Author's Note: This was, for a time, one of my favorite chapters in the entire story. I had so much fun with it and a lot of the chapter opens some gags that go on throughout the story. Today it takes place the next day after chapters 1 and 2. Kabuto and his new son go out for a day of enjoyment in search of something worthwhile. Enjoy.
Chapter Three: Choo-Choos and Baby Fat
Sasuke awoke, exhausted and hungry from a long, terrifying night. All night long he had been trying his hardest, to the limit of his power, to escape the crib of evil, but with no luck. Eventually, he dozed off; too exhausted to go on, but now, with the sun streaming through the blinds he decided to try again.
However, before he was able to do anything a smiling Kabuto entered the room. "How was you sleep?" he asked sweetly, adding a teddy bear to his collection already overflowing in his crib.
Sasuke didn't say a word, but stared at him long and hard, twitching slightly. Kabuto stared back for a moment or two, and then attempted to pick up his new son. Like the night before, he could not lift his, so he simply allowed him to walk beside him; that is, he had to hold his hand the entire way to the living room, somewhere on the 59th underground floor.
Orochimaru was now wearing a blue and green striped apron, and in the kitchen flipping pancakes and bacon. Several times the sizzling food missed the pan and landed on his arm, cause him to scream and burn, but then he smiled and flipped them back in. He looked over his shoulder and spazzed at the presence of his two favorite people in the whole world!
Kabuto flipped Sasuke violently into a play pen that was far too short for him; he could easily step out of it and walk away. However, Sasuke sat still and refused to move. Kabuto sat on the couch and began watching at taped episode of ER.
"Orochie." He said over his shoulder, looking concerned. "I'm worried about Sasuke's diet. He seems extremely overweight!"
"My son?!" Orochimaru gasped. "That's not possible!"
"I'm afraid so." Kabuto sighed. "I feel we should put him on a strict baby diet."
"Are pancakes unhealthy?" Orochimaru asked, flipping a strip of bacon clean into the air.
"No, they aren't." Kabuto said, thinking extra hard. "But bacon is." He picked up a magazine labeled I'm a Doctor Weekly and flipped it open. "But we shouldn't give him as much food as he wants. Look at him. He's the size of a ten year old!"
That was true. Sasuke was built strangely like a ten year old…except for his good looks, that is. The problem of this situation was that Sasuke was extremely underweight. They're gonna kill me, he thought, shaking. I can't stay here…
"Breakfast!" Orochimaru sang happily from the kitchen, twirling plates of pancakes on his fingers. Sasuke stepped over the play pen as Kabuto began to prepare his booster seat for him. Mind you, he did not fit, but they got him in… just barely.
He looked down at his plate. There was only half a pancake with little to no syrup on the top. He poked at it sheepishly and looked up.
"I usually eat, like, three of these." He mumbled.
"That's all you need, honey." Orochimaru fussed. "You're on a diet!" he continued to eat. "Honey?" he said suddenly to Kabuto. "I think it would be a good idea to take Little Sasuke to the Toy Store! He needs a new toy, and it'll make him feel more welcome in our home!"
"Splendid!" Kabuto cried. "I'll take him after lunch! Father-son time, ya' know!"
Sasuke remembered counting the six toy boxes and life sized teddy bears pushed in the corners of his room. A new toy didn't even seem needed. He sighed and folded his hands.
"I have to say something." Sasuke said quietly, but the two looked up. He sighed and blurted, "I'm twelve. Not two. I'm underweight, not overweight. Got it?"
"Sure you are, son!" he laughed. "Such a big boy, huh?"
"Your time will come, Sasuke." Orochimaru said quietly, eating his pancakes, and then dumping seconds on his plate. Sasuke's mouth watered. His half of a pancake was gone, and Kabuto's bacon sure looked tasty… He tried to reach forward desperately for his plate, but the strap on the booster seat dug deeper into his organs, and he gasped in pain.
"Done so soon?" Kabuto laughed. "You sure are a hungry sport!"
"That's why he's fat." Orochimaru said stiffly, looking as if he could cry.
Kabuto held his hand while crossing the street to the toy store. Some parents walking over to Target ® stared confused at the 19 year old man and the twelve year old boy crossing the parking lot. Even stranger was when they began to head for the Toy Store.
"Is that your brother?" One lady asked.
"He's my son!" Kabuto said brightly, cause those around his to cringe. "My adoptive son!" he added, but they still backed away from them cautiously.
Once they had reached the door after the horrifying walk of shame, Kabuto eagerly opened the door to a store Sasuke had never seen before. And by a store he never saw before, I mean a store he had never seen as chaotic as it was. Mothers and children were running around, screaming and attacking each other with toys. There were some kids in the outdoor toy department setting fires and explosives off, while parents in the board game sections were shoving monopoly pieces down the other parents' throats, and others smashed board game boards into the heads of the person next to them. Moaning workers and children were lying all over the floor, and a child who's mother was now bleeding from the head on the ground was fighting to the death while others tried to eat her flesh.
Sasuke stepped away from the door in terror.
Kabuto smiled and merely stepped into the horrific world of Toy Stores and casually walked towards the nearest department. Sasuke sat there outside, waiting for him to notice he was there beside him anymore, but after he disappeared behind a mob of children, he felt his legs shake. However, he still walked inside, ignoring his chance to run away. I guess when you're in that much panic, you can't think of anything else than to walk towards your doom.
Upon entering, Sasuke was nearly pummeled by two women who screeched, "MY SON WANT'S A ROCK LEE ACTION FIGURE, AND HE'S GONNA GET IT!"
