Chapter 3: Rose Logic

"I don't know where to start," I said.

"The beginning, maybe?" Rose suggested.

"That's not helpful," I replied. "I don't know what constitutes the beginning. The beginning of the kiss? I mean, I grabbed him. Then we kissed. Then we stopped. It sounds simple when I say it like that, doesn't it? It isn't, of course, but..."

"Let's start with this," Rose said. "When did you start liking him? I mean, he's an evil creature of the night like me, right? So what's going on here?"

I paused. When had I started to feel this way about Adrian? When we were captured by the Strigoi? When we investigated the tattoo parlor together? Those times when he had made me laugh, or want to punch him, or want to kill him? Was it maybe when I had first seen him on that security camera footage? "I don't know," I said. "All of a sudden, it became clear to me that I had liked him for... a while. It's like suddenly realizing that you've had a headache for a while, but you can't figure out when it started."

"Very romantic," said Rose. "He'll love it if you compare him to a headache."

"No, probably not," I said. "Anyway, well, I guess I'll start with the dream." I told her about the "trip to Rome," starting with the Coliseum and Adrian in his toga. I could almost feel her smirk over the phone when I told her about that. I described how we'd talked as we toured the Pantheon and the Trevi Fountain, and how we'd jumped into the cold blue water. "Adrian changed into a bathing suit for that," I mentioned.

"Very important detail," Rose said. "Speedo, or trunks?"

"Trunks," I said.

"Oh, that's a shame. I bet he could have rocked a tiny Speedo!"

"No way! I don't think I could have handled... all that... Adrian."

"Handled it?" she said, mischievously.

"Oh be quiet, you evil creature," I said, and she laughed again.

I went on to describe the Spanish steps, how we'd climbed to the top – "Adrian climbed one hundred and thirty steps?" Rose interjected, wonderingly – and how, sitting at the top, he'd commented on how bright my aura was.

"And it got brighter when he touched you?" Rose asked.

"I guess so," I said. "I mean, he touched me, and then it got brighter. At least, that's according to him."

"Hmmm..." she said.

"And then... And then he said a few more things, and then I decided to wake up. And then I checked my vital signs, but they all seemed normal, so I couldn't determine the source of my increased heart rate and labored breathing. Of course, now it seems fairly obvious what was wrong with me."

"Yeah, I'd say that," said Rose. "What 'few more things' did he say?"

"What, just before I woke up?"

"Yep. Then."

"Well, I had just told him that he needed someone in his life who would encourage him without controlling him for once."

"Hey!" said Rose. "Are you saying that I controlled him?"

"Well, what would you call that dating contract of yours?"

"Not controlling," said Rose. "It was his idea!"

"Well, far be it from me to comment on your love life," I said.

"Ex-love-life," she corrected. "I'm with Dimitri now. Again. Um. For sure."

"I know that. Believe me, everyone knows that."

Rose sighed. "Is Adrian still mad at me?"

"He was for a while. It sort of trailed off, though. He doesn't seem quite as bitter anymore. I mean, especially since..." I trailed off.

"He fell for you?" she supplied.

"He hasn't fallen for me," I said. "I don't know why he would feel that way about me at all."

"Why wouldn't he?" Rose asked.

"I'm pretty boring and straight-laced, especially compared to you," I said. She started to object, but I interrupted. "Is it really weird to be talking about this? Was it totally inappropriate for me to call you to talk about Adrian? It was my understanding that girls discuss things like this, you know, guys and stuff, with each other, but I don't really know the protocol when we're dealing with exes."

"We—ell," said Rose, "I guess some people would think it was weird. But I guess I don't, not really. I think I would have done the same thing in your shoes."

"No, you wouldn't," I said, matter-of-factly. "You would have handled the problem on your own."

"Is that the way you see me?" Rose asked. "A one-woman army?"

"Isn't that what you are?"

"Not totally. Maybe it's the way I used to be. These days, I usually go to my friends when I need help. I go to Lissa."

