3. The Reason

"Joy's recollection is no longer joy, while sorrow's memory is a sorrow still." Lord Byron

The sun was penetrating through the curtains when JJ woke up. An instant shock filled her entirely when she noticed she had no idea where she was. And it got even more frightening when she felt a chilly breeze blowing all over her completely naked forms under the sheer sheets.

Her eyes once half opened due to the sunlight were now wide when they moved to the sight of Spencer sleeping by her side, with one of his hands gently placed on her belly. That was when it all came back to her; all the variety of feelings she experienced last night without forgetting one single detail and never neglecting the kindness which he treated her.

JJ formed a smile and started to observe his face traits as he slept. Watched how his chest moved up and down slowly, how his hair was more messed up than usual and how his lips attracted her like never before. She thought she was daydreaming.

That kind of feeling, so new, for someone so close, invaded her so suddenly that it made her stay there motionless, with no action for several minutes, just admiring the view and trying to figure out what were those magic sparkles that could make her heart jump and beat fast on her neck for someone that until last night was only one of her best friends.

It frightened her. Spencer wasn't actually an easy person to deal with and she knew he was going through a very difficult time in his life. He was changed, still confronting the recent scars those days of torture had left on him. And all of this happened just because JJ had gone separate ways from him that night…

She felt extremely guilty for that chain of bad events that he had to go through. All by himself. Alone.

It brought her a recollection of his desperate words from last night: "I need you to heal me…"

Could she help him and be his safe rock?

She couldn't make up her mind yet and decided not to pressurize herself that much. They only spent a night together. Such an intense night…

Her thoughts finally led her to sit up, moving Reid's hand carefully away from her as she stepped on the floor to begin the search for every piece of her clothes that was spread on the floor. Grabbed her pants, shirt, panties but she couldn't really find her bra. So she kneeled to search under the bed and found something she never thought she could find there.

Jennifer felt a shiver run through her body as her mind started to picture the innumerous stupid things Spencer could be doing with a needle and syringe. She grabbed it carefully and brought it closer to her eyes, noticing the coagulated blood on it and tried to imagine what was in it and, above all, why.

If she was startled before, now she was very concerned with Reid. And as a good FBI agent, JJ started to connect his odd behavior, his drowsiness, paleness and his unusual aggressiveness with the side effects of some injective drug. She just needed to find out what kind of drug.

JJ stood up, grabbed a plastic envelope she always had in her purse in case of need and, carefully not to wake Spencer, placed it inside with the less noise possible. She breathed heavily looking at him still not knowing what she would do about this. But it was serious, very serious.

He definitely needed help.

She got dressed in a blink of an eye as she thought how she would approach him and how she could handle that situation without involving the rest of the team. And left without waiting for him to wake up.

A strong orange light stung my eyes as I set my sight on the clock after taking the empty goblet out of my way, noticing I had overslept. Hotch is gonna kill me!

When I tried to rush my way out of the bed, I experienced a combination of terrible feelings throughout my body; from nausea and stomach pain to constant throbs inside my head. The whole room was spinning and only then I realized I wasn't wearing any clothes.

Everything looked weird, I couldn't even remember a single moment of what happened last night. It was all black from the moment I touched the needle in my arm yesterday until now. How did I… end up naked and completely out like this?

I felt frightened. I started to sweat like I had run a marathon. I took a few deep breaths and my vision started to work normal again little by little, the fog slowly disappearing. As I tried to reorganize my thoughts, I found every single piece of my clothes spread to several places in my room. My trousers, shirt, tie and finally something which, to my surprise, couldn't belong in any way to my wardrobe: a salmon lace bra wrapped under my shirt.

"Hello? Is... someone there?" I asked to the walls, afraid if I might have an answer. And afraid I wouldn't too… After all, it was hard, almost impossible to believe that a woman would've actually spent the night with me.

I had full conscious I wasn't much of a success with the ladies. Besides, I was unexperienced from head to toe, if you know what I mean; a 25-year-old man with boy face and… virgin still. Several situations had gone through my head that wouldn't stop hurting, but still, those neurons would insist to work in that frantic way, always trying to find meaning in everything.

Well, maybe my most powerful and functional kind of memory could be useful to me now: I treaded around slowly, still a bit dizzy but nothing I couldn't handle, and so I got that mysterious piece of fabric in hands. Took it to my nostrils height and inhaled the citric perfume, so known and desired scent for me. I couldn't mix that fragrance on miles away. And it quickly unleashed a quick and fragmentary kind of flashback inside my head: a swift but peak ecstasy, my moans mixed with some woman's apparently naked and… blond. My hands kneading her…

POOF.

I came back to straight to reality with an almost unbearable headache and a terrible fear of those new drug effects I was having, which, in the beginning, was making my life a little less intolerable but now… I wasn't even sure if those images in my brain were real or if they were just some hallucination I had.

My stomach churned and I was sure of something: that would be one of those days.

I kept the bra inside my closet and promised myself I would never use Dilaudid again.

