So sorry it took me ages. Things happened and for a while I wasn't even sure I could be writing again. I'm still not sure.
A big thank you to all of you for your patience. Thank you for reading. It always means the world.
It's not like it was her fault. Anything but, if you asked her. Tamsin was the one who started it after all, that evening after one too many drinks, both of them frustrated enough with the work they'd done all day without any progress to look for some kind of relief. A distraction of some kind.
"I think that's enough for today, doc. You need a break," she smiled sincerely, as she handed the doctor the first glass of vodka. It had taken Tamsin precisely 60 seconds to track down her no-so-secret vodka stash and pour a couple of glasses for both of them. She accepted it graciously, tilted her head to the side slightly, with a small smile on her lips, before raising her glass and throwing back the alcohol without even breathing.
Tamsin had not taken her eyes off for a second. "Wow, I'm impressed," she smirked, filling up Lauren's glass with even more vodka this time around.
"Well, you shouldn't be. I'll have you know I have quite a taste for something strong now and then." Tamsin quirked an eyebrow incredulously and bit her lower lip but didn't say anything. It was terribly distracting.
In hindsight, maybe it wasn't Tamsin who started it after all.
Even if after their fourth glass or so, work forgotten and in the middle of a silly conversation about kung fu films, while attempting to illustrate a most effective parrying move, the Valkyrie darted forward without warning and pressed her warm lips against hers, moaning softly. She wasn't sure how to interpret the sound, it was almost needy and weak, which was so uncharacteristically Tamsin. But what surprised her more was that she answered the kiss without even batting an eye, allowing her mouth to move freely under Tamsin's soft lips and hot breath. It didn't take much adjusting at all, and soon, her tongue started prodding gently, insisting for access into the Valkyrie's mouth. She was not met with any resistance, and they allowed the kiss to deepen, until there was nothing there but lips and mouth and teeth, hands moving frantically across their bodies, looking for skin, looking for closeness.
It was easy, kissing Tamsin. It felt like she had been doing it for a long time. There was no competition, there was no struggle for dominance, there was just an elegant dance of lips and tongues moving in a perfect beat, albeit hungry and hurriedly, as if they had been doing it for ages. It felt right and Lauren allowed herself to get lost in that feeling of comfort, almost forgetting herself. Until Tamsin pulled back all of a sudden, a horrified look on her face.
Lauren found herself missing the other woman's mouth on hers, the soft fingers grazing her skin, as soon as the Valkyrie stepped back.
It was not her fault, really. She hadn't started this. She didn't want this.
Which made it impossible to understand why she resented the look of shame clouding Tamsin's beautiful features right after. Wide-eyed and flustered, the Valkyrie mumbled a quick apology and walked out – no, almost broke into a run, as if she had an entire army of angry Cherufe hot on her tail.
They actively avoided each other for the next few weeks, hoping that if they wouldn't talk about it and if they put enough distance between them, it would just go away.
It didn't.
Her mind drifted back to the kiss too many times to be considered healthy. Sometimes even when she was with Bo, she was ashamed to admit. It's not that she wanted to be with Tamsin instead, but against her better judgment, her mind obstinately refused to erase the memory of the Valkyrie's lips and tongue against hers. More than once, she found herself thinking of Tamsin's hands on her, her perfect mouth mapping her skin. And if that wasn't enough, she started seeing the Valkyrie in all the little things. How that particular shade of green she was wearing reminded her of Tamsin's eyes. How the crisp smell of snow underneath her boots was just like Tamsin's scent. How the velvety touch of her bedsheet at night was just like the Valkyrie's lips on her neck.
Not seeing each other for close to three weeks helped. The memory had not faded away, but Lauren was by then confident she could ignore it successfully and safely be in the Valkyrie's presence once again.
She was wrong.
"Awkward," Tamsin mumbled with an annoyed look on her face after they stared at each other for a few good minutes. It was exactly 22 days after their kiss and circumstance, or as you have it, Bo and Dyson going off to play detective again, had conspired to bring the doctor and the Valkyrie back together in the same room again. Alone.
So they stared at each other. And stared. So intensely that Lauren started feeling a timid blush creeping up her face. It was then that Tamsin turned around briskly, determined to save themselves the embarrassment.
"Tamsin, wait." Nope, it was too late.
"What, doc?" she turned only halfway, her left hand already reaching for the doorknob.
