Arriving at Jensen's - their – house was an almost surreal experience. It felt like he was dreaming and that any minute now he was going to wake up in his old life, the life he remembered. The life that didn't include a husband he was supposed to love but couldn't place, a husband who probably didn't recognize him either. Jared knew he was no longer the man that Jensen had married, how could he be with no memory of their time together? No memory of Jensen's existence! This whole thing was just so ridiculous, it couldn't be real, had to be some fucked-up dream caused by an overactive imagination and passing out drunk in front of the TV again. Logically he knew that it wasn't and for all his wishful thinking, this was real. He was trapped in this other Jared's life and he had never felt so scared and alone before. He was trapped, that was all that kept echoing through Jared's mind. Jensen would never understand how crossing the threshold into that house felt like the beginning of a prison sentence. How could he expect Jensen to understand when Jared didn't even understand it himself? Jared almost wished Jensen would do something, anything to contradict the king loving and tender exterior he was so willingly showing to Jared, at least then he wouldn't feel so ridiculous for being so nervous. It would certainly be easier to grasp where this overwhelming panic was coming from if his husband was anything less than the perfect gentleman he appeared to be. The thing was that no matter how hard Jared tried to convince himself that his imagination was getting the better of him, he couldn't stop wondering if he should trust his instincts here. After all it's not like he had anything else he could really trust to go on without the past three years of his memory. It was almost as if every time he saw Jensen there was something lurking at the forefront of his mind, something important that he should remember but couldn't. He just couldn't shake the feeling that Jensen was familiar to him on some unconscious level. Even thinking it made Jared feel all kinds of stupid, they were married, and of course Jared's unconscious remembered his own damn husband, even if Jared couldn't himself. So why, every time he thought about it, every time he tried to recall Jensen, it wasn't love or affection he felt, it was fear, anger even. And it scared him all the more that he was left with these feelings but he just couldn't understand or remember why! Why did he feel this way when he thought of Jensen? Were they fighting before Jared's accident? Were his last memories of Jensen and their disintegrating relationship filtering through? Why couldn't he just remember what happened between them?

Jared was snapped out of his reverie by Jensen's return, and when had he even left? Jared must have been so caught up in his own inner conflict that he hadn't even noticed Jensen leave to go wherever he'd momentarily disappeared to. He was back now though, all loving smiles and touches. It amazed Jared how tender and patient Jensen was with him. Not for the first time since waking up to Jensen back at the hospital Jared wondered how he'd even found someone like Jensen, let alone married them. Jensen was so perfect; it was hared to picture them ever having a fight, so where were these feelings coming from? How did they meet? What was their relationship like? Suddenly the need to know was too strong and there was only one way in that moment that Jared could see to fix it.

"Hey, Jensen?" Jared ventured, the words leaving his mouth before he registered them.

"Yeah baby?" came Jensen's reply, his eyes flicking down to Jared's from where he had been inspecting a rather impressive cut adorning his forehead.

"I was just wondering . . ."

"What is it? You hurting? You need me to get you your pain meds?"

"No, . . . Jensen . . ."

"You hungry? You want something to eat?"

"What? No . . . I'm fine . . . I just want . . ."

". . . You sure cos you look really pale. When was the last time you ate baby, huh? Do you remember?"

" . . .No . . . I don't know . . .That's not important right now. . ."

"Not important. Your wasting away . . ."

"JENSEN! That is not the point right now o.k.? The point is I wanna talk about us!"

Jensen's whole body went rigid at that. The previously kind and loving face completely closed off in an instant and when he finally responded, the words came out tight and clipped.

"What about us, Jay?"

"Well, it's just . . . I don't know anything about our relationship . . . and that's not fair on either of us, so I want to know. I want to remember . . . or at least try to . . . do you think, maybe, you could help me out?"

Jared's tentative smile and shy words apparently didn't do a thing to ease the other man.

"Do we have to do this right now Jay? Can we rest up first?"

"Well at least tell me how we met . . ."

Turning his back on Jared, Jensen swore softly under his breath. Jared watched him clench his fists tightly before he spoke through gritted teeth.

"Jared, please. I really don't wanna do this right now kay? So just drop it."

The last part was growled – a clear warning. But then, Jared had never been very good at taking warnings.

"I don't see what the problem is . . . I only want to . . ."

"Damnit Jay! I said no! What part of not now isn't getting through to you? Huh? You just got out of hospital for fucks sake and now your expecting a frigging life story! Stop with the fucking 20 questions Jay!"

Seeing the stricken look on Jared's adorning Jared's face, Jensen immediately softened again. Jensen's voice was gentle as he reached out towards Jared like he was a spooked horse.

"Oh god, I'm sorry Jay. I'm so sorry. I never should've snapped like that. It's not your fault. It's just, I'm still getting used to this whole situation same as you. Neither of us has any idea where to go from here. I just need a little time to process everything, and I really can't deal with all the questions right now kay? I really am so, so sorry baby. . . Hey, you hungry? Tell you what, you go make yourself comfortable and I'll rustle us up something to eat. That sound good to you?"

Without waiting for an answer Jensen headed to the kitchen leaving Jared to stare after him, still reeling from the shock. Jensen had just exploded at him, and for a second the intensity in that furious gaze had chilled Jared to the bone. Could the stress of the situation they were in really cause a reaction like that? Could it really alter a person's entire demeanor in an instant? Jensen had gone from kind and loving to terrifying sociopath in a matter of minutes. Wasn't that a little extreme? Especially when the verbal explosion was directed at his amnesiac husband. But then, maybe that was it. Jared didn't remember Jensen, not specifically anyway, he had no memory of him or their time together. Jensen had basically lost his husband with no way to tell if he was ever going to get him back. God, Jared felt like suck a selfish prick. Sure he'd lost his memory, but Jensen had lost a central part of his life and Jared had never even considered his feelings. Jared was still alive and breathing, but he wasn't the same man Jensen knew. Wasn't the man Jensen fell in love with. Wasn't the man Jensen married. Not anymore. Jared can't even imagine how hard that must be for him, no wonder he went off like that! Thinking about their relationship reminds Jensen of what he's lost! Jared can't believe how inconsiderate he'd been of Jensen's feelings when he'd asked those questions. Jared didn't want Jensen to hurt, of course he didn't, but he also didn't want to go on not knowing anything about their life together. Maybe if he could piece together something of his life with Jensen he'd remember, then Jensen would get his husband back and everything would go back to how it was before his accident. Piecing together his and Jensen's life sounded like a good idea in theory, in practice however it proved a lot more difficult than he'd anticipated.

TBC.