On Monday morning I found Haruhi Suzumiya face down on her desk, with Ryoko Asakura, our lovely classroom representative, standing next to her.

Ryoko turned and asked me, "I wonder what happened to her?" Then she walked away to her own desk.

Had I seen an accusation in her eyes? Or was it just concern for a classmate? I watched the sway of Ryoko's backside for a moment, then turned to my own desk. It was just my imagination running away with me again. Sure, it's my fault that the Yakuza princess was feeling down. That's fine. Just leave my family out of it. I thanked whatever gods there were for giving me an easy way out of a deadly situation as I took my seat.

"I made up for your trickery yesterday."

Okay, I wasn't going to get off that easily. I turned in my seat and asked Haruhi, "What?"

"I searched the area we two were supposed to have covered, by myself on Sunday." Haruhi still rested her head on her hands, but had turned to look out the window.

Oh, that. "And what mysteries did you find?"

"Nothing! It's like everybody is keeping it all just out of my grasp."

"So it didn't matter what we did on Saturday, after all."

"I apologize for my madness." She finally turned her head to face me, but remained slumped over her desk.

"What? Well, they say that the first step is to admit that you have a problem."

"Even I suffer sometimes from the madness of love. It's just a chemical imbalance in our biological brains."

You're the one who's chemically unbalanced, I thought, but said nothing.

"Don't worry," Haruhi straighted up in her seat and pointed at me. "I see you for what you are now. Just another ordinary lying cheating human male. Well buster, you can take your little one track mind and move on to the next station. Because I don't want to see anymore of that kind of behavior when you are engaged in SOS Brigade activities."

So I wasn't going to be kicked out of the club after all. I may have sighed as I saw my hopes dashed once again.

"Now we have the full roster of character types," She continued, "I'm the leader, and we've got moe, shy glasses girl, mysterious transfer student, and idiotic comedy relief mascot." She counted these off on her fingers.

I didn't have to ask which role she had for me.

"Now we just need some flashy event to happen, call us forwards and make our moment of greatness. Why won't it happen?" She returned to her face down posture.

I considered for a moment getting a photograph of myself printed out life sized, gluing it to a cardboard stand and placing it in the clubroom so that Haruhi could have many hours of enjoyment and or therapy by relating her mad schemes to it, without bothering another soul. Well, Yuki would probably be sitting there and trying to read all that time. No point in curing one girl, just to drive another insane.

"Is that what you need?"

I jumped in my seat. I had been so intent on Haruhi's rant that I hadn't even noticed that Ryoko had returned to stand next to us.

"Some unfathomable mystery to arrive without warning?" Ryoko continued, "Wouldn't that be interesting!" She smiled and walked back to her desk.

At lunchtime Haruhi returned to her face down sulk so I took my lunch and rose from my seat.

She grabbed onto my sleeve, and asked, "Where are you going?"

"To the clubroom. I need to work on our web site."

"Oh!" She looked up, "I put the Mikuru maid photos on the computer. Upload those to the web page."

Like hell I would. The last thing we needed was to have some of Mikuru's former clients sniffing around the school.

At the clubroom I noticed that Yuki was in her usual spot reading by the window. I said "Hi" and she even looked up for a moment before returning to her reading. Did she ever eat anything? I remembered how on Saturday she had first ordered just ice water until Haruhi had prodded her and then she had taken iced tea, without sugar or lemon. No wonder she was so thin and short that she could have passed for a first year junior high student three years her junior. It seemed strange that she'd be put under social pressure to adopt an extreme diet when she never went out anyplace where society could influence her.

I turned on the computer and waited for it to boot.

"How does that work?"

I looked up. Yuki had put down her book and was standing next to me.

"Don't you know how to use a computer?" I asked her.

"No." She shook her head ever so slightly.

"What, did you spend your whole life in a cave?"

"Yes," She replied without a trace of humor or irony.

"Those bastards!" I had almost forgotten Yuki's secret master, Haruhi's hidden brother, the Yakuza boss.

Yuki backed up a step.

"It's not your fault," I rose and pointed to the swivel seat in front of the computer, "Sit here."

Yuki stood where she was so I took a step back and then she sat down in front of the computer.

"Now take hold of the mouse."

She looked under the desk, "There are no mice here."

I talked Yuki through basic computer operation and even got her to a search engine web page. "Now click in that box and type in a search string."

Yuki looked around the desk, "Where is the string?"

"Just type in a word or phrase that you'd like more information on, then press the enter key there to submit the form."

She typed in "Kyon" and hit Enter.

The results that came up had absolutely nothing to do with myself of course. I suggested that she click on the first link, which was a company website, and read that page.

Satisfied that she had the basic operation down I sat down next to her and opened my lunch. "Can I offer you something to eat?"

"No." Yuki continued to read the computer screen, but perhaps she had a slight nervous twitch.

Okay that's fine, I told myself. I resolved to come by every lunch period, and have food nearby for her, without pressure. At some point she'd relax and partake.

