A/N: Hi again, I'm so pleased with how well this story is going down with everyone, seriously didn't think I'd have this kind of response, thanks so much for the reviews so far. I know I only updated last night but this was already written so I thought I might as well just post it now. I'm not sure when the next update will be, even though it's half term I've got so many college assignments to do so I won't have much time to spare until this weekend at the latest. It all starts to move a bit quicker from now on, I know where I'm going with this for at least the next few chapters so I'm hoping everyone will enjoy what's coming up.
Reviews would be cute as frick xo
Three;
It's just under a week later that they see each other again.
Five days, to be exact.
Five long, excruciating days of over-analysing possible situations and praying that Alex doesn't decide to cancel at the last minute.
But she doesn't, so here Piper is, 6pm on a rainy Wednesday, sitting at the same desk in the same room of the same hospital thinking about the same patient. Always the same patient.
Alex hasn't changed much since the last time they met; she'll probably always be secretive and mysterious and the challenge Piper has been craving since she started this job.
"I didn't think you'd call, if I'm honest."
"Oh, believe me, I wasn't going to."
"What made you change your mind?"
Alex smiles a little, then. Only slightly, the corners of her full lips pulling up to reveal a hint of teeth. It's so timid, and so endearing that Piper can't help but sit there and allow her brain to be flooded with thoughts of Alex as a little girl, all ponytails and timid smiles and naivety.
She never does answer that question truthfully.
Only shrugs, mood dipping slightly again, "nobody likes a quitter."
Their sessions continue like that for a while.
Alex will arrive promptly but will never be the one who talks first, almost like she's afraid starting a conversation will mean there is no escape.
After a while, she'll soften slightly, answer Piper's questions, and engage in small talk, even make a few sarcastic remarks here and there at the blonde's expense.
Then suddenly something will switch; the change in her mood clearly visible in her eyes. She'll say something too deep, reveal something too serious, and she'll stop. She'll turn cold, she'll close up, and she'll leave in a fluster. Always.
Piper learns after a while that many things trigger that kind of reaction within Alex.
It happens every time the topic of conversation edges towards her childhood; how her mother worked multiple jobs and was never around; how she was bullied for not having all the things all the other girls had. Alex very rarely talks about her childhood, but when she does, it's like she's back there. She utters the words when I was a kid or when I was at school and Piper can see her fall apart right before her very eyes. The winged eyeliner and leather are being stripped back and beneath it all there's just this terrified little girl, pissed off and confused at the world because it's not turning out how she expected.
For a long time, Piper doesn't really understand why childhood experiences still hit Alex so hard.
And then, one day, she does.
That day starts off no different than any other where therapy sessions with Alex Vause are concerned. She walks in, face like thunder, and sits down heavily. Piper gets a feeling of dread in her stomach, the discomfort a little like the feeling you get when you realise everything is turning to shit and there's nothing you can do about it.
Suddenly, Alex starts talking like she's rushing to get the words out before they stop forming. It's like a volcano has erupted somewhere inside her and the lava and ashes are filling up in her lungs and she needs a way to release them. She needs to get this fire off her chest.
"You know when you're a kid, and the whole time you're at school you're just there thinking, 'it's okay, this doesn't last forever' and you give yourself something to look forward to, something to get you through it all? Like, some kids think about taking a year to go travelling around the world before they start college or something…" There's a pause as Alex dares herself to go deeper, toys with the idea of clamming up and leaving as per, or being the grown adult she's expected to be and face up to the things that drag her down. "I had one of those things… just a little idea… I pictured it in my head every single day for years and it was gonna be so perfect and right…"
Alex inhales deep and slow, as if she's sucking in particles of courage from the air around her.
"Never did tell you about my parents, did I?" She asks non-rhetorically, looking up at Piper with a face painted with neither sadness nor anger, something the blonde finds difficult to comprehend.
"Nope, I asked one question about them and you left."
Though she'd never admit it, Piper spent a lot of time after that session wondering why Alex had fled so suddenly. Well, she spends a lot of time after every session wondering why Alex does the things she does. She worried she'd offended her, or tried to dig too deep, and silently vowed to never mention her parents again. Their weekly meetings had been going on for just over a month now, and Alex had barely uttered more than a few fragmented sentences per session in the past.
