Chapter 3: the one with all the hurt
BEWARE: RAPE SCENES AND HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENTS IN THIS CHAPTER; MAY TRIGGER SOME PEOPLE
Two months later, Cas and Dean were comfortable in their newfound friendship. Every week on Monday, Lily would sneak through the halls to sit on Cas's lap and groom him, the next week coming to do Dean. They alternated so that she could come more often, all of them enjoying each other's company.
Dean had become more acclimated to the daily life here: up by 8, meetings, art classes, and being sociable all day, lunch at noon, dinner at 6, lights out, and it started over again. He had made friends with Gabriel and Jared, even Chuck became a decent person to talk to (when he wasn't staring at Dean like he was a ghost).
Later that same Monday, just like every week, Dean would sit on Cas's bed until he came back from his meeting with Dr Balthazar and he would rub his shoulders or play a game with him, doing anything do distract the kid from whatever had happened in there.
One morning, Dean woke up with a start to see no Cas in the room. He panicked a little before deciding that the guy had probably asked out to go pee or something. He busied himself by getting clothes together to go shower, before he realized that the rules dictated that no doors were open before 7am, and it was barely 6. (Dean had yet to figure out how Lily managed to slip out, maybe she banged the guard or something).
He pushed lightly at their door, finding it unlocked and propped open. He assumed it was so that Cas could return quietly, and slipped into the hallway, headed for the showers. A bad feeling was boiling in the pit of his stomach.
He heard a hushed sob as he walked into the locker room, the sound echoing off the cement walls. His first instinct was to run to the person, but Dean reminded himself that it could be anyone, not just Castiel. He laid his clothes inside a broken locker and poked his head around a corner to see his small naked roommate crumpled on the floor of the long showers, in the corner where he and Dean usually went. He was sobbing quietly, his face buried in the crook of his left elbow in a loose fetal position. Dean started to get up and go to him when the main door slammed and its lock clicked into place, the sound jolting Cas upright. Dr Balthazar strutted around the corner and into the shower room, not seeing Dean at all. At the sight of him, Cas's eyes widened and then went dead as he sat up and pushed his back against the wall and curled his legs in front of him. Dean was mesmerized, wondering what was going to happen when the worst thought hit him: was Castiel about to get raped?
Dean didn't know what to do; he started to panic. Should he run to Cas and save him? Should he run out and get help? He froze, wishing he could get Cas's attention and find out what he wanted, whether he was actually sleeping with the doc or if he was getting taken advantage of. Dean turned his eyes unwillingly back to the couple in the showers. Baz loosened his belt, unzipping the pants as he murmured to Castiel.
The small man got on his knees and opened his mouth willingly, even licking his lips as the doctor fisted his hands in Cas's hair and thrust into his throat, taking himself all the way down.
Cas choked but pressed his eyes closed, relaxing his gag reflex. This was becoming a problem. Since his last plea for it to end, Balthazar had become more persistent, coming to Cas and Dean's room in the wee hours of the morning to take him out and fuck Cas into oblivion, making it hard for him to walk at all, let alone sit. Every time he did it with no warning and no stretching, thinking that Cas was simply loose enough to take him almost dry every time. To be honest, Cas would take him in his mouth a million times over ever being fucked again by Dr Baz. The bad thing was that this was predictable. Every new roommate Cas got was like a giant dose of jealousy to Balthazar, and he was basically staking his claim by forcing his hand with the small inmate. It had ceased being fun about three years ago.
Dean watched through narrowed eyes, prepared to kick the doc's face in if Cas was hurt in any way, no way of knowing if he was enjoying himself or not. As soon as Cas had gotten on his knees he seemed almost…happy. Or at least willing. He watched as his roommate's throat was pounded into, snot and spit and tears streaming as he struggled for breath. But every time Balthazar released his hair Cas looked up at the doc and almost smirked, so Dean couldn't help but think that he didn't mind the lip service. Maybe it was all a show, maybe he was in a secret relationship with the doc?
