11.
In no way Susanna could say to her family that the reason behind why she wanted to follow her father to Hampton Court was because she wanted to see the loathed Mr Cromwell. Instead she had said that she wanted to see Alice before they left for Dayston. Now Susanna and Simon was at the gates of the palace, anyway, and Susanna's pulse was beating fast.
What made her think that she would see Thomas Cromwell just because she put her foot inside the gates of Hampton Court? How stupid was she, really? If her father knew her thoughts, he would have left alone, and probably not let her follow him and Helen the next time they travelled to London.
They had left as soon as Alice's letter arrived. Susanna had been hurrying up when she washed herself quickly and put the same grey and green dress on, the one she wore the last time she had ben to Hampton Court.
"You don't have to dress up, Sus", Helen had said, "they know that we are simple people."
"Doesn't hurt to make an effort", Susanna had objected.
Now the guards opened the gates, after asking for Alice's letter and reading it. Some raindrops fell, and Susanna hoped that there wouldn't be a heavy rain, because it would soak her headgear. There had ben no time to arrange her hair in a pretty way, instead she had just shuffled her braid into the headgear and now she hoped that the braid wouldn't fall out of it. That would make her look like a simple middle class woman.
The red bricks of Hampton Court kind of looked familiar to her already, even though she had been there only once. Also the perfectly arranged garden with the almost totally withered roses looked like home, she thought. In what way could she feel like this, she wondered. It wasn't like she wanted a place among Anne Boleyn's maids, or any place around the palace.
At least she didn't think so, and hadn't been thinking so until that day when she and Thomas Cromwell had been speaking.
Oh, how stupid was she! Actually, she wanted to put both her palms on her forehead and slightly bang some sense into her head.
"Susanna?" her father said. "Come along. Don't forget, be polite to everyone."
"Of course", Susanna replied.
The two guards who followed them to the entrance wore red clothing and black hats. Again, Susanna was surprised over their serious faces. What did they think about her and her father? Did they think that they were going to be a threat to anyone at court? Perhaps they followed every visitor around, perhaps they suspected everyone.
There was more noise inside this time. People hurried to and fro, some maids were gossiping and giggling in a corner, and Susanna even saw who she thought might be the Queen, Anne, hurrying down the hall. She wore a purple dress and a headgear, which was adorned with pearls. A few maids was with her, but no Alice.
"Your Majesty", the two guards said as the lady hurried past them. They bowed, but neither Simon nor Susanna did something like it.
No one cared about them, though, except for the guards. One guard cought a young man, dressed in black with the red Tudor rose embroidered on his coat, and whispered something to him. Susanna wondered what, perhaps the guard told the boy to send someone to throw her and her father out.
But if that's what the guards wanted to do, they could do it; they were armed.
"Yes, sire", the boy replied and hurried away.
"He will send for your daughter first", the guard said. "You two can sit down." He gestured towards a sofa in the corner, a small one, and Simon and Susanna sat down.
Susanna played with the laces of her headgear, twisted them around her fingers, and wondered why she was this silly. What did she think, really, that she and Thomas Cromwell would have a nice chat? He was probably in his office, writing down some important letter or order.
When Alice arrived, she kisses her father and sister and then told them that Richard Brandon probably was on duty and wouldn't be able to speak with Simon until the evening.
"Why couldn't you have written this in your letter?" Simon asked. "Now we have to stay here until after supper! Come, Susanna, let's go and I will come back another day."
No, no, Susanna wanted to shout. I want to stay.
Indeed, she didn't want to go to Thomas' and Mary's home again. If her father wanted to leave, fine. But for her own part, she wanted to stay, and she knew why, but she couldn't tell either Alice or their father.
"Stay", Alice said. "I understand that this is annoying, but it would be better that you stay now when you have arrived."
"In no way", Simon objected. "I'm leaving."
Now Susanna must protest, ask Alice if she could stay while Simon left. What would their father think? He would think that Susanna had lost her mind, but if Susanna didn't ask, she would probably not return to Hampton Court.
"Please, can I stay?" she asked, her voice trembling. "I… would like to, if this is possible."
"Stay? What do you mean, Susanna?" Simon looked at her. "Stay with Alice, you mean? I thought that being a maid was nothing for you."
"No, not… I don't want to apply for becoming a maid. I would just like to stay for a while, until evening, when you return."
