CHAPTER 3

The following morning:

Gwen: "My lady? Hallo...Morgana, is that you?"

Morgana: "There's a lot of static! What happened? I thought the techs were meant to have the computers back on line yesterday."

Gwen: "They were supposed to. But there's a bit of a problem with the wiring, so they said. It seems one of our underground cables was burnt through."

Morgana: "Really? How did that happen?"

Gwen: "I don't know. They said there were indications of fire all over it."

Morgana: "Uther was fuming."

Gwen: "Again?"

Morgana: "He thinks it was sorcery, nattered on about it for hours. Of course, he thinks everything's sorcery. Oh dear, Arthur's ringing me. That's the second time this morning."

Arthur: "Morgana? Has anyone seen Merlin?"

Gwen: "Gaius said he was still resting in his room, sire. So he should be. He was quite delirious yesterday."

Morgana: "So would you be if you had to work for Arthur."

Arthur: *indignantly* "What's that supposed to mean? It's not as though I ever beat him or anything."

Morgana: "Perhaps Merlin needs a little holiday. Why not give him a week off? You can do without him for a week, can't you Arthur?"

Arthur: "Absolutely not. That is...absolutely not. My armor needs polishing, my boots need cleaning, my dogs need exercising, my fireplace needs sweeping, my bed needs changing, my stable needs mucking out, and I have a mountain of laundry."

Gwen: *concerned* "That's quite a lot of work, sire."

Morgana: *in angelic tones* "No doubt that's why he's always in your room so late at night."

Arthur: "Mor–"

Morgana: *sweetly* "Never mind, never mind. Now, what happened yesterday with the infestation of ravens?"

Arthur: "False alarm Morgs. Ordinary crows, nothing magical about them at all. Some silly peasant had been at the ale, apparently."

Gwen: "Gaius is ringing....oh, I do hope his speakerphone is turned off."

Gaius: "Gwen? Are the blasted computers still down?"

Gwen: "The techs say that our underground cable was burnt through."

Gaius: "Do they think it was an accident of some sort? Or a deliberate act?"

Morgana: "Naturally Uther thinks it was sorcery...deliberate and evil sorcery of course, is there any other kind as far as he's concerned? According to him it's the latest trend in domestic terrorism."

Gaius: *mutters* "Good God!" *raises his voice* "Well you'll be pleased to know that Merlin's very much on the mend."

Gwen: "That's lovely news, Gaius!"

Morgana: "He needed his rest. You overwork him, Arthur."

Arthur: "I never."

Morgana: "I have a thought. It's been so busy, Gwen could use a little help. Why doesn't Merlin work for me for a week or so?"

Arthur: "Not a chance."

Morgana: "Oh?"

Arthur: "I won't have it. Delivering your sleeping potions at bedtime. Bringing you flowers he's picked himself. He ought to know his place."

Morgana: *icily* "Meaning he ought to know his place is with you, is that it?"

Arthur: "Morgana! Will you–"

Gaius: "Merlin's ringing me! I thought he was going to sleep all morning."

Merlin: *groggily* "Gaius? What was in that medicine?"

Gaius: "Tincture of valerian, my dear boy. You slept like a top."

Merlin: *groggily* "I feel a little dizzy."

Gaius: "I sat up with you for a while, to make sure. You were talking in your sleep."

Merlin: *groggily* "Oh no."

Gaius: "Classic delirium, I'm afraid. You said something about being eaten by a Wildren."

Merlin: "Erm..."

Gaius: "Although why a Wildren would want to eat you..."

Gwen: *giggling* "Perhaps Merlin's tasty, Gaius."

Morgana: "Ask Arthur."

Arthur mutters angrily in the background.

Merlin: *still groggy* "What else did I say?"

Gaius: *uncomfortably* "Now that I think on it, perhaps there were some things that are better left unrepeated."

Arthur: "Oh really? For example?"

Gaius: *even more uncomfortable* "Well I'm afraid I can't repeat–"

Merlin: *still groggy* "I can't wiss merk...I mean, miss work today."

Morgana: "Which reminds me...someone has to tidy a room for our guest."

Gwen: "Oh...Lancelot!"