Without any real warning, Baz muttered that he wanted to come inside of Cas, yanking him onto his feet by his hair and pressing his chest into the tile wall. Cas scrunched up his face and jammed a fist in his mouth, stifling the choked moan as the older man rammed into him. It didn't hurt as much as normal, because the doc had already taken him three times that morning and once last night, and Cas had made sure to slick up the dick's dick thoroughly. Baz never made a 'money-shot' or came in his mouth, it was always was inside him, so that he had to dig the semen back out and feel the burn all day. He tried to sneak his hand to his own dick, to give himself some release, but Balthazar swatted his hand away, telling him that he wasn't supposed to be enjoying this. That was his sick game; teach Cas a type of avoidance training by forcing him to have sex, as opposed to claiming his own homosexual tendencies. He tried hard not to roll his eyes at the statement. Instead the doctor ran his own hand up Cas's length, making him shudder before the doc came inside of him and the moment ended.
The doctor shoved into Cas four times, going as deep as he could each time, before he came hard. He made small movements inside his patient before pulling out slowly and tugging Cas's head back by his hair for a kiss.
Cas moved his lips against Baz's lifelessly. He felt terrible, numb. He wanted to crawl back to his room and hide, have Dean comfort him. He wanted it to stop, but it never would.
The doctor pulled away, kneading Cas's ass roughly before smacking it to leave behind a handprint and walking away, muttering about appointments. Dean was rooted to the spot. He would hang around to make sure how Castiel acted, and then he would return to the room to wait on him. Cas would never forgive him if he knew that he had just watched this, regardless of how consensual it was. Dean was still conflicted, and he needed to see how Cas felt before he decided to make a fuss or leave it alone.
As soon as the door was unlocked and he was sure Balthazar was gone, Cas turned on the shower head and fingered himself open, working the semen out of him delicately. His knees nearly gave out on him twice, he was so sore; he felt like he'd never walk straight again. The burn was deep, and not good in any way considering that it had been put there against his will. Cas had been working up the courage to tell Dean or Lily why he came back from his appointments so lifeless, but he just couldn't. They would think how the doc thinks; why wouldn't he love it? He was a fag, and all faggots did was take it up the ass and think about sucking off every guy they met. All they thought about was sex. Cas trembled at the thoughts and choked back a sob as he heard people shuffling in for their showers. He had to get back before Dean woke up and panicked. He slammed off the water and hobbled to the towel cabinet, drying off fast and shoving his legs into some sweatpants before going as fast as he could to the dorm room.
Dean watched Cas shower off, hoping that he was okay. When he heard the sob break through Cas's lips though, he bit into his fist, making his way back to the dorm room as fast as he could so that Cas wouldn't be suspicious and think that Dean had been there. He made a mental note to get Cas to talk, today. This had to be ended, and soon.
~0~0~
When Castiel came back in from the showers, Dean assessed him closely. There were deep purple bags under his eyes, no life in them, and his face sagged. He looked dreadful. A limp was obvious in his gait, and he hobbled like, well, like there was something up his ass. He was in obvious pain, and it didn't look like he was proud about it. Dean remained on his own bed, pretending to read a book until Cas got settled in his own cot.
Cas thought it was weird that Dean wasn't sitting on his bed, and then he remembered that it was barely seven a.m. and that he usually wasn't needing comfort at this time. He needed to act more normal, more himself, but he felt like garbage and just wanted to sleep it off since he couldn't make himself cry about it. He crawled into his bed and lay there for a minute, listening to the sound of Dean's breathing as he read his book. Cas struggled to find a comfortable position and settled on his left side, facing the wall. He half turned back to Dean and made a grabby-hand at him, at which Dean smirked and set down his book.
