::Vaccinations Don't Cause Zombies!- The Bus Ride is for Plotting::
The bus was abuzz with the chatter of students on the verge of something new. Middle school, after all, was a big change from elementary school. Class schedules had come in the mail a week ago, detailing who had what subjects at what periods [and the consequential giggling of teen and pre-teen boys who couldn't say 'period' without making a menstruation joke]. Orientation had been two days before, where students met their home room teachers, got their locker numbers and combinations, and were reminded not to keep illicit substances in their lockers- not that any of them do drugs, of course. The bus was a center of exchange- class schedules moving back and forth, friends finding out which friends they did or didn't have classes with, and students with older siblings already bitching about which shitty teacher they had because their big brother or sister told them so.
"Hey, Dee, where's your class schedule?"
The joy of the particular bus stop that she and the boys got on at was that it was one of the first on the route; they didn't have to fight any older kids for choice seats, and Dee easily stole the little half-seat at the very back of the bus, next to the emergency door. Cartman had opted to sit somewhere in the middle bus, vengefully ignoring the rest of the group after no one took him up on his piss prank, while Kyle and Stan had the full seat across from her on the other side of the aisle, and Kenny had the seat just in front of theirs. Usually Cartman took the outside of that seat, but... well, he was too busy being a self-centered jerk. By the time Kyle had asked Dee about her paper, the bus was mostly full and noisy.
Of course, Dee did have her class schedule, but she wasn't eager to show it off. After all, everyone's papers had their full legal names on them. All the same, she produced the folded up piece of paper from within the kangaroo pocket of her electric blue hoodie and waved it to show that yes, she did have it.
"Can I see it? Me and Stan already found out we have math together, and it looks like everyone has gym at the same time, but with a few different teachers. I can see if we're all in the same group!"
A perfectly reasonable request, and it would be cool to know that. Dee held up a finger, and then reached around to rifle through her pack, producing a black sharpie. Stan was watching too, now, as was Kenny, as she unfolded the paper and used the sharpie to scribble her name out until the paper began to deteriorate due to the moisture in the marker. With a quick glance to ensure there were no other hints to her physical sex, she handed the page over for Kyle to oogle.
"Really, man? Why the hell did you cross out your name? Is is really dumb or something?" Stan questioned while handing his own in for a cross reference, peering over Kyle's shoulder. Kenny's was quickly produced as well. "Considering some of the people we know, it can't be that bad. I mean, heck, Butters real name is Leopold."
"Mmph mm mphmm mphm mmmhm mph, mphmm mph mmphm."
"I know that's his choice!" Stan responded sharply. "I'm just saying, we're gonna find out sooner or later- my sister said they do roll calls on the first day and ask kids if they have preferred nicknames or anything they like to be called by. She said she already told them all that my preferred name is Turdlord, but I'm pretty sure she was just saying mean stuff at that point."
Parents already took care of that one, dude. Met with all my teachers and asked them to remove my name from the public class lists to make it harder for the federal government to find me- I'm a fucking ghost.
"Dee never responds when he's called on by teachers, though." Kyle noted as he scanned back and forth between the three pages he'd been given and his own. "And he never gets in trouble for it, which is kinda weird when I think about it..."
"So we all just gotta listen for the one name no kid responds to!" Stan insisted.
"... Oh hey, we all have the same teacher for gym! Cool!"
"Mmmph!"
Let's just hope Cartman doesn't.
"Alright, let's see..." Kyle continued. "Alright, so it looks like Kenny and Stan have first-hour English together, Dee's on his own in Science, I'm in Social Studies... Oh, shoot, no shared second hour, then third hour is gym for everyone, fourth hour Stan and I have math, while Kenny and Dee are in Social Studies, and then Stan and Kenny both have fifth hour Science. Oh hey, guys, look at this- all three of you have locker numbers that are pretty close together, but mine's a lot lower..."
"They must assign them by last name." Stan speculated. "Wait a minute- that means we know something about Dee's name! His last name has to start with something between M and P to end up that close to me and Kenny."
"Ugh, that means I'm gonna be somewhere close to Cartman." Kyle's lament came with his head hanging back for a minute, recovering to give everyone's papers back.