Simon looked at Alice, who looked troubled.
"Why do you want to stay?" Alice asked. "You know that I have to attend the Queen and that I can't spend time with you, at least not much. I'm sorry."
Again, Susanna knew that explaining why was impossible, so she lied.
"I find this place interesting… I mean, life here, I like to observe it."
"What? You can't strut around here like some random visitor!"
Of course she couldn't. Susanna's mood fell and she thought about giving up and return to her brother's home with her father. Forget about Hampton Court, a place that she loathed, anyway, and forget about Thomas Cromwell. Forget that she kind of missed their conversation and his voice, forget that she found him interesting or fascinating.
Simon wasn't happy about Susanna's request, but eventually agreed if Alice asked for the Queen's permission. Then he left, angrily, while Alice, Susanna and the guards who stood by the main door, watched him.
"What do you want?" Alice asked. "I know that you have some reason to stay here. What is it? Is it a man? And who is he? I didn't believe that you were this silly…" Alice went on and on and Susanna wanted to put her own palms over Alice's mouth.
What did the guards in their red uniforms really think? Did they listen? Susanna hoped that they didn't, that they just focused on whatever there was to focus on; maids and servants passing by, for example. Of course they listened to Alice's and Susanna's argument, and of course they wondered why their father had rushed out. Susanna's face felt like it burned, her pulse accelerated and she hoped that the guards wouldn't remember this after a while.
"Who. is. he." Alice expressed every word with a pause between it. "Don't tell me that you fell for one of the guards or someone around here."
"You fell for someone around here."
"Hush!" Alice stared at her. "It's a secret, really, if it gets out, I'm kicked out at once."
Maybe that would be good, Susanna thought. She couldn't tell Alice about Thomas Cromwell, and what was there to tell? The fact that she liked his voice? Or the fact that she had enjoyed their talk?
"It's no one." Susanna lied.
"I heard a rumour", Alice whispered. "You spoke to mr Cromwell the last time you were here. You let him speak to you."
Of course I let him speak to me! What would I have done? Susanna didn't say this, but it was what she thought.
"Speaking of him", Susanna dared to say, "do you know where he is? I have to ask him something."
"Ask him something?" Alice echoed. "What would you ask him? Are you friendly with him all of a sudden? Do you like him?"
Now Susanna had to hush Alice.
"I don't… yes, we talked and I forgot to ask him something. It's private. It doesn't concern you or our parents."
Alice looked at her for a long time, and so did the guards, Susanna imagined. Even though Alice didn't shout, Susanna felt that the guards overheard everything and that they would report it to someone, and then send for someone to throw Susanna out.
"What on Earth would you ask Mr Cromwell? I thought you hated him." Alice dragged Susanna to a corner of the hall, beside a big table and a wooden cupboard. On the shelves Susanna could see glass bowls and small, wooden boxes with some coloured pattern on them.
"Souvenirs", Alice explained. "Some are from Spain, and His Majesty hasn't got rid of them."
"Were they Queen Katherine's?"
"Hush, she isn't Queen anymore and watch your tongue. Now, what do you want to ask Cromwell? I can send for someone to ask him. You don't have to go."
Susanna wondered if Alice would understand. Apparrently she didn't understand, or maybe she did, and tried to talk Susanna out of this.
"I want to go", Susanna said eventually. "Please, Alice. I want to talk to him." her voice sounded childish, begging, and she regretted that, but couldn't control how it sounded.
"Fine", Alice sighed. "You are mad. You know that he is a widower, right?"
What do you think? That I will marry him? Now you are the one who is mad, Susanna thought while looking at Alice.
"Of course. I'm not planning to marry him, I just want to ask him something. It's… important."
"Okay. You can always ask if he wants to talk to you, and he probably doesn't want to."
"Can you not tell father or mother? Or anyone?"
"Susanna. Things like this come out and then we have the rumours all over us. But you already know what that's like, don't you?" Alice looked at her with a serious gaze and Susanna looked away.
"I do", she replied. "If you won't help, I will ask someone where he is."
"Really, sister, you sound desperate. May the Lord help you."
"Don't be blasphemic", Susanna corrected her.
"Mr Cromwell is probably in the Secretary, in his office, or at His Majesty's side like the puppet that he really is", Alice said. "Ask a guard to show you to him. I can't go with you, there would be gossip immediately."
