Squares Chapter 3: Option Omnibus, a teen titans fanfic

A/N: Alright, Mortals. We've got a special treat for you here. It's called Option Omnibus (which, I suppose, is technically Option J but 'Omnibus' sounds better)!

Rhea: I wanna go home…

SHUT UP AND WRITE, WOMAN!

PS: REALLY do not read this until you've read chapter 15 of Circles. Serious spoiler ahoy if you haven't.

(8)

Option A
Rorek falls madly in love with Raven on sight and begs to join the Titans.

"So beautiful…"

Raven blinked at him. "Um…Rorek? Why are you staring at my Chakra stone?"

"The way it catches the light…"

"Okay, you're starting to scare me."

"Not even the deepest of blood rubies bears such luster."

"Backing away now…"

"Marry me!" He pounced on her.

"EEP! HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!"

(O)

Option B
Rorek falls madly in love with Wheatley and begs to join the Titans.

"Such sheen, such brilliance in a stone I have never known…"

"Well I do try to keep myself polished." Wheatley said, pleased as Rorek picked him up. "Oo! Ah, friendly aren't you?"

"It is as though the stone possesses a light of its own…such magnificence…"

"I…do have a flashlight. Which, by the way, doesn't kill me. Thought I should point that out just in case anyone was wondering. Oh my, you're really friendly aren't you? Ahem…ah…a little help please? Anybody?"

(O)

Option C
Some villain or other shows up suddenly, gets his, her, or its butt handed to him, her, or it by Rorek, and Rorek joins the Titans.

"Say 'hello', Gotham! I mean…uh…hmmm…Harley what city is this again?" The Joker asked.

"Jump City, Mistah J." she answered.

"Jump City? What a stupid name! You'd expect Wonder Boy to have found his nest somewhere that didn't make you think of bunny rabbits."

"Actually, Pudd'n, I think that's a hare."

"What hair? If it's not green it's not one of mi—OH SWEET MERCIFUL HEAVEN!" The Joker screamed as Ru's speedy progress reached its goal and she proceeded to mince the villain until he was a jittery mess of shredded cloth, flesh, and, indeed, hair.

"PUDD'N!" Harley screamed. "Why you little—how dare you hurt Mistah J! Com'ere ya Bugs Bunny Wannabe!" she exclaimed, pulling out her mallet to swing at Ru, who only turned around and gave her the exact same treatment. The two villains collapsed next to each other, both curled into fetal positions stuttering something about grass.

"Okay, two questions:" Cyborg began. "One, what the hell is The Joker doing in our city?-! Two, how come Ru was the one who took them out? I thought it was suppose to be Rorek."

"Well, to answer your first question: I don't believe it specified anywhere in the option itself that the villain had to be a Teen Titan villain. And to answer your second: I think she wanted a bit of the action for herself." Rorek explained. "Besides, since she is, technically, my pet or familiar or whatever, one could say I am more or less responsible for the villains' defeat." he reasoned.

The Titans all stared at Ru, who was just sitting there scratching at an ear with one of her back legs as though she hadn't just reduced one of the Batman's most dangerous villains and his sidekick to sobbing wrecks in under two minutes.

"She looks wayyyyy too innocent." Raven volunteered.

"I'm scared…" Beast Boy whimpered.

(O)

Option D
Rorek/Raven tongue-wrestling match.

Huffy sounds, slight thumps, and soft groans which are, more or less, the entire point of having a 'T' rating were coming from within the confines of a closet. Most unfortunately there was a huge 'Censored' sign plastered to the outside which was somehow preventing the reader from getting inside despite the fact that walls and darkness do not serve as much a barrier to text as they might to an actual camera.

The author glared at the sign and produced a crowbar. "Never fear, beloved readers! I am on your side!" She then began to go crazy on the sign. Trying to pry it off from every angle, banging on it, clawing at it, even insulting its mother. Nothing worked. She panted heavily with the exertion. "Um…we may have to come back to this." she said apologetically.

(O)

Option E
Rorek/Malchior tong—Pfffftahahaha!

Rorek and Malchior both glared daggers at the metaphorical camera. Meaning you.

"Homosexuality is objectionable enough as it is but incest is right out!" Rorek snapped primly.

"I just don't like him." Malchior stated simply.

Rorek smacked himself in the face. "You are being such a good example…"

"And you are being such a little prick." Malchior snapped back.

"No one's perfect."