Morgana: "He'll be here next week."

Gwen: "Oh yes!"

Arthur: *under his breath* "Women!"

Merlin: "Hey...how many of you are on this line?"

Morgana: "Arthur is, I'm afraid, and then there's Gwen, Gaius, and me."

Merlin: "And the computers are still down."

Arthur: "Took you a while to figure that one out, did it?"

Merlin: *under his breath* "Prat."

Arthur: *loudly* "Idiot!"

Merlin: "I haven't had a chance to ask–"

Arthur: "The greyware needs an upgrade, does it?"

Gwen: *under her breath* "I hate to say it, but they sound just like–"

Morgana: *loudly* "An old married couple."

Both girls snort with laughter.

Arthur: "As you haven't bothered to ask, Merlin, you should know that the computers are still out of commission because an underground cable was damaged by fire."

Merlin: "What? By...fire, you said?"

Arthur: "Deaf as well as dumb."

Merlin: "Gaius! Did you know about this?"

Gaius: "I've only just heard."

Merlin: *whispers* "Gaius, it must have been...him!"

Gaius: "Eh?"

Merlin: *whispers* "You know who...scaly...wings...fiery breath...you know."

Arthur: "Gaius, I thought you said he was better."

Gaius: "Well, I–"

Arthur: "Now it bloody well sounds like hallucinations."

Gaius: *whispers* "Merlin...why should you-know-who want to–"

Merlin: *whispers* "He must want to keep us off the internet."

Arthur: "Oh Gaius...not you as well!"

Gaius: "What was that, sire?"

Arthur: *under his breath* "It must be contagious."

Gaius: "Merlin, where are you?"

Merlin: "I'm in the Great Hall. I can just nip down to the–"

Arthur: "Merlin, don't move. Gaius, Gwen, we'll need to get him back to his room again."

Morgana: "Come along, Gwen. We can help you, Arthur."

Arthur: "I can carry him to bed."

Morgana: "On second thoughts, perhaps you don't want our help."

Merlin: *whispers* "Do you think he's set up his own website?"

Gaius: "Impossible! I mean...impossible! There are no terminals down there."

Arthur: "Down where? What are you two on about? Morgana, Gwen, I swear this thing is contagious."

Gwen: "If you don't need me, then, I'll just dash over to the guestrooms and tidy one up."

Morgana: *chuckling* "Ah, the irresistible Lancelot."

Arthur: "And what's so irresistible about him, may I ask? What has he got that I haven't got?"

Morgana: "About a wagonload of humility, for starters."

Gwen: "He saved my life."

Arthur: "He saved your life! He! What about me? I didn't help to save your life as well?"

Morgana: *whispers* "Gwen! Did he kiss you?"

Gwen: *confused* "Did who kiss me?"

Morgana: *exasperated* "Lancelot, of course!"

Gwen: "Oh...Lancelot." *whispers* "Yes, he did."

Arthur: "What! Did I hear you say Lancelot kissed you?"

Gwen: "Well..."

Arthur: *whispers* "Did you kiss him back?"

Gwen: "Sire–"

Arthur: *whispers* "Does he know that I kissed–"

Gwen: "Shhhhh!"

Morgana: "Wait a moment, Gwen. Just how many people have you been kissing?"

Merlin: *whispers* "Gwen! I didn't tell anybody that you kissed–"

Arthur: "What! Wait...you can't possibly have kissed Merlin!"

Gaius: *alarmed* "Pay no attention to Merlin, sire, he's in an overmedicated state."

Morgana: *surprised* "Good heavens, Gwen!"

Gwen: *completely flustered* "I really must go...go...see to the dusting!"

Arthur: "Guinevere!"

Morgana: "Ow! Stop shouting!"

Merlin: *mumbling* "I am not overmedicated."

Gwen rings off.

Morgana: "I'll try to find her. Really...I think we're going to have to have a little talk."

Morgana rings off.

Merlin: "Gaius, I promise I'll be right back, but first I'll just nip down to the...you know."

Merlin rings off.

Arthur: "Gaius...has everyone in this castle gone completely mad?"

Arthur rings off.

Gaius: "These young people today! No sense of self-control."

Gaius rings off.