"Thank you", Susanna said, and left.
She asked the guard who had stood as far away from her and Alice as possible, and hoped that he hadn't overheard the argument. When she asked him if he could show her the way to Mr Cromwell's office, the guard wantd to know what business Susanna had with him.
"I just want to ask him something." She knew that this explanation was useless.
"What do you want to ask him? You know that he is busy, don't you?" The guard stared at Susanna and Susanna knew that the guard's words were true and that she should give up this stupid idea.
"I want to ask…" she paused, trying to come up with a good question. "I want to ask if he can help my family, because my sister is a maid of honour here and my family would need Mr Cromwell's advice regarding…"
"Then why don't your family send a letter to Mr Cromwell as many others do?"
"We can't read or write."
"Your father can't read or write?"
"My father… doesn't know that I'm asking for Mr Cromwell's advice."
"Then perhaps you should tell your father to write a letter first and then you can return here with it. Even better, your father could deliver the letter himself."
"He doesn't live in London. I'm here to visit my brother's family." Susanna hoped that the guard wouldn't figure the truth out; that her whole family actually was in London for the moment.
"Who is your brother?"
"His name is Thomas Howard."
"Howard as in Her Majesty's relatives?"
"No. We aren't related to this family. But we have… lots of respect for Her Majesty."
"So I hope", the guard muttered. "Well. I will lead you to Mr Cromwell's office, but if he is busy, you have to leave. Understood?"
"Yes, sir."
The guard frowned. "You call me sir? You are a country girl, for sure."
"I'm no girl."
"Perhaps not, but you act like one. Let's go." He started walking and grabbed Susanna's arm, and Susanna felt that the other guards stared at them.
Charles Brandon suddenly walked into the hall and looked quickly at Susanna and the guard, then continued walking. Susanna hoped that Mr Brandon hadn't recognized her. If he had, then what did he think of her?
When they were at the door outside Cromwell's office, the guard knocked at the door and then waited. Susanna's pulse hadn't calmed down, and her face didn't feel much cooler.
After a while, a younger boy opened the door. Susanna had no idea who this boy was, whether he was a servant or even Cromwell's son. The boy wore black clothing and looked serious, and he asked what the guard wanted.
"I beg your pardon, but this woman has some errand for Lord Cromwell", the guard said.
"What errand?" The boy's eyebrows were wrinkled.
"I don't know. Should I take her out of here?"
"No. Let her stay. It's probably one of the many economic errands anyway. Come in, Mrs…"
"Susanna Howard", Susanna blurted out and hoped that the boy wouldn't notice that she wore no wedding ring.
The guard left her and Susanna stepped inside the office. It was warm and dark, except for some candles. Thomas Cromwell stood by the window and read something, he held a paper in is hands and looked at it with his usual serious face expression.
"Excuse me, Mr Cromwell." Susanna's voice trembled. "I…"
Cromwell looked at her and put the paper down. His face looked as confused as the boy's, and Susanna wanted to leave. What errand would she pretend to have? What question would she come up with?
"You are…?" Cromwell asked.
"Susanna Howard. My sister is…"
Cromwell looked at her.
"I remember. Your sister is one of the maids." Cromwell's voice was calm and Susanna wanted to smile just because he remembered her.
"You had a question or an errand?"
"Yes…" No, I don't have a question, Mr Cromwell.
What am I going to say? she thought. He must think that I'm mad or desperate, a woman who knows nothing about chastity and manners. Now he will probably feel deep disrespect, not only for me, but also for my sister and for my father, if he ever steps into Hampton Court again. Maybe he will even tell His Majesty about this matter, and eventually Alice will be dismissed.
Susanna's heart beat fast while she looked at Thomas Cromwell's deeply serious face. She wanted to run out of his office, out of the palace and through the perfect garden and then back to her brother's home.
"What is it, miss Howard?"
"Nothing." At least this was almost true.
"Then why are you here?"
Now she must speak, otherwise Mr Cromwell would probably call for someone to throw her out and ban her from coming back.
"I wanted to see you", she said, eventually, and saw Cromwell look at her intensely.
"Why so?" He asked.
Oh dear, why? I missed you. I missed your voice. I missed our conversation even though I shouldn't.