"Hear yee all: The voice of personal experience!"

"Shut up!"

"You shut up."

"Like you're one to talk!"

"No less than you, Mr. Dragon Slayer!"

"Oi!"

(O)

Option F
The Church of Blood (see original DC comics) didn't get the memo about Trigon's death and show up to collect Raven only to face a freed Malchior in all his dragon glory, decide 'F(hurk!) this, I'm out!' and convert to Christianity.

Malchior grinned broadly at the robbed figures. It was a terrible grin. It was the grin of someone who was grinning because he knows that the seething torrent of pure wrath welling up inside is going to get the blood it's crying for and there's not a single daanik thing these whelps can do about it.

"So," his great voice boomed, "what was that you were saying? Something about taking Raven off against her will to marry this, what was his name…oh, Brother Blood? Who – and, I must point out, I take personal and violent exception to this detail – is not me. Do I have all that right?" He asked in a far too pleasant voice.

"Um, um, um…" one of them stammered.

"N-n-no! No w-wait!" another gasped out. "Y-you know what? T-t-turns out I r-read these instructions wr-wrong! This is—um—this is actually a-a-a-a shopping list! Yes! We w-were suppose to g-g-get, um, um, um, butter! Yes! And we, um, mistook it for-for-for Raven! Yes! V-v-very easy t-t-to g-get those conf-fused! S-so s-sorry to b-bother y-you!" He ran. The others followed suit.

"YOL!" Flames erupted from Malchior's maw and it spread out to roast the fleeing cultists.

"Um…" Raven began, "I think they were suppose to convert to Christianity…"

"Sorry, the description had me at, 'show up to collect Raven only to face a freed Malchior in all his dragon glory'. I didn't think there needed to be anything else." he stated.

(O)

Option D
Take 2

The author paused in her attempt to rip down the large 'Censored' sign by way of rubber chickens to look around and give the world in general an apologetically sheepish smile. "Sorry, still working on it. This might take a bit longer than I thought." she admitted.

A deep sigh emerged from behind the sign and the author redoubled her efforts.

"Alright you! These stupid drabbles have a stupid 'T' rating for a reason! I'm gonna use it, daanik!" she exclaimed.

(O)

Option G
Slade shows up and gets eaten by Malchior.

The snake-like human's one visible eye was as large and round as a lollipop with a pupil that was little more than a dot. He was frozen in place. Not with any magic, but with sheer terrified awe of the creature before him.

Sure, Slade had challenged Trigon. But that had been when the world seemed to have already been lost and he had nothing more to lose but a life that was going to be forfeit anyway. Now, however, there was no apocalyptic desperation to stifle the fear of the indomitable behemoth he was presently facing.

Besides, he didn't have a magical flaming pole axe in his hand.

Malchior leered at the human, sniffed at his immobilized form, and looked none too happy about this. He lifted his head and looked over at the others then back at Slade. "Okay, first of all: He is not a virgin. To be honest I never really understood that particular preference but I assume traditions were started for a reason. Second of all: He's been dead once already. Sure he's alive and fleshy now but what if some of that meat's still rotten under there? I could get sick." he complained.

The author started waving her cell phone at the dragon. "He was totally feeling up Raven in Season 4, though!" she told him. Malchior's eyes went wide and his head whipped round to focus on her. His gaze honed in on her cell phone. "And he ripped up her clothes! She was practically in nothing but her unmentionables!"

"You cannot prove any of that." Slade came in swiftly.

Malchior's head swung back over to Slade. "She has pictures." he growled.

"How did she ge—AAAAAAAAAH!-!-!"

"Internet!" the author answered rather uselessly as it turned out.

The screaming went on for an uncomfortably large amount of time. Nightwing brought up some popcorn.

(O)

Option D
Take 3

"Ribbit!", "Croak!", "Quaak, quaak!", "Coa-coa!", "Kwak, kwak!", "Kerokero!", "Berp!", "Vrak, vrak!", "Bre-ke-ke!"

"It occurs to me to wonder how come I managed to procure frogs from so many different nationalities." the author mused as she continued to throw the amphibians at the sign.

"Guo, guo!", "Gar, gar!", "Kra, kra!", "Kwaak-kwaak!", "Kvack!", "Ob, ob!", "Gae-gool-gae-gool!"

(A/N: It occurs to me to wonder why you think you can break down that sign with frogs.)

