To my reviewers:

Me: It's edited, check it. Chill.

T.E.N: Soccar

Alteng: Hippy was eating real mud and the dancing bananna is not related to the dancing frog

Chirikofan: Thanks!

Warning: This chapter contains sexual references

Diagon Ally

"Where are we going?" Hippy asked Haggar.

"To Diagon Ally." He pointed out a pub called "the shady pub."

"Are you sure you want to get drunk this early? It's not even ten yet." The small boy asked.

Haggar ignored him as they entered. True to its name the pub didn't seem like a big place, it wasn't even clean and he was sure he saw a drug deal going on in the corner.

"The usual?" The barman asked.

"Can't, I'm on official business." He said proudly. Clearly Haggar was one of those people who believed he was more important than he really was. "I'm helping Hippy Pothead to get his school supplies!" He said loudly in that "I-pretending-to-have-a-normal-conversation-but-I-really-want-your-attention" tone

The pub went quiet and the barman dropped a mug.

"Holy Hell, you mean this is Hippy Pothead?"

Suddenly he found himself shaking hands with everyone in the pub.

"Hi, I'm Dedalus Diggle." A man introduced himself.

"I remember you, you stole my Uncle's car two years ago."

"He remembers me! He remembers me!" He had a heart attack and started flopping around on the ground but no one noticed.

"Oh look there's Professor Quilt, he's going to be teaching you defence against the dark arts." Haggar pointed out a small pale man wearing a large medieval battle helmet.

"Hh-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-e-l-l-l-l-l-o-o-o." Hippy found his stuttering very annoying.

"Well we have to go now!" Haggar said very loudly. He steered Harry into a courtyard.

"Who were all those people?" Hippy asked.

"You're famous."

"But why?"

Haggar ignored him as he started tapping bricks with his vacuum cleaner and the wall exploded.

"Welcome to Diagon Ally."

"Haggar, is the wall suppose to do that?" Did everything in the magic world explode or was it just everything Haggar touched? His question was answered when the people in the street started to complain and they were pelted witht he dust and rublle that used to be the wall.

"Hey, watch it!"

"Damn this was new suit."

Again Haggar ignored him.

"We'll go to the bank first."

"But I haven't got any money." Hippy reminded him.

"Did you honestly think that your parents would leave you with nothing? They were the top drug dealers in the country, they had plenty of money."

"Oh." He didn't know how to take the lasts news about his parents but "whatever" was fast becoming his motto.

Haggar pointed to a hole in the road.

"We're going into the sewers?" Hippy asked and Haggar laughed.

"Where else would you put an underground bank?"

"It's just the sewer isn't a very safe place."

"Nonsense, there's no place safer, except perhaps Pigpimple."

They climbed into the sewers and Hippy jumped when he saw a green slimy thing crawl out of the water.

"What was that?" He asked.

"That's a goblin." He replied.

"Somehow I expected goblins to look a bit different." The green slimy thing looked like a giant sloth.

"Can I help you?" The goblin asked.

"We need to get some money from Mr Potthead's vault." Haggar replied. "And there's a letter from Doodledorf here about the you-know-what."

"Alright." The sloth turned around and bellowed "Smelly Feet!"

Smelly Feet the goblin plopped out of the water.

"Yes?"
"I need you to take these people to Mr Potthead's vault. After that they need to get the you-know-what in vault you-know which."

"You mean the Philosopher's Stone in vault one hundred and sixteen?"

"No, the other top secret vault." He hissed.

"Oh, ok." Smelly Feet jumped back into the water and resurfaced with a floating bathtub.

"Jump in."

Haggar and Hippy sat in the bathtub as it was pulled through the sewers by Smelly Feet like a speed boat. Haggar looked like he was going to be sick but Hippy was immune to the stink, eleven years of living withhis couisinmeant that he was immune to bad smells.

"Here we are." Smelly Feet announced as the bathtub floated near the wall. Haggar pulled one of the bricks off the wall and opened it like a shoebox.

He reached in and pulled out several gold coins which he handed to Hippy.

The bathtub sped off again. After five minutes it stopped at a dead end. Smelly Feet surfaced and picked out a brick.

"If anyone but a goblin tried this, they'd burst into flames." He explained. He pulled out a small box and handed it to Haggar.

"What is that?" Hippy's curiosity got the better of him.

"It's top secret business." Haggar explained and the bathtub sped off again.

Shopping wasn't as exciting as he thought it would be. He found some cool stuff like a book on nasty hexes and a cauldron that ate people but he soon discovered that he wasn't allowed to touch any of it.

"Now for your wand." Haggar led him to a shop with a sign that said "Ollivanders, maker of shoddy wands since last week."

