I don't own Percy Jackson & the Olympians nor do I own Artemis Fowl.
Warning; The Aphrodite in this fic is a little crazy. Or actually quite a lot. But that is because she is obsessed with making people get together. This is also just a little crack-y.
I probably need to edit this later, but I don't have time right now, so it will have to do.
Enjoy!
I really should resume working on something that would be able to stop these inane hormones. I am wasting too much valuable time on staring at women Artemis thought while his normal smart comments were prevented from escaping his mouth by said mouth being occupied with making a little drool escape instead.
His eyes were bugging a little and he tried really hard to stop looking so flabbergasted and a little captivated, but it was difficult. Really difficult.
Because in front of him, was one stunning love goddess that was smiling at him. And not just smiling. It was the kind of smile toothpaste models had, the kind that won awards, the kind that really caught people's attention.
D'arvit. Even her smile makes me stare. I really ought to stop this staring, it's such a waste of ability.
But Artemis couldn't. For some reason, he couldn't stop staring.
Probably because Aphrodite looked currently a lot like Holly , but an girly, taller version of Holly. In a dress. A very skimpy dress. A very skimpy dress that flashed thighs and legs at Artemis and made him wonder if Holly would look this great in a dress too.
And then made him beat himself up for thinking about Holly short in a dress.
That would not aid him or be conductive at all. Although the knowledge that it would only worsen his situation only made him think all the more about it. About a short, clingy dress on a certain Captain Short..
He could ask one of his designers to make the perfect dress for her, one that went with her darker complexion and auburn hair, one that would go perfectly with one of his elegant suits so they would look great together on one of his mother's functions.
It shouldn't be too difficult to coax Holly into going with him. She did like saving him, after all. She had proven that time and time again by saving him when he somehow had ended in a dangerous situation. And he certainly needed saving , saving from his mother that was obsessed with finding him a girl.
Not that he would say it in that way. No, he would be a lot more subtle when coaxing Holly into accompanying him.
" Aaaaw. You're adorable!".
A high-pitched, gushing voice suddenly rose Artemis from his thoughts and he frowned. He hated it when someone interrupted his scheming.
He focused his attention on Aphrodite again and managed to do so without staring or drooling this time, thankfully.
" Lady Aphrodite, I can assure you I am no such thing".
Artemis nearly rolled his eyes at the way 'Lady' Aphrodite was behaving; like a gossiping teenager. He hadn't anticipated a millennia old goddess would behave so childish.
She giggled. " Believe me, you're are".
She winked at him. " But don't be afraid, I won't tell your little secret".
Artemis raised an eyebrow. " My little secret? I wasn't aware I had one".
She smiled. Or smirked really. Devilishly. So .. evil Artemis actually felt compelled to take a step back. How did this woman suddenly manage to look so threatening?
" Oh, you know, you secret crush on one Holly Short and the fact you – quite like a normal teenager- want nothing more to get in her pants".
She frowned. " Or her uniform actually, because the woman almost never wears anything else".
" That is ridiculous!".
" I know, right? She should totally wear a skirt sometimes, or a dress or something that actually shows that figure of her. She dresses as though she was a man".
" Not that! I was referring to the fact that you believe I have romantic feelings for captain Short".
" Captain short? So you're into uniforms and titles? Do you have some odd fetish for authority darling?".
Artemis flushed bright red. " No! I do not have a fetish for anything".
" Well, you're wrong there ,dear. Everyone has a fetish. But let's not talk about that. Let's focus on the fact that you're completely smitten!'.
" I am not-".
Aphrodite glared at him. " Do you honestly want to fight me, the goddess of love , on this? Because I can assure you, that isn't a fight you will win".
Artemis sighed and massaged his temples. He really wished he had never asked Holly if he could accompany her to Olympus. All these deities did , was give him massive headaches.
" Lady Aphrodite, I assure you I have no- ".
Aphrodite rolled her eyes. " Save it already, dear. I know the truth. You're not going to make me believe your little delusion".
She leaned back in her chair, looking at Artemis in a way that made him feel like a mouse in front of a smirking, rose-scented cat.
" Or do I need to show you something, like I did with my beloved great-granddaughter?".
Artemis frowned. " You have spoken to Holly concerning non-existent romantic feelings?".
Aphrodite pursed her lips and glared at him. " I have spoken to her about how you are both totally crushing on each other and how you should totally get together!".
She sighed dreamily. " Especially since it is so forbidden and some would view it was wrong. That makes it ten times more romantic!".
" What is so romantic about Holly being exiled , ridiculed and losing all she holds dear?".
" So you admit you like her!".
" I admit that any romantic relationship between us is strictly forbidden, not that either of us are desiring to pursue any romantic relationship".
" Urgh. You're impossible".
" I beg your pardon? I am no-".
" Yes, you are! Why can't you just admit you're in love with Holly, date her, propose to her and get her knocked up? It isn't that difficult!".
Artemis was speechless for a moment at the thought of a pregnant Holly.
Aphrodite immediately noticed the return of his flabbergasted expression and decided to test the waters a little.
" I mean, I won't live forever! Okay, I will, but you two won't. And I won't great-grandchildren or something before you two die. You do realize it isn't possible to get children when you're in the Underworld, don't you?".
" Yes, milady I was in fact aware it is impossible to reproduce when you're no longer alive" Artemis said, recovering from his stupor and giving her a duh look , annoyed by the weirdest and quite possibly stupidest question in existence.
Aphrodite completely ignored him. " I mean, you only live like hundred years and you're only able to get cute children until the age of forty or so. Well, Holly is an elf, so that would be the elf equivalent of forty. And men are fertile for like forever, but they are getting less fertile. So you have to hurry!".
Aphrodite leaned towards a now staring – but for a very different reason than before- Artemis and whispered conspiratorially. " Wouldn't a child with Holly's beautiful hazelnut eye be amazing? And I happen to know Holly really likes people with black hair and ice blue eyes. Totally her type".
She leaned back with a satisfied smirk. " So you see, everything is already arranged. You're Holly's type, Holly is your type and your children will be adorable".
She sipped a glass of nectar that suddenly appeared and gave Artemis another award-winning smile. " You're welcome, cutie".
Artemis just gave her a look - the kind of look that said; you're completely insane, but I am not about to say that, because that won't end well- and sighed. " Lady Aphrodite, with all due respect, not everything is arranged. Firstly, Holly and I do not have romantic feelings for each other. Secondly, I certainly have no secret wish to – he cleared his throat awkwardly- reproduce with anyone. And thirdly, even if we did have romantic feelings for each other and did want to reproduce it would be impossible. I don't know if you have noticed, but there are certain differences between our anatomy that would make it.. impossible to reproduce".
Aphrodite had gone very still by the end of Artemis' speech and now simply sat there , staring at him.
Artemis was actually getting a little nervous by the way her left eye had started twitching, her hand was clutching her glass of nectar and her nostrils flared.
Posture tense, nostrils flaring, eye twitching, those are all signs of an upcoming anger attack. Is there any possible way to calm her down? Any way to run when she decides to simply kill me ?
Of course not, she is a deity, I simply cannot outrun her. But I can outsmart her.
Think about it. What are the foibles of a love goddesses? Chocolate? Roses? Doves? She loves all those things, I know that. But what-
Artemis rose from his spiraling thoughts when Aphrodite slammed her glass down on the table and pushed herself up, the eye twitch worsening.
She somehow managed to tower over Artemis without really being that much taller. Even with impossibly high heels on, she still wasn't that much taller. She apparently had decided to be on the small side, like her great-great-granddaughter.
Artemis stared at those dangerously high heels that made Aphrodite able to tower over him.
You could injure someone with those heels, certainly not assassinate them but injuring them would be very easy.
" Artemis Fowl the second, do NOT defy me! If you don't admit your feelings and jump Holly's bones, I will make your life very miserable" Aphrodite hissed in Artemis' face., successfully drawing Artemis' gaze from the murder weapon that were her high heels.
" I will ensure you never find any true love, that anyone who ever loves you will be punished for that and I will make you fall in love with someone that is so bitchy and awful she will tempt you into committing suicide!" Aphrodite ranted , terrifying and startling Artemis.
Note to self; refrain from speaking to love goddesses ever again. Or simply go along with whatever delusional ideas they have.
Aphrodite took one more step towards Artemis and grabbed his tie, pulling him towards her until they were nose-to-nose. " Try to fight your feelings for Holly in any way, try to ruin my plans for you two and you will be very sorry Artemis. Do I make myself clear?".
Artemis smiled weakly. " Inescapably so, lady Aphrodite".
Aphrodite let him go and smiled brightly. " Great! So no problems then. Very good".
She took a step back and gave Artemis another bright smile that pretty much freaked him out. " Just give me a minute".
Aphrodite snapped her fingers and a giant floating board with names on one side, pearls in oysters on another, an assortment of food and machines on the third and notebooks – which were bright pink with feathers, naturally- on the fourth appeared.
" This is my board of love" Aphrodite explained while she scribbled something on a post-it note and put it in one of the notebooks. Artemis noticed that particular notebook had Hartemis written on it in big letters, but decided he would probably be better off not knowing.
" It has the names of all people that either should be a couple, are a couple or will be made a couple by me for some reason. It also has anything that might help me when I need two people to either bang each other or fall in love- such as aphrodisiacs".
Aphrodite smiled and nodded at a delicious looking oyster that was between the assortment of food and machines.
Then she pointed at the other two sides of the boards. " The notebooks have information about any couple or people that belong together in them, as well as my plans with them , couple names and other things that have to do with those people. And the pearls are magical and have various uses. Such as storing memories".
Aphrodite clapped her hands and turned around. The board disappeared, slowly fading away when she snapped her fingers again.
" So. Now that's done, I am afraid you must go dear. I have many other things to do , couples to get together, people to spy on, men and women to shoot and stuff".
She waved her hand and two white doors suddenly appeared, decorated with doves and little shells above them. They opened to reveal a long hallway.
" Just follow this hallway and you will end up in the throne room. That's where Holly is right now".
" Th-".
" We will talk about the right way to admit your unwavering and everlasting love to someone of a different species next time. Be sure you know her favorite flower, color and dice by then. Oh and learn some love poems! Especially ones with the word Holly in it".
Artemis opened his mouth to say something like; Ehm what? Or , seeing as this was Artemis Fowl ; Could you kindly elaborate on your peculiar demand? , but Aphrodite quickly embraced him, kissed him ( on his cheek) and pushed him into the hallway.
The doors then slammed close in the face of one severely puzzled mud boy.
Aphrodite turned around and rubbed her hands in true villain fashion, smirking while she sank in her comfy chair and ordered her board to appear again. She studied it while eating her favorite chocolates – cinnamon flavored- and smirked when it showed the image of what had quickly became her favorite 'video' ; the kiss in the gorilla cage.
"Now, how to get this mud boy to taste Holly's forbidden fruit?" she muttered.
I also don't own Once Upon A time. From which the last line more or less is.
And I read somewhere if you toss an apple at someone, that this is an ancient Greek marriage proposal. Any idea if this is true? And if it is, should Aphrodite use it in operation Hartemis?
This will be continued, by the way.