A.N. okay like normal I own nothing but this little thought bunny inside my head. Oh and if anyone can think of a good summary for me please feel free to let me know because I'm kind of confused on what I should put there.
~~~~~~~Line Break~~~~~~~~~~~
The first thing that registers in my mind is that my throat is sore, no raw, and it takes me a moment to figure out why. The whimpering of the TARDIS is what actually brings it all back to me. Rassalion, I haven't had a nightmare that bad in a long time. Well no, that's not true I haven't had that nightmare in a long time but it seems like every time I sleep all I have are nightmares now.
I knew that shutting my eyes was such a bad idea but I just needed to rest, for 5 minutes I just needed to close my eyes and rest. With Martha on board I tried to sleep as little as possible and what sleep I did get was 15 minutes here and there. The sleep was just long enough to relax my brain but never long enough to allow the nightmares to come. The few times I did sleep I usually had nightmares...nightmares like the one I had tonight. During that time when I awoke myself from literally screaming from these nightmares, I considered it a good night. A few times the TARDIS had a wake me up and that was never pretty.
The only good thing about being captured was that ability to catch up on my sleep. I had gone far too long with far too little real sleep before he captured me. The downside was The Master had me and he could see my dreams, the good ones and the bad. He taunted me with how he's killing Jack, with how he killed Sarah Jane and the plans he had for Martha. He never once questioned the claim, I knew he could feel it but he never questioned it. Not a word was said about the scar, the bite mark actually, or the ring on the chain I wear...a simple gold band. He knew when and what I dreamed about Rose but he showed me unexpected kindness when he did not talk to me about her and didn't ask me about her.
The second thing that registers next is pain. The pain is not the familiar feeling of heartbreak and loss, no this is more subtle and yet still somewhat familiar. It feels like a paper cut or a deep bruise. The pain is not strong enough to overwhelm the dull pain of heartbreak but it somehow lessens the pain I feel constantly. I can't help but use the pain as a crutch, pulling my jagged edges back together and throwing together some semblance of mental order. The TARDIS helps fill in the gaps in my mental shield, but she does remind me that she could only damn things for so long. My knuckles are throbbing in time with the beat of my two hearts and I need to know is how I acquired this new hurt. I look over to see Jack on the floor. I rise out of my bed and offer a hand to him. He doesn't ask for an apology from me nor do I offer one. For people like us it's not needed. Jack knows how it feels to be so terrified that your first reaction is to take the source of fear away from you and for the brief moment he was it.
I barely register Martha clutching the door frame and in my mind right now she's not important. I realize the room wasn't sound proof and that's how she heard me. The room should have been sound proof. I feel bad for waking her until I see her face...there is a mixture of lust, fear and something that resembles my own heartbreak in her eyes. I can't bring myself to care right now; I just don't have the energy.
The TARDIS, my sweetheart of a ship has a hot shower running for me; she is also trying to send comfort through our bond. Right now I don't want to feel it, all I want to feel is the pain of this loss. I know Jack is wondering about my nightmare, and he probably is right to be concerned. Since she was taken they've gotten worse and more frequent. With Rose gone I have no reason to be pulled out of them, without Rose being here I'm barely sleeping anymore.
I stumble into the bathroom and mention something about meeting them in the kitchen or at least I think that's what I said. I am just not sure, I just can't think straight. With both the bathroom and bedroom door closed firmly behind me I let my legs give out. Sitting on the floor back pressed firmly to the door I can't hold in my sobs any longer. Time is relative as I weep although I don't know if it is for my home, my people, the child I dreamed was ours or my mate. It feels like forever before I finally crawl over and into the shower. Somehow I pull myself together while standing under the hot water. Somehow I get wash and dress myself.
Some part of me felt like I owed them an explanation, like I should tell them everything. So much of me is rejecting the idea right now. Martha will not understand and will be sending me more looks of something akin to hate. Jack he won't offer me pity, but he will have this look of well I don't know how to explain it. Something in the look makes me feel pain. There are other secrets I'll want to tell if I talk about my nightmare. How much of a friend Jack is, and how much I need Martha to get through my day this is one secret to keep to myself. I'm old enough to admit that I need a hand to hold, I need someone to ground me. It's just she's not the someone I want.
I enter the kitchen to grab a cup of tea that has been set out. All it takes is one smell and I can't bring myself to drink the cup. It'll bring back too many memories of her and of nine. The others are watching me just waiting for me to say something and for a single moment I think I'm going to...I'm going to open my mouth and everything is going to spill out.
With the ringing of a phone that urge suddenly disappears. Somehow Jack's crew managed to get a hold of him. They need his help so with a start we're all up and running. It's time for us to go save the world.