"Oh," I said. "Yeah, she is your best friend, isn't she?" For some reason, that made me feel kind of left out.

"But you're my friend, too," Rose said.

"Oh," I said.

"Anyway, I'm happy to help you with this. For one thing, Adrian and I broke up a while ago, and for another, he was never... I was never planning on marrying him, you know? Also, I'm happily settled with someone else, the love of my life to be exact. And, last but not least, like I said, you're my friend. You need someone to talk to, someone who understands. I am kind of the ideal candidate because I know both of you, but I'm not involved in the day-to-day."

"Okay," I said. "That's a very cogent argument. Thanks."

"Not a problem," said Rose. "I specialize in Rose-logic. Now, so, you were telling Adrian that he needed to be with someone who inspired him without controlling him, right?"

"Right."

"And what did he say?"

"That... I did that. That I inspired him."

"And then what?"

"Then his voice got quieter and quieter, and we talked about the wishes we had made at the fountain, and he was sort of leaning forward, and then I just... got scared and asked to wake up."

"Hmmm," said Rose.

"Just 'hmmm?'" I said. "Is that your brilliant advice?"

"I'm still gathering intel," she said. "So, that was the dream. Sounds like a really nice dream, I have to say. He never went to that much effort for me for our spirit dreams." She sounded comically peeved. I felt oddly jealous, knowing that she had visited Adrian in spirit dreams too.

I changed the subject slightly. "Do you buy this stuff about auras? That they get brighter under certain emotional circumstances?"

"Of course," she replied. "I used to be able to see them too. Back when I had the bond with Lissa." She sounded a little wistful. "I used to be able to see through her eyes, and when I did, I could see auras. So, yeah, I believe in them. And you know, back before we had gotten Jill back to court, when we were on the run, Sonya told me..." She hesitated. "Sonya told me how bright my aura was when I was around Dimitri. That's when I was still trying to convince myself that I wasn't still in love with him, that I could make it work with Adrian. My aura gave me away, though. It shined when I was around the man I really loved. And so, before you ask, I think it's extremely likely that your date with Adrian put a golden spark in your aura, Syd."

"Date?" I said, my voice almost cracking on the one word.

Rose laughed. "Yeah, a date!"

"That was a date?"

"The flirting? The flower for your hair? The ice cream? The offer to walk arm in arm? And then at the end, I am pretty sure that he was ramping up for a little good-night kiss."

"You think?"

"Of course. He was leaning closer, talking softly... I know that look."

Again, I felt a tiny spark of jealousy. All the times that Rose must have kissed Adrian! And she didn't even appreciate it, didn't appreciate her freedom to be with him. It was a freedom that I didn't have. "So," I said. "It was a date, then. I went on a date. Magically – slash - psychically. With a vampire. And it made my aura glow."

"Yeah, that sounds like what happened," she said. I could picture her looking at me like I was an idiot.

"Fantastic," I said.

"Hey, don't feel the need to hide your sarcasm around me," Rose said. "Anyway, so now I have the background. Now get to the good part. What happened today? Tell me about this kiss."

I told her about the visit to Adrian's, how he'd practically ignored me at first. "That sounds like typical wounded Adrian," she said. "He's a champion sulker. He must have been so hurt when you asked to wake up right when he was going to kiss you." I described the paintings, and she was surprised to know that he'd developed such a passion for art. Then I told her how we'd gone into his room to see the other paintings, and how they'd all been of me. I heard her sharp intake of breath.

"So," I said, "when Jill left to make a phone call, I asked Adrian about the paintings. We started sort of arguing, and then I closed my eyes and told him how I'd been feeling so strange, and when I opened my eyes I looked right into his and I just... had to kiss him."

I told her about how at first the kiss was so desperate, and how then the urge lessened but still didn't go away, and how Adrian had suddenly pulled apart from me and apologized for having used compulsion. I repeated most of his explanation word for word, and even told her about Jill's second-hand reaction.