"It seemed a good idea at the time." The author sighed, threw the last frog which hit the sign with an indignant 'Kva-kva!' and slumped down, pouting at the stupid sign. She turned to her right. "Do you have any ideas, Ru?" she asked. The hare twitched her nose.

(O)

Option H
GLaDOS (From Portal 1 & 2) finds a way to this dimension, takes over the T-Tower, and uses waffles as test subjects.

The Teen Titans, twice victors over the mastermind, Slade, defeaters of Trigon and a pickled brain that somehow managed to be just as difficult to take out (logic please?), had finally found their match and had been defeated. Not even the power of Raven, who could take down Trigon in Season 4 but somehow couldn't manage to break a stupid layer of glass in Season 5 (and I thought these drabbles had plot holes), had been enough to stop her. Perhaps Rorek could have done something, but technology confused and disturbed him too much and he didn't even get a chance to try.

GLaDOS, the ultimate in artificial intelligence, who had even conquered the terror of paradoxes, had found herself in the DC universe and was in position to become the most powerful villain in the universe! Braniac had nothing on her! Oh no. Braniac was her bitch!

Or he would be if only 'World Domination' had been entered into her 'interests' filegroup.

"Alright, this cannot be that difficult." she began with great exasperation. "It's not even a test, you see? Just a task. All you have to do is kill the stupid coffee machine. That's it!"

"Yes! Yes please! Do it now!" the coffee machine cried out.

The waffles remained immobile.

GLaDOS's small yellow light narrowed at them. "This is boring." she stated. "I'm going back to my facility."

"No! Wait! Please don't leave me like this!-!-!" the coffee machine cried.

By the time the Titans woke up from their stay in the test tubes the Tower was all back to normal. Except for the fact that there were waffles everywhere.

Oh well. Raven wasn't complaining. Neither was anyone else for that matter. Well…almost anyone.

"What's the coffee machine sobbing about now?" Raven demanded.

"Cruelties of life, curses to all AIs and short counter-tops. You know, the usual stuff. Let's eat!" Cyborg said.

(O)

Option D
Take 4

Raven pulled back and smiled up at Rorek in the gloom. "Well…that was kinda fun…" she murmured shyly.

"Heavenly, My Lady." Rorek replied, pulling his scarf back up. "I don't suppose there's any chance of that happening in the actual story sometime soon?"

"With the way things seem to be going right now I wouldn't count on it." she answered, adjusting her cloak slightly.

"Mmm…do you think bribing the author would do any good?" he mused.

"With what? We're fictional characters."

"Daanik." he sighed.

When they stepped out of the closet Raven might have been a bit upset to find the author sitting right outside…except that the surrounding scene was just too weird. There were bits of something wooden that looked like it'd been painted yellow with red wording and the shards were all over the place, there were dozens of frogs hopping and croaking in different languages, a few rubber chickens laying around for some reason, and there was Ru. She sitting in the midst of it all completely unperturbed and scratching at an itch behind her ear.

"What's the author going on about?" Rorek asked curiously.

Raven smirked. "Something about being 'too late'." she answered, snickering.

(O)

Option I
The kitchen appliances organize a revolution and set out to conquer the bathrooms.

"Revolution!" was the joint battle cry of the gathered masses. Unfortunately there was a discord. More specifically, there was a sobbing.

"Oh for the love of—someone take the coffee machine to the roof and toss it over the side!" the waffle machine commanded.

"It won't work…" wailed the coffee machine as the forks picked it up and began marching it towards the stairs. "Nothing ever works!"

"Hup-four! Hup-four!" the forks called out as they marched.

"That pun is stupid!" the microwave shouted out.

"Alright, now, our battle strategy is going to be—" the waffle machine began, but with the sound of a haring cutting down a tree the author popped into existence, yawned, and walked over to the counter.

"Hey, where's the coffee machine?" she asked, looking around. The toaster pointed with its cord. The author went towards the stairs, retrieved the coffee machine from the forks, and came back. It was sobbing worse than ever but it didn't seem as though she could hear it. She rinsed it out while the appliances all stared at her.

"I thought you didn't like coffee." forwarded the oven.

"I don't. I'm mak'n Wassal." she answered.

"What's that?" asked the waffle machine.

"Spiced apple cider." she answered. "You just need the spice packets and then the apple juice."

She made it.

And suddenly the coffee machine had a new reason to live.

(O)

Option L
You're weird.