"My sympathies." Stan offered while sitting back against the window in the seat he and Kyle were sharing, though there may have been a touch of sarcasm there. Or maybe just bitterness. "I swear guys, if I share any classes with that fucking fatass, I just might murder him."
"Whoa, dude, you can't say that stuff anymore." Kyle warned as his own paper got tucked away into a pocket. "I heard some kid got pulled outta class for saying stuff like that- and he wasn't even serious, but they suspended him!"
"What the hell?"
"Mm mmphm mphmm mphmmhm!"
"That's right, schools are trying to prevent shootings by cracking down on kids who say things that might be considered threats. It was a huge deal in the news just a week ago."
"Well shit, another place I've gotta watch my stupid mouth." Stan grumbled.
"Dude, what is with you today? You've been kinda off all morning..."
Took you long enough to notice, Kyle. Not like he's your best buddy or anything. Dee's own schedule was quickly tucked back into the pocket from whence it came. She was a little sad that she didn't share a lot of classes with the others, but at least she and Kenny would see each other later in the day.
Speaking of Kenny, he'd turned in his seat to peek over the top at Stan, who was looking particularly cagey. His hands were in his coat pockets again, exerting downward pressure and producing tension in his jacket.
"It's nothing. I've just got a thing at home after school, and I'm anxious about it. I'm worried I'm gonna do the wrong thing and mess things up even worse. It's stupid, forget I said anything."
Glances were traded between the three attending friends around the depressed and anxious black hole that was Stan. In those glances, there was a potent mix of curiosity and worry... but Kyle took point in resisting those feelings to support his friend.
"It's okay, dude. Just let us know if there's something we can do to help, okay?"
"You can tell the fatass to lay the fuck off."
Kenny's body and head twisted, looking towards the front of the bus, no doubt trying to see what Cartman was currently up to. "... mmph mphmm mmph mmph mm mmphm mmmph mmph mphmm mph. Mmm mphmmphm mm mphmmm."
"What the hell, he's roping Butters into his stupid piss prank?" Kyle's disgust was readable both in his face and voice. "He is so fucking immature, and he's dragging Butters down with him."
"Mmphm mmph mph mmphm mphmmm?"
"And let him throw piss balloons at us?" Kyle shuddered. "We'd need a plan if we were going to stop him after school, and even then, Cartman can get... crazy when someone ruins his day."
Understatement. Still, if we could be sneaky about it, it would be worth it to save the elementary school from Cartman's piss. Maybe an anonymous tip...
Dee reached across the aisle to nudge Kenny and get his attention, proffering her phone with it already in the camera setting. Kenny took it, but his hands reflected confusion. He didn't know what she wanted him to do with it. She pointed to where Cartman was sitting, and tried to will him into understanding.
Just take a photo of the fucking fatass, and I'll e-mail it to all the faculty of the elementary school throughout the day. By the time Cartman goes to the roof, he'll have all of his old teachers waiting to stop him... and then some.
Kenny was looking down at her phone, up at her, and to where she was pointing. It took him a few seconds more, but he finally got it with a muffed 'Oh!', and turned forwards to try and get a proper shot. Slowly, he had to creep upwards to come higher and higher above his seat.
"SIT DOWN BACK THERE!"
The booming cry of the bus driver quickly drove Kenny back onto his butt, but not before he snapped a photo and quickly passed Dee's phone back to her. She checked the shot- he'd managed to zoom in on Cartman enough that there was no mistake of whom was the subject of the photo, despite all the extra people around him. Excellent. Now to find out which teachers made their e-mails public... oh, did his mom have a public e-mail, too? She did run that adult tutoring business, e-mail was a great way to make clandestine appointments...
"And there goes Buttlord with his phone." Kyle joked as they quickly lost Dee to the internet. "What do you think he's doing?"
"I have no idea, but if it ruins Cartman's day, I'm all for it." Stan finally spoke, a little positivity entering into his voice, but not his face.
Dee looked up, and found a gentle smile aimed in Stan's direction. If it brightens your day, even a little, it's a win.
