Thank you to those reading this. Thank you, those who had voiced their thoughts. It means the world to me. My slump is broken, and my dark mood gone. But that doesn't mean I can't continue. I hope you will read on as well.
Sazh is a forgiving man. He loves kids, wants to see them taken care of, and knows all to well the consequences of losing sight of them for even a moment.
He knows it all too well.
So he does not yell at Vanille for her constant pep, even though it grates him sometimes. In fact he appreciates her for it, because someone needs to stay optimistic, and he knows it isn't him. He also feels the need to take Hope in even when the kid tries to push away from him, angry and sullen.
With Hope he can only shake his head and wonder. Dajh had lost his mother before he could really remember her face; Hope lost his mother in a field of battle, violently, and with plenty of memories. He cannot imagine what it would be like, and wonders what Dajh will do if he dies before promptly trying to forget it.
Sazh is patient with Lightning even when she hits him and tries to abandon him. He is tolerant of Snow even though the man has a lot of bravado and is a little too delusional for his own good. So Sazh can rightly pride himself with patience and forgiveness and responsibility, the things a father should have.
That he must have.
All of it-the tiny world he had created with these people-with this person- breaks when the truth comes. The truth crushes him, enrages him. Something horrible and grotesque just seems to rip from his chest, seething with need and desperation. It needs to hurt something, Sazh needs to hurt something, and it is the very person who has taken his son from him. The person who has caused him this despair, this anger, this unbelievable loss-
Dajh-I-I lost you-
Another face to add to precious others, another body, -his son- is now beyond Sazh's touch. Only this time there is something he can strike. Vanille is there to take the punishment she deserves. She has taken Dajh from him. Wove the events that lead to Dajh receiving his brand. It is the last thread…the final piece of string has snapped. He has nothing now and Vanille had offered herself, knowing her crimes.
Vanille…who is still very much a kid.
Again, Sazh has nothing. All gone. Lost. Beyond him.
Except himself. He still has himself…and that is something. It must be something, because if a man does not have himself, he might as well throw in the towel.
And Sazh is a patient man. A forgiving man. He loves kids and thinks parents should be responsible when the children can't be. That one should never lose sight of their child.
He does not want Vanille's face added to the ones he has lost. She is just a kid-like Hope and Dajh-I'll see you soon. I promise. I'll see you soon.
He is a forgiving man.
This is what he thinks as he presses the barrel to his head.