100 Missions Challenge.

Monty Python is one of themes inspiring this. Enjoy!

FYI, I am French.

(The scene opens on to a French city. The RED Scout wanders down a cobbled street, looking baffled at a French dictionary. Finally, he slams it shut.)

"Aw, screw it."

(He suddenly spots the BLU Spy strolling down the street, looking relaxed and grins.)

"Ah cool, HE'S French. They always wear balaclavas."

(Hurrying forward, he politely stops the man.)

"Uh, 'scuse me. You speak English?"

(The BLU Spy stares at him for a long time, then says one word.)

"Oui."

"Oops sorry, didn't realise you were Spanish. Won't bother ya again."

(Scout leaves, leaving BLU Spy incredibly confused.)

"Quoi?"

The Living Father Sketch.

(The scene opens at an undertaker's, the RED Medic whistling the Funeral March as he sorts through limbs and wrappings. Sneaking a look around, he pockets a wallet. Suddenly, there is a commotion outside and RED Medic looks round in surprise as BLU Sniper slams the door open and stomps over to him.)

"I'm 'ere for my father."

(RED Medic is bewildered.)

"Have we taken in another senile?"

"Wha-No! My dad called me on your phone number and told me he was alive in a coffin!"

(Medic becomes nervous.)

"Oh, I assure you; he's quite dead."

(There is a banging from a brown coffin in the corner.)

"I'm not dead."

(BLU Sniper turns to Medic.)

"See? He says he's not dead!"

"Oh, that's just our heating. It's so irritating."

"I don't believe this."

(Sniper irritably crosses over to the coffin and flings it open.)

"He's. Alive. We sent him to you because you REASSURED us that he'd kicked the bucket! Look at 'im!"

(The dad sits up and waves.)

"Hello!"

"Oh, he's definitely dead. Have you seen the colour of his skin?"

(Medic pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose professionally.)

"He's always looked like that!"

"Thanks son."

(Medic looks serious.)

"Didn't you know that corpses go through a period of reanimation before they're buried? It's the natural cycle. You die, wiggle about a bit, then get put six feet under."

(Sniper looks outraged.)

"That's ridiculous! He's clearly alive! He's alive and kicking, running the race, breathing deeply, still on this plane, holding on, acting out the play of life, refusing to give up, marching to his heartbeat, dancing the tango, looking alive, lively, animated…I can't think of anymore terms to prove to you that the man lives!"

(Medic sighs.)

"One of my assistants must be playing 'Puppets' again. Come out from there!"

"I think I'll go for a walk!"

"No you won't – you're staying there!"

(Sniper grabs his dad and glares at Medic.)

"Roight, I have had just about enough of this! We're off!"

(They leave quickly and Medic sits down, shaking his head sadly.)

"We can never keep our customers…or our bodies."

(A banging is heard from another coffin and he thumps it in annoyance.)

"Oh, shut up. Stupid zombies."

"We're Canadians." Sketch.

(Two Soldiers, RED and BLU, are making their way down an Australian city street and heading for a plain-looking grocery stand. The BLU Sniper is standing next to it, waiting for customers. They stop by it and he greets them.)

"G'day mates! Can I get ya some right nice apples and kiwis?"

"Hey man, we'd really like some apples and…I think we'll take oranges as well."

"Yeah, oranges."

(The two clearly have Canadian accents and the Sniper frowns.)

"Aw great, bloody Americans. You here to blow up my stand or something?"

(The Soldiers make hand gestures, one making the hands look like a turtle and the other wiggling his fingers up and down crazily. The Sniper is angry.)

"I didn't set this stand up to be insulted with rude hand gestures!"

(RED Soldier looks serious.)

"Then you shouldn't have insulted US! We may be Canadians, but we're people. Anyone with ethnic minority is a person. That guy over there is a person."

(A Heavy with a cap on waves stupidly.)

"I'm a person, you're a person. And we deserve to be treated…like a person."

(The Sniper considers this, then scoffs.)

"Hmmm…yeah maybe. At least I'm not a bunch of gun-wielding maniacs who like their bombs a little bit too much!"

(The BLU Soldier speaks up.)

"Oh no, that's America. We're Canadians."

"But I thought…about the cowboys and Indians and – ."

"No, they're Americans."

(The Sniper becomes ashamed.)

"Oh no, mates…I confused you with Americans. I'm really sorry."

"Oh naw, that's okay."

"Yeah. I mean…"

(Here RED Soldier puts on an American accent.)

"They're all like; 'Dude, where's my car?' And we're all like, 'Dude, where's my car?' You know?"

(The Sniper looks confused because the two accents sound pretty much the same.)

(Then BLU Heavy leaps into the scene, screaming and making them all run away.)

"And now for something completely different."

Mission Objective 3: Completed.

The A/N at the end of every chapter!

I forgot to do a disclaimer at the beginning so I do not own Monty Python, Flight of the Conchords or TF2. I just shamelessly combined their ideas together and will probably get mercilessly sued by Phoenix Wright any day now.

Anyway, I am thinking of doing another chapter with sketches along the way of completing this challenge, so if you could kindly give me a few ideas, I would be delighted to act upon them. X R&R.