The Touch I Can't Feel

Chapter 3 – My Barrier

I looked out of my bedroom window at a lone star struggling to fight the harboring nightfall.

The accumulative stars that lit up the dark sky that I flew in were no more. The courage and freedom I once had controlled of, faded with the light, and I was wrapped by an unfamiliar night sky that speared deep into the depths of my body, my soul, my everything. Yes, those stars were fading one by one, giving up and I wanted nothing more than to do just that.

I felt it once again, the tears that threatened to fall. Those tears that I never showed yet fell freely on the same day each year. It burned. I wasn't meant to be like this, I couldn't be like this. I needed to be strong for my students, my friends and my daughter.

Our daughter.

Our wonderful, brave and passionate daughter.

The smell of Fate's jacket was all I had left with me. The hint of linger that was left was my strength, my soul. But for all I knew…my soul was dead years ago. For that linger of lavender scent was nothing but mere illusion I had fabricated and trained my brain to acknowledge whenever I held her soft jacket close to me.

I had to. I had no choice. She had taken my soul and she didn't even know it.

I cried. My heart ached. I want to give up.

"Mama." The pressure on the other side of the bed warned me of the incoming company. Her warm arms wrapped around my waist and I sunk deeply into her embrace.

"I'm sorry, Vivio." I whispered. My voice hoarse and unrecognizable. Vivio replied with a tight hug as she shuffled closer to me and that was all I needed to wake up the next day.

The Touch You Can't Feel

I buttoned up my jacket and walked into the kitchen the next morning. Vivio was pouring the miso soup into two bowls, when it should've been three. I watched my daughter carefully, feeling useless and pathetic like I had felt every day. For how long has Vivio taken cared of me?

"It isn't like that, Mama." Vivio simply said as if she could read my mind. "I like cooking and I love you."

I looked up from my hands that I had been scrutinizing back at Vivio who wore a lenient smile. "I love you, Mama" She repeated.

Words failed me. "Vivio."

Vivio's gaze tightened with gravity as she said her next words. "Fate-mama loves you too, Nanoha mama. That's why she wouldn't want to see you like this."

I don't feel it. I don't feel her love, Vivio. I felt my hands shaking at the mere thought of her. I would never admit it to anyone and most certainly not to myself, the reality that ate me up every second.

Vivio took my shaking hands and pulled out the chair for me. "Come on. Let's have breakfast."

I smiled.

"Stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

She frowned. "Acting. Pulling your mouth muscles upwards with reluctance and pain." She pulled me into a hug. The warmth was sudden yet comforting. "How many times do I have to tell you? You don't have to act for me. Just express what you truly feel. Be honest with yourself."

I pulled Vivio away, holding her at arms length. I looked into her heterochromatic eyes. They were so sincere, so caring.

I sighed in defeat and exhaustion. "You don't understand."

"I do."

I whipped myself around, my back facing her. "You don't. I need this façade to get me to forget. You don't know how –"

Strong arms wrapped around my back. "Mama. You lost your best friend, someone you loved more than anything. But you're forgetting…I lost a mother that day as well."

At that I crumped. My legs lost it and I held myself, my teeth sinking into my lips as I felt the flowing iron taste within my mouth. I couldn't even bring myself to apologize to my daughter of how selfish I had been for these past 10 years. I knew I wasn't the only one suffering but no matter what I did I couldn't break away my wall of defense that I built from that day my soul left with her. I knew if one day my walls were broken, I would fall with it.

I wasn't ready for that.

The Touch You Can't Feel

I looked at the papers below me, then at my desolated office. This was the place where I could truly keep my mask on, where no one questioned my wall, where no body recognized the hidden effort it took to conjure a simple smile. Hidden because sometimes not even I notice.

If I could just absorb myself into these papers and battles every day I know I would feel better. I wouldn't have to feel like I was suffocating every waking moment. I could pretend to be someone else. Someone who wasn't lost. Someone who knew exactly who they were.

But I couldn't betray my motivation and my inspiration, Vivio. I couldn't give up with someone who loves me and tries so hard to get be back up for these past 10 years. I wasn't going to let her lose me. My life was never just for myself.

Plus my boss who wouldn't leave me alo-

"You want to grab a coffee with me?" Speak of the devil.

Hayate stood at the door of my office, and I noticed the long thread of string that was tied to her pinky and followed down, barely touching the ground as she walked up towards me.

"Should I ask?"

Hayate's eyebrows quirked up and she smirked. "Can't you see? It's my string of fate." My mind stopped and my stomach clenched.

I guessed Hayate must've taken note of my unusual expression because she quickly changed the topic.

"So Coffee! Coffee now."

"No."

Hayate smiled once again, and her eyes seemed to have darkened in amusement. "Not even if we get hot chocolate?"

I growled. "N-No. I am not going back there."

"How about with two marshmallows? One pink, one white?" How did she know that? That was my secret…our secret.