"Wait, wait, wait," Rose said, when I had finished. "I missed something. What did he say out loud to compel you?"

"Nothing. He just looked at me."

"Then I don't get it," Rose said. "It can't have been compulsion. It doesn't work like that. The person has to say something out loud. Thank God, because if he really had used compulsion on you for something like that, I'd have to get on the next flight out there and kick his ass."

"But he said it was compulsion. He thought 'kiss me' really strongly and I felt compelled to do just that. He could even feel the compulsion energy flowing through him. Perhaps humans are more susceptible to compulsion than your kind are," I said.

"You forget, I lived with humans for two years. I saw Lissa use compulsion from time to time, and humans are just like Dhampirs and Moroi. Some are more susceptible, and some are less susceptible. She even used it on me once, through the bond." She sounded wry. "I could still strangle her for that, even though it obviously turned out well in the end. Anyway, if I had to lay odds, I would guess you wouldn't be easy to sway. But... well, maybe you're just really susceptible to Adrian."

"I don't understand what that's supposed to mean."

"God, for a genius, you really are dense," Rose said. "Okay, listen. It's easier to use compulsion to make someone do something that isn't too different from what they really want to do anyway. I guess you were wanting to... you know, kiss him or something, and he was wanting to, too, and there was just some sort of... psychic crash. I don't really understand stuff like this. I could ask Lissa, if you want."

"Please don't," I said. "I don't know if it's that important."

"Of course it's important. It was important enough for you to call me, right?"

"It's not important, though," I persisted. "He's a vampire. I'm a human. The point is moot. Whether I'm angry at him or not, whether I... like him or not. It's disgusting. It's wrong. I mean, what are he and I going to do? Live with the Keepers? Have a brood of dhampirs?"

"You got a problem with dhampirs?"

"I didn't mean you," I said. "You're fine."

"But the rest of us are disgusting? Eddie and Dimitri are disgusting?"

"It's not that you are disgusting, exactly. Or Eddie, or Dimitri, or any other specific dhampir. It's just that... Look, even you said that it was weird for humans and Moroi to get together. The Keepers grossed you out almost as much as they grossed me out. We all agree: relationships between humans and vampires are sick and wrong." There was a funny edge to my voice as I added, "I don't understand how I got to this point."

"I learned a while ago that sometimes, the heart just wants what it wants," Rose said. "Did I ever tell you... Of course I never told you. I never told anyone but Lissa." She paused, then went on in a rush, "I kissed Dimitri when he was still a Strigoi."

I couldn't believe what I had just heard. There was a long silence.

"I loved him so much," she went on, her voice thick with emotion. "That face, that voice, that hair, those eyes, almost the same but ringed in red. He even had the same duster! He read the same stupid Westerns! You don't know how hard it was to be around him. He was the same, but not. I loved him so much that even a fake, evil version of him was irresistible to me."

"So you... kissed him?"

"Yeah..."

"Just once, right?"

There was silence on the other end of the line.

"So, several times then?"

"Yes," said Rose, very softly.

"I'm sorry to say this," I said, "but that's really disgusting. I mean, really, really disgusting."

"Well, I'm glad I shared it with you then," she said. She sounded a little pissed off.

I took a deep breath. She was trusting me with a secret that she had only ever told Lissa. Even if it made my skin crawl, I had to do a better job of being her friend. "Like I said, I'm sorry. I'm not really good at padding the truth, you know? But I guess I understand what you're saying. You loved him when he was alive. It must have been... really hard. I've never lost someone I loved. I'm... I'm really glad that you got him back. I won't tell anyone what you told me. I'm sorry I said it was disgusting."

"Thank you," Rose said.

"Even though it kind of is."

Rose laughed. "You really aren't good at padding the truth, are you?"

"No. But neither are you, normally. That's one of the reasons I wanted to talk to you about this. I knew you would tell me the truth as you saw it."