Instead of sitting behind him like usual, Cas felt Dean lie behind him, curving to match Cas's position, he tensed, not wanting Dean to hit the wrong spot and then he'd have to tell a lie about it. But Dean was remarkably gentle. He hooked his hand around Cas's right thigh behind his knee and pushed it toward his chest, making a slot for Dean to tuck his own leg under the smaller man's ass, draping it over Cas's left leg. They were truly spooning, not a breath of space between them. Cas felt he was going to cry finally, and he let the tears build up, burying his face into the blankets as he felt Dean's hand circling his stomach, the fingers burrowing between his ribs and the mattress to gain purchase and remain rooted.
Dean had never seen Cas cry during these comfort sessions, but he simply nuzzled his face into the smaller man's neck and lie there comforting him in the least vocal way possible.
After laying there for a good hour, muttering shushing noises and holding his roomie tight, Dean managed to get him to fall deep asleep, even catching a small nap himself. They woke to a soft knock at the door before Lily peeked in the window, standing on tiptoe to put her eyes over the bottom of the frame. Dean motioned her in, not moving from Cas's side but letting the smaller man stretch from his long-dormant position.
Lily came bounding in, prepared to share a new tale or some gossip. She stopped dead about two steps into the small room. She immediately knew something was wrong and crawled into bed with them, fluffing out the blanket to cover them all. Dean had to laugh as she squirmed into position, facing Castiel on her right side as he lay on his left again, the two of them fitting like puzzle pieces with how small she was. Dean wasn't sure if he should let Lily have a shift at taking care of Cas, but as he was about to move from his side he felt a soft hand encircle his wrist, keeping him there.
"Stay, please," Cas croaked out, fresh tears springing in his eyes as he buried his face in Lily's miles of hair. Dean complied, curling back around the frame of his little roommate. They made a sandwich out of Cas, the girl pressing into his front, Dean at his back, a tangle of legs and arms surrounded their hurting friend whose body wracked with sobs as he finally bled out the pain he'd been hiding for five years.
Several hours later, the sun had dipped behind the west wing of the asylum, casting a heavy shadow across the room. Dean had left Lily to care for Cas- who had accidentally revealed several alarming bruises on his thighs, hips, and wrist- while he went to the canteen to bring back food. They hadn't eaten all day, and all three of them were feeling the effects of it. Dean brought back a sack of sandwiches and chips, a large bottle of water balanced under one arm as he carried the bag of ice gingerly, trying not to let the condensation soak the sandwiches. He returned to a scene that made his heart wrench worse than holding his miserable friend all day.
Cas lay naked on his stomach on his bed, Lily straddling his calves. The entirety of the back of his thighs and butt cheeks was red and blue from recent bruising and carpet burns. His lower back and knee caps were rough and scaly, obviously from being slid across low-pile carpet by force. His face was still buried in his blankets, but he wasn't crying any more. An eerie calm had crept over the room. Lily was biting a nail, muttering to herself about how to treat the skin abrasions while Dean stood dumbfounded in the doorway.
"I got food," he whispered, causing Cas to look up. His face was wrecked, dried tear tracks marring the cheeks, eyes and lips red and puffy from rubbing and biting them. He buried his face back in the blankets as Lily went to her room for some lotion.
"Cas," Dean started, earning a slightly turned head as one blue eye peeked out at him. "You need to tell us what's going on. This isn't…normal." Cas went back to hiding.
"I'm ashamed, Dean, that I've let it go on this long. I…I can't tell you."
"Cas, I'm not stupid. The only person in this place with carpeting is Balthazar. This," he paused, running a gentle hand over his friend's abraded lower back, "is carpet burn. Tell me how that happened if it wasn't him." He felt Castiel tense up when he mentioned the doc's name, the smaller man's shoulders bunching up and his breath catching in his throat.
