As it turned out, random Asian guy was with the enemy. Exactly one second later, a bunch of drones in blue shirts with muskets burst through the doors and began shooting at random at everyone in sight. The way things went, it was almost musical the way bullets tore into flesh, the way explosions scorched people to a crisp. It was so musical, in fact, that Richard Stone and Tom Ruegger would soon receive royalty checks in the mail for the piece that was to be performed.
The other main characters in this story soon appeared for their requisite cameos in the ensemble theme song. Jack Sparrow, the tallest and most yak-like of the main trio, showed up to join his offscreen siblings in the first chorus.
"We're pyromaniacs!" they began, jumping out of the nearest water tower. After a soldier's gun set off an explosion that they were choreographically blown away from, they continued, "And we're blazing to the max!" They hopped over to Elizabeth's father, a nervous Austrian man unqualified for clinical psychiatry with a ridiculous, anachronistic gray periwig over his balding head, and proceeded to set off a landmine beside him in the chair Beckett had confined him to while they sang: "So just sit back and relax, you'll gasp till you collapse," (he did), "we're pyromaniacs!"
"Come join Jack and Will Turner," those two sang as they walked casually through a lot to soon be stated by name, "and the love interest Liz," she interjected, and when a mad Beckett ran after them with a net, they explained, "just for money we run around Disney like we're kids." As Beckett caught them and aimed a firing squad at the captured pirates they only continued their musical number: "They lock us in a contract, 'cause our franchise is big biz," and the rifles were fired. Naturally, the unharmed Warners—I mean, pirates—then reappeared when the smoke cleared inside the hats of one of Beckett's soldiers, who was dumbfounded and really should have seen Who Framed Roger Rabbit before signing onto a mix of live action and animation for his film debut. As they ran away to a more independent-minded (i.e., Oscar bait) studio, they reassured worried fans: "But we break loose, and then vamoose, and our career's the shizz!" And them, just in case you've forgotten: "We're pyromaniacs!"
And now, the character introductions…brought to you by Branimaniacs, part of this complete breakfast. "Liz has boobs and Jack is J. Depp," they said, thus securing ticket purchases in the theatre by horney teenagers of both genders, before resuming, "Will thought his dad was dead, but he's on the Flying Dutchman," and now the audience is caught up before being reminded again, "we're pyromaniacs!"
"Meet Pintel and Ragetti," Jack, Will, and Liz resumed, showing off these little white mice and their little white egos, "who want to have a bigger part!" This pattern of "we'll show you who we're singing about and this is their gimmick" was the formula for the next several lines. You can make up your own mental imagery here; it's not like it'll make much more sense than what showed up on film. "Cotton's pigeons flock together, Anamaria is an old fart! Murtogg works with Mullroy, and Tia Dalma's pushing a cart!" Said cart turned out to be carrying explosives, making Jerry Bruckheimer and his production crew very happy, but killing several innocent soldiers just trying to get a paycheck. The overarching theme of the entire film was stated as thus in the penultimate line of the verse: "Our writers flipped, we have no script, why bother to make it smart?" By the way,"We're pyromaniacs!"
"We have pay or play contracts," they sang, a fact that was good for them but a cruel reminder that these hacks got away with this crap cinema while the rest of us get fired if we botch up that report. "We're blazing to the max," they echoed one of their first lines to let us know that this shining light of a song in a dark abyss of a film was soon to end. Furthermore, we learned that "There's a detonator in our slacks," which was either a bad euphemism or even worse judgment.
Now we were in the home stretch, with cue upon cue piling up to inform you to start leaving if you haven't done so yet. "We're pyromany, totally insaney," and then Jack soloed the next bit to state the obvious, "turn off your brainy," some poor advice before the final chorus of, "PY-RO-MAN-I-ACS! Those are the facts!"
Hey, you know what I just learned? Theme songs don't work so well in situations like these.
Regardless, this theme song worked a hell of a lot better than any actual storytelling ever would in this same place within the narrative, so rather than give you the boring details, I'll sum it up for you: Will makes a deal with Sao Feng to help in the freeing of his father, he returns to Elizabeth, Barbossa and the others with a ship and a crew (including Tai Huang), they escape while Tia Dalma spouts some vague bullshit warning about the evil in the sea, and also, Channing Tatum is there for some reason.