"I'm trying to," Rose said. "This is a really weird subject."

"I still don't understand the point of your anecdote, though," I said. "Are you trying to say that if you could love a Strigoi, then I can love a Moroi? Because I'm not sure I buy that."

"That's not what I'm saying! I didn't really love him as a Strigoi. I loved him, and then he became a Strigoi. Or... that's not quite it. Look, what I'm saying is, love is just about the strongest force on earth. I saw the tiniest, tiniest traces of my Dimitri inside of that monster, and that's why I went to such insane lengths to get him back. I guess I just feel like love is worth fighting for. Love makes you do crazy things. I kissed an evil monster out of love. And compared to a Strigoi, a Moroi barely tips the needle on the evil scale."

"Is this more Rose-logic?" I asked.

'Definitely," she answered. "Okay, this is my point. I know what it is now. It's this: When you're in love, you're in love. There's no point in fighting it or denying it."

"I'm not in love with Adrian," I said. "I barely know him. I only kissed him because of the compulsion."

"And then kept kissing him after he turned the compulsion off because..."

"Because of hormones."

Rose laughed. "You're pretty good at Rose-logic too. I'm going to start calling it 'Sydney-logic.' I'm impressed." She paused, and then blurted out, "Oooh! This is kind of random, but I just figured out what it's like!"

"What what is it like?" I asked dryly.

"You and Adrian, the compulsion thing. It reminds me of that thing from chemistry class. You know what it's called. A catalytic converter?"

"That's a car part, Rose. Are you talking about a catalyst?"

"Yeah, that. The thing that makes the reaction happen with less energy or heat or whatever."

"You're very articulate, you know that?"

"Shut up, I'm helping you," she said, cheerfully. "So, you dump in the catalyst to the beaker or whatever, and it makes the reaction happen quicker, right? But it would have happened anyway?"

"That's more or less how catalysts work, yeah."

"So, that's you and Adrian! You wanted to kiss him, but there was a... a... block, slowing you down."

I thought about that. Rose was not over-educated, but she was smarter than most people gave her credit. "Let me understand this. You think that Adrian's compulsion wave just lowered my activation energy? And I responded by doing what I wanted to do anyway?"

"Yeah, that. 'Activation energy.' And then, poof! You were making out!"

"Voila and eureka," I said.

"Because otherwise," continued Rose. "It'd be kind of... gross. A guy making a girl kiss him."

"Yeah," I said. "It would be."

"And like I said, I'd kick his ass."

"And I would enjoy watching that," I said. We both laughed.

"At least..." Rose said. "At least he stopped. Adrian has really strong compulsion, you know. If he wanted to, he could make someone get down on all fours and bark like a dog, or make them give him all their money, or think they're seeing things that aren't really there. I mean, if he ever wanted to hurt someone, he'd be able to. That's one of the wonderful things about him. He has all that power, and he almost never uses it, except to help people. Like, it really was the right thing to calm Jill down like that. She shouldn't have been exposed to those emotions."

"Adrian's the complete opposite of Keith then," I said, and then actually put a hand to my mouth. Stupid stupid stupid...

"Keith?" Rose had met Keith briefly at the beginning of the assignment. "That asshole? What did he do?"

"Nothing," I said.

"Come on, Sydney. Tell me."

Something about the calm, firm tone of her voice reminded me that I could trust her. "He hurt a girl," I said. "He forced her to... Someone I care about. My... sister." I paused for a moment.

"The shit," said Rose, emphatically. "I always knew I didn't like him. And I'm so sorry about your sister. Is she ok now? Do you want me to find Keith and do something really nasty to him?"

"She's doing better now, thank you," I said. "In any case, it's been taken care of."

"Oh, is that so! And I bet you're the one who took care of it, am I right?"

"Could be." I tried to keep the satisfaction out of my voice, but it was almost impossible.

"What did you do to him?"