Of course she couldn't say this. Perhaps she should run out now before she was casted out?
"I…" Susanna stopped, hesitated. "I wanted to talk more to you, that day… you know… when we met at first."
Cromwell still looked at her. Susanna felt the room's heat on her forehead and she wiped it with her sleeve.
"I know that you are probably busy and I'm sorry to disturb you", she said.
"Don't worry. I wasn't writing anything important right now, anyway. Now, what did you really want?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
What a silly explanation, she thought.
"Then why didn't you write to me? Many women write to me regarding different affairs, regarding their husband's economic troubles and so on. Is it something like this you wanted to ask me?"
"I can only write my name", Susanna said, with a face that was probably red.
"I see. That's why you came here. Who is your husband?"
"I'm not… I'm not married."
"I understand… maybe you told me that before. Then what is your errand? does it concern your father or your brother?"
"No…"
Cromwell was silent and waited for her to speak, but she didn't know what she should say, even though she struggled to find it out.
12.
Cromwell and Susanna stood in the office while Susanna felt her face become hotter. She wanted to get out, and to go home. Why did I come here, she asked herself. How silly am I?
."Susanna", Cromwell finally said. "What is your errand?"
"I wanted to talk to you."
"So you said…" Cromwell looked confused. "About what?"
"I just missed you… I mean, I missed talking to you. There was more that I wanted to ask you about." Susanna heard how silly this sounded, even she thought of herself as being ridiculous.
Cromwell would probably throw her out, but Susanna wished that he would want her to stay, perhaps over the night.
What am I thinking? In a way she was horrified by her own feelings and thoughts. She felt split, and confused. Normally she knew what was right and what she would do; and even though she knew that it was wrong of her to desire someone like Thomas Cromwell - someone that she could never marry - she still followed her emotions like a child.
"So", Cromwell said. "What do you want to ask?"
"About your family", Susanna said with a trembling voice.
"What about my family? I have one living son, thanks be to God, and as I told you, my wife and daughters have passed away due to sickness."
Susanna knew this, and she also knew that if she wanted to do the right thing, she should turn and walk away, straight out of Hampton Court.
"I'm sorry about that", she said.
"So you said before."
"I did."
Someone knocked at the door, and when Cromwell opened, a servant mumbled something and gave him a piece of paper.
"Another letter to be read", Cromwell said when he closed the door. "I suppose that you are here without your parents permission."
"They know that I'm here but not that I went to your office."
"I see."
Silence.
"My sister knows. She thinks that I'm mad."
"For what reason?" Cromwell looked at her and Susanna looked down, because the way that he looked into her eyes was similar to hpw Richard had looked at her. It was no creepy or hungry gaze, but a tender one.
Susanna couldn't answer, but Cromwell suddenly touched her arm, slightly, and Susanna shivered. It felt like a spark from one of the candles had touched her slightly, and she didn't want him to remove his hand.
"Come with me", Cromwell said. "We can't stay in the office."
He opened the door and went out, and Susanna followed him with her pulse still beating fast.
.What am I doing, what am I doing, she felt her heart beat.
Outside, a few guards looked at them, but didn't say anything. Susanna thought that perhaps the guards thought that she was a mistress of Cromwell, or a relative. Cromwell wasn't known for having any mistresses, in contrast to His Majesty who always had one around.
"My rooms", Cromwell whispered. "We can talk there."
Susanna stopped, with her face burning. What did he think of her? Did he think that she wanted something else, something that would be a sin to commit?
"I'm not like that", she mumbled.
"Like what? Neither am I. I won't do anything to you. But you said that you wanted to ask me something and it doesn't look good if someone comes into the office and we are there alone."
He was right. Susanna could hardly imagine the embarrassent she would have felt if anyone - a guard, a servant - had entered the office while she and Cromwell were in there. Words would go around Hampton Court and rumours would start, even if the rumours would be false.
Cromwell's bedchamber was quite small, but contained a bed, big enough for one person, a desk and a tiny drawer. Susanna wondered whether he kept any other clothes than his usual black coat and trousers that he wore around court. And where did he put the chain of office when he went to bed?
"Well, here is my room, we can talk here", Cromwell said.
