I guess I should say that the characters names of Edward and Bella are SM's alone and that I am just borrowing them for my car ride through this partial real story.

This next chapter is dark with adult themes, including rape, language, and drunken stupidity. Graphic!!

Don't forget to review…Next chapter will be in a much lighter tone as Bellas life goes for a rollercoaster ride.

Today, thinking of this brings me to my "safe place"….my closet. dark, small, one entrance, one exit, and I can lay there and cry without being in the cold tile. My panic attacks come on less frequent due to the little green pill, I call "Jazz".

"Jazz", my doctor told me one day, "Your cure Bella, to not feeling so out of control…just try it… (whispering in my ear) "It will make the panic attacks stop, sweetie, please?"

If he only knew the things, the thoughts I thought of as my panic attacks would come. I can feel them coming now. I can almost sense when I am close to loosing control. It's like my body warns me. At night lying in my bed, what was once our bed, I remember mostly. It's like having a video recorder play endless repeated scenes. It's a confused state of mind as I remember him in the good and in the bad. I can clearly see his warm eyes on me when he would touch me, sometimes caressing my full breast, sucking one…then the other, knowing all to well that's what I liked …then the thoughts are shattered by fear when I would lay in that same bed as he hurt me in everyway he could. Each unjust thrust, slap, and hardness against my skin…I can still feel his hands holding me down, sometimes hitting, sometimes biting, and sometimes just having his way…everyway with me forcefully, greedy, tearing me over and over. I felt everyway a woman should not feel. The burning was the worst, and knowing in the morning the feeling would be worst was horrible. I still can't believe I tried to tell myself he loved me somewhere in the body above me even when he made me cry and beg.

I prayed sometimes that if this was the life I was dealt with then please let me live long enough for my daughter to remember my face. I really thought one day he would kill me. He was too possessive to share me…I was only his. He liked to take me whenever he wanted and just make me feel like a dirty whore.

Reluctantly, I take my prescription to my local pharmacy. Just my luck, a young chick on the other side of the counter who probably thinks I'm a basket case.

"Bella Swan, is that you?" who else would it be, I thought…

"Yes, that's me, is there a problem?" "

"No, just checking, it will be ready in a couple of minutes, your doctor made the request for a STAT fill"

Great. "Ohhh, ok, I'll wait here"

As I held my new friend in my hand, I clung to it like if I suddenly left my fears rest on this one little bottle. I wished upon all the stars that night as I walked out of the pharmacy that this one little green pill can hold back all I had inside just long enough for me to see my little girl for a little while longer.

How many times did he force me to do things I didn't want to do…things so hard to even put into words…my mind races…the voice comes clearer in my ear. Is he here? No it's my reoccurring nightmare of everyday…

"You bitch, you don't even get wet enough for me? Am I not enough for you! That's why have to shred you like I know you like me to do! Stop your crying! You are a whore! Is this what you like…for me to ram my fingers, my hand, my fist into you? You force me to do this all the time, why can't you just comply! Fuck me! Move bitch! You're not worthy of being her mother, I'm gonna find me a good bitch who comes on m dick and be a real woman. I should let my friends fuck you; you are worthless to me anyway! One day I'm going to tie you up and let them all tear your ass up like I do! That's why I love to see you bleed…you're nothing without me…you are nothing…you are nothing!"

How could I be so stupid not to see into his game? I was the prize but I also paid the highest price dearly.

"You are nothing" he whispered…the last words I remember hearing from him as the judge looked at my swollen face, blood shot eyes, and asked me again if I had something to say.

"No"

"Sentenced for 366 days in prison for Grand Theft Auto"

I had one year and one day to think of a way out of this life…

Seeing my self alone, I found a way to pick myself up--cling to my "Jazz" and my little girl, I finally found myself standing on my own two feet. My daughter depended on me. With my eyes half open, wobbly feet and a broken spirit I saw a clear path of my priorities.

JOB

MONEY

LIFE

Which came first, which came last…who knew…I know that judge extended my life by 366 days. I need to remember this judge's name as one day I will make an attempt to explain why I was such a coward.

Maybe I was all he said worthless, not a real woman because my juice had failed to flow, or because I gagged as he forced himself in my mouth to quickly for me to adjust…maybe I was just not good enough all I knew was I had 366 days of freedom, healing…I guess this was my vacation.

He wrote to me a lot.

The fronts of the letters were of someone who was love struck and truly sorry for his actions: "Bella, I need you. Please wait for me. I'm so sorry. I'll make it up to you… The back of the letters were of the demon who kicked me as I fell and broke two ribs one night of "passion" as he called it.

He demanded to cum that night 3 times before he took me to the hospital.

He would write things suggesting he had people watching me…"I would kill you in an instant if I find out you strayed from me"

I think he was possessed at the time and I think he was bi-polar…or maybe I'm the stupid fool…