I can't believe him. He pulls shit all the time, but it's never like this. I walked out to the porch, that was my saintuary. Whenever I got frustrated, or if something wasn't going well, I'd walk out onto the porch. The night sky, it was so peaceful. There was no birds to block the veiw or squak, there was no glare of the sun, there was no plane. Just sky. Stars even. The very same stars we looked at when I had confessed myself to Kaoru. It was so long ago...

[Flashback

We layed side by side, Kaoru and me. My right hand laced with his left as we stared at the night sky. It was our birthday, and being June it was so warm. Fireflies were a sight to see in the feild we lay in. Kaoru sat up, letting go of my hand. He looked to me and smiled,

"Happy sixteenth birthday Hikaru..."

"You too."

Kaoru looked up at the night sky, and sighed to himself. Something was on his mind. I knew him all to well to know that stare gazed look. He tilted his head to the side, looking at the ground next to my hand.

"Hikaru... What would you say if one of our customers asked you to date them?"

"...Dur, no. Their just customers Kaoru."

"Right, right... Just customers... What about Haruhi?"

"I don't think she would."

Kaoru sighed, "Hikaru.. Can I tell you somthing without your weird faces or noises?"

"Can't promise anything momo." Momo was a stupid lil nickname. It meant nothing, it was just something I had decided to start calling Kaoru.

"... I read your journal.."

I froze. I couldn't believe what he said. "Y-you did?"

"Hai... You wrote that you're in love, but you two could never be together.. Hikaru I want to help you find your happiness."

I sat up, and leaned over grabbing Kaoru in a kiss. I could tell he wasn't expecting it, I could tell he was unexpirenced. He didn't return my kiss, which made me worry until he deepened it. I heard a small moan. I've heard Kaoru moaning before, but this time it was because I made him. I wrapped my arms around Kaoru's waist, he wrapped his around my neck, pulling me ontop of him. I wanted to take him, I wanted my virginity to meet his, slowly trailing my hand down his soft stomach. But I didn't, I couldn't. And I regret it...

I shook my head from the memories. I should have taken our virginities away, but I didn't. And I still haven't forgiven myself. Kaoru accepted what happened, he looked at me after the incident with his deblossoming with a smile.. A loving smile. I was still a virgin at the time. Kaoru, to this day, refuses to tell me who it was. He says he doesn't want to soil the man's good name. This made me believe it was someone we knew, more or less someone we were friends with. That was when I began to suspect everyone was against us.

The host club knew about our relationship, and frankly didn't care. The only person to react was Hunny-senpai. This was only because he had a younger brother himself, and we've all been suspecting something going on between them. But that's senpai's business, not mine. I barely even talk with my friends anymore. They call on the rare occasion, to invite us to a gathering, but I have to decline. I can't take Kaoru with me, they don't know what's happened. They don't know that after the deblossoming of Kaoru, he's gone down the drain. For a while Kaoru had been suicidal. He had cut himself, he had tried to hang himself, hell I began to take showers with him because he attempted to drown himself once. I couldn't show up with Kaoru, it just wasn't happening.

The night was so peaceful.. I wish it were night time all the time..

Feeling bad for storming off I slumped my arms into a fold on the railing, "It's not like he'll understand me if I appologise anyways... He'll just giggle and beg for sex..." I talked to myself alot.

Sighing I could swear it was getting cold outside. Maybe it was just myself, but I begun to get goosebumps. I decided to go inside. Walking past Kaoru I looked down at him, shaking my head dissapointedly. I was about to say something, but that blazed look on his face stopped me. Ploping myself down on the couch, I turned on the tv. Nothing good was on, but I pretended to be interested in some infomercial. It was this wonder knife, could cut through a soda can.

"Hikaru...?"

A soft moan called, ending with a giggle. I looked his way, rolling my eyes, looking back at the screen.

"Hiiiiikaruu..." He crawled towards me. "Hikaru, are our stars out?"

"Heh, you remembered.. No Kaoru, they don't come out until June. You know that."