"THAT'S THE LAST ONE! I MUST HAVE IT!" Sasuke stepped over a few bodies and continued to find Kabuto, although, he was no where to be seen. Sasuke sat alone in the store, shaking violently. The door now was being boarded up by some children who shouted, "NOBODY LEAVES UNTIL WE GET OUR HARRY POTTER LEGO SETS!" All hopes of escape were lost.
Sasuke continued down the path towards the video game section. Of course, emos LOVE video games so it seemed reasonable for Sasuke to go there. However, this part of the store was just as bad as the rest. Why? The children had Try-Me game controllers. TRY-ME GAME CONTROLLERS. That is no laughing matter.
Just then, Sasuke heard a voice above the Battle Royale Toy Store. "It's perfect!" shouted Kabuto from the opposite side of the store. "Perfect!"
Oh, crap! Sasuke thought. He found a toy! What the hell did he get!? Struck with more fear, Sasuke ran towards the location of Kabuto's cheers. Now, throughout the walk through the toy store, Sasuke had been doing quite well. Nobody had attacked him, or even thought about him the entire time. However, as Sasuke turned the corner towards the Lincoln Logs and Lego department, he heard the sound of an incoming screaming, and saw a boy armed with a squirt gun leap from the ceiling towards him.
"I don't have time for this." Sasuke mumbled, and reached into the air and caught the kid by his ankle. Stepping back, he swung the child around and flung him into a pile of boxed toys. Every child in the store turned towards him. Each one of their faces read, I challenge you!
Suddenly, the army of children attacked, each one violently lunging themselves at him. But, being the ninja that he was, he fought back just as well. "Gawd." He groaned after punching a small girl in the back of her head. "This is out of hand. Naruto wouldn't have been this bad. At least he'd know when to quit." Unfortunately, as he thought about it, Naruto would just run to the action figure section and beat children with Spiderman Web-Flingers. He sighed again.
Then he suddenly remembered Kabuto and immediately rushed out of the sea of deadly children, dashing towards where he first heard his voice. Franticly, he leaped over two girls tackling each other for a Barbie doll, and shoved his way past a mother wearing a sling. Finally, he saw Kabuto hang up on his Sound Ninja cell phone, smiling. His back was turned, and he was standing in front of something Sasuke could not see. He turned to him, surprised.
"Oh, Sasuke!" he chuckled. "I knew you weren't far!" (Worst. Father. Ever.) He stepped aside. "Look what I found for you, and mommy says it's fine. Look! It's even on sale!" Sasuke looked down, horrified. Behind Kabuto was a purple Ride-In train. Plus conductor hat. Hell yeah.
"Let's go pay for it." Kabuto smiled, grabbing a big box and walking off. "Come on, Sasuke!" Sasuke walked slowly behind him, eyeing the box fearfully. A ride-in train? Was he joking?
They approached the counter where a man armed with a knife sat at the register. He eyed them.
"Pl-pl-pl-please place your i-i-i-item on the c-c-c-c-counter." He stuttered, raising his knife at Sasuke's throat fearfully. Kabuto merely grinned and did as followed. The man marked it and placed it in an oversized bag.
"So," Kabuto said. "Is it always this busy?"
"Today's actually kind of slow." The man said, still not taking his eyes off Sasuke and Kabuto, and holding his armed hand firm at their necks.
"Well, thanks!" Kabuto said, taking the bag and walking off. "Come on, son!" The man at the counter stared at Sasuke and suddenly grinned.
"Son?" he chuckled.
"Don't ask." Sasuke glared, and walked off. As he left, Kabuto grabbed his hand and they walked back to the Kabuto-mobile.
When they entered the room with Orochimaru, they found him sitting in front of a computer screen screaming, "L! No! You can't die! Curse you, Light!" Kabuto placed the train on the floor.
"Orochimaru!" he called, making him turn around. "We got it!"
"I'm sorry, but I'm not done with my episode!" Orochimaru sobbed. "I can't!"
"You're watching it on the computer." Kabuto said. "There is a pause button."
"Oh yeah!" he said and skipped towards the two.
For the next fifteen minuets, they sat there and egged him to sit in the train which was much too small for him. They taunted him with a teddy bear and Orochimaru shoved a "binky" in Sasuke's mouth, which must have been cursed because Sasuke could not get it out afterwards. Not only that, but they shook rattles in his face. Finally, after nearing losing sanity, Sasuke stood up, and walked towards the train. ("Don't forget your conductor's hat!" Kabuto shouted.) He took a deep breath, and stepped in.
The train imploded itself. A small nuclear explosion erupted in the middle of the room. Kabuto and Orochimaru jumped behind the couch to protect themselves. When it was over, they looked over the sides to see what had happened. In the middle of the room stood Sasuke with a pile of broken train around him.
"My son is…FAT!" Orochimaru screamed and ran to his computer to watch the rest of his Death Note episode.
And so, after successfully surviving the death of all Toy Stores, something anyone would be proud of, Sasuke went back to his second childhood with his age (and gender) confused parents. He continued his baby diet and constant play-times. He sometimes went days with out seeing the sun. Nap time was his favorite part of the day.
And as his adventures into childhood continued, he found himself in strange and idiotic moments of pain and awkwardness. But this is not his only time of horror. You will be entertained many more times than this.
Author's Note: Like I said, this was once of my favorite chapters to write. I simply LOVED the Toy Store and all its chaos. Sadly, as I look at other chapters I've written I notice I have small children acting savage and violent every so often.
The original concept of this story was a small comic I wrote that showed Kabuto's and Orochimaru's photo album with Sasuke. The part where they egg him on to hop in the train was one of the photos. In fact, many of the first chapters have reference to the actual drawing. Just a fun fact.
Some of the gags you'll see onward include the Kabuto-mobile, "I'm a doctor, 'ya know.", Sasuke's overweightness, and the Toy Store itself. See ya!