"Where are we going?" asked Batman, looking out the window of the Jokermobile as Joker drove.

"We're picking up a few things Lex needs for this scheme of his," said Joker. "They're time sensitive, so he couldn't do that before he went into hiding, so he got me to do it."

"Why you?" asked Batman. "You're not exactly dependable."

"Hey, I'm plenty dependable, as you well know!" snapped Joker. "Have I ever not showed up for a rumble with you? Haven't I spent all my time thinking up ingenious schemes for you to foil? Don't you depend on me for those?"

"I stand corrected," said Batman. "It's just…I know you like to prank Lex, and so does he. Why would he depend on you to help him when it's more than likely you're just setting him up for a punchline?"

"Because he doesn't have a choice," replied Joker. "He's desperate. The last time your old alien pal Superjerk decided to take the law into his own hands, he destroyed a lotta public property, and I mean a lot. Lexy's responsible for most of the infrastructure in Metropolis, so while your buddy in blue was getting all the accolades for saving the city from whatever cat was stuck up a tree, Lex was being harped at from all and sunder to clean up the super-mess Superman made. It basically bankrupted him. He needed a lotta cash and fast. Fortunately he knew one person who had that kinda cash on hand."

"You?" guessed Batman.

Joker burst out laughing. "Me? God no, don't you know me at all? I burn through money faster than that fire I set in the lumber district! You remember that one – I called it 'If a Tree Burns in a Factory and Nobody's Around to Hear It, Do the Hostages Still Scream?'"

"Kinda long winded," commented Harley from the backseat.

"It's a working title!" snapped Joker. "Anyway, no, I never have money, certainly not enough to rebuild vast sections of a city. Plus I'm against that on principle, since I work so hard to constantly destroy vast sections of a city. The only person who puts away that kinda cash on a regular basis is your pussy friend."

Batman stared at him. "Catwoman?" he repeated. "Luthor contacted…Catwoman?"

"No, Lexy's never met the kitty – he mistrusts her based on her fondness for you," said Joker. "Probably the same reason he mistrusts me, actually. Well, that and the fact that I actively try to sabotage a lot of his plans for fun. So anyway, Lexy needed an introduction to Selina, and he thought asking her friends would be the best way to get him on her good side. So he asked Harley to set up a meeting."

"Why didn't he ask Ivy?" asked Batman.

"You know Ivy and Lex used to date, right?" asked Joker. "Ivy wouldn't help him if he was the last man on earth - especially not then, in fact. It's a thing she has about guys she's dated. I think she blames them for not being compassionate enough to put up with her completely neurotic personality, or for not being planty enough, or something. And since your pussy paramour is so anti-social, she only has Ivy and Harley as friends. So Lexy went for the one he thought would help, with clear instructions to not tell me under any circumstances. So naturally Harley did, and naturally I rubbed it in Lexy's face, promising to leak to the press that his dirty money was coming from a common cat burglar unless he let me in on this deal."

"And what deal is that?" asked Batman.

"Well, Selina's price for her help was this big animal preserve for wild cats," said Joker. "The Metropolis Sanctuary for Big Cats, on the outskirts of the city – Lexy was gonna build another strip mall on the land, but he's had to change his plans. He's been working overtime to get this sanctuary finished in time for the big opening day. And on that big opening day, I've got a little joke planned. I'm not an animal hater, Batsy, but even I can see that it's a foolish use of time and money to waste perfectly good land on dumb creatures when you could be selling fun products for humans to enjoy. So the sanctuary is gonna suffer a little accident, and Lexy is gonna deny all involvement and blame me. He's already got his money from Selina, and now he gets his land back too, I get my fun, and kitty gets nothing but another reason to hate me, which she can add to her already massive list. Everybody wins!"

"So…what kinda joke are you planning?" asked Batman, slowly.

Joker giggled. "That would be telling, Batsy! I don't wanna spoil the surprise! But you'll see, and I guarantee it'll make you smile! And I can finally say that sincerely, since you finally are smiling! Aw, buddy, it's just so good to see!" he exclaimed, leaning over to hug him again.

"Driving, driving, driving!" reminded Batman, pointing desperately at the road, and at the other cars Joker was about to crash into. Fortunately, Joker regained control of the vehicle before that could happen. As Batman felt his blood pressure calming, he also felt a twinge of annoyance – if he had known Selina was helping Luthor, he could have just talked to her face to face, rather than go through this elaborate deception with the Joker. But then he supposed she didn't know what Joker and Luthor were planning together any more than he did. An added bonus of all this would be brownie points with Selina when he ended up foiling their plan and saving her animals. Although not even that seemed worth spending much more time with the Joker – it was getting hard resisting the urge to punch him repeatedly in the face.