I could feel the rate of my pulse increasing and Hayate must've taken note of it as she took my arms and simply dragged me out.

I sighed and acquiesced to her pull away from my piles of paperwork I would rather be indulged in. We reached our usual café and walked up to the counter. It was less crowded than I remembered it to be which was around 3 years ago. I rubbed my temples as I remembered the events that occurred that stopped me from coming here. A scent of nostalgia that ached and calmed seemed to have surrounded me from when I stepped foot into the shop. To think I would let something like that stop me from returning to such a special place, I was foolish.

"So what would you like?"

"So what would you like? Fate-chan?" My partner's eyes trained across the coffee menu and then back at me. That lasted for a sec, and then it flickered back on the menu on the wall. I could feel my stomach clenching and my heart racing. "I think I'll go with the black coffee."

"Figures." I gave her a bored look and then walked towards the counter to order as she sat herself down at our quiet spot near the corner. As I walked back from the order, I noticed Fate had her arm crossed and her head bowed. She was sleeping and she looked so exposed and vulnerable. So vulnerable that I could just sneak in and steal something of hers. I pulled her hair back towards the back of her ears and leaned myself down but when I felt her warm breath I realized how close I was to tearing away the complete trust we had.

I shook my head in disgust and took a deep uneven breath. I couldn't let my desires get the best of me; I had kept it for so long, I can hold it in longer.

I settled myself down opposite Fate and as I did, the drinks arrived and the aroma brought Fate back. Her eyes fluttered open and her lips opened slightly. I couldn't take my eyes off her. It was ridiculous but she was beautiful.

"I-I'm sorry." She stuttered as she stifled a yawn, a soft tinge of pink forming on her cheeks. How much more adorable can Fate get? It wasn't good for my heart.

"Well, it is the coffee's job to wake you up." I watched her bring her cup to her lips and I had to swallow a lump that formed in my throat before being able to breathe again. Her lips circled the rim of the coffee cup, and my hands formed an involuntary fist.

I was jealous of that cup.

After taking a sip, Fate placed the cup back on the saucer and beamed that warm smile that only she could accomplish. "You're right, but I wouldn't need the coffee if I have you."

I didn't trust myself with the hot cup in my hand so I grasped it tightly with both. "What do you mean?" My voice came out as a near whisper.

"Well. From now on, we're going to be sleeping together so," I didn't let Fate finish, because my hands shook and forbidden images starting popping up from everywhere. I dropped the cup, and I wasn't even sure if it was the surge of blood flowing into my head or the hot chocolate that dripped from the table to my legs that affected me more.

Before Fate could touch me, I stood up and told her I was going to wash myself in the bathroom. I told her not to follow.

She didn't, and I was glad. My heart was palpitating dangerously and my face was bright red. I don't know how long I stayed in the bathroom but when I came out, there was a new cup of hot chocolate on our table and Fate's coffee remained the same from when I left.

I put on the most casual expression I was capable of giving and sat back down.

I looked at my cup and at the two marshmallow floating atop of it. One pink and one white. I smiled.

Just how I like it.

"Nanoha, are you –" I didn't let her finish, mainly because I wouldn't know how to reply to her without looking I was lying.

"You know what? I think hot chocolate isn't my lucky drink today so how about we swap?" Without her consent, I scooped up the pink marshmallow with the teaspoon and drowned it into Fate's black coffee. Swapping the two cups, I took a sip off Fate's cup. My mind grew blank and I felt like a child getting excited over the smallest of things.

Yet to me, those small things were huge, and this time it was no different.

An indirect kiss with Fate-chan.

I looked up from the cup to Fate who wore a confused yet amused expression. "I thought you hated black coffee because, I quote, " it's bitter, bland and has an aftertaste of artificial dark chocolate."

I smiled, my cheeks growing warm once again. I shook my head.

"It's sweet."

Fate chuckled and took a sip of my hot chocolate. I returned the warm smile that Fate gave me after that. "I thought you hated hot chocolate. Too sweet you said."

"Actually, today, it's just right."

…

..

"Nanoha. Nanoha!" My vision hazed a bit before settling clearly onto Hayate's concerned face. I looked around, at the café, at our seat and at our fading memories.

You were meant to be here, you were always meant to be by my side.

I looked up at the menu, my eyes stopped at her favourite order.

"I think I'll go with the black coffee." My voice was soft yet I could feel that twinge of emotionless I carried with each word I said. I turned my eyes back at 'our spot', surprised at myself for even acknowledging myself in a way I couldn't have for 10 years.

"B-Black?!" Hayate's eyes widen and she tried desperately to hide her shock.

I grimaced.

She noticed and looked away at the barista instead. "One Chai Latte" Hayate looked back at me and smiled.

"And one Black Coffee."

The Touch I Can't Feel

Disclaimer: I do not own anything except for this plot.

A/N: I can't say I'm back because that won't be true. But I will be back and this chapter is dedicated to all my readers and reviewers who still support me after so long. Thank you.

Xeno.