Susanna's heart wasn't any calmer than it had been before, and she inspected the room. On the desk there were rolls of paper, a pen made out of a feather - well, what else would a pen be made of - a bottle that contained ink, and the Holy Bible. Susanna looked at the Bible and thought: I should get out, really, I should go now before I committ any sin.
It was a bad thing that she was here, alone, with a man that she wasn't married to, even if they hadn't done anything impure.
The daylight was grey outside the window, Susanna noticed. Her father would be back at Hampton Court soon, in order to talk to Richard Brandon, and then Susanna was supposed to go home to her brother's house with her father.
"Susanna", Cromwell said. "You seem worried. I'm not here to disgrace you, don't worry."
"I know."
"Still, you are worried." He touched her cheek with his fingers, and again, Susanna felt like a spark from one of the candles had landed on her cheek.
This is wrong, this is definitely wrong, she thought as she also, carefully, put her own fingers at Cromwell's right cheek and held them there.
They were silent. Susanna swallowed and thought that she should go, that she should find out a question to ask, because she had said that she wanted to ask him something.
"Susanna", Cromwell said again with his dark voice. "You told me that you are not married."
"I'm not."
"Then, are you betrothed to anyone?"
"I was." Immediately, Susanna regretted this answer, because now what would Cromwell think of her?
13.
Cromwell looked at her and Susanna really wondered what he thought of her. Perhaps he thought that she was a bad woman, a desperate one, someone who wanted to seduce him in order to make him help her or her family.
She was nothing like it. But how would she explain this? It wasn't like she seemed trustworthy now, in this situation, alone with him in his room; his bedroom.
"Does your son live here, too?" she asked, mostly because she wanted to say something.
"Yes, he lives here but doesn't share my bedroom." Cromwell's voice was dark and soft, and Susanna wanted to hear his voice more.
"What is his name?"
"Gregory." Cromwell smiled a bit. "Why?"
"I just wondered." Susanna wanted to put her palm over her forehead. How stupid was she, really?
Now, what did Cromwell think? Did he believe that she was after his son?
"What happened with your fiancée?" he asked.
Oh, she could have predicted this question. She had mentioned her previous betrothal, and of course Cromwell could ask her about it.
"He left me." That was enough as an explanation, Susanna thought, because Cromwell didn't have to know the truth.
"I'm sorry", he said. "Now how are you doing? Staying with your parents?"
"Yes, I'm staying at my father's home."
"And he looks after you?"
"My father is a good man."
"Of course. But he belongs to the old faith. He sticks to the old traditions, I know."
Susanna was silent. Of course Cromwell knew which families who kept the old faith and who didn't.
"We accepted the oath", she mumbled.
"You did. Very well. I didn't like the executions." Cromwell paused. "I didn't, really."
"You didn't?" Susanna knew that perhaps she shouldn't ask about this, but it was what she wanted to ask him.
Actually, she wanted to throw all this in his face; the arrests, the executions, the martyrdom of Sir Thomas More and Cardinal Fisher.
"No, Susanna. I didn't." Cromwell's voice was serious. "Do you think so?" He stepped closer and Susanna looked down.
"Maybe", she said. "You went through with it all. Why?"
"I obey His Majesty's orders. I'm not like your father, or like you."
"Like me?" Now, what did he mean?
"Well, you took the oath, but you can keep whatever faith you want in your heart. You are free, you don't have to obey anyone's orders except for your father's and of course, your father has to obey to the law."
"Free?" Susanna wondered whether she was free. Perhaps she was more free than Thomas Cromwell, but it wasn't like he hadn't chosen to become a servant of His Majesty.
"Like I said. You are no one's servant. Do you want to sit down?"
Susanna looked around but saw only the bed and the chair in front of the table. Cromwell couldn't suggest that she would sit on his bed, could he?
"Do you?" she asked, and felt even more silly. "Aren't you busy?"
"Not now. You asked to see me. If you want to leave, you can. Are you afraid?"
Afraid? Of what would she be afraid - of him? No, she wasn't, afraid was no word that described her mixed feelings.
"No", she said.
"I'm glad. I don't want to frighten you."
Susanna hesitated, then she asked:
"What do you think of me? Why did you take me to your… room?"
"It seemed like you wanted privacy."
"Privacy, yes, but…"
"Susanna. Why did you come to see me?" Cromwell looked at her with a gaze that Susanna couldn't describe, not then, nor later. And she had no answer, except the one that she committed with her right palm.