That afternoon Haruhi reviewed the reports from Saturday. Yuki made a brief presentation of the history of our city. After the club meeting I went down to change into my street shoes and found a note in my locker. I pocketed it before anybody could notice and reviewed it in my room at home.

The note said only, "Meet me in front of the school at eight p.m. tonight," and was unsigned, except for a cutesy heart.

It wasn't Yuki's careful handwriting or the kind of note Haruhi would make where she'd start on one topic then come back and put completely tangential comments in the margins. That left either Mikuru or possibly Itsuki, if he was gay. It didn't matter, I had questions to ask either of them.

I tried to sneak out, but my sister had planned her ambush too well, "Are you going on another date Kyon?"

"None of your business."

"What's his name?"

I left with the silent resolve to check the kinds of manga she read, and report the offending titles to our parents.

I reviewed the questions I would ask either member of the mysterious pair as I walked up the hill to school. Then I stopped.

Ryoko was standing in front of the locked school gates.

"Hi," I pulled the note out of my pocket, "Is this from you?"

She walked up and took the note from my hand, "Why yes it is," She threw her arms around me, "I'm so happy that you came here."

I had been comfortable a moment earlier and suddenly I was freezing.

"Wh-what's going on?" I could hear my teeth chattering.

"Enough of that now." Ryoko leaned up to kiss me and my entire mouth just went numb. She started rubbing against me. "Oh yeah, that's the good stuff." She almost purred that out as she blushed.

The sharp edge of the cold was fading into a general numbness. I was finding it difficult to breathe through my nose, and my mouth wouldn't open at all.

"Now, let's go someplace more private and finish this. If that's okay with you, Dear." Ryoko hoisted me like a frozen turkey under her left arm. Then she ran forwards and jumped up to vault off the top of the school gate with her right hand. In midair she shifted her grip to hold me in front of her body with both hands. She landed inside the schoolyard with knees slightly bent.

"Big sister!" I caught a glimpse of Yuki squeezing through the bars of the school gate. She was probably the only person in our school who was thin enough to do that and she had to take her glasses off to fit her head through.

"What is it, little Yuki?" Ryoko turned towards the smaller girl and lifted me up like a platter, "As you can see I'm having dinner now. Can't it wait?"

Yuki finally wiggled through the bars, "No, don't kill him! Master will be angry."

"Perhaps you're right." Ryoko dropped me onto my back, like a sack of potatoes. "I shouldn't kill him after all."

"Kyon!" Yuki ran towards me, but was stopped when Ryoko grabbed her arm. Yuki turned to the taller girl and asked, "What?"

Ryoko grabbed both of Yuki's arms behind her back and then threw her to the ground. She placed her left knee on the Yuki's back as she pulled out a large roll of silver duct tape. Where had she been hiding that? Ryoko proceeded to tape Yuki's arms together behind her back, and then taped Yuki's legs together.

"Big sister!" Yuki had tried to struggle, but was clearly outmatched, "What are you doing?"

"Poor thing." Ryoko picked up the hogtied girl. "Not only are you so thin, but you're obviously starving. It's time you had a nice full meal."

Yuki looked at how she was being carried towards me. "Big sister, no!"

I still couldn't move, but I felt a tingling all over as my circulation started up again.

"Now, now, don't eat with your mouth open," Ryoko put Yuki down for a moment so she could tape her mouth shut. Then she picked up the smaller girl and dropped her on top of me.

The cold returned even stronger than before.

Ryoko lifted our heads up a bit so she could tape our necks together, as she said, "But our master could never stay angry at his dear sweet little Yuki. Now could he?"

I couldn't even feel my cheek that was pressed up against Yuki's, but I could see her crying. Strangely instead of teardrops, she cried snowflakes.

"I'll leave you two to get comfortable together." Ryoko left the duct tape roll on the ground and stood. "Now Yuki, I suggest you take this time to practice what you'll say when they find you tomorrow morning. As for myself I think I'll go with: But Master, I had no idea that you'd send Yuki on a mission to the humans without first training her on how to control her hunger."

Wack!

"Ow!" Ryoko stumbled to the side and raised her hand to touch her cheek where she'd just been kicked. Then she turned to her assailant. "How dare you mark the face of a pure innocent maiden!"

"Don't blame your virginity on me, little girl." Mikuru took a step towards Ryoko. Her pose was as graceful as a ballerina and as deadly as a ninja. "You've had many decades alone with cold stiffs in the mountains."

"I don't play with my food." Ryoko backed away from Mikuru. "Are you sure you have time to finish me off? My hostage over there won't last very long."

"Why should I bother? Your master owes me very much indeed, and anything I could think of doing to you would be a thousand times kinder than his slightest whim. You'd best start running now, little girl."

"I'll be back." Ryoko crossed her arms in front of herself. She was covered by a sudden snow flurry, and then she was gone.

