top of the bin like a fruit sticker; taking the merc with it.

"CrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAP!" Deadpool cried as he tried to jump from the platform. Though his addled footwork only succeeded in throwing the dumpster lid so off balance that it spun around and squashed him against the alley wall like a bug. A defeated whimper crawled its way out of Deadpool's mangled body while the lid happily flew into the mouth of the black hole.

Tony was oblivious to Wade's trauma. The anxiety rampaging through his veins kept his focus locked on the unconscious body of Martin Li; which hung trapped in a cloud of paper rising from the uncovered dumpster. Tony could practically feel his artificial heart disintegrate as he watched the loose-leaf cascade carry the man's senseless body towards the portal's hungry maw.

"NO, DAMMIT," Tony thundered. Every liter of anxiety in his body turned to adrenaline as he punched the armor's thrusters.

He moved fast, but not fast enough to overtake Enero's partner. Her body billowed with the strange purple energy as she kept pace with Tony along the alley wall. Her arm moved to deliver a fatal slash with her katana, but the attack never connected. With a twitch of his own arm, Tony yanked at his magnetic tether and sent the ruined dumpster barreling into the kidnapper. A surprised yelp escaped the criminal she collided with the bin and spiraled backward in the opposite direction. There wasn't enough time to look to see if she was okay. Not when he had barely a second to save Martin Li's life.

Tony felt his jaw tighten as he watched the philanthropist's ankles sink into the portal. At the speed his legs were disappearing through the void, he was horrified to realize he didn't even have half a second before Martin Li was completely devoured. He felt his own pulse threaten to pop his veins as Li vanished with every inch he advanced. The entire alley practically trembled before the roar of the suit's rockets as he desperately chased after the dwindling stubs of Li's fingers. Before Tony could even brush them, the portal snapped shut around its meal's digits and quickly shrank out of existence.

The Iron Man's balled gauntlet crushed the now-barren alley wall; half out of anger, half desperately hoping that he could shock the portal back into existence. He wasn't at all surprised to find just a print of his fist inside the crater his back had already carved out of the wall. He wasn't happy about it either. Being right just frustrated him further.

"Friday?" He said. "Pull up the readings from that portal. Maybe Strange can sort out-"

Tony swiftly rotated, shot out his arm, caught the sword falling down on his head. Powered by the momentum of his spin, his arm delivered a hard slam that knocked Enero's cohort out of the air and flat on the ground. He didn't wait for her to pick herself up before he aimed his free gauntlet on her and put several targeting reticles on his HUD fixed on her position.

"I didn't even pick her up on my scanners," Said Friday. "How did you know she was there?"

"I didn't," Tony said. "It's just been one of those days."

With the girl's sword clenched in his hand, Tony hovered closer to look her in the eyes.

"So I don't know if you've noticed, but your friend just bailed out on you," Said Tony. "And I'm pretty sure she's not coming back. The way I see it you've got two options: either I cart you off to a prison interrogation room, or you can go ahead and tell me right now where your friend took Martin Li."

The girl didn't look the least bit fazed by Tony's words. She didn't even seem like she acknowledged him at all as she refused to look him in the eye.

"I'm going to find out where Marty is either way, but if you make things easier for me, I'll see what I can do to make things easier for you. If you want to make things harder for me, well...um..."

The girl wasn't trying to avoid eye contact, Tony realized. No, she was looking at something. Something behind him. Was it Deadpool...or-

"Tony, I picked up another spike of radiation," Friday exclaimed. "The portal; It's coming back!"

Everything happened at once. The second Tony turned to head Friday's warning, he felt the sword slip free of his grip as the girl bounded over his shoulders. By the time his head finished turning, she had already escaped into the yawning void. Though even more distressing was the feminine arm sprouting out of the distortion, aiming a familiar-looking megaphone at his head.

Tony's eardrums exploded before he could start thinking of how to react. He lost consciousness seconds before he hit the ground.