"You go in by yourself, I need a drink." Haggar sped off in the direction of the pub before hippy could open his mouth.

The wand shop had a strange feeling about it, but he couldn't quite place his finger on it. It might have had something to do with thegay pornand the human body parts lying around the place, but he wasn't sure. At the front desk was a short little man reading a dodgy porn magazine.

Hippy cleared his throat. The man ignored him.

"Hello?" He asked. Still nothing.

He yelled and screamed some more and eventually ran up and kicked him.

"What?' Olivander asked rudely.

"I need a wand." Hippy told him.

"What's your name?" He turned the page.

"Hippy Potthead." He hoped to put the whole celebrity thing to good use.

"Jesus Christ!" He quickly dropped the magazine and shook his hand. Hippy didn't want to know where Olivander's hands had been so he wiped his hands on his pants. Thinking of pants he suddenly noticed that the strange man wasn't wearing any and he made a mental note to boil his hands, he really didn't want to know what he had been doing reading porn with no pants on, but his Aunt Parsley had always made it perfectly clear that these were the kind of people to be avoided.

"Um, shouldn't you put some pants on?" He suggested.

"Oh yes." Olivander gave an embarrassed laugh as he disappeared behind the desk. "I suppose I should."

He reappeared wearing a dress and Hippy decided not to comment.

"It seems like only yesterday that your parents were in here buying their first wands. Your mother's was made from cardboard and unicorn semen, your father on the other hand had a wand made from condoms and dragon poo." Mr Olivander kept talking as he explored the shelves that held little boxes.

Not wanting to think about his father doing magic with a condom stuffed with dragon dung, he tried to change the subject..

"But your sign says you've only been making wands since last week."

Olivander ignored him

"Ah, here we are."He found a box and handed Hippy a pen.

"Pen and cat piss, give it a wave." He waved it and rabbit suddenly climbed out of Olivander's hair.

"No, no." Olivander shook his head and picked up a different box.

"Here, toothpick and pixie guts." Hippy waved it.

BANG. His head exploded. For a few seconds Olivander stared at the body (which was now starting to smoke at the neck). The body fell over backwards and Olivander leaned over his desk and stared some more.

"Oh shit." All he could do was stare dumbly. Then a second Hippy walked in through the door.

"Hi, I need a wand."

"Um, of course you do." He said when he found his voice. The other Hippy looked at the body on the floor.

"Who was he?"

"Um, never mind." Olivander kicked the body out of the way. "Try this." He handed Hippy a plastic drinking straw.

"Straw and phoenix tongue." Hippy waved the wand and the words "plot device" appeared in red smoke.

"Curious." Olivander muttered. "Very curious."

"What curious?' Hippy asked.

"I remember every wand I've sold Mr Potthead, the phoenix who's tongue is in your wand only gave one other body part. The penis that lies in the brother of this wand, gave you that scar."

Hippy wasn't aware that phoenixes had penises, but there were more pressing issues at hand.

"Who owned that wand?" He asked.

"We do not speak his name." He said ominously.

"Why?" Hippy asked.

"Because it's a dick to pronounce." He told him. Hippy was about to ask him more when he heard a banging and saw Haggar standing outside with a depressed looking vulture in a cage.

"Happy birthday!"

"Are you alright Hippy? You seem very quiet." Haggar asked that night as they munched on roasted rats.

"He killed my parents didn't he?' Hippy asked. "The one who gave me this." He pointed to his scar.

"Now understand this Hippy, not all wizards are good." Haggar was rather drunk by now and his speech was slurred. "There was this one bastard who went as evil as you go."

"What's his name?" Hippy asked.

"It's hard to pronounce." Haggar told him.

"Couldn't you write it down?"

"Nah, can't spell it."

"Please try?"

"Alright, his name was Voldemontrymontramort. But we just call him Voldemort for short. He had followers, mostly dickheads with nothing better to do. He killed people and once he decided to kill someone they never survived, except for you." Haggar gave him a look that made him squirm in his chair.

"But why did he try to kill me?"

"Your parents did something to annoy him ad he decided to knock them off, he probably tried to kill you because by then he probably enjoyed killing. Some say he died, but I don't believe it. I think he's out there somewhere, too weak to continue."

"But why did he blow up when he tried to kill me?' Hippy asked confused. "What's so special about me?"

"I don't know." Haggar replied. "Nobody does, but that's why you're famous. Not only did you survive an attack form you-know-who but you also destroyed him. Now hurry up and finish your rat."

(A/N I just realised "there were more pressing issues at hand" sounded a bit dirty. I'm thinking of puting his scar on his backside instead of his forehead, what do you think?)