Mikuru pulled out a tanto from a lacquered wooden sheath. It looked like either a museum piece or a very good replica. Was every girl carrying a large invisible purse tonight? She bent down and cut the tape that bound me to Yuki, then tossed Yuki a meter away from me.

Mikuru stood and looked down at me, "Are you going to survive?"

I tried to say so, but couldn't force words through my frozen throat, so simply nodded.

Mikuru moved over and cut Yuki's bonds.

Yuki flexed her limbs for a moment then knelled towards me with her face to the ground and sobbed out some more snowflakes. "I'm so sorry, so very sorry."

"Shall I destroy this monster?" Mikuru held her knife over Yuki's neck.

"Yes please. I have failed." Yuki kept her face to the ground.

"No!" My throat ached as I forced the word out.

"How many human beings have you killed?" Mikuru asked Yuki.

"Twenty three. Eighteen men, three women, a boy, and a girl."

"That's not nearly enough to sustain you for fifty years." Mikuru looked Yuki over. "You're thin, but not that thin."

"I mostly lived on animals. I only went down the mountain when the hunger was too much to bear."

"Including foxes?"

"Yes. Please kill me now. As you say, my master shall forgive you."

"No wonder Itsuki fears you." Mikuru turned to me. "You heard her. Shall I grant her fondest wish?"

"No, let her live." I could just start to feel life returning to my limbs.

"Ryoko wasn't lying. Yuki is starving. I'm amazed she hasn't feasted on anyone in this town of yours. If we leave her like this, she's sure to faint and then some poor passerby will bend down to check on her. Are you prepared for the consequences of that?"

"Is there no other way?"

"Yes there is. I do this as a personal favor for you, little boy, and I never forget my favors. See to it that you do not forget either." Mikuru put her tanto back in its sheath and it vanished. She picked Yuki up by the shoulders and kissed her.

I could see Yuki's cheek bulge out as Mikuru worked her tongue in. Then Yuki put her arms around Mikuru's waist and closed her eyes.

Taniguchi was standing outside the school gate and staring at the two girls. He saw me looking at him, then he turned and walked away saying, "I saw nothing, nothing."

Mikuru had kept her eyes open during the kiss and studied Yuki. When Yuki started to blush, Mikuru broke the kiss off and asked her, "Are you still hungry?"

Yuki looked up into her eyes. "No, Mistress."

"You are to tell me when you do feel hungry again. Do you understand, little girl?"

"Yes, Mistress."

If Mikuru thought Yuki was fifty and that still made her a little girl, then how old must she herself be?

Mikuru bent down to pick me up. "Are you okay, Kyon?"

"I will be. Why weren't you affected by the cold?"

"I have danced naked in the snow of the coldest darkest night of the coldest darkest winter there ever was. This is nothing. The problem is to not overdo it or she'd swell up and pop like a bubble before I even notice any drain." Mikuru turned to Yuki. "You dropped your glasses by the gate."

"Thank you, Mistress." Yuki bowed to her, walked back over to the gate and picked them up.

"If you don't need them to read and you can see them plainly in this darkness then why do you need glasses?" I asked Yuki.

"My master said that they would allow me to blend in better with the humans."

"I think you look cuter without them." I half hopped along with Mikuru's support, my limbs attacked by countless invisible pins and needles.

"As you wish." Yuki walked over and dropped her glasses in the trashcan.

"Your master is not human?" I tried to feel my toes.

"He is now, Master."

Mikuru nudged me, "Order her not to call you that, ever. Please."

"Yuki, call me Kyon."

"As you wish, Kyon."

"About that bit earlier. You aren't intending to run off and kill yourself the moment we're not looking, are you?"

"No Kyon, I will take good care of your property."

"Property?"

"My life no longer belongs to my previous master. It is yours now, Kyon. I will not discard it against your wishes or interests. Correct, Mistress?"

"Yes, your value is but a pebble against the mountains of good favor I have with the dark lord. But Kyon," Mikuru turned back to me, "tell her not to call me that."

"Yuki, address Mikuru by the name she goes by here, as if she were an ordinary schoolgirl."

"Yes, Kyon."

"And Yuki, tell that guy that he can still relay messages through you."

"Yes, Kyon."

I had done it. I had freed Yuki, and from a fate far worse than I had feared for her. Why did it make me feel like a sleazebag?

The next morning as I walked stiffly up the hill to school, I considered everything that happened that night to be just a dream, until Taniguchi caught up with me.

"What was all that last night in the schoolyard?"

"Look," I turned to him, "You know me. I can always make up some slightly plausible explanation for anything. Well today, I'm all out. So all I can suggest is that perhaps Haruhi snuck up from behind and breathed on you. You caught a whiff of whatever it is that she's on, and then you just hallucinated that scene in the schoolyard."

"It's that bad?"

"It's worse." On the way to classes I stopped for an instant to glance in the trashcan. Yuki's glasses were under some other trash, including the roll of duct tape. I left them there.