"Please stay. We need to talk."
"Do we now?" She had turned back fully by now and gave Lauren a hard stare. Again with that perfectly quirked eyebrow, making Lauren think things she shouldn't have. Not then, not ever.
The doctor gulped and nodded, wishing she could be more eloquent than this, but her body had a mind of its own and only the idea of having Tamsin within her reach again left her unbelievably confused.
"Look, Lauren, let me save you the trouble. We don't. Really, we don't have to talk about… It was a mistake, I'm sorry and it won't happen again. Happy now?" she breathed out the words as fast as possible as if she wanted to get them out before they'd cause irreparable damage, and ended with one of her trademark grins.
"How do you know?" was all that Lauren could say after a long pause.
"Know what?" Again with that bloody raised eyebrow.
"That it won't happen again."
"Because it... wait, what are you saying?"
"Are you sure it won't happen again?" Lauren said in a low, sultry voice, moving closer to Tamsin. She couldn't believe the words that had just come out of her mouth.
"Lauren." Tamsin growled after a brief pause. It was probably supposed to be a warning, but the doctor found it didn't matter. It was low and menacing, but utterly fascinating, reminding Lauren of a very large, very dangerous animal circling its prey. Maybe it should have scared her, pushed her away, but she was shocked to discover that it had quite the opposite effect.
Warning aside, Tamsin stood her ground. She was not one to take a step back, in battle or love. When Lauren crashed into her, all teeth and lips and tongue, hands roaming over her entire body with frantic movements, tearing at her clothes, fingers winding in her hair, the Valkyrie was stunned. But she was also pretty sure the doctor would come back to her senses soon enough and realize what she was doing.
How she was probably just feeling lonely and Tamsin was just there, convenient, attentive, and, let's face it, hot as hell. Also, quite interested.
A while ago Tamsin would have rather jumped off a cliff than call herself convenient or attentive. Disgusting, really, what these people had done to her. How weak and despicable she had become. The human would realize what she was doing and probably pull back in horror.
Yep.
Any minute now.
Just you wait.
She didn't though. She actually pulled closer and closer and soon enough Tamsin was already half naked, up on the counter, legs wrapped around the doctor's waist while Lauren was kissing and licking her throat. The human was pressing all the right buttons and when she curled her fingers inside Tamsin and bit hard on her left breast, the Valkyrie came violently, looking deeply into Lauren's dark eyes as she rode down her climax. What she saw there was entirely new and felt like a punch to her gut, but not in a bad way. As hard as she tried, she couldn't remember ever seeing anything like it before.
Not that she had the time to think it through at the moment, as Lauren was on her again, tearing down the last few items of clothing she still had on, flipping her around and taking her from behind.
Face pressed against the table, Lauren's able fingers buried deep inside her, her crotch pushing hard against her back, it was rough and fast and Tamsin would have lied to say she didn't like it. Giving in to the human felt strangely liberating, she was surprised to discover.
Lauren loved it, too, but she would have been hard-pressed to admit it out loud. And later, as she remembered the marks she had drawn on the Valkyrie's neck and back, the bruises her fingers had left behind on the other woman's skin, Lauren felt more ashamed and embarrassed than she had ever been her entire life. Like a common whore, she kept on thinking. Not that she actually knew what it was like to fuck a common whore, but she imagined that's what it must be like. Dirty and fast and shameful.
Tamsin didn't get to reciprocate though. She was still panting on the floor of Lauren's kitchen, trying to catch her breath enough to mount a proper response to what the doctor had just done to her when Lauren asked the question.
It felt just like coming back from a medically induced coma after someone had taken a baseball bat at you repeatedly.
"What happened between you two?"
Cockblocker much? She didn't answer. She just got up and started picking up her discarded clothes, trying to throw them on and get out as soon as possible. Lauren was still giving her an inquisitive look, obviously intent on getting an answer.
"Nothing. Doesn't matter," she blurted out while trying to pull her jeans back on. Why the fuck was she insisting on wearing pants this tight?
"Of course it matters Tamsin," Lauren replied softly, but in her annoying 'I-know-better' tone. "After your little speech about how the best…"
"I don't want to talk about it," she interrupted and stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
It really didn't matter anymore. Lauren had no idea.