"Oh, hey, guys, did you watch the news this morning? About those shady-ass government agents trying to shut down all of main street?" Kyle questioned, as if he'd meant to mention it all morning but the thought just now returned to strike him upside the head and remind him. "Jeez, Dee, I don't know how you keep finding these guys... but thanks for stoppin' them. I know hiring diversity is important, but shutting down stores punishes all the other employees of a place, when they don't make the decisions on that stuff."
Dee snapped a look to Kyle, reminding him that there wasn't much worth in a secret identity if he kept blabbing about it all the time. The stare she gave him was stern, brows coming down for a moment and counting in her head; one, two, three, four, five, before returning to her networking. She'd already found over a dozen e-mails, and it turned out Cartman's mom had a personal e-mail accessible through an... interesting website that made her thankful that her phone's sound was already turned off in preparation for the school day.
"Ah, jeez, sorry. I know, I know, we're not supposed to talk about it, but it's so legit it's really exciting."
"Mmph, mphm mmphm mm mm mphm mph mphmmm mphm. Mph mmph mm mphmm mphm mm mphm mm mmphm mmphmmphmmm."
"Hey, keeping your family safe is a really good motivation to do good things- and don't think I don't know you're helping too, Kenny. This vigilante work has Mysterion written all over it."
'Fuck' was a mostly intelligible word that came out of Kenny's hood as he turned his legs out towards the aisle to rejoin the conversation properly- not that they had much time left. The signal that they were finally on their way to school had been made in the way that no one had gotten on in a while.
It was all just as well, Dee had found all the e-mails she needed. From one of her many dummy accounts, she drafted a message with the photograph attached and the following caption; 'Overheard this kid talking about throwing balloons filled with piss at the elementary students after school, mention of going up to the roof? Trying to blackmail other students into helping him, intends to do it TODAY.'
"Oh come on man, you know I'm not gonna tell. Just... y'know, if you ever need an extra in one of your adventures, lemme know, okay? I don't think the Human Kite costume fits anymore, but I can always come up with something else in a pinch."
"Oh, jeez, you remember that old Toolshed getup?" Stan laughed faintly, a sense of nostalgia harmonizing with his depressed funk. "And man, Wendy looked amazing as Call Girl."
"Dude, you always think Wendy looks amazing." Kyle smirked. "... though she was pretty boss. I never knew selfie sticks could give such a beat-down."
Dee interrupted the current train of Wendy-praise to reach out to Kyle and tug his sleeve, turning her phone out for him to see the message she typed and whom she was sending it to. Stan and Kenny crowded in around the little screen as well. From slack-jawed reading to genuine twisted pleasure at Cartman's coming suffering, she watched their faces change in step with their respective reading levels.
"Oh man, he's so screwed- this might even get Butters out of trouble." Stan leaned back in his seat. "You gonna send it right away?"
Dee shook her head no. If she sent it right away, phone calls might be made that would get Cartman pulled out of classes, and he'd know someone he told in the morning had blabbed. She'd wait until the end of the day to send it, when he'd spent the whole school day trying to rope other students into helping him and creating a wide pool of possible tattletale suspects.
"You're gonna wait? Why?" Kyle demanded- a demand that was responded to with nothing but her trademark blank stare. "Oh come on, man, that's not fair. If I didn't know Cartman was such a big fat fucking liar, I'd feel jealous that you occasionally talk to him... you don't, right? I mean... of course you don't. You don't talk to anyone."
Oh shit, man, you make it hard not to break out into a shit-eating grin. Troll level: over nine thousand.
"Mm mphmm mphm mm mm mmph mphmm mphmm mmphm mphm mmph mphmmm."
"Well, that settles it! If he doesn't talk to his super-hero partner, he obviously isn't talking to the fucking fatass."
Good God, if only you guys knew...
:The Author's Corner:
Dear fucking Christ, Dee is such a goddamned troll.
Also, for Kenny's speech I type out a line that I want him to say, and then type over it with muffled noises. Because it pleases me.
For everyone who has gotten this far, thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate it! This reaches the small back-log of chapters I already had written, but I was really excited to get them out there, and chapter four has some good progress on it already.
See ya next time!
-Buttlord