When Dean said the doctor's name, Cas wanted to fight back with nails and teeth, deny everything and not let Dean in any more. But the gentle hand that had held him all day and had fed him was too sweet against his skin to bite, so he gave in. He nodded feebly into the blankets, not trusting his voice as he swallowed thickly at the tears building up again.
When Lily appeared back at the door with a bottle of thick lotion, she looked to Dean who nodded stiffly. "It was Dr Balthazar," he whispered, maintaining a hand on Cas as he felt the small man crumble in on himself. "Shhhh," he soothed, turning Cas over and sitting him up so that their chests were pressed together. Black hair tickled his nose as Dean tucked Cas' head under his chin, wrapping strong arms around his roommate's back to offer shelter from his storms.
Lily came up and sat behind Cas, facing Dean. She smoothed the lotion over his scaly skin, making the small man jerk away in some areas. The skin was still sensitive from the damage done that morning, and he backed away from her touch, away from his oldest friend. Cas cringed into Dean's wide chest, folding his arms in and tucking his head into the crook of Dean's neck to hide. They sat like that until lights-out, when Lily was removed to go back to her room by an orderly who gave dean a particularly nasty look when he saw Castiel's injuries. He didn't do anything though, irritatingly enough. She left the lotion and murmured to Dean for him to make sure to put it on Castiel before bed. He nodded as she backed out, her feelings hurt by the fact that her best friend wanted his brand new roommate's company more than he did hers.
Dean waited until Cas fell asleep again before moving back to his own bed to stretch out and get comfortable. The lumpy mattress was cold and lonely, but he needed the room. His back was killing him from being curled around Castiel all day. Dean fell into a restless sleep, dreaming about confronting Balthazar about the affair and possibly being thrown into solitary, or worse, being removed from the institute and away from Cas entirely. He felt like the latter would be almost as bad as getting convicted for setting the fire at Bobby's house that killed the last of his family members.
After that thought, the dream morphed into a nightmare of that night. It was only a year ago; he and Sam had gone to live with Bobby since their mom had died when Dean was four. John was a raging drunk and died in a car crash that he caused on the interstate one morning. After that Bobby got full custody of the two minors, and they had lived a pretty normal life for a broken family. But then Dean woke up one morning on the couch downstairs to the smell of smoke. Bobby had been reading the fireplace in the library and fallen asleep, a stray ash catching the old wool rug aflame. They never stood a chance. Bobby and Dean ran out, thinking Sam was right behind them, and Dean tried to fight the old man when he went back in for his little brother, telling Dean to stay put while he watched their father figure disappear through the wall of fire at the door. The ceiling collapsed and they were crushed, leaving Dean to listen to their screams until the smoke choked off their lungs and burned out their vocal cords.
Dean awoke to a warm body sitting on his naked chest, their knees pressing into the crook of his elbows so that he couldn't hit or claw the person on top of him, both hands pressing over his mouth to muffle the cries. His chest heaving, he managed to choke out that he was awake before the person slid off of him. It was Cas; he had woken up when Dean left the bed, but let the larger man sleep until the nightmares made him scream aloud.
"You were bound to wake up everyone," Castiel explained, starting to move away back to his own bed.
"No, stay here, please Cas." Dean tugged the little man back down to his cot. Cas smiled weakly and curled into him, laying his head on Dean's chest and wrapping his right arm across the larger man's stomach, playing briefly in the light hair peppered across it.
"Thank you for taking such good care of me today, Dean," he whispered into his roommate's skin. He felt Dean draw in a deep breath and pause, not quite knowing what to say next.
"Uh…you're welcome. I guess I just wanted you to know that you don't need to worry about me. I'm, uh, not going to do anything to you; I just want to know that you're okay. And I don't care if you're sleeping with the doc; I just want to know that you're doing it because you want to, not because he is making you." Cas didn't say anything for a minute, and Dean thought that he had fallen back asleep, but a tear fell against his naked pec as he felt the arm around him constrict further.
"Thank you Dean." It was all he could say, and Dean understood.
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