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Walking on Ashes
(Three)
The morning light poured through the windows like a spot light calling her out on her wrongs as Sara woke. Her whole body ached from the lies she had told the previous night, her hands quickly reaching for Greg's shirt. She pulled it on quietly getting out of bed, creeping out of the room glancing back to see him still asleep.
Her heart lurched into her throat as she thought about how much things had changed between them.
They had once spent their mornings wrapped up in each other's arms talking about how the day would force them apart. Sara wondered at what stage she had began wanting nothing more than to be away from Greg; when had coming home become something that caused anxiety to course through her system?
One case had changed everything- it had turned the man she had fallen in love with into someone she did not recognise. It had been a robbery call out but everything had gone so very wrong. Greg and Langston had found themselves in a shoot out in the middle of a grocery store; their attempts to calm the suspect had only riled him further.
Greg had caught the eye of a woman cradled her child and the words 'everything's going to be okay' appeared on his lips. If only he had known that he would regret ever uttering that sentence- the comfort doing nothing to stop a stray bullet hitting her.
The feeling of hot water cascading over her washed her thoughts away as Sara attempted to remain focused on the present. There were so many things that she wished she could change and her attempts at trying to help Greg were only pushed them further apart.
Sara stepped out of the shower, wrapping her towel firmly around herself hoping that Greg was still asleep.
As she crept back into the bedroom a wave of relief washed over her; Greg was laying facedown completely still. She pulled on her clothes her eyes focused on the duvet watching for any moments from him. Sara made her way downstairs preparing breakfast hoping that Greg would not wake up in another one of the foul moods she had recently gotten used to.
The sound of his footsteps as he made way down the stairs seemed to ring throughout the house, stopping her actions forcing her to face the kitchen door as he made an entrance with a sleepy smile. Greg stepped towards her, kissing her on the forehead not registering the way she seemed to flinch at his touch before sitting down at the kitchen table.
"So last night was...nice..." The sentence seemed to linger in the air and Sara could feel the lies bubble up inside her as she prepared to agree with him ever though the memories made her skin crawl.
"Last night..." She began talking but for some reason she found herself as awkward as Greg.
"It's been a while since...we've felt that close...I've missed...that" he stumbled over his words once again.
"I guess... me too." Sara shrugged slightly sitting herself down opposite Greg.
"I just want you to be happy" he said flippantly meeting her eye.
"I know- I'm sorry. I don't know... how to fix this" Sara studied the sincerity in his gaze finding herself feeling guilty for the way things were between them.
"Neither do I..." Greg looked helplessly at her and silence consumed them. The sound of his phone ringing forced him onto his feet.
They almost silently got ready for the day remaining in their separate spheres lost in thought about how things had once been between them and how hard it seemed to get back to that time.
Greg placed a hurried kiss on Sara's cheek once they had gotten to the lab rushing off in the direction of PD in search of Vega to prepare for their day in court. His touch seemed to burn her skin, and she found herself touching her cheek attempting to stroke away the sensation.
She took a deep breath, clearing her mind preparing herself to start the day. Brass filled her in on their case, his eyes casting towards her with a knowing that something was wrong.
Sara ignored his questioning gaze not wanting to share all of the things that had been going wrong. So instead of opening up and confessing her fears and disappointments she kept going acting like a professional keeping all of her attention focused on the case.
Later that day the anger Greg brought with him into the LVPD offices was something that no one could ignore. All of the detectives that he passed stopped to watch him as he stormed towards Sara as she stood with Brass and Vartann discussing their case. She could feel her breathing stop in her chest as she glanced up to see him moving every closer.
"How did it go?" Sara asked nervously stepping towards him, her grip on the file in her hand tightening.
"He walked all over me and I looked like an idiot. I went in there without a leg to stand on. That's how it went!" He said in a frustrated growl.
"What's wrong?" She swallowed the lump in her throat.
"The guy got away Sara, because you are letting things slip. You didn't follow protocol. You let him get away" he accused boldly.
"I'm sorry..." She looked away not wanting to see the anger in his dark eyes.
"Sure...You're always sorry..." Greg shook his head, with a small mocking laugh. He took a step towards her but before Sara could recognise what she was doing she jumped, the fear evident in her eyes as she tried to put some space between them.
"You've made your point...Get out of here before I arrest you for disturbing the peace..." Brass said calmly before stepping in between them. Greg took a deep breath looking at the detective realising that he had not been joking. With another frustrated growl he turned around heading back in the direction from which he'd come.
"Thank you..." Sara said shakily her eyes focused on the floor out of shame.
"No problem...Come on I'll give you a lift home..." Brass offered attempting to calm her. She simply just nodded following him.
The car journey remained awkwardly silent as he watched for her to start talking but nothing appeared- no words left her lips.