It was a mistake. All of it. None of this should have ever happened. She should have been more careful, more prepared, able to get Bo out of the way before the manticore struck. In her defense, she was terribly distracted – as a matter of fact she had been living in a continuous state of distraction for the last few weeks, ever since she had kissed Lauren for the first time.
"What's up with you?" Dyson asked in his obnoxious, over-caring way, pulling her away from the rest of the gang to 'talk in private.'
"Huh? Nothing. Why would there be something wrong?"
"You've been acting weird. Like… you're not here anymore."
"That's because I'm not," she grinned smugly and turned on her heels, ready to strut off.
"Tamsin," he tried one more time.
"Save it, wolf," she spat back and walked away.
Funny how that was the only thing she seemed to be doing lately. Walking away.
She hated herself for it but that evening, as Bo was busy healing with 'no-strings-attached' Dyson, Tamsin barged into Lauren's office with a bottle of the most expensive wine she could find and one red rose she had gripped so tightly she had crushed its stem beyond repair. Can you even repair a flower?
"Is that supposed to be an apology?" Lauren joked before a hard glare from Tamsin made her swallow her words.
The Valkyrie kept silent after planting the rose and wine on Lauren's desk, watching them intently, as if they were going to vanish into thin air if not for her watchful eye. The intensity of her stare made the air thick and heavy, brimming with electricity just like before a violent summer storm.
"If anyone should be apologizing here, Lauren…" she began eventually.
"I know!" She swallowed hard, not sure how to get the words out. How do you even apologize for something like that? "I… I don't know what came over me, really. I totally understand if you're upset… I'm very sorry, Tamsin."
"Don't be. There's nothing to be sorry about." Her response was calm and reassuring, as was her entire demeanor. She didn't say anything else but somehow that was enough.
And while she was taking out a couple of glasses and the corkscrew, Lauren wondered when it was exactly that Tamsin had begun speaking in silences. Sure, the Valkyrie was still made of sharp wit and snark, and Lauren was quite sure that in some dictionary somewhere the definition of 'sarcasm' actually had the picture of a mad-grinning Tamsin, but lately her silences had been more eloquent than her words, and her whole attitude had become more sullen.
Lauren wasn't sure when the change had started. Perhaps after the lightning incident with Zeus. Perhaps after the Valkyrie's fallout with Bo.
But gone were the days when Tamsin would make the silliest, most childish comments and jokes. Gone were the days when she would cut through someone mercilessly, with a single word and a steely glare. No, this Tamsin was neither childish nor exasperatedly frustrated. All she was was silent. She was utterly, irreparably broken, and Lauren wondered why nobody else seemed to notice this. Or if they did, why they didn't try to do anything about it.
"Lately," Tamsin broke the silence with a loud huff, finally lifting her eyes to meet Lauren's beautiful dark gaze. "Lately," she began again, sounding almost coy, "I've been finding myself… drawn to you in ways I can't…"
"I didn't want any of this." Her voice came out sharper than she intended, but she couldn't back down now. "I don't want it. You started it." Her tone sad and accusing. A hurt look flashed briefly across Tamsin's face before the Valkyrie sighed in resignation and looked away once again.
"It's true. I did."
And then there was more silence. For so long that Lauren wondered if Tamsin was going to say anything else, apologize or fight back or just… do something.
"You're toxic, Lauren. To me, you're toxic," she explained seeing the shocked look on the doctor's face. "I can't stay away from you. I know it's wrong, but I can't." She spat the words out quickly, her face stern but her eyes full of unshed tears when she finally turned her head to look at Lauren.
"Fair enough," the doctor sighed after a long pause of her own, struggling to get her breathing and heart rate under control. The way Tamsin was looking at her was making her head spin.
"I don't want to stay away from you, Lauren," the Valkyrie added eventually.
And then Lauren stopped breathing, witnessing her very last shred of self-control and effort to keep things in check being torn down by the simplest of words.
Tamsin was looking down again, studying her otherwise incredibly beautiful fingers for any signs of mischief. She still wasn't sure that her initial plan – to show up with a missing hand and full of blood, wasn't the better idea after all. At least she would have had a viable excuse to be there.
"Then don't," Lauren replied curtly and before she had any chance to reconsider, she closed the distance between them in a single step, grabbed the Valkyrie's face and pulled her into a deep, rough kiss. Because in that moment Lauren could not recall ever seeing something more beautiful and vulnerable than the woman in front of her. And for all her remarkable strengths and incredible powers, the Valkyrie had to be consumed, taken completely in a way that had been entirely foreign to Lauren until then.
So she kissed hard and grabbed even harder, but the Valkyrie stopped her this time. Gently cupping her face between her hands, Tamsin brushed their lips together in the lightest of touches, pulling back whenever Lauren attempted to deepen the kiss.
"I thought you liked it rough," she huffed in frustration after Tamsin's tongue escaped her hungry mouth one more time.
"I do," the Valkyrie chuckled throatily, her lips curled in a ridiculous smirk, and her breath hot and wet against Lauren's lips. "But slow and soft is nice too."
Lauren would have growled were it not for Tamsin's tongue finally slipping into her mouth, her hands slowly gliding down her neck, over her shoulders, starting to unbutton her shirt. The movements were slow, deliberate, in perfect sync with the symphony of their mouths together, and when Tamsin's fingers finally grazed her naked skin, Lauren's knees buckled and her whole body shuddered violently as if it was the first time she was touched. Tamsin stopped, her strong hands steadying her, holding her up.
Eyes locked, they were both silent for a long time, their bodies still pressed closely together. It would be hard to tell what was said without words between them in that moment, but one thing was for sure.
Lauren didn't need words to understand. Not this time.
The look on Tamsin's face was unmistakable.
Contrary to her instincts screaming and kicking, Tamsin didn't run away. She spent the night, holding Lauren in her arms, placing gentle kisses on her face and neck, fingers roaming freely across her soft skin, knowing all too well that this was the only chance she'd get. The only time she'd be allowed this.
"They'll say I'm doing this to get back at Bo."
"Well, are you?" Lauren smirked, already knowing the answer. Tamsin went silent again.
"What happened was that I foolishly imposed my own feelings on her," she started again after a long time, when Lauren thought she had already fallen asleep. She spoke softly, hating herself for how her voice cracked under the weight of the memory. It was still painful in a way. "I should have known better. I… I believed in something that wasn't there."
Lauren just lay there, head on Tamsin's shoulder, arm draped around the Valkyrie's waist. She listened but didn't say anything as she felt her heart shatter into a thousand pieces. For Tamsin, for her, for Bo.
This was the last time and they both knew it.
"So, I noticed you've been spending a lot of time with Tamsin lately," Bo said in a vague attempt at sounding more cheerful than she was, as she sat down opposite Lauren. It was a Friday night and the Dal was packed, so she actually had to raise her voice to make sure she was being heard, even if there was nobody else at Lauren's table.
"Yes, I have," Lauren nodded, taking a sip of wine. Her voice was steady and sure. She had nothing to be ashamed of.
"That's nice," Bo smiled, her eyes darting across the room to a small table at the back of the bar, almost entirely engulfed in darkness, where Tamsin was sitting all alone, save from the bottle of vodka keeping her company. "Glad to see she's trying to make friends."
Here goes.
"Bo, we're more than friends."
She had foolishly hoped she wouldn't have to say more, that Bo would understand, but the puzzled look on the Succubus's face made her realize she really had to spell things out.
"Tamsin and I… have slept together."
"What?!" Bo practically shouted, drawing a few curious gazes to their table. Lauren just looked down, wondering why she wasn't feeling guiltier than she did.
"Tell me you're joking, Lauren!" The Succubus was furious. Lauren was still keeping silent. "But... why? Why would you…? Why her? Is this because I'm having sex with others? Because you know that I wouldn't, I wouldn't need to if you were…" she stopped abruptly realizing what she was about to say.
"If I were enough." Lauren smiled sadly. "Yes, I know, Bo. I can never be enough."
"Lauren, that's not what I meant," the Succubus replied more calmly, not liking where the discussion was heading. "It's just that… I didn't know you… wanted that, that you wanted… her…"
"Yeah, well, I didn't know either, Bo," Lauren sighed, wringing her hands under the table in a desperate attempt to keep herself calm. The memory of Tamsin's hand holding her own as they orgasmed together flashed briefly through her mind. This wasn't helping.
"Then… what? What did she do? How dare she, when she knows perfectly well we're together?"
"She didn't do anything. Everything was my fault."
"I don't know why I'm having a hard time believing that, Lauren!" Bo wouldn't relent.
"It's true. I started this and pushed her and now…"
"This is all to get back at me, right? She's angry with me and she's trying to hurt me through you!"
And Lauren tried, she really tried to stay calm and be mature about everything, but this was too much.
"Bo, this isn't about you!" she spat angrily, not caring about the inquisitive looks of all the Fae there, heads turning to their table, or about Trick's worried gaze as he was trying to busy himself polishing a glass. "Nobody's trying to get back at you," she continued, lowering her voice considerably. "Are you really going to sit there and tell me that the only reason someone might find me attractive enough to want to fuck me would be to get back at you?"
"N-n-no, Lauren, that's not…" Bo barely managed to speak under Lauren's verbal assault.
"Or that I should just sit idly and be at peace with you fucking Dyson and random Fae because it's your nature, and I just can't ever be enough for you? I have needs too, Bo! And I tried, I really tried, but I can't. I just can't be fine with this. I love you, I always will, and I love what you are but there will always be something at the back of my head, nagging me, making me doubt myself, and hate myself for accepting to share you. Always. And it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to me either."
"Lauren, don't, please."
She hated the hurt look on Bo's face. She hated herself for having caused it.
"I think she might be having feelings for me," she said quietly.
"Now that's a quick bounce back if ever I saw one."
"What's that supposed to mean," Lauren snapped, perhaps harsher than she had intended.
"It means that this is ridiculous! A few weeks ago she had feelings for me, do you honestly expect me to believe that she got over it that quickly? Don't you see she's playing you? She's clingy and emotional and vindictive, in a creepy Fatal Attraction sort of way!" Bo's anger was rising again.
"I don't recall you ever having a pet rabbit, Bo."
"Very funny. I swear I will kill her."
"You will do no such thing, Bo! Look, I… you know she looks up to you? Even after what happened between you, whatever it was. She cares about you."
"Yeah, that's not the word she used," Bo hissed impatiently. If it was supposed to hurt, it was definitely mission accomplished. Lauren gritted her teeth and counted to five.
"And what did you say? When she told you what she felt?"
"That she didn't know what she was talking about. Clearly."
"And was that before or after you welcomed her into your bed, Bo?"
The Succubus flinched visibly. "It was just sex, Lauren. Just sex, it didn't mean anything."
"Yeah, well, one day you'll have to realize, Bo, that to some people sex isn't just sex! To some people it means a whole lot more, alright?"
"That's not fair, Lauren."
"No, I guess it isn't. But what I know is that… I have absolutely no doubt what she's feeling for me is genuine…" she said, almost in a whisper.
"What… what are you saying, Lauren?" Bo asked after a long pause.
"I'm saying…" she began, not sure how to continue. But the answer became painfully obvious as soon as her eyes met Tamsin's sad gaze from across the room, just for a brief moment before the Valkyrie lowered her eyes back to her vodka glass again.
"What I'm saying is that I don't want to break her heart."
Tamsin wasn't sure what was going on between Lauren and Bo, but she felt the tension rising, the atmosphere charged with simmering anger and heavy words, and she realized that it had to be about her. She wasn't upset or surprised, she had expected Lauren to tell Bo everything anyway.
So when she saw the Succubus standing up abruptly, violently pushing back her chair, and eyes flashing blue, she just took a deep breath and prepared herself to get her ass kicked in what would undoubtedly be one of the most epic beatings she would ever experience. Because no matter how hard Bo would hit, she would not respond and she would take every punch and every kick eagerly, and relish the pain. She deserved it. Everything was her fault.
But to her great surprise, Bo did not charge her. On the contrary, she stormed out of the Dal, looking neither left nor right, and not throwing a single glance her way. She became even more confused when she saw Lauren getting up and slowly making her way to her table, a dejected look on her face.
The doctor plopped down in a chair beside her, and for a long time she just sat there motionless, looking away and barely breathing. Apparently Tamsin's silences were contagious.
"As it turns out, you were right after all," Lauren sighed eventually, grabbing the bottle of vodka and pouring herself a shot.
"About?" Tamsin asked, allowing her gaze to find Lauren's once again, afraid of what she would find there. But she had no reason to worry. The other woman's eyes were sad but soft and inviting. Just like that first time they kissed. Just like that last time they kissed, after making love until early in the morning.
"That the best woman won," Lauren replied simply and downed her drink in a single gulp.