"So…where are we going?" repeated Batman.

"To see the nerds first," replied Joker.

"By nerds do you mean Crane and Tetch?" asked Batman. "What do they have to do with any of this?"

"You'll find out the same time as everyone else," replied Joker. "I'm not spoiling the surprise, no matter how much you beg."

"Aw, c'mon…buddy," said Batman, forcing out the word again. "What's a secret plan between friends?"

"Nope, not even if you call me buddy and friend," said Joker. "Although I do love hearing it. It'll be so much more satisfying to see the look on your face now that I know you're really going to love this surprise. I mean, it was always satisfying before, of course, but now that you really get the joke, and see the whole thing as a game, like I do…trust me, the surprise will be a lot more fun if it's kept a surprise."

Batman sighed – he had really hoped he could get this whole thing over and done with quickly. But now he had to spend even more time as Joker's friend, which was honestly probably the most challenging thing he'd ever done. And that included all his training as Batman.

The Joker pulled the car up in front of an apartment building – Batman reflected that the upside to all this was finding out the location of his enemies's current whereabouts. "Do you want me to stay here?" he asked. "It might be a little shocking for them to see me."

"No, no, no, they have to see you!" exclaimed Joker. "They have to see I was right about you all along! They thought they were so smart and superior, assuming they knew you better than me, but they were wrong, and they're gonna see how wrong they were. Come on," he said, heading into the building.

Batman reluctantly followed, and Harley trailed behind them both, still glaring at Batman. Joker knocked on the door to one of the rooms, and it was opened a moment later by Jonathan Crane.

"Joker, what an unpleasant…" he began, but then his eyes widened when he saw Batman standing next to him.

"Hi, Johnny, you remember my pal Batsy?" asked Joker, draping an arm over Batman. "We were in the neighborhood and thought we'd check in. You know, it's a good day to stop flossing."

Batman assumed this was a non sequitur, but Crane's eyes suddenly lit up and he nodded slowly. "Of course…it is a good day to stop flossing," he agreed. "Jervis!" he called, heading back inside. "Joker needs the present!"

"Thank goodness!" sighed Jervis Tetch, racing to the door with a gift wrapped box in his hands. "You know I'm not comfortable keeping things like this in my home – I don't want it accidentally going off and disturbing my animals."

"Well, it's outta your hair now, isn't it?" snapped Joker, taking the box from him. "See you losers around, the next time with my Batty sidekick dressed in something more suitable – whaddya think, Bats?" he asked, turning to him. "That black combo is so depressing – maybe paint the suit purple, with a big smile over your bat emblem."

"Wait, why am I the sidekick?" asked Batman.

"Because you don't know the ropes of being a criminal comedian yet, Batsy – you gotta learn those first before you can take charge," said Joker. "Of course I'll happily teach you, but while you're learning, you gotta be my Robin figure. I promise not to treat you like I treat your Robins though!" he chuckled. "No crowbars to the face or anything like that! I would never treat my own sidekick so appallingly!"

"You once pushed me outta a window twenty storeys up and broke most of my bones just because I tried to kill Batman," spoke up Harley.

"Well…yeah, but he's not gonna be trying to kill himself, is he, Harley?" demanded Joker, rounding on her.

"So if he's your sidekick now, what does that make me?" demanded Harley. "Chopped liver?"

"It makes you…Daddy's special girl, pumpkin pie!" exclaimed Joker, planting a kiss on her cheek. "Now be a lamb and take this to the car," he said, handing her the box. "Remember to buckle it into the backseat so it doesn't knock around. Bats and I will meet you there, but now that we're buddies, I wanna borrow his little Bat-glider thing to fly down from the roof. Last one there's a superhero!" he shouted, racing up the stairs. Batman sighed and reluctantly followed him.

Harley sighed too, turning to head down the stairs. "Psst, Harley!" hissed a voice. She turned to see Crane with his head popped out of the door, staring after Joker and Batman. "What on earth is going on?" he asked her.

"Your guess is as good as mine, Johnny," sighed Harley. "Batsy just showed up and said he had a change of heart and wanted to be Mr. J's friend."

"In heaven's name, why?" asked Crane.

"I don't know," said Harley, glaring after them. "But I am going to find out."