A/N: Chapter #3 is up now. I know I take a long time to get to the actual plot, but I want you to know the details. No rush. Anyways, the spring break is up and I am super excited!! I do not promise to update everyday (depends on my schedule and ideas), but hopefully it will be fast.

Disclaimer: Ok, I honestly do not get how ppl that have more than 20 chapters do this. I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT/NEW MOON NOR DO I OWN STEPHENIE MEYER'S MIND, ALL THE CHARECTERS BELONG TO HER. YES, SADLY I DO NOT OWN EDWARD AND HIS SHINY VOLVO (TEAR)!

Chapter 3- feelings and memories

(Bella's POV)

After a year of torture, I have not felt better at all. My worst nightmares were haunting me every night, and if I had a choice, I would stop sleeping. Even though he was gone forever, he was always there in my dreams and in my nightmares. He was in my mind; I could still remember the scent of his breath, the way it made me shudder once his icy fingers touched my pale skin. But I felt hurt. I could not bear it.

My life made me wonder why God chose me, Isabella Swan to suffer for the rest of my pointless existence. Did I make some huge mistake? Did I cross some sort of a line that brought this all on? At the same time, I wondered why I was the one to meet him and find out his secret that humans were forbidden to know, and most importantly fall in love with him. I was thankful no matter what.

As I was lying in my bed, I remembered a thought that came to my mind on the way back from graduation. What if avoiding everything that reminded me of him did not work? What if by doing so, I felt more miserable. Perhaps. Maybe living by memories of my past was destined for me; instead of running from them, I should cherish them.

I picked up the ticket to Oregon from my desk and stared at it, the flight was in three days. I had to make the best of it. That is when I decided I could not leave without visiting the places that mattered the most. I would start my plan tomorrow, after that thought I slowly drifted into unconsciousness.

That night I screamed in my sleep.

This morning I found Charlie packing for fishing, so I had the day to myself.

As I poured the milk into my cereal plate, I said, "Morning Dad"

"Hey Bells, what are you up to? I still cannot believe you are leaving in two days! Renee though, is really excited about your decision."

"I think I am mostly going to stay home packing, I might visit a few places before I leave though" I saw a hint of disapproval on Charlie's face, but I knew he was just worried about me leaving.

"Yeah and sweetie, I got the apartment rent arranged for you in Oregon. It is fairly close to your college too!" I honestly did not expect this.

"Dad, you didn't have to but thanks a lot!" I said as I hugged my father.

As soon as I heard Charlie's cruiser leave, I grabbed my car keys and camera and ran to my car. "Ok, the first stop is the music store." I said to myself, though I was getting nervous with my decision. I felt pained.

As I walked by the walls full of CDs, looking for a particular one, I wanted to escape the store and run off into the woods. Yes, that is how weak I was. There it was, a Debussy CD lying on the shelf. My hands were shaking with fear as I purchased it and left the store.

I unwrapped the box and hesitantly placed the CD it the player. Just then, I realized that it has been a year since I listened to any music. Claire de Lune was on as I felt the tears filling my eyes up, and now they were making their way down my face. The hole was open; the salt was there on my open wounds. I speeded up my truck, I was furious with myself. A human. By the end of the song, I could no longer see the driveway, for my eyes were too filled with water.

As I wiped my tears, it was a second before I realized my truck was going to crash into a road sign. Dammit, I felt the car bump into the sign as I hit my head hard on the wheel. I touched my forehead and saw a few drops of blood on my finger; I felt nauseating, but it was common. I made my way outside to check on the car damage. Luck was with me, the truck just got a few scratches but I doubted the fact that Charlie would notice. I returned to my seat and headed for the next stop, the worst one.

Since the Cullens moved, I did not realize that the house was still there. It was unbelievable. The massive mansion seemed as big as ever. However, the forest around it scared me now. I parked my truck and slowly made my way out. I took small, hesitant steps towards the door, I did not know what I was hoping to find there but I knew that I had to visit this place. The steps to the door seemed tarnished, dirty. I took in a deep breath and reached for the handle. What was waiting for me on the other side of the door, I did not know.

A/N: 0kay here it is. Do tell me what you think and suggestions are welcome. I do promise to make Edward's POV in Chapter 5 so wait and see. Please read & review.

Yours truly,

dazzled by topaz