"Well, the Bible teaches us to take an eye for an eye. So..."

"Omigod, his EYE!" Rose nearly shouted. "I always thought that the whole 'Strigoi took my eye' story was super fishy!"

"Ok, Ok," I said. "Shhhh!"

"Oh, I see now," she giggled. "Unlike him! He doesn't see so well anymore!" She was actually letting out peals of laughter at her own joke, and I held the phone slightly away from my ear. Finally she calmed down enough to speak again. "You're kind of a bad-ass, Sydney. I won't underestimate you ever again. That is so awesome."

"I didn't call you to talk about this," I said.

"Well, ok, ok. You don't have to then," she said. "Although technically, I called you. But I know what you mean. And I'm on your side, if you need anything else in the future."

"Thanks," I said.

"And seriously, from what I'm understanding about Keith? Adrian is the exact opposite. He would never do anything like that."

"I know," I said. And the second I said it, I knew it was true. Adrian may have made a mistake, but that didn't make him a bad person. He hadn't meant to hurt me, and he had come clean about what he'd done.

"And I doubt he'd ever do it again," Rose said. "Not now that he knows what he's capable of."

"So... I should forgive him?"

"It's hard to be mad at someone for a thought. If it were me? I think I would forgive him."

"But I'm not you."

"Good thing! I think one of me is enough," Rose said, laughing.

"Adrian would disagree," I said. "He'd love it if one of you could stay with Dimitri and he could have the other one."

Rose was quiet for a moment. "Adrian and I couldn't have worked if there were a hundred of each of us," she said. "It sounds like he's starting to understand that."

Just as she spoke, my phone beeped. "Hold on," I told Rose. "I just got a text message." I was glad that the alchemists paid for top-of-the-line phones, because I was able to read the text without getting off the line with Rose.

"Is it from Adrian?" Rose asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Well?"

"It says, 'Can I talk to you tonight after you go to sleep? You pick the place, ok? If you don't want me to visit tell me.' What does that mean?"

"A spirit dream?" Rose suggested.

"Obviously," I said. "But what does he mean, 'you pick the place'?"

"I'm not totally sure, but I think it means that he'll let your subconscious choose where to meet."

"Oh."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Maybe I should tell him to leave me alone."

"You'd be within your rights," Rose said. "What do you want to do? Do you want to see him?"

I considered it. "I guess I do."

"Even though he's an evil creature of the night?"

"Even though," I said, heavily.

"Even though it means meeting in an evil spirit dream?"

"In for a penny, in for a pound," I said. What was I getting myself into?

"Well then, go to sleep, girl! It's late by your schedule anyway, right?"

I looked at my watch. It was almost 1 in the morning. "Pretty late," I said.

"Ok. Listen, I'm really glad you called me, Sydney. Or texted me, or whatever. I know it's a little awkward, but, well, Adrian is a really special guy. He deserves someone who understands him, and I know he'll make the right girl really happy. If it's you, I'll be really glad. Moroi, human, at some point... we're all just people. So, go, get some sleep, and sweet dreams!"

"I'll try," I said.

"Yoda says, 'Do or do not. There is no try.'"

"Who's Yoda?" I asked.

"Omigod, Sydney. And you think I'm the unnatural one? Just call me tomorrow to tell me how it went, ok?"

I was surprised at how concerned she was. Rose really was a good person, and a good friend. How had I ever thought she was frightening or disgusting? I'd much rather spend time with her than with someone like Keith, or most of the kids at Amberwood, to be honest. Being 'human' was clearly not the primary criteria for being a good friend, which was very hard for me to fully take in.

I said goodnight to her, promising to call her tomorrow, then got ready for bed and tried to calm myself down enough to go to sleep.

Where should I meet Adrian? I tried to think about where I would most like to be, and as I lay in bed, running over the options, I drifted off to sleep... and found myself, as expected, in the middle of a spirit dream. I just wasn't expecting to be here.

Updated: September 3, 2012