One hour late, I arrived at BAU, with my usual coffee in hands and with a new accessory I knew everyone would notice but that would have to be part of my apparel if I wanted to hide the black circles that was forming under my eyes and seemed worse at each day. And things get worse: the sun felt like blades cutting through my optical nerve. So I found this old aviator I once bought but never wore. I knew I was looking like a cheap rockstar with a hangover, but my looks were the last of my concerns right now. The first was to explain Hotch…

Everyone stared at me with that serious, I would even say worried look, waiting for me to explain something that has never happened before. All that I needed now: interrogatory. As if all the question in my mind wasn't enough as it is.

"Hey, Dr. I-Never-Arrived-Late-In-My-Life-Before Reid!" Morgan tried to joke even when my body language was shouting I wasn't up for fun.

I didn't answer him, just sat in my chair trying to prepare for the jokes to come. Hotch was the main problem cause he was my boss. JJ was the only one who wasn't staring. Weird…

"Is everything okay, Reid?" asked Hotch curiously, waiting for an answer.

"Yeah, yeah I just forgot to set my alarm yesterday, sorry. It won't happen again, sir." I tried to escape the way I could but still, they kept throwing their glances at me but JJ.

Yep, definitely one of those days…

The reunion went on, everybody participated and I felt totally out of that room, of that world trying to think of a way to handle my life without that damn drug but when it was about that, my head just refuses to bring me the answer. I was miserable in all possible ways, couldn't sleep well in months and the only pleasure I had was now scaring me with the effects as never before.

Hotch showed the pictures of the victims of our case and I couldn't gaze at them for long. If I did, I knew all the terrible feelings and the reminiscences which I was trying to run away from would take over me. My head still exploded while all I wanted to do was to stay stuck at home, alone, lying in my bed, sleeping… numb.

"Hey, Reid! Did you hear what I say?" Hotch spoke louder and brought my head back to earth.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" I asked slowly, sliding my index finger in my forehead. I couldn't concentrate…

"I was telling you to analyze these files with data from the possible suspects. This new drug that is out there is killing more than we thought it could. We need to know who's behind that and what it is exactly. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired. Nothing that caffeine wouldn't solve!"

…Nothing that caffeine and a good Dilaudid dose wouldn't solve in a blink of an eye, in a perfect explosive combination. But no! Not this time! I didn't wanna keep doing this, I wanted to find my will to live I had inside of me again sober. But why does it sound so unreachable?

"Well so… that's it, let's get to work. Reid, if you need some time, you have 10 minutes."

"Thanks, but I won't need it." I tried my best to give them the fake smile they wanted to see and hide the turmoil of bad feelings surrounding me night and day.

When all of them had left the room, I stood up slowly, expecting that the dizziness wouldn't hit me again. And I was almost prepared to start my work when I felt a soft touch in my right shoulder. My body had this inexplicable shock, as if an electric current was travelling all over me in fractions of seconds, until it hit my head. Suddenly, a little of that flashback I had this morning appeared again, but this time more vividly and neatly. And when I looked back, the woman's face coincided perfectly with Jennifer's, triggering almost the whole supposed recollection of last night.

I felt my face burn promptly in a mixture of surprise and confusion.

Oh god, it couldn't be! That perfume…

"Spence…" she called me in that smooth way of hers and her eyes would face me for the first time since…

Those images… they were so perfect and felt so real in my memory that every and each cell of my body believed blindly on that unimaginable hypothesis of me spending the night with her. But it could just be a stupid and elusive product of Dilaudid. There's no way I could know.

"I think we need to talk..."

"About… what?" I tried to pretend, cause nothing in that picture made sense to me anymore.

"I think you know well what happened between us last night…" she couldn't see it through my sunglasses, but my eyes widened completely and my legs buckled to her mumbled words.

How… couldn't I be sure I had lost my virginity with the woman who… who was living in my dreams permanently for two years?

My heart was trying to escape through my mouth. How… how could I lose one of the best moments of my life?

"Now I'm pretty sure… I had too much wine last night, you know…" I chuckled nervously, trying to hide my indignation with myself.

What would she think if she'd found out I didn't even remember how she tasted like? What kind of despicable man was I becoming?

All I wanted and needed now was to try those lips again and never forget about their taste again. I needed to feel it was real.

Jennifer looked uncomfortable, staring at the floor. She didn't sound happy at all. Well, me and my frustrating lack of experience with women, wine and drugs was probably the cause of that disappointment. I blew it!

"Well, Spencer, I don't think this is the best place for us to talk about it. Let's grab a coffee after our shift and then we can talk, okay?" her gaze – or better, the lack of it – was breaking my heart in little pieces. I just needed to know what was so wrong with me. "But let's just keep this between us… right?"

"Of course. We talk later..." I answered dryly.

Tried for a rapid moment to just touch on her fingers resting on the table, but she took her hand away before I could, glanced at me again and left the room, taking with her all the pieces of my scattered and smashed heart.

I had barely get used to the fact of having her and now she was already slipping through my fingers…

It was like that my whole life…