"I don't have any parents anymore," the brunette states simply, holding on to her composure with all her might. "I had a dad for about ten minutes. I had a mum, but she died nearly five years ago. I don't like talking about her though. I don't want to talk about her."
Piper swallows deeply, eyes wide. "Talk about your dad then."
Alex sighs. "My mum always used to tell me he was this really famous drummer in some rock band no one had ever heard of. She used to say he loved me but was too busy to visit, and that whenever someone made fun of me for not having a dad, I should tell them that I'm the daughter of a rock God." She smiles ever so slightly at the memory, like she's watching the moment unfold in her head, (it's a scene she's replayed over and over again ever since that day.) Then her brows furrow, and she shakes her head at her younger self. "Looking back, I can't believe I fell for it, but my comeback game was weak as fuck and I needed some ammunition, you know?"
Piper wants to laugh at that. But Alex doesn't. So she doesn't either.
"I vowed to myself that when I left school and I was free to do as I wished, I'd find him. Because, of course, my mum would never lie to make me feel better, and of course he was mega famous and loved me." The brunette outwardly cringes in embarrassment and begins to look as though she's toying with the idea of leaving it at that.
"You found him, didn't you?" Piper thinks fast, desperate to keep Alex here and talking.
Alex nods slowly in response, withholding the rest of the story.
"Not what you expected?"
"Understatement of the century. I was expecting a knight in shining armour to save me from the woes of my youth, right? I got a fucking dick in tin foil who had no idea who I was and complimented my tits."
Piper's face looks like she's been slapped with a hand full of surprise; eyes wide and mouth slightly agape, "you're kidding?"
"I wish I was."
Piper says nothing, knowing by the thoughtful glint in Alex's eyes that she's not finished yet. She continues with her eyes fixed at the tiny raindrops chasing each other down the window just to the left of Piper's back, focus occasionally shifting to Piper's face just to make sure she's still listening.
"It killed me most because it was all just a fucking lie. I was so angry at everything after that. I was angry at my mum for lying to me for all those years, angry at my dad for being such a fucking waste of space junkie, but mostly I was angry at myself for falling for it. Is that stupid?"
"No," Piper interjects confidently. "It makes perfect sense. The thought of him is what got you through all the shit you had to deal with and you thought he'd be your escape at the end of it all. I get it, you think about how perfect something is going to be and you play it all out in your head expecting it to go exactly as you've planned. But it doesn't. And nothing really prepares you for how it does go."
"Because you never consider the possibility that something so seemingly brilliant can turn to shit like that."
The pair share an unwavering gaze that makes something shift deep inside both of them; emerald green boring into deep blue, a broken soul staring into one that is hopeless but hoping. It's a moment like many others: fleeting, and before they know it, they're quickly averting their eyes and praying to a God they don't believe in that they're not blushing.
"Don't tell me that's why you started taking drugs?"
"Fuck no! That bastard screwed up enough things in my life, I wasn't gonna give him the satisfaction of being the reason I nearly died." Alex exclaims incredulously, Piper smiling slightly in response to her outburst, amused for some reason despite the situation they find themselves in.
Truth is, she's never asked before why exactly it was that Alex started doing heroin. Piper's found with other patients there are usually two potential causes for their addictions.
One: it's a coping mechanism.
Two: it became available and they were intrigued.
A part of her once hoped it was the latter, but now she knows that's probably not the case. If Alex doesn't want to talk about her mum, Piper won't push her, but she can't help but feel like the puzzle is slowly coming together, piece by agonizing piece.
"Why are you saying all this now? Why not sooner?" The blonde asks, failing to hide her confusion at this sudden outburst.
"I feel like I didn't appreciate my mum as much as I should've when she was here, you know, with the whole 'searching for my long-lost dad' thing. I feel like I owe her an apology that I can't give her anymore."
There's something about Alex Vause that Piper cannot quite comprehend, and through trying to unravel the mystery of her, she finds herself beginning to care more deeply for the woman sitting opposite her, so profoundly it aches when their time together ends and she has to wait a whole week to be in her presence again. Alex is wise beyond her years and her intelligence is something Piper feels like she struggles to match. She is quick-witted and funny without trying, and so deeply intriguing it puzzles the psychologist to the point where she spends hours upon hours out of work distracted by thoughts of her patient.