Our stars were this picture we had made in the sky, that said our names. We can tell when their out because there's a cluster of stars that looks like a B in Kaoru's name. If you did in fact count the stars as a B, then it'd say 'Kaobu'. I used to tease him on this.

"I want to see our starts Hikaru.." Kaoru began to tear up.

"Kaoru, it's not June. Now shutup, I'm trying to be mad at you."

Kaoru giggled, laying down on the floor. "I can hear the carpet..." He whispered barely auidble.

"Good for the carpet. Now black out already."

I know, I know.. I'm being mean. But Kaoru started it by picking up the phone while shooting up. I layed back in the couch, yawning. I didn't want to talk to Kaoru while he was high, it just wasn't any fun. It's like babysitting really, most days he's just a log on the floor. Sometimes he begs for sex, and other days he's this childish giggle fit man. I looked at Kaoru as he feel asleep-or at least that's what it looked like. You could never tell when Kaoru was asleep when under the influence. Once he had been sleeiping on the couch as I was making something to eat. He sprung up and looked at me wide eye, 'i want one'. So now I don't trust he's ever asleep when high. I shouldn't be complaining. At least he's not going out to look for a fight.

And to think there was a time where I trusted him at home alone. Now a trip to the grossery store without him is a risk.

We woke up, well I did at least. I had slept standing up on the porch. Grogginess took over as I slumped to the kitchen to make us something to eat. I wasn't a good cook, Kaoru was though. But it was more likely he'd be uninterested in cooking food today. On my way through the living room I tripped over Kaoru.

"Fuck.."

"Mmm... Hikaru?" He yawned. I had woke him up. I guess I should be glad he isn't like one of our senpais.

"Did I wake you?" Retorical question.

"Yea.. A-about last night..."

I shot a glare at Kaoru. Maybe I shouldn't have decked him out, but I couldn't help it.

"I can't believe you Kaoru. You know you're not allowed to talk to family or friends! And this is why. You yelled at Ma-hell you swore at her!! Yes, I know she can be a pain, but if you didn't pick up that damn phone in the first place she wouldn't have been a problem!!"

Kaoru winced at my yelling. I was definatly being to hard on him this early in the morning. He needed to know I was pissed, he needed to know NOT to answer the phone unless it's for him. The whole conversation reminded me to call ma today. God, that'd be a bitch.

"G-gomenasai..."

"No, I'm not accepting your appologises!!! You know better Kaoru!! I swear, if I catch you pulling this shit again I'll-..."

He was crying. Kaoru was actually crying. He was curled up in a ball, knees to his chest with his hands over his ears crying. He even shook visibly.. He opened his eyes looking at me,

"Y-you'll do what..?"

Kaoru's voice was so fragile, it even shook with his body. I exhaled deeply, I couldn't yell at him anymore. Crawling over to him I grabbed Kaoru into a hold, wrapping my arms around his waist.

"You worry about it when it comes."

"I-i swear I-i won't.."

Kaoru rested his face in my chest, tears flowing out. It was okay though, he was sober. I had forgotten all about my rules to myself when confronting Kaoru. One of the rules was no yelling, the unknown deflowerer had yelled at Kaoru too many times. It just brought him back to the past. Another rule was I always had to end the arguements with something positive, although that rule was nearly almost always broken. I sat on the ground, holding Kaoru very close to me. I could feel his skin shake, every inaudible cry I could hear.

"It's okay Kaoru... I didn't mean to yell.."

"Yes y-you did.."

"Do you understand why?"

"B-because I'm not a-allowed to have s-socialization with loved ones."

"Kaoru... Don't put it in those words..."

"W-why can't I talk t-to my f-friends? I want t-to talk t-to my friends..."

"Kaoru we don't even know where they are." Lies. I do. But it's better if Kaoru thinks I don't.

"The phone book! I-i want to see the c-club again... Hikaru, please.."

I sighed. This wasn't going to end well.

--

a big thanks to Chanel for co-writting!