"Greg's been losing his temper a lot recently- hasn't he?" Brass asked as he stopped the car outside of their house. Sara simply just nodded in response not knowing how else to answer the question. "I know how hard it is to walk away...but you can't keep making excuses for him... he's not going to stop..."
"He's just going through a rough patch..." She shook her head at her attempts at defending Greg.
"And it's okay for him to use you as a punching bag?" He raised his eyebrows at her.
"He's never hit me Jim..." Sara said immediately.
"Not yet...he hasn't..." Brass had seen this happen so many times before- he knew how the denial led to more violence than they thought imaginable. But this time it wasn't a stranger- it was someone he knew, someone he cared about.
Sara opened the door looking back at him as if to say goodbye before disappearing into the house. A part of him wanted to stay here- waiting for whenever Greg would return on a drunken binge but as his radio filled the car he realised he couldn't.
As Sara stood in the cool hallway she could hear Brass's last words replaying in her mind. He was right. She had seen it before- the escalation. Greg was on the edge; with every night his temper controlled him a little more, the alcohol forcing spite into his consciousness.
She forced her exhausted body up the stairs into the sanctuary of their bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed burying her head in her hands as she did so. She could feel her heart thumping against her chest, the tears fighting against her for freedom as she tried to ignore the memories that troubled her existence.
Sara could remember the sound of the cars moving on a busy road outside of their house, the smell of rainfall floating through the open window. The crack in the door let light and sound pour in but more than anything she wanted it all to dissolve into nothingness. Screaming filled her ears and as she huddled on the floor by the bed whispering about how much she wanted it to stop it never did.
The first time her father had opened that door it was as if the world had fallen apart- all of the lies she had pretended to buy when she asked her mother about her scars and bruises meant nothing. He had dragged her by the arm into the small landing; walls and banisters surrounding her.
In that moment it had felt as if the whole world had been imposing upon her, her breathing struggling to keep going as the facade she had built of her father shattered.
And in that moment she realised that all of the things she had loved about Greg, all of the things she'd hoped he would be were cracking. The smell of alcohol on his breath was more familiar than she would ever let on. The crushing feeling that overwhelmed her chest as he approached her and the fear that followed her like a shadow were no different to her childhood.
Forcing her body into action Sara pulled herself to her feet, fishing out the suitcase they kept under their bed. Wiping away the tears she threw the cupboard doors open realising that she needed to get away from here, this house, Greg. Sara began throwing her belonging inside not caring whether they were organised- she just needed to leave.
The sound of the front door opening made her heart drop as she realised it was too late. Greg stumbled up the stairs- mumbling under his breath about something. Sara knew that she'd run out of time- he was going to see the suitcase and her missing things. He opened the door to see her frozen to the spot his drunken mind slowly taking in what was happening.
"What are you doing?" He asked even though it was more than obvious what was happening. Greg began walking towards her, his eyes focused intently on her expression.
"I think we need to get some space from this...from each other..." She said quietly taking a step back but for every one she took Greg stepped towards her.
"Space..." He repeated the word with a frown. "I see...Can I ask why?"
"Because you're scaring me..." Sara seemed to blurt it out not being able to take the words back.
"I'm scaring you?" He raised his eyebrows, his body pressed firmly against hers leaving her no escape. Without a word Greg placed his hands on either side of her head until her body was in a vice like hold between him and the wall.
"Greg...you're hurting me..." Sara tried to push against his chest only to find he was refusing to move.
"What are you going to do...go running to Brass...Think he'll help you..." Greg spat at her bitterly remembering only too well their earlier fight.
She could feel her tired body grow limp, simply falling back against the wall hoping he would step away but he didn't. Greg traced the side of her face with his fingers before his hand slid into a tight grip around her neck.
"Please..." She whimpered once again trying to fight again him.
"You think he'll want to help you when he realises you're just begging for attention? Did daddy not love you enough? You bring it all on yourself Sara..." He said caustically into her ear.
She couldn't handle the poison anymore. The taunting infected her blood stream; the heat from his body crept over her skin like oil- slick and suffocating. She knew she had to get out of his clutches and away from his anger before he snapped.
She raised one defiant fist in a last ditch attempt to free herself, intending to pound it into his chest and retreat. The next few moments seemed to slow down time itself. His fiery eyes fixed on hers as he roughly grabbed her wrist midway to his chest, in one swift movement he was twisting her arm at a ridiculous angle pushing it back against the wall forcing a cry to escape into the thick air. Almost simultaneously she felt his fist collide with her face.
It took the very last of her self control not to surrender to the darkness clouding her vision and fall to the floor. Stunned, Sara stumbled sideways with the impact rattling in her brain and the room spinning. A heat began to spread across her face as she raised a trembling hand to the site of the impact, tears stinging at her eyes. She met his eye, communicating the fear and betrayal she felt.
Shocked, Greg took a step away from her. He released his grip on her arm and removed his body from hers.