And that, quite understandably, terrifies the fuck out of her.
Piper often finds herself doing something completely normal, then she stops, and wonders what kind of sarcastic comment Alex would make in that second. She wonders what she's doing at that moment; if she's with anyone or if she's having a good day or if she can't bring herself to get out of bed. It's the little things like that, really, the innocent little things. This attachment is entirely innocent. It's because they're getting closer. Sure, it doesn't happen with her other patients, but something about Alex moves Piper chemically more than anyone else she's ever encountered in her 29 years on this lonely little planet, and everyone else at the moment seems to pale beside her. But that'll all change, of course, it has to change. One day, Alex will no longer need therapy and Piper can go back to actually caring about the other moments that take place in her life, and not just the stuff that goes down at 6pm on a Wednesday.
"We done for today?" Alex asks, already pulling her leather jacket up over her shoulders, flicking her dark hair out from the neck of it in a way that makes Piper wonder if it feels as soft as it looks.
"Yeah," the blonde replies quietly. "We're done for today."
"Next Wednesday at six?"
"Wednesday at six."
Alex leaves quickly, not even looking back when she closes the door softly behind her and pads down the hospital corridor towards the waiting room; the thoughts in her head tumultuous and overwhelming, and she can't help but feel so fucking weak in that moment. The walls she built around herself are breaking and the façade is slipping, but deep down she knows they've barely scratched the surface of her messed up little world.
"Ready Vause?" Nicky asks the second her friend enters the little room, though she doesn't look up from her battered, outdated copy of the New York Times.
"You don't have to wait for me every time, you know?" Alex responds, feigning annoyance, though secretly relieved to know there's someone waiting on the other side.
"I know, but I want to," the bushy-haired woman sighs, folding her newspaper and throwing it atop the huge pile of magazines on the table next to her. She stands slowly, grabbing Alex by the arm and half-heartedly dragging her towards the exit. "C'mon, let's go eat, I'm fucking starving."
"But I need to go home quickly first-"
"You wanna be fuckin' kidding, Vause, or so help us both, I'll shove one of those magazines so far up your ass you'll be able to taste the ink." Nicky deadpans, her grip on Alex's forearm never relinquishing. "Food. Now."
"So, how's it all going?"
They found themselves in a cheap diner not too far from the hospital; Nicky practically drowning in a large plate of fries and the greasiest burger known to man, while Alex, on the other hand, has survived the day solely on thirteen cigarettes and a cup of coffee. She doesn't eat much anymore, hasn't for a while, but it's far too soon to add an eating disorder to the ever-growing list of things that contribute to how fucked up she is.
"How's what going?"
The diner is mostly empty, except for a few lonely old guys and kids seeking refuge after skipping school for the day, though Alex is so distracted by the things going on around her you'd think the place was packed. That, or she's just trying to avoid this conversation as quickly and successfully as possible. She doesn't like talking about therapy when she's not there. Fuck, she doesn't really like talking when she is there.
"Your weekly dates with your hot therapist, duh." Nicky states between mouthfuls as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"I never said she was hot." Alex sighs, irritated, nursing her scolding cup of coffee with both hands as if she can't feel the china burning her palms.
"You didn't have to, it's written all over your face when you leave her office… like you're turned on and angry about it," Nicky throws a french fry at Alex to try and catch her dwindling attention and it lands in her coffee with a plop. Through maniacal laughter, she continues. "Besides, out of all the therapists you've ever had, she's the first whose sessions you've turned up to more than once, therefore she must be hot otherwise you wouldn't bother."
"First of all, you're an asshole, and you're buying me another fucking drink," the brunette rages, fishing the wet fry out of her cup and throwing it back so it lands in Nicky's wild mane. "And secondly, that is bullshit. I mean, fine, yeah, she's attractive, I'll admit it, but that's not the only reason I voluntarily see her."
"Then why do you?" Nichols asks, silently asking the girl at the counter to bring another coffee over then exaggeratedly leaning in with both elbows on the table.
"Piper's different, you know?"
"Because you love her?"
Alex's heart beats a little harder a few times.
"Because she's different."