Chapter Two

Welcome to Smashville

Captain Falcon woke up ten minutes after his alarm went off/ "Aw, dang it, clock! My age old nemesis!" He leapt out of bed, in full costume ("pajamas are for Communists," he says), punched a hole in his apartment's wall ("the HRA can suck it!") and jumped out of his penthouse. He pressed a button on his belt, and the Blue Falcon flew directly underneath him. He landed softly and comfortably in his leather chair. He knew that he had to do his absolute best today. He could become legend today!

He started to head towards the tournament location, and was dumbstruck by the sheer silliness of it. "Who names a city Smashville? Is it made entirely for smashing things? Sounds like some more liberal crap." As he sped to it, however, he got really caught up in the daily Rush Limbaugh broadcast and missed his exit (The 2nd Amendment gives us our right to bear-aw, crap, was that exit sixty-four?").

As he desperately tried to find a turnaround spot, he noticed that the roads were getting more and more rural. Soon there were trees everywhere. "This is definitely not right. I thought nature was destroyed!" He slowed down, hoping to find help from someone, anyone, when he heard gunshots. He jumped out of the Blue Falcon and brandished his own laser gun. He proceeded to shoot randomly, with his eyes closed, until the shooting stopped. Eventually, it did.

The Captain did hear a new sound, though. A rough, growling bark was being howled at him. He looked down and saw what must have been a hound dog, with the most devilish grin on his face. The Captain's heart was melted. He knelt down to pet it, cooing, "D'aw, who is a good boy? Is it you? Is it you? D'aw…"

The dog barked again, only now with a friendly, welcoming sound. From the trees, a mallard duck flew down and landed on his shoulder. Captain Falcon was filled with awe. "Wow! A hunting dog and a duck, best friends at last! You two look like trusty conservatives to me. Tell me, who's your favorite president?"

He could have sworn the dog barked "Rea-gan! Rea-gan!"

Falcon could not contain his excitement. "Say, how would you like to hitch a ride with me? I'm headed to Smashville, USA! What do ya say, boy? Ya coming? Are you com-ing?" The dog didn't say anything. He took that as a "yes." The Captain scooted his new friends into the Blue Falcon, made a U-turn, and headed back towards Smashville.

When he finally arrived, it was noon. Smashville looked like a nice place, at a glance. He wondered how this place could serve as a battleground. The first person to greet him was a talking raccoon ("He's some BS thing called a 'tanooki.' I refuse to be politically correct!"). The raccoon identified himself as Tom Nook, and immediately asked him if he wanted to take out a mortgage on some new "beach-front property."

"Ah, crippling bank debt! I can see that you're a true capitalist, through-and-through!"

"Yes-yes, mister Falcon! Capitalism is indeed the finest form of economy, yes-yes!"

"Please, Tom, we can be on a first name basis. Call me "Captain!"
When he finally got his registration forms filled out, he went into the snack tent. There were some people in there that he knew instantly. Most of them, however, probably wished that they didn't know him. He looked across the room and saw a dainty princess talking to none other than his good friend, Samus Aran. "Aw, sweet, is that Zelda! What a gal!" he tried to whisper to himself. He didn't do very well, though. He's quite the loud speaker.

"Oh, no, Samus. Don't try talking to this guy. What a grade-A jerk wad if there ever was one!" Zelda said. She spoke softly, as she knew that his Falcon-ears could pick up anything louder than hushed.

"I'm afraid we've already met before, and you couldn't be more right." Samus paused for a moment. "Wait, how do you know him?"

"We dated… for a year and a half." Zelda said as her protector, Link, walked by. His jaw practically hit the floor. How could Captain Falcon score with Zelda, but not him? "I had been getting over his loudness, actually. After two months, it became kind of cute."

"So, why did you break up with him, then?"

Zelda's face turned beet-red. "Alright, this is kind of embarrassing. Listen up. We just broke up a few weeks ago. It was going really well. I was actually hoping that he'd take it to, you know, the next the level, when-"

"Wait, you mean marriage? You wanted to marry Captain Falcon?" Link was suppressing tears. He worked with this woman every day. How did she not even mention this?

"Exactly. But, around the ninth month, he asked me to, well, change my body a little. Actually, it was quite a big change."

"He wanted a baby?"

"Oh, no, not that. He wanted me to, erm, put on some weight."

"What? Like, belly fat? How much did he want?"

"He wanted me to gain thirty pounds. Thirty! He said that if I just 'fed myself like a real lady' he would 'love me like a real man.'"

"Oh, my god! Is that when you dumped his sorry butt?"

Zelda's face flushed, and she put her hands on her stomach. "No. I didn't end it then. Actually, I, well, did it."

Samus looked down at the princess of Hyrule. She was right. She did put on weight. Her stomach was wider, and her thighs looked thicker than they had been last year. "Oh, Zelda! I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Are you losing it?"

Zelda was near tears. She couldn't believe that she had done this. "Well, I started training with Paula, you know, the Wii Fit Trainer, and I've lost five pounds of it so far. I'm just so embarrassed! Since we broke up, every guy that I've seen looks at me different. When I saw Luigi yesterday, he asked me when my baby was due! Oh, Samus, I'm so ashamed!"

"Now, honey, don't feel bad. Everybody dates one of those guys at least once in their life!"

Zelda sniffled. "Did you?"

"Oh, no, I'm much too good for men. If they can't accept us women for who we are, they don't deserve to have us! When did you even put this much weight on?"

"God, it was awful! I just spent weeks lying around, eating anything I could find! The worst part is, I started to like it!"

Samus was flabbergasted. "You actually liked being chubby? Zelda, you've ruined your body!" This was too much for Zelda. She turned and ran away. Samus ran after her friend.

Captain Falcon heard every single bit of that conversation.