She put her palm over Cromwell's cheek, and all the time her pulse beat you are stupid, you are stupid, you are stupid, in her ears.
"I'm not one of these women who…" she mumbled as she stroke his cheek.
"I know", he mumbled. "And I'm not one of these men. I'm a widower. Not a ladies man."
She kept her hand on his cheek even though she knew that she should remove it. On one hand, she wanted to touch him, to stroke his cheek, tenderly touch his lips with her fingertips. Oh, these thoughts, why did they come to her? Perhaps she really was what she tried to convince both Cromwell and herself that she wasn't.
"You came to see me", Cromwell mumbled.
"I did", she replied.
His cheek was soft and clean shaved, yet she could see a hint of a beard and a moustache when she was this close. He smelled soap and perhaps a bit of ink - Susanna wan't sure what the smell of ink felt like. When he put his palm to her face, she noticed a stain of black ink on his thumb. Well, he had been in his office when she came, and most likely he had been writing something.
"You are pretty, Susanna." His voice, dark and soft, again.
She didn't reply, but she thought of what to reply in case she was going to reply. But what does one reply on such a statement? Thank you. You are pretty as well. No, you are handsome. She couldn't say these things.
Then she did the most stupid thing that she had done since she came to Hampton Court: she kissed him, softly, reluctant. Cromwell's lips were soft and didn't at all feel like Richard's lips - Richard's lips had been hungry and a bit desperate, not tender like this. Cromwell's hand still lay against her cheek and now he slowly stroked his fingers down her chin.
"Susanna", he mumbled. "Do you want this from me?"
But he kissed her as well, carefully, a bit plump perhaps, and Susanna didn't want him to stop kissing her or stroking her cheek.
14.
"I do", she mumbled, even though that answer wasn't appropriate.
But what this was, she wasn't sure of. She figured that neither did Cromwell know, because he seemed to hesitate when he kissed her and slowly put his arms around her.
"Susanna", he said again. "You know that we are not betrothed and that we can't be betrothed to each other in the future."
Of course she knew, but she didn't know why he had responded to her kiss, this mistake that she had committed. She had already committed a mistake with Richard, and now what was she about to make? If this wasn't a mistake, then what was it?
For some reason she became teary-eyed, and she wanted to put her head against Cromwell's chest and make him comfort her. For what reason would he comfort her, and for what reason was she sad? Was it because she felt split, or worried, or weak? How could she give in like this, just like before? At least she had been betrothed at that time, even though that was no excuse.
On the other hand, she didn't want to go as far with Cromwell, as she had done with Richard. How she had regretted that moment and still did!
"What is it?" Cromwell asked.
Susanna was silent and wondered how she could explain her mixed feelings.
"We are committing a sin", she said.
"I know. But I'm not… I want to ask you something, if I may", he said, and Susanna wondered why he sounded this polite.
.It's not like he is going to propose to me, she thought, and my father would never accept it.
Why did this stupid thought come to her? She knew that Cromwell would never want to marry her, and now she wondered why she even thought about this. It wasn't like she wanted to marry him, or did she want that?
Of what could she be sure now? Her feelings weren't the same as they had been, neither were her thoughts the same. Before she had met Cromwell, she had been sure that she didn't like him, that she despised him, but now she had realized that he was more complex than she had thought. He had told her that he didn't like the executions that he had to go through with.
As if that was a good excuse. Cromwell shouldn't be such a coward, he should have a spine and not obey His Majesty all the time.
"What do you want to ask", Susanna said, and it didn't sound like a question.
Cromwell looked at her as they stood there.
"Do you love me?"
This was his question, and Susanna was quite speechless. Did she love him? Love, wasn't it a deeper feeling, more complex than passion and longing was? She didn't knew Thomas Cromwell, she didn't know what kind of person he was except for what she had heard about him. But he seemed complex, and she was curious about him for some reason.
And she wanted him to like her - perhaps not to love her - and for this she bashed herself.
She wasn't supposed to be a desperate woman, who wanted to be loved just by any man.
Especially not to be loved by someone like Thomas Cromwell.
"I don't know", she answered. "Does it matter to you?"
Cromwell still held her, and he seemed to think.
"I don't want to hurt you", he said. "If you love me… I can't return this feeling, you know… it's not possible."
