Chapter Three:
Morning didn't break that day in a burst of sunshine and bird songs. It was slow, smooth, and so gradual that it almost snuck up on Richard Castle. Gentle light was filtering in through the huge glass windows of his loft. The sky outside was grey and the air looked soft. Castle had not slept at all after he had awoken from his nightmare. He had simply held onto Kate Beckett's sleeping form and absorbed every ounce of her that he could. Filing the moment away into his memory in that special place dedicated to Kate. He felt her begin to stir in his arms.
He hadn't really thought it through when he had pulled her down next to him last night. All he had wanted—no, craved—was the comfort of her body pressed against his. She was alive and he had been determined to feel each of her breaths as she drew in air and let it fill her chest.
He hadn't made an exit plan. He hadn't thought about what she might do when she woke up. So when he felt her squirm lightly again in his arms as the sun began to warm her lids, he did what came instinctually: he faked sleep. Quickly closing his eyes, he prepared himself for what was to come.
Kate's smooth leg stretched backwards from a bent position and she took a deep breath through her nose. She slowly rolled over in his arms so that her face was inches away from his. Making an indescribable "Mmm" noise, she arched her back in a stretch as she moved her body even closer.
Nuzzling her face into the darkness in the crook of his neck, she shielded her unconscious self from the unforgiving morning rays. He could feel her cold nose pressed against his skin. Her lips moved and he felt them brush ever so lightly on the sensitive skin of his neck as she wetted her sleep-dried mouth. His heart rate exploded in his chest and he resisted the urge to pull her closer and never let go.
She was slowly traveling through the foggy world between sleep and awake and even with his eyes closed, he could tell the exact moment she realized where she was. Her body stiffened and he felt her quick intake of breath.
"Ohmygod." She whispered so quietly that he could barely hear it even though her mouth was right next to his ear.
She began to sit up and he kicked into gear. He tightened his arms around her. Fighting a smile and still in false sleep, he mumbled "No. Stay."
"Castle. Castle, wake up." She continued trying to maneuver herself into an upright position.
He begrudgingly opened his eyes and smiled lazily. "Good morning, Kate."
"Castle. Don't call me Kate while I'm…while I'm..." her voice trailed off as she searched for the words to describe their situation. She ended up just sweeping one of her hands lamely through the air over their bodies.
"Fine. Good morning, Sugar Lips. How did you sleep? Adequately, I hope?" She was now fully sitting and trying to push his legs away from her. He sat up and looked over, his smile growing at her general adorable discomfort. Her eyes had narrowed at his new nickname for her. He was glad she seemed too preoccupied pushing at his calves to bother snatching at his ear or nose.
"I slept fine." She pinched the bridge of her nose and rubbed.
"Yeah, I bet you did." Now his smile was almost too much. She had slept in his arms and was admitting to have thought it was a "fine" arrangement.
"Oh, grow up! I must have just fallen over on you in my sleep or something."
"Uh huh. I'll go make us some coffee." Castle stood and made his way to the kitchen, his bare feet padding sleepily on the hard floor. Beckett stood a few seconds later and followed him into the kitchen. She was self-consciously patting at her hair and tugging her tiny shorts down so they were at least visible under the shirt that was swallowing her.
"Nice hair. I never knew bed head could be so…rowdy. Or is it couch head?" Castle smirked at her across the counter.
"Oh, shut up."
She dropped her hand that had been in her hair and gave him an I-don't-give-a-crap glare. She sat on a barstool and let her mind wander to other thoughts. Thoughts of bacon and eggs and French toast. She looked up at Castle and opened her mouth to hint she was hungry.
"I'm thinking bacon, eggs, and French toast. How about you?" Castle asked her before she could say anything.
She smiled. "Sounds good."
She pulled her hair into a ponytail and started to fidget with one of the apples on the counter. After spinning the stem around until it popped off, she settled for rubbing her thumb over its waxy skin. She had a hard conversation ahead of her today, and she didn't want to spend the morning thinking about it. It could wait until after breakfast.
After about fifteen minutes, breakfast was ready and Castle was seated next to her at the bar. They ate in comfortable silence. Castle was in a curiously jolly mood given the events of yesterday. But she would never be able to forget the look on his face yesterday. She would never forget the tightness in his voice, his inability to look her in the eye, the lines that trenched across his face like the front lines of a battlefield. Even now, beyond the curious levity of his mood, she could see deep in his eyes that he was troubled. And therein lies the rub. Setting her fork down on the side of her plate, she turned to Castle and took a deep breath.
"Castle, I think we need to talk."
She glanced into his eyes for a moment and then quickly looked away. Why did I start this conversation like breakup? I guess because it kind of is… He deserves more than a cliché, though. Taking another deep breath she continued.