Even though she didn't love him - perhaps she could love him in the future though - his words felt like small needles, and she wondered why. If she didn't feel love for him, then why did it hurt when he told her that it was impossible, this relation, or whatever this was?
She had to ask him what he wanted from her, and why he didn't reject her.
"What do you want?" she asked, while looking down.
"Susanna… I don't know you well. And you don't know me either."
It seemed like he wanted to get out, that he wanted to reject her after all, and she wanted to affect him somehow, in order to make him want her to be there. How could she affect him, how would she be able to do so? She knew that she should run out and never enter Hampton Court again.
"What are you saying", she said, and wanted the sentence to sound like a question. But it sounded weak, and flat, and monotonous.
"I'm saying that this is no good", Cromwell said. "You are pretty, and you seem kind… but I can't… this is wrong."
Of course it was wrong.
"I know", Susanna agreed. "I just… I don't know. I know that I should not be here and that it is wrong…" She hesitated. "I don't know if I love you. I loved a man once and he betrayed me."
Perhaps she shouldn't tell Cromwell the whole story about Richard and why he had abandoned her.
"Sit with me", Cromwell said, and made a gesture towards the bed.
That made Susanna hesitate even more, because wouldn't sitting on his bed seem… inappropriate, even more inappropriate than being alone with him, here?
"I will not hurt you." Cromwell's voice, this dark and soft voice, made Susanna want to cry again.
What was wrong with her, really? She didn't understand herself and her reactions.
Well, then. She agreed to what he had just said and sat down on his bed, carefully, like a cat who gracefully sits down and wraps his tail around him. But Susanna didn't have any tail - she wrapped her skirts around her and was careful to not show any skin except for what was visible always - the face, the throat and the hands.
This situation didn't seem real to her. The fact that she was in Thomas Cromwell's bedroom and alone with him, made her think that perhaps she was dreaming. If this was a nightmare or a good dream, she didn't know. 15.
Helen and Simon Howard looked at Susanna, and Susanna looked down while she most of all wanted to run to her bedroom and cry. She was back in Dayston, because Alice had sent for their brother to take Susanna there - and her parents weren't happy with her. The day was cloudy and it felt like there was going to be rain, but there was no rain yet.
"How old do you think that you are?" Helen yelled, while standing in the kitchen, looking at Susanna.
Susanna didn't reply.
"You act like a seventeen year old, silly girl!" Helen continued. "But you are 27, a grown woman, old enough to have a family of her own! If this bastard Richard hadn't left you, then it would have been better."
These words were probably Helen's private opinions, but she didn't usually express them like this, and not to Susanna's face.
"Thomas Cromwell, really?" Helen almost spitted on the kitchen floor. "You are mad, girl, I can not understand you."
Neither can I, Susanna thought. I do not understand why I went to him.
"Am I supposed to believe that you only talked in there?" Helen continued. "You did not kiss or do anything else inappropriate?"
"We only talked." This was of course a lie, because they had kissed, twice.
The first kiss had taken place while they stood on the floor in his bedroom, and the other while they sat on the bed.
Helen sat down, and Susanna wondered if her mother was finished with the lecture. It was morning, and Susanna had arrived late last evening. Her brother hadn't stayed, but gone back to London, but he had adviced Simon and Helen to talk some sense into Susanna.
"Why him, Susanna?" Helen said now. "Why Thomas Cromwell? We don't like him, you know what he has done!"
"I don't know", Susanna almost sobbed. "I don't know. I just wanted to… ask him something, and then we talked more. I felt… I felt that I could talk to him, that he listened."
"Men only listen to silly girls for one reason."
"I'm no girl."
"Even worse, you are a woman and should know better!"
Forts. ch. 10:
Of course, Susanna was a grown up woman and yes, she should indeed know better.
15. May, 1536
As mentioned, Susanna Howard was back in Dayston, and it was almost summer. The month of May was here, and Dayston was green and warm. Susanna and the other women wore thinner skirts and dresses as they worked at home and in the gardens. And Susanna's father worked in the fields and looked after the sheep as usual.
The Howards had had to slaughter one sheep for the annual slaughter, and Susanna and her mother had been taking care of the meat and the wool. Susanna worked with the spinning wheel every day, and Helen usually took over in the evenings. After all, Susanna didn't want to be outside very much and meet the villagers gazes and imagine their judgemental thoughts.
Thomas Cromwell's mistress, there she is, back at her father's home like nothing happened.
Susanna was indeed back in Dayston, but she had not been a mistress of Thomas Cromwell. They had kissed twice and then Alice had gossiped to her and Susanna's brother who immediately sent for their father.
Simon and Helen rarely beat their children, and especially not now when the children were adults. But their disappointment in Susanna was huge.
Susanna wasn't sure what her parents really believed. Did they believe in the rumours about her being a mistress of Mr Cromwell? She had tried to defend herself and tell them that nothing like it happened, but neither Helen nor Simon had wanted to listen. They didn't want to discuss either Hampton Court or Mr Cromwell. Susanna had failed them, she knew that, and she also knew that they were still disappointed.
Well, she had to stay here in Dayston now. In no way she could travel to London and especially not go near Hampton Court. And what would she do there, alone? She couldn't travel alone, and if she asked someone to take her to London, word would be out just after she had left, if not before.
Staying here shouldn't be difficult, she thought. She had been heartbroken before, and back then she had felt like the days were long and empty. The nights had been her escape, because at best she fell asleep. At worst, she lay awake, or dreamt about Richard and his betrayal.
Some of the events that had taken place during this year had reached Dayston. Everyone knew that the previous Queen, and the rightful Queen, Katherine of Aragon, had passed away due to sickness, in January. The Howards had mourned and prayed for her. Susanna thought of her often, and she felt sad over her fate. Rumours said that Katherine had sent a letter to the King, asking to see him, but he didn't fulfill her last wish. This made Susanna feel like she wanted to cry. Poor Katherine, poor, lonely, and sad, she had passed away without getting to meet either her daughter Mary, or her rightful husband. The way His Majesty had treated Katherine was awful, because he had decided that Mary Tudor was a bastard and then separated her and Katherine from each other.
Now they wouldn't meet, ever, in this life.
Even Alice thought that this was horrible. During Easter, she had been allowed to visit Dayston, and she had told her parents and Susanna about His Majesty's bad temper and decisions that he made while he was in the middle of a heated emotion.
"He never let Katherine meet Mary", she had said. "He tells everyone that Mary is a bastard, and now he will probably treat Princess Elizabeth in the same way. Everyone knows that he despises the Queen now because she hasn't given birth to any sons."
Alice was right. Now, Queen Anne was arrested, and for what, this charge that so many are arrested and tried for: treason - in the means of adultery.
Of course, Susanna still despised her, but she couldn't think that it was fair to arrest her for treason. Everyone knew what punishment traitors faced: execution.
Could His Majesty just send Queen Anne away? Why did he want her killed?
Susanna heard rumours all the way from London. The rumours said that the Queen had betrayed King Henry and that she had deceived him. She hadn't been a virgin at the time of the marriage. Of course she hadn't been a virgin - to Susanna this rumour was no surprise.
"It's Cromwell's doing", people around Dayston said. "And for once, I support him."
Susanna didn't know whether she supported him in bringing the Queen down, or not. Most people wanted a Catholic Queen, someone who was true to the Faith. Queen Anne was a Reformist, just like Cromwell.
At the thought of Cromwell, Susanna's heart started to ache again. It didn't ache as bad as it did when her brother had forced her to leave London, but still she dreamt about Thomas Cromwell and missed their moments together.
What moments, she thought. It was a few silly moments and I was stupid. Yet, she missed him, and thought about him as she was at home and did her daily tasks.
She wanted to ask him about the Queen, about whether he thought that she was guilty. People said that the musician Mark Smeaton had been tortured in order to confess his relationship with Her Majesty. And it was Cromwell who was in charge of the torture and the questionings.
How could he put up with watching probably innocent men suffer?
I should have asked him about that, Susanna thought.
Once Cromwell watched an innocent man boil to death. It had been a punishment for a crime that he probably hadn't committed, at least the rumours said so. Now Cromwell had been interrogating people and making them confess the crime of having a forbidden relation with Her Majesty. Among the men was George Boleyn, the Queen's brother. In no way he was guilty, Susanna couldn't believe it. It was Cromwell's doing.
And Susanna had been kissing this wretch, and still she yearned for him.