"You and I have been working together for three years. And those years have been…unforgettable."
Castle smiled at her words and reached for her hand. "I agree. Yes. Unforgettable."
Kate continued onward, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. He didn't seem to grasp the gravity of the conversation.
"After yesterday I realized exactly how stupid we have been. You are not a cop. And putting you in those situations is dangerous for everybody. I mean, nobody should have to do what you did yesterday. Nobody. And while I am so, so thankful, I can't let this go on. You killed somebody, Castle. And it was my fault."
She hadn't been looking at him while she was talking. She was looking at her apple and had completely missed the progressive transformation of his facial expression from confused to heartbroken. He had pulled on his poker face by the time she had turned her big, green eyes on him.
"It wasn't your fault." He said because he couldn't think of anything else to say. He could barely think at all.
"It was. It was my fault. I should never have exposed you to such dangerous situations. It was irresponsible and…selfish. I've gotten so used to you and your friendship and it means so much to me that I just ignored reality. I mean, you have a daughter and a mother! You have a family, Castle, and I refuse to be responsible for them losing you."
The words were coming back to him. "But what about you! You need me! If I hadn't been there yesterday, you wouldn't—you wouldn't be here today! You'd be dead. Your brain would be just another stain on the New York streets."
"Believe me, I know that. But maybe if you hadn't been there, I wouldn't have deluded myself into thinking that you were adequate backup and waited for officers to arrive. It was negligence on my part. It could have killed us both and this is not the first time it has happened."
"But I AM adequate backup! I have always been there for you!"
"And that's my point. You shouldn't be there. It isn't appropriate, Castle. We just can't work together anymore. I need to be able to do my job and so do you. You can't write if you're dead."
"I also can't write without inspiration."
"Oh, who are we kidding, here! You have enough material on me to write Nikki Heat for the rest of your life. You don't need to follow me around anymore for your books."
"It's not just about the books anymore."
Kate sucked in a breath. Was this it? Was he finally going to voice what they had both been dancing around for so long? Their eyes caught and everything around them seemed to simultaneously freeze and come to life at once. Kate could swear that she heard a resettling crossbeam in the wall of the loft like it was pressed right against her ear. At a loss for words, she simply stared at him. Waiting.
"It's not just about the books anymore, Kate. It's so much more. It's like…it's like I finally have a purpose and reason for waking up in the morning. What I do everyday means something now. It's like my life was just…hollow before this. It's the same for you, I know. You do this because you HAVE to, because you know what's out there and you can't just sit by and do nothing. And neither can I. Not anymore, at least."
It wasn't the speech she had been expecting. All of the passion was there, it just wasn't directed at her. He was expressing a side she hadn't seen before in him, although she knew that side all too well in herself. The addiction to justice.
"I wish this could go another way for you. I really do. But the fact remains that you just cannot be with me anymore. You killed somebody yesterday. Do you not understand that?"
He stood and leaned into her space, disbelief distorting his face.
"Understand? Of course I understand. I understand that he had a gun to your head. He was seconds from killing you, Kate. Do you not understand what that means? Do you not understand what that would have done to me?"
She shook her head, refusing to let his emotional logic sway her decision. It would be hard, but it had to be done.
"I refuse to let it happen again. This is goodbye, Castle." Kate stood from her stool.
"Goodbye? Goodbye! So that's it, then? That's all this meant to you? You can just walk away from it all?"
"It's what we have to do."
"Fine. Then just leave. I won't be bothering you again." Castle swallowed painfully and then strode quickly into his office, shutting the door forcefully behind him without actually slamming it.
Kate fought the burning in her throat and clenched her teeth together. She hadn't meant goodbye forever. She still wanted his friendship; she just couldn't work with him anymore.
Beckett had never seen Castle this angry or hurt before and she had no idea how to fix any of it. Taking a few uncertain steps in the direction of his office she sighed. Now was not the time. He was angry and hurt and probably needed time to cool off. Walking quickly out of the front door and shutting it behind her, she leaned up against it and forced the tears forming in her eyes to disappear.
She was losing her partner, but she was saving him too. She was saving the man that he was: the man who knew how to light up her often very dark world. If that meant Castle was mad at her for a while, so be it. She would see sense for the both of them.
A/N: Ahhh…He was going to tell her how he felt and then she pseudo-broke up with him. Poor Castle Bear. His troubles are only just now starting… the plot is about to thicken. Stay tuned.
And review. Stay tuned AND review. Because I'm addicted to them and I after I post a chapter, I sit by my email and refresh it every 10 seconds for